Ruby New Deal

“Hey, Phyllis," I mumbled through a mouthful of poutine. "I’d like to update our contract, seeing as the mental block amendment was breached.”

Phyllis turned to direct her attention towards me. The cogs of her scheming were immediately visible in her topaz eyes as she saw a threat to her contract.

"Hey," Phyllis cut in, waving her hands in the air. That was under no fault of my own! According to Section Three of the Provider Obligations—"

"Yeah, I know," I interrupted quickly, pointing my fork her way. "I'm not saying you broke the contract. I'm saying our initial deal included something that is no longer included. And I have a new addendum that would be mutually beneficial to both of us."

The lich immediately sat forward, her eyes gaining a twinkle as a little saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.

“An addendum, you say? Do tell.”

After being elected the future mayor of Tahvinstead, my mind had become awash with ideas for development. They ranged from improvements to the citizens' quality of life to ways to generate money for the hamlet. But, enjoying citybuilders in my last life, I knew it wasn't good to go too big too fast. I needed to start with something small, so instead I began with something I believed would be a winner in Phyllis's eyes.

"Tahvinstead is a halfway point between two major cities, but it doesn't offer much in the way of lodging or food." I presented as though I was standing before a panel of predatory investors. "Thus, I was interested in starting the first of a potential chain of fast-food and motel establishments. Allow me to introduce you to Dick’s Hitch-n-Holler and the Hillside Garden Inn. For fifteen—"

"I'm out," Phyllis responded immediately. "Dumb."

"What?!" I exclaimed, taken aback by her quick response. "Phyllis, this is right up your lane! I'd just need a few exoplanes to fug around with so I could comfortably house people and diners."

"I already had this venture once before, remember, author boy? The Best Western City Inn? It was a gold sink that barely broke even. I was actually glad when the world ended so I could stop forking money into that fuggin' project."

"B-but the fast food—"

"The arcane cost to run to the exoplane just to feed people wouldn't be worth it. Do you know how many arcanz it takes to maintain even a small planar franchise, let alone feed people? And, plus, who's your target market supposed to be? You can't serve fast food at multiple silver per meal. You'd need a copper menu, and unless you're feeding entire cities with one store, it's just not realistic. Then there's the fact that mortals are lame and eventually get bored with the novelty. This means that over time, they'll stop returning, and then there goes even more profits. And for that reason. I'm out."

Grumbling, I looked down at my hands. Unfortunately, I knew exactly what Phyllis meant even though I had never heard the term arcanz before. She thought the plan wasn't profitable, and the lich was right. I did make her the capitalist of Esseria after all. So even though I wanted my franchise locations to happen, I knew I'd have to start with something else. Something more profitable. Something I didn't want to do, but I knew would draw her in.

"Fine." I finally spoke, looking up. "How about this. I want to turn Tahvinstead into a city of tomorrow that surpasses the likes of Westerriton and Illuhsan'drayden. To do that, I need celestinium and a lot of it. I recently snagged the rights to mine and process the ore deposit beneath Tahvinstead. I'll give you twenty percent of the raw ore we mine if you back all the projects I plan to incorporate in the future city's development, including the franchises."

“Deal,” She exclaimed suddenly. "I'm in!"

Well, that was easy. Wait, was that what she wanted all along? I immediately thought, realizing that she must have seen the celestinium when we dove underground. Classic Phyllis.

“Okay, but as part of the deal, I want to guarantee the split of the returns of everything I achieve between myself and my triop. Even twenty-five percent all around, in writing, that way if something ever happens to me, they still get their payout, with the caveat that I shoulder all responsibility and consequences. You don't get their souls! Do you understand?”

“You want to give your employees a guaranteed equal share? Ouf—bad business model.”

“Those are my terms!” I ignored her reply. "Take them or leave them for twenty percent of the raw celestinium mined."

With a concentrated scowl, my already signed contract appeared atop the table with new page markers on the back dozen sheets. Knowing better than to trust the lich at face value, I took a moment to scan the additional paperwork added to my already existing contract. Once again, combating Phyllis's onslaught of distractions and pressuring, I managed to clear all the known locations where she would normally slip in her little 'gotchas' before eventually signing.

“Wonderful," Phyllis spoke, hopping from the table and beginning to walk away. “I look forward to seeing you commercialize the east coast of Esseria. Though, honestly, I'm a little surprised you didn't try to weasel your way into removing that Clause Sixty-Nine-Dash-Oh. You know, the one that traps you in the limbo of contractual celibacy.”

My heart began to race at the thought as my mind drew pictures of the triop in revealing clothes and a whole manner of inappropriate scenarios. Grabbing at my chest, I felt the world begin to spin at the lecherous idea.

“Wait, Phyllis,” I called out from my seat, standing immediately. "I could have done that?"

"Definitely. Hell, I would have given into your franchise scheme if you agreed to fug those girls on scry three times a week for my LonelyFans page. But twenty percent of your celestinium is good too! Mwahahaha!"

"No, wait, Phyllis, come back! I want to negotiate my contract again!"

"No can do! Mwahahaha! Suffer my little concel!"

No! You scheming lich! I thought, grimacing as I watched her continue to walk away from me.

“Phyllis, wait." I continued to negotiate, chasing after her as she approached the exit to her Dwindlefyre shoppe. "Can you at least tell me if Ri is going to be okay?”

“How should I know? I’m not a healer.”

“But you’re the schemer who's really supposed to know everything.”

“I know as much as you, kid.” At this, Phyllis stopped and turned towards me. “Oh, though I do think I have a bit of information you don’t have.”

“Anything.” I plead, my lecherous thoughts turning to relief that Phyllis may have something to ease my mind.

“Right, you know the Heroes of your story? Maren, Giovanni, and Poppy? Yeah, they got in a big disagreement over last solstice, and now that the school year is over, they've disbanded.”

My heart skipped a beat before sinking. The heroes meant to save the world were no more. Their disbanding was never part of the story and was, in fact, a worst-case scenario. Without their three unique strengths banding together, the happily ever after that this world was destined to have was no longer a guarantee. Yet, no matter how many questions I had or how much anxiety it was causing me, I could see that Phyllis was relishing in my discomfort

“They did what?! What do you mean? What happened last solstice? Phyllis, don't walk away from me!”

“Uh-oh, customers! Byeeeee—”

And with that, she disappeared through the doorway back into her Dwindlefyre shoppe, leaving me alone with the knowledge that the world's fate may very well be teetering towards damnation.