* Adventuring Hard

*

After a good fifteen minutes of bobbing and weaving my way through the centre of the magical campus of Al’Magi at top speed, I felt it was finally time to stop and breathe. I knew the limitations of my story characters—all of them—and there was no way that the heroes would have been able to keep up with the sprint as I had just completed.

That was too close! I thought, catching my breath against the wall of the alley where I hid. Could have really botched the whole thing right there.

After all, the heroes were never supposed to meet a crying Kalish boy on their first day. And, while I was fairly certain it wouldn’t make that much of a difference, if I had stayed and chatted, that could have made a lasting impact.

Also, holy crap! I continued to think, looking down over my malnourished yet surprisingly fit body.

Did I just run a Five-K without breaking a sweat? And all while wearing leather armour, with a shield on my back and sword strapped to my hip? Man, goodbye to lazy, overweight Tahvin. This time around, I’m going to get fit and stay fit as Ishara!

That was about the time my words bit me in—

Bzzzz—pwft.

“My ass!” I screamed out as a dagger plunged into my unprotected buttock.

Fumbling to draw my sword and shield, I turned to face my assailant. Half expecting an orc or hobgoblin upperclassman bully looking for my lunch money, what I saw was worse. I hadn’t been stabbed by a humanoid with a weapon at all, but instead by a mosquito the size of a corgi.

"Ahhhhh!" I yelled loudly, stumbling backwards.

I had fallen into one of the vermin traps that the school faculty laid out to challenge new groups of students on their way to classes. It was meant to simulate the quests that young adventurers who didn't attend magical college would go on. And, as such, these vermin aggressors were also designed to challenge groups of two or three students at a time.

This meant that the buzzing insect before me wasn’t alone, as a second corgsquito hovered by its side and, beneath it, a rat nearly as big as a small wolf, frothed at the mouth while inspecting me hungrily with its bulging eyes.

“Holy—!” Shouting out, I held a hand forward. “Shit!”

I felt my body quake as the excitement of the arcana surged through me. Luminous magic pooled in my palm and burst forth a beam of radiant light. It struck true to one of the corgsquitos, rupturing its body like a bloody water balloon.

The creature, which must have been the one feeding on me, graciously returned all the blood it had taken back over my body, coating me entirely in gore.

Holy crap! I thought, glancing at my hand. Cool holy crap!

But I wouldn’t have a moment to think about how I had just cast a spell or look around to see if there had been any witnesses. This was because a second later, the foaming wolf-rat charged me.

Raising my buckler to block the attack, the serrated short swords that the beast called incisors clamped down on the bargain bin wood. With a horrifying crunch, a chunk of shield splintered and disappeared.

“Ahhhhhh!” I screamed a high-pitched cry.

Jumping back, I dodged as the remaining corgsquito plunged for my neck. But before I could deliver a riposte, I felt another stabbing on the same cheek as before.

“Ah, god!” I yelped, turning to see the initial little ass sucker still plunged proboscis deep into my right buttock.

With a swing of my sword at it, the second of three corgsquitoes splattered my blood across the sandstone pavement.

That was when I realized the first buzzing pest that I blasted had sprayed me with four pints of someone else's blood. The thought churned my stomach, causing me to dry heave. But I wouldn’t have time to lose my MacRonald's because it was time for rabid-rat to gear up for another bite.

Lowering my shield a little, I braced for the same heavy strike. Unfortunately, what I got was a sudden surging pain as the beast had tripped me up and instead sunk its rabies-coated teeth into my thigh.

“YUUHH-ahhhhhh!” I released a shrill cry—again.

With the creature now enjoying some of my fresh meat, I lifted my sword and swung down with a mighty blow. The blade hit, carving a grizzly wound into the beast, but not enough to outright kill the vermin. It screeched, releasing its locked jaw and bouncing away.

Taking this opportunity, I fumbled around in my bag until I remembered to call for a healing potion. It flew into my hand and, popping the cork, I hoisted it to my lips—

Bzzzz—pwft.

“Again?! The same cheek!?” I cried out as the fragile glass fumbled from my hands, catching it moments before it shattered.

With a sigh of relief, I raised the bottle to my lips and chugged down the elixir. I tasted the same peppermint flavour, albeit mild and enjoyed a familiar carbonated fizz. But then, when the pain should have left me, and my wounds healed, they didn't.

What the hell? I thought, looking down at the bottle and staring at droplets of faintly red liquid remaining.

That was when I remembered how Phyllis had remarked that she would need to refill the machine's syrup, and it hit me.

Oh shit! How many of my healing potions are duds? PHYLLIS!

And, in that moment, I felt like I could hear the distant voice of Phyllis whispering on the wind, ‘No refunds.’

Glancing up, the wild animal was nearly on me again. But this time, even though I was horribly wounded, dangerously low on blood, and still slowly bleeding out, I would be ready.

I watched as the giant ratdog moved and didn’t assume it would do the same thing twice. Lowering my stance, I waited until the last moment, making sure that it was jumping.

Now! The thought sprang into my head as, with a final thrust of my sword, I caught the creature in its belly, piercing it through. 

Its heavy, limp body collided with my shield, pushing me back.

That was when gravity decided to disagree with me. Slipping on the horror movie amount of blood around my feet, I fell to my back. With a sickening squelch, I felt the last cogsquito suckling my asscheek pop like a water balloon under mine and ratdogs' combined weight.

Lying there, I struggled for a moment in a failing attempt to push the rat off the buckler. But it was no use, and as bloody foam poured out over my face, its dense body pressed against my chest. That was when one thing became painfully obvious. The fact that no bulging muscles on my body meant that I wasn’t strong in this life either.

Silent tears began to pour from my eyes as I wriggled, continuing to fail at removing the creature from atop me. I had just fought my first battle, solo, and was nearly killed for it. So, to me, the tears were justified.

I mean, sure, it was a trio of corgquitos and a devil capybara, but those sweet experience points were all that mattered—Right?

Then, as the adrenaline began to fade and the weight of the rat pinning my body to the stone started to overwhelm me, a curious sensation filled the void of excitement: shock.

That was when the worst-case scenario occurred. Officially out of combat and slowly bleeding out, my body began to tremble from the experience before I finally vomited on myself and proceeded to fall unconscious.

—ooo—

KR-PEW!

I looked up from the sight of the rifle and stared down range at the limp rabbit. My heart ached as I watched the brown fur stain with red.

“Good shot, son.” My dad replied, patting my shoulder as he took the rifle from my hands. “You may actually be good at this.”

“Dad…” I muttered as we walked over to the heap of fur. “I don’t want to do this.”

It was my spring break from middle school, and while all the other kids were getting together, having sleepovers, and enjoying the lengthening daylight, I was on the family ranch.

Dad grabbed the rabbit by the hind legs and lifted it. Blood dripped from the body, splashing into the pool beneath it.

My shot had been dead on, hitting the creature center mass and ending its life instantly. Likely painless, but I couldn’t help but feel my heart break as I looked away.

“Can’t do what? Shoot vermin?” He forced the corpse into my hands.

I flinched, immediately dropping it. But this was the wrong move. It was apparent by the scowl on his face.

“Tahvin, listen.” He grabbed me by the back of the neck and directed me towards the countless acres of farmland. “You see that? That’s money. That’s how we afford to give you the best education available. The best tutors. The best clothes. Those pests mean less for you.”

He pulled me back to face him and shoved the rifle into my arms.

“Real men hunt.” He scolded me. “If a wolf was charging towards you...you wouldn't just lie down and let it eat you, would you?”

“Maybe—”

The man growled as he rubbed at his face. Grabbing me again by the back of the neck, he pushed me towards the field.

“No, you wouldn’t. Now go do your job and kill the vermin cutting into our profit. Or else—”

He raised a hand, and I instinctively flinched.