Chapter 0:


I Was Just a Lonely Weeaboo Until I Learned That I Am Actually a Descendant of an Ancient Japanese Family

James Fischer is your average shut-in, a man in his early 20's who lazes around his mom's house and promises that he'll get a job soon, while he instead watches anime and plays boring multiplayer online battle arena games. Unlike other shut-ins, however, James frequently works out and practices several forms of martial arts, imitating the fighting styles of his various pop culture idols. He likes to think that someday he'll get hit by a truck and get transported into a fantasy world where he'll have to use his combat skills on dangerous monsters to protect his harem of cute anime girls. Unfortunately for James, he really doesn't go outside enough to ever have a chance of being hit by a truck.

Fischer's mother is used to having packages show up at her house in her son's name, as he constantly tricks her into buying him merchandise, like anime figures or manga, so he can "get more motivated to go out and earn his own money."

This package was different though. It just had this weird aura around it, and Mrs. Fischer could tell that it wasn't anything that she had ordered for her son recently. It was addressed to James, and it was delivered from Japan. This wasn't irregular, however, since a lot of the merchandise that James wanted could only be ordered from Japan. She brought the package downstairs to him. 

"James honey, some mail came for you."

James's basement quarters were dark and musty, the only lights being the LED strips that ran along the top of the walls and from inside his ridiculously over-complicated gaming PC. His face was illuminated by his bright monitor, making his lazy shaving very obvious. He was just about finished watching the newest episode of some seasonal parody isekai, isekai being his favorite genre of anime (especially if the protagonist had a harem). 

"Just put it over there or something," James told his mother as he waved his arm in a random direction without taking his eyes off of the screen, "can you get me another Creature by the way?" (Creature is a caffeine-heavy energy drink that James uses to stay on his strict schedule of 3 hours of sleep per night.)

"Of course, honey," Mrs. Fischer said as she carefully placed the package onto James's makeshift discarded pizza box table. 

As his mom headed upstairs to grab his Creature, James decided to go ahead and open the package since the anime's outro was about to start, and he didn't like the song since it was made by a J-Pop artist that he believed to be extremely overrated, and he refused to give such basic weeblet music his time of day. 

The box was dark red and lined on the edges with ornate golden patterns, and held shut by two leather straps that ran across both planes of the rectangular box. On the top of the box, centered in the middle, was a fancy looking package label with the name "Rokujou Family."

"Nani sore?" James said out loud. He liked to use the few Japanese phrases that he knew whenever possible. 

He undid the leather straps quickly, incredibly curious as to the package's contents. The inside of the box was coated with a fancy crimson fabric, the kind that you would find on more expensive pillows. Laid inside the box was a curved, wooden, tube-like object painted with patterns of vines and flowers, and imbedded with 3 kanji that James didn't recognize (he knew like 4 different kanji in total). Under the tube was a stamped letter. 

"Is this... What I think it is...?"

James gripped both ends of the tube and slowly pulled outwards. The object opened at the middle, revealing a small blade.

"Holy shit, this is a seppuku sword!" James excitedly yelled. His attitude slightly shifted, though, as he thought of the possibility of this package being some elaborate death threat from the 4-Kun users he pissed off the week prior. He quickly dismissed the idea, however.

As Mrs. Fischer walked down the basement steps with the Creature energy drink, James was swinging the knife around his room in random directions while yelling anime phrases like "doriyah!". 

"When did you order that honey?" Mrs. Fischer asked as she set down James's drink while avoiding his erratic movements. 

"I didn't order it," James said, "it just showed up."

"How odd," his mother said as she brought the sword's box upstairs. 

She placed the box on the kitchen counter when she got upstairs, and then continued to go on with her day. Some time later, while she was walking through the kitchen, she noticed the unopened letter at the bottom of the box. 

James was in the middle of playing a boring multiplayer online battle arena game when he heard his mom scream out loud through his noise canceling headphones and his online friends yelling profanities into their mics. 

He took off his headset and yelled, "What's with the screaming, mom?" 

His mother ran downstairs, a piece of paper in her hands. "James, we're gonna be rich!"

Joe Gold