Revival

What do you think when someone try to suicide? Will you stop them? Or you just leave them be.

Yeah, sorry for the depressing and controversial topic. But remember about her story make me think about this.

So, I gonna go the long way, please indulging me.

Why the polite voice you ask? I’m trying to respect her story for a bit, so just don’t, OK!

First, let’s go back for a bit. The essence of things, the basic of nature is the one and only thing: evolution.

At the beginning, the dawn of life, from the basic single cell lifeform, started to adapt, duplicate, slowly but surely made it way to the higher lifeform. And to Bacteria, to Sponges and Corals, to fish, reptile, to bird, mammals and finally humans. Why everything constantly tries to evolve, tries to improve itself? Because it’s fear of dearth. Every living creature all has the desire to live, to survive, because it’s the nature of living. Every animal, in different lifeform, different environment, all tries it best to adapt to it, like the bear from the forest has black or brown color, while polar bear is white as away of adapting to the artic environment. They have different size, habitat, while all is still bear at the end of the day. Human as a highest lifeform on the planet according to Mr. Darwin, as you already know, have different traits, size, and qualitites, depend on the place of birth.

Back the topic of death, is there any situation where a living thing die voluntary? Out of all the nature, excluding humans, the only time where it happens probably was when a single unit decided to sacrifice itself for the survival of the pact or family. It could be due to the danger of being hunted, attacked, or because there was just not enough food for everyone. That death’s itself is also a part of the evolution, where the unfit being exclude for the survival of its species.

The higher lifeform is, with better connection between individuals, the more there is the examples of self-sacrifice for the society. But in the modern world, where there is peace everywhere, that example is less and less.

And now, our society evolve to the point that everyone mostly living for themselves, but still there are people who feel like dying is better than surviving in this world. Do they think that the action itself is some sort of sacrifice for the better, all it’s just that they themselves feel like as a living being who lost all purpose of living and the only way is death? In the second type, do you think that it’s against every rule the nature set, that the fact that is exist defile all the basic things of life?

This is so controversial and there is so many things are just my assumption. So sorry about this.

So, my answer is, as a person who always respect everyone mind and decision: If they in the right state of mind, with enough time and consideration, I will let them be. I don’t care about anything else, people decide what’s best for them, and if is death then who am I to even trying to stop that! This sounds heartless, I know, but I feel it’s just like you choose to care for them to point of selfishly deciding what’s better for them, or you respect everything they done, do and will do and a human being.

Again, there maybe is some middle ground, this is just my assumption and thought, so just leave it be. Sorry!

Yeah, what am I doing, say sorry to an imaginary thing in my head?

Ok, back to her story.

So, what do you think about it? I mean about the fact that she felt her death was not even enough to achieve the purpose of her life.

Yeah, I don’t know. Continued.

I gonna tell with the story from Misaki side now.

It was a few days after that incident. Misaki, who was the Kaori class president at the time, visited her as the representative from the class. Her impression of Kaori was that she was a lifeless girl who inadvertently staring at the empty wall, with the pale white face hidden no emotion behind it, her cheerful face from before was not seen anymore. She was one of few friends Kaori had in class and came after hearing her story from her parents. Kaori physical condition was fine, but for some mentally reason, she was not walking up. I don’t know what happen after this was because she felt responsible as a representative from the class, or she is just a nice person, or sympathy with Kaori situation, or she was hoping that she can somehow get her friend back. But one thing I know for sure, that right now, she loves Kaori from the bottom of her heart.

What happened was, for every day in few months after that, Misaki went to see Kaori. She talked to her about school, about what she did during the day and about how everyone was cheering for her to get better. But day and days went and still no responded, Misaki still kept coming. And one day, she stopped. In her room, if you looked closely, there a tiny bit changed of expression in Kaori face. Her face was slightly stiffened, the eyes didn’t seem cold anymore.

The day after that, Misaki came again:

“Hello, how are you doing? Sorry about yesterday, my brother was sick, so I have stayed home and took care of him. Do you miss me? Is it a bit lonely in here? Hahaha. I guess not… Wait!”

To her surprise, Kaori’s eyes slowly turned toward her. Misaki face turned brighten.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m Misaki, your class rep. Do you remember me?”

Kaori eyes slowly closed and opened again. Tears filled up her eyes, ran down her cheeks, joyfully hugged her friend:

“I’m so sorry Misaki, Kaori. And I’m glad that you back.”

But, after that, there were no development in Kaori condition. It was only way latter after that, has Misaki finally realized, that her friend emotion came back, not because she was lonely but because she was worried that the same thing that happen with her friend and sister were happen again, and happy that she was ok.

But at that moment, not knowing the fact, she kept a happy face and going to see Kaori everyday, to kept her from being lonely, despite the hardship she was facing at the time at the outside world. And hopefully one day, her friend will finally wake up. In a way, that was put Kaori at ease, put unfortunately it couldn’t fix the root of the problem.

Misaki family went through some difficulty at that time with her father was being lay off, her mother was under a a lot of pressure, that make her family atmosphere darken. Her school life was no better, there was jealousy coming from some girl who didn’t happy about the attention she gets, the mid-term was about to start, and the class time was no better. In all of that, she was still finding the time and keeping Kaori company.

And one day, by a mere coincidence, she picked up a stray cat on the way to the hospital. The cat was injured so some of her blood stuck in Misaki sleeve. After dropping the cat at the animal clinic, she went to see Kaori. Opened the window curtain, Kaori spotted the blood in her sleeve, she unconsciously raised her hand and tried her best to reached out to Misaki.

“Isn’t it nice in a beautiful day like this, don’t you think? Oh wait, oh my god, I’m here Kaori”

She quickly ran toward her, gently holding her hands.

“You finally wake up again, I’m so glad”

Kaori hands slowly moved down to Misaki sleeve, touched at the spot where the blood is.

“Oh, this is just the cat blood, who I picked up in the way here. She is fine now.”

And at that moment, Misaki realised the truth about her friend:

Everyone was trying to comfort her by telling her that, what happen was not her fault, and everything will be okay, so she just had to take her time and slowly recover, everyone is waiting for her. The same was said to Kaori by Misaki, but now she realised the truth. Kaori, in her heart, knew that she was the one at fault, even though no one said she is. So, no matter how much time when by, that fact to her will not change. The only times when she showed sign of response was when she thought that Misaki was hurt. She unconsciously not responded to everything Mikasa said because at heart, she scared that what happened to her friend and sister will happen again with Misaki again, so she was trying to push her away, same with everyone else, by stayed asleep. She thought that she deserved it and if she couldn’t bring her friend and sister back, she could stop other from getting hurt. So, her response was some mix of guilt, sorrowful and worry for Misaki.

Knowing the truth now, Misaki said:

“You know, everything is gonna be alright. We can’t stop you from feeling guilty about it, but we can help you ease a part of it. Please try to live, for your sister, for us. If you want to do something for them, why don’t you try to live the life to your fullest, live their part for them too, I’m sure that what they want and that’s also what I want. I know you it’s hard for you to believe right now, but if you please, please wake up, everything is gonna be alright, everyone is gonna be fine, I promise. You just have to trust me.”

Her eyes started to brighten, the life was seen inside in now. Her body slightly moved, her mouth slowly opened, but the word didn’t come out.

“It’s fine, take your time. Welcome back, Kaori!”

Kaori went back to school 3 months after that, slowly recovered and caught up. Then she, together with Misaki got a scholarship at our university, she is now the cheerful and angelic girl sitting right in front of me.

To me, this is actually not fine at all. I feel like they are now inseparable, with the two constantly worrying to one another to the excessive point. That’s not a bad thing, but I felt like because she solely lives on by one purpose which is to repay her now deceased friend and sister, to live the part of their life, to try to make them happy so she is trying too much. She lives a life of giving happiness to other people. She is always nice, too nice in fact, to the point I don’t think she is even thinking about herself anymore. The root of the problem is not fixed, she still the same girl 3 years ago, when she still at the hospital, but now she has a purpose.

Drunken to half-death, I said something I should never said in my entire life:

“Yeah, yeah. Do you think your friends and sister wanted you to live like this? Obsess with the deceased, live a robot with no one to command, keep repeat and repeat the same stuff over and over again, without even thinking for itself? Just fucking forget about them and for one in your life, think about you, what do you want to do, what do you want to have? And if you say that you want to live like this, for them, do you really think you gonna actually be happy like this? If you are, that might be the most fuck-up way of attain happiness that I have ever seen!”

Yeah, I have done it. If I can turn back time, I will kill myself, what a stupid fucking idiot. I mean, I told her to forget about the people who gave their life to her, and basically told her forget her purpose of living right now. Well, that’s mean, I just told her to go die, or in the best case, made her life go back to zero. But, but there is still a tiny small chance, that for this, she will ended up finding who she is once again and maybe she can find the happiness that everyone was hoping for her, the happiness I was hoping for her.

Well, after hearing said, she stopped talking, staring at me. Hit me, hit me, HIT ME!

I’m not an M or anything like that, just so you know. The point is that, maybe if she stops being nice for once, it’s actually gonna feel really good.

Yeah, so Misaki ended up do that. I mean, I kinda asked for it, but why you have to be that rude?

HAHAHAHAAH!

Yeah, after a while, she just smiled at me and said: “Thank you”.

After the mixer, something our group still meeting again, as friend, of course, what make you think that this idiot can actually get anyone?

You may think what I have for her is somewhat romantic feeling, giving the fact that I care a lot for her, but I don’t think so. What I feel was like a hopeless person find comfort and happiness by seeing other people achieve it. And even if I have it, I will never tell it to anyone. Because I know for sure, that if for some crazy reason that she ended up fallen for me, I will just gonna drag her down to the mud with me, she will never gonna have her true happiness.

Ok, heads up. This story will not have any romance in it. Or maybe there is but is just not the way I see it.

Finally, there is one thing you can know for sure. I don’t know where she is or what she do, but I will always be cheering for her, from the bottom of my heart.