External factor

“What an ugly soul I’ve got here!

A real piece of art.

Let’s start from this.

That guy Adam. He makes you angry? Irritates you? Mocks and lies to you? A real scum right? And that’s why you had to pay him with the same and when you can’t win with words you resort to brainless insults. Why are you so petty? Maybe~ don’t tell me… do you feel that you’re better than him? Without even knowing anything about him, you assumed that you’re the one who’s right. True, his behavior was bad, that’s why I wanted to start from him. The both of you - idiots - are a good fit! Next time try to hold onto your reins a bit more or buy a new brain. But I have to admit, your self-glorifying is always at full power. Helping a little girl to build a snowman is a step to improve yourself. Finding a random guy in need is a pain in the ass that needs to be avoided… sorry I remembered it wrong… finding a random guy in need is dangerous and any normal person would just ignore it. Was it something like that? My memory’s pretty bad lately.

Let’s talk about Aura now. You actually felt good when she was crying and that’s why you made all those excuses that you can’t pat her head or hug her or even give her a good word or two. You were way more interested in her powers and the fact that she was showing you her weak side. It gave you a feeling of being special right? Oh~ the chosen one. You were the one that gained the most from Victor’s death. Such a good line! If only you actually felt something more about it. Share the burden of Victor’s suicide with her, I ask you… what burden? You just wanted to remake this fact into an emotional bridge between the two of you. The moment you saw her again and it was immediately a chance to act like close friends. She was crying her eyes out last time you met? Who cares! Let’s play with her in the snow. I would actually approve of that if you had some plan in mind as to how to follow it up and make her feel better, but who needs a plan when you can play together with a young girl. She wasn’t giving you the answers you wanted? Let’s scream at her! That’s the way to go~ At least you realized your mistake, but that was only because you were thinking that it would suck if such a pretty girl gave you a cold shoulder. As for her feelings? She wasn’t crying at that time so it was all OK. Try spending some time with her first, listen to her and learn more about her and maybe you will be able to truly help her. That’s my honest opinion, a rare occurrence!

Now we’re getting closer to the really gooood part.

Vio. Violet. Little sister. Whose little sister? That’s an important question you know. A really important one. BECAUSE FOR SURE NOT YOURS. So you’ve analyzed her behavior, basing it on Victor’s memories. Uhm, uhm. A truly good girl that wanted to help her poor brother and at the same time tried to improve her own situation a bit. That may have been a fragment of her motives, but for such a smart person as you, how the heck did you miss the most important part? Oh~ you didn’t? You just wanted to skip over it. No one will ever find out so it’s all alright. The truth is that - dum - dum - dum - dum - dum - Victor was the only person that never lied to her. Yeeeeaaaah~ the inconvenient truth. Just by existing in Victor’s body you’re already a big, fat lie. Did you ever wonder how she would feel if she knew that her brother’s soul’s already gone? That the only person she thought would never lie to her was actually swapped with an impostor. And you wanted to make her your own personal little sister! Since you’re such a good guy, of course you would treat her better. Play with her. Talk with her. Laugh with her. Endure all her insults because she’s just a tsundere and all you need to do is to wait for her dere side. Provide her with a good brother that she deserves. Make up for all the shit she had to go through. Make her rely on you. Diminish and mold her into your ideal sister. And trample all over her feelings. Each time she calls you a brother is a lie. A lie only you know about. Well, Aura knows as well, but that’s a minor detail… or not? What if Vio were told about it? What if she were to realize it all by herself? Would you just say ‘oh yeah that’s true, but I’m a better brother to you so who cares’? That would break her heart. And who knows, maybe then you would be able to heal that broken heart of hers to your own liking? It’s still not too late. Think hard about it.

Time for the grand finale.

Victor Amato. Our young deceased star. You took over his body as if this was the most natural thing to do. You summarized his entire life as useless. You frowned upon the things he did. You felt that you were soooo much better than him. You were happy with your second chance. Took over his sister as she was too good for Victor. Took over his flat as he didn’t clean it regularly. Took over his money as it was given to him by a family that was now YOUR family. But… didn’t you say it yourself? That at his age you were practically the same? What makes you better than him in that case? What gives you the right to judge him? What if I told you that he would reform his way a lot faster than you did? Oh~ sorry, that was a mistake, you only changed your outer layer of filth to something that looks a bit nicer. In reality you never truly reformed. But Victor could! You never, not even once, felt that it was a pity that he wasn’t given a chance. Should I remind you how many times you screamed at the world at how unfair it was when you wanted to change yourself? Poof~ the situation gets better, the body’s a lot better, and you immediately forget to look at Victor with even a tiny fragment of compassion. So what if he was in the same situation as you were? Who cares~ boring~ trash~ scum~ useless~. Your whole grand reformation is a sham. As long as your life gets better, as long as you feel good about it, as long as … oh let’s stop here.

As you’re crying so profusely right now, maybe there’s still a chance for you. I hope that my speech has helped you to open your eyes.

Let me introduce myself. I’m the 28th demon of reflection Votroadan, you may call me Votr. I will be your soul reformation judge and your guide in this world. I would like to explain some of the rules of this world, but it seems that you’re not really in the state to listen to me right now. I will be back later.”

It hurt. It hurts. It hurt. It hurts. It hurt. It hurts. It hurt. It hurts. Not the body, but the soul.

Everything was black. In the beginning, there was this horrible voice, but now it was gone. I was lying on the ground motionlessly. A pathetic mess of tears, saliva, and sweat. I couldn’t muster any strength to move or even speak.

The things he said… I wasn’t even aware of some of them myself, but they were all true. All the time, behind all that noble talk, was still the same loser.

This time I couldn’t pass the blame to anyone. There was nowhere to escape to. And even I knew that… I was sick of my rotten self.

I didn’t care where I was, nor what happens next. Fatigue was slowly overwhelming all my senses. If only I could sleep forever and never wake up.

“Oi~ is that your final decision? You’re just going to waste the second chance you were given? Since you can’t blame it on your ugly body anymore you won’t even try?”

The invisible restrictions were finally gone and I slowly shifted to a sitting position.

“I tried… I really did.”

“Try harder!”

“...”

“Try harder! Try harder!”

“...”

“Try harder! Try harder! Try harder!”

“...”

“Try harder! Try harder! Try harder! Try harder!”

“...”

“Try harder! Try harder! Try harder! Try harder! Try harder!”

“SHUT UP!”

“Oooo~ there’s still a spark of will left in you.”

“Why do you do this to me?”

I can clearly see my body, so it’s not as if there is no light in this dark space. It’s just that, other than myself, everything else is pitch black or maybe there isn't anything in here in the first place.

“What? You expected me to pity you? To give you a good word or two? You’re screaming for attention and don’t even care if it comes from a demon like me.”

This is also… true. Why is it always like that? Even if I know that at the end it is a bad choice, I will still take it in search of a momentary respite.

“Help me.”

This weak, hoarse call for help came from the core of my being.

“That’s more like it! At least you’re not resorting to petty tricks and emotional blackmail.”

“Help me please…”

“Uhm, uhm. Good, but sorry I can’t.”

“Wha…?”

“Let me ask you this. What do you want to do now?”

What I wanted to do, this question was like a crossroad. I had to finally pick one route and stick to it no matter what. There were three clear answers, and picking anything in between them would result in me crashing again sooner or later.

First - take the easy way out and sleep.

Second - stop lying to myself and become an epitome of selfishness, a true sociopath.

Third - reform my soul from the scratch.

"..."

"Whoa~ just like I thought! You're a real piece of art. You don't want the first choice as you've already picked it once and now it would also be a waste to throw away such a good body. You don't want the second choice as you know that there's a piece of you that resists it with all its might. You were even thinking that it would be easier if you just get rid of that last piece of conscience. You don't want the third choice as you can't fully put your soul into it, which equals to nothing more than living a fake life, a warped path of self-glorification."

I covered my face with both hands, yet again new streams of tears were flowing down my cheeks. Talking to Votr was meaningless as he could read my mind like an open book, but it was an action that protected me from entirely losing myself.

"What do you want me to do?"

"As you can't decide by yourself, the only option left is to find an external factor. Something that will become a supporting pillar behind one of those three choices. For now, you're allowed to remain in an undecided state. Think about it hard. The prelude’s over, shall we move on to other matters?”