Nagamine was here

     Because Nagamine committed suicide, my life changed radically. Not only did I lose the only person I loved with all my being, but I could even be blamed for the drastic decision he made. His parents have to work for the community for 15 years with his sister. His soulmate will soon be scheduled for a new partner as if he could erase Nagamine's memory so easily.

     That's why I decided to start a journal. I go to my desk and take one of the empty notebooks that I didn't write anything in, but that I had to buy. In fact, I was not obliged, surprisingly, but it was a necessity for my soul. I've always liked to have a lot of blank notebooks to write on. I've never written anything, but I just don't mind having them on my desk shelves.

     I don't know what I could write in it, given that every day is the same, but here, once again, Nagamine proved to me that things are not as simple as I thought. Although every day is scheduled to be the same and they all look alike, I have a very strange feeling that from now on, my life will be full of strange events. I don't know if I'm going crazy or not, but this premonition is very strong, making my body feel constant tingling inside that I can't alleviate by scratching myself.

     One day I was sitting on the bench with Nagamine. Everyone in the school had left, but we were both punished for talking during class. It was a necessity. We had to stay together for at least a few minutes. Thus, we had both decided to receive this punishment, being forced to clean the school halls for a week. We cleaned them together, and at the end, we set aside five or ten minutes to just sit and talk.

     Nagamine told me about his soulmate. He told me that she is a very nice girl and she seems very loving and attentive. I was happy for Nagamine, although I couldn't understand the luck of some people. The two had barely known each other for about a year, but they seemed to be doing well. Nagamine always protected her and never told her about his suicidal thoughts. He never intended to hurt her and he loved her very much.

     At that moment, my mind had run straight to Imada and Mano, who, although they had just met, seemed to be made for each other. And hearing all sorts of cases like this, made me wonder if I would be so lucky when I would be sixteen and I would have to go to the National Distribution Institute, where I would meet my soulmate that a computer chose him for me. I have no way to oppose, I can only remain silent and accept, other options are not allowed.

     My guitar teacher told me that in the age of make-up and cars, people could choose the people they wanted to be with and they were not forced to spend the rest of their days with them, until old age. On the contrary, people had many relationships and even if they got married, they could divorce at any time. That, of course, until the war came, and Golden Power began to make laws.

     Thus, this project was initiated over sixty years that bore fruit and since then the laws have been in this way. The project consisted of creating a computer and a well-developed system that could choose two compatible people to be together. They forbade divorces. Each couple was entitled to one child. The rest were just abortions. And all this was to maintain the population. One of the reasons for the pollution - which was the main argument of the war - was overpopulation. The world was making many children, and the Earth was losing its resources.

     I look at the pages of the diary, figuring that I started writing without realizing it. And as usual, my ideas are lost when I get to talk or think about Golden Power. Repulsion towards this society makes me sick. Nagamine and I didn't talk much about Golden Power, and if I ever did, I'd probably laugh at them. We had a dream when we were little when we both actually realized what world we live in, being that we wanted to run together. We have been told by parents and at school that all areas are the same, and all areas of the world, called Regions, are under the command of the leaders of Golden Power.

     But we did not stop dreaming. I had once bought a map that I studied carefully. I was doing the shift. I kept the map for a day and wrote down all sorts of things, and Nagamine, based on my notes, made a route with the marker. I always left the map in the school locker, taking care not to notice anyone. It was just important that someone who knew Nagamine not see me put the map in his locker.

     When I first took the map, I noticed that the Regions are divided into two nameless continents. The top three Regions are Silver Land, Copper Land, and Sapphire Land. Then comes our Region, Emerald Land. The last two Regions on the first continent are Hessonite Land and Pearl Land. Then the oceans come around the continents. Each Region is separated by mountains, valleys, or forests, being isolated from each other.

     On the second continent are the four Regions, being the most important. The first in the north are Ruby Land and Diamond Land, followed by a towering forest that connects the north of the continent with the south, where Tiger Eye Land and Golden Land, the country's capital, are located.

     However, in the north, near the Sasara Ocean, there are three islands that, on the map, were drawn in black. There does not seem to be a Region, and its name makes it a forbidden place. Cursed Land, the three islands connected by bridges and surrounded by The Cursed Sea.

     When I talked to my mother about all this, she didn't give me many details, telling me that I would find out more at school. However, she explained to me why all the Regions are named after precious stones. After the war, when Golden Power came to power, it had to rebuild the continents from scratch, improving them. Thus, to maintain order and homogeneity, they decided to name the Regions according to the dominant gemstone. Thus, Pearl Land has this name because most of the pearls are found in The South Ocean. Emerald Land, our region bears this name because we have the largest emerald deposits, being very close to the mountains.

     My mother didn't tell me much about Cursed Land, only that it is a forbidden land, isolated from normal people, where very sick and contagious people live. Being very dangerous, the world decided to send them to this island. We have not heard of contagious cases among our Regions, probably because all the contagious were taken to Cursed Land where they live according to their own rules. But I think they live better than we do.

     My hand starts to numb and without realizing it, it seems that I have filled a few more pages of the diary. I drew even the map, which looks a lot like the one Nagamine and I had.

     I close the diary and carefully place it in the office, pushing it as far back as possible, losing visibility. I get up from my desk and go to the kitchen where I see my father reading the newspaper. I didn't even realize when he got home.

      “Hello,” I say, opening the fridge.

     My father greeted me briefly, glancing at the edges of the newspaper. I take a fatter yogurt out of the fridge than my family is allowed to eat and I take a teaspoon out of the drawer. The rule of the house is that everything that is consumed should be eaten or drunk in the kitchen. It's not really the rule of the house, it's more of the government. Given the fact that once a month there is an inspection of the house, it is important not to find any lost wandering under the bed in my room or any other bedroom.

     “Don't spoil your appetite,” says my father, without even taking his eyes off the newspaper.

     I nod even though I know he's not looking at me.

     “Where is mom?” I ask, sipping yogurt from the teaspoon.

     “She put the food in the oven and now spreads the laundry on the balcony.”

     Once I hear that the food is in the oven, I am struck by its smell. I think my mother prepares beef with vegetables because I can feel the heady red wine floating through the kitchen. Concentrating and listening carefully, I also hear the sizzling of vegetables cooking in their own liquid. The sound becomes more and more prominent, as if I were right there, among vegetables and meat.

     I shake my head and finish my yogurt, throwing the package in the trash and quickly washing the teaspoon. I run back to the room, closing the door behind me. I sit down at my desk again and take out the notebook I made my diary again. I open it, giving the many pages I filled in earlier until I reach a completely blank new page.

     June 2, 2216, Monday.

     Today, Nagamine's death was announced at school. The world I knew is beginning to take on a different outline, being much vaguer than it was before. Everything was simple, but since Nagamine committed suicide, it seems like strange things are happening to me.

      First of all, the dream that haunts me and does not give me peace. Then the palm I gave to Imada, removing her hand, without moving my arm, as if a force inside me began to externalize. Then there was the far too vivid image of Nagamine as if that had happened at that moment as if Nagamine was there in the flesh and bones. Then the sound of vegetables that seemed too loud and that my father didn't seem to notice.

     After receiving my sentence, I resumed my classes. I found Nagamine's note in the economy book. I tried to stop my tears all day. But things got worse when the lunch break came. As usual, I took the second course, ignoring the vegetable cream soup which is absolutely nauseating. I took my tray and sat down at the table with Imada, Mano, and Hokama. Imada didn't look at me, not even full of hatred. He treated me like he wasn't there.

     I close the pen and take the note Nagamine gave me out of the drawer. I take the tube of glue and stick the letter in the diary.

     After a few minutes, Imada began a painful and poignant discussion about Nagamine's death, offending both him and his parents who ‘did not know how to raise him.’ Imada started this discussion, finally casting deadly glances at me, trying to provoke me.

     Then she began to address me in an arrogant and stinging tone, asking me uncomfortable questions. She kept asking me if I was in love with Nagamine, if we were adulterous brothers, or if we were the best friends chosen by the school's distribution program.

     I ate my food quietly, ignoring all that was said and heard from Imada's mouth. But my nerves made me give up. I ate slowly, swallowing more in disgust than in hunger. Imada rose abruptly from the table and pulled Mano after her. Hokama had left as soon as she finished eating, wanting to pat me on the back. But something stopped her and she just left. She was probably afraid of me.

      Then I got home and all I managed to do was write absurd dreams and painful memories in my diary for two hours, waiting for dinner with my parents.

     I close the diary and go to the kitchen, thinking it's not long before dinner. Before I leave the room, I take the economy textbook with me, reminding myself that I need to give them the sheet I received from the principal and sign it.

     I close the door behind me, making sure I put the diary on the desk, and walk to the kitchen as if I'm very nervous about my parents. The truth is that I am angry at Imada's immature behavior, showing a great lack of respect.

     “Hello, mom!” I say, sitting down at the table.

     Dad helps her by preparing a fresh summer salad with several vegetables with plenty of water. The cheese is indispensable, and the spices seem to be chosen. I don't know how my family learned to cook so well, but if I'm not mistaken, at school we have a special course for something like that. But I won't have it until the last year.

      “Hi, honey! What are you doing? Are you ok?”

      I nod and kiss my mother on the cheek when she comes to me to do the same.

     “I heard about your classmate's death in high school. Too bad ... Your generation seems very unconscious. You realize how difficult it was for his parents...”

     I roll my eyes, taking advantage of the fact that they are both with their backs to me, and I try to avoid getting angry. My father brings a large bowl of salad, and my mother spreads two plates, one with meat and vegetables, and the other with mashed potatoes, which I think also has a pea paste because it smells very sweet and is green.

     I get up and take the plates and cutlery that I put on the table. Then I sit down and my mother takes a moment to rest with my father to pray. The two hold hands and begin to recite a prayer in a whisper, closing their eyes. No one must hear them and as the walls are very thin, it is advisable to whisper. If anyone found out that my parents were doing this, they would rat them out and the government would probably kill them. They say they actually put those who commit such crimes in prison, but I don't think so.

      Everyone begins to put on their plate after the prayer is over, and I glance tensely at the economy book I left in the chair next to me. This will be my brother's chair in the near future. I wait for everyone to put their food on and when they are ready, I tell them in a hurry:

      “Before you start eating, I have to give you this.”

       I pick up the textbook and take out the sheet I received from the director from between the pages. I hand it to them, lowering my gaze. The two read aloud what is written on the sheet and suddenly I hear nothing. After a few seconds, I decide to look up at them, but my parents just sit with their heads down and eat, with the most terrifying expressions. They seem shocked and upset but also scared. This is not surprising, given that I've always been a good student.

      “You and that suicidal boy...” mom tries to say all of a sudden.

     “No, mom!” I find myself almost screaming at her.

     Dad looks up, frowning and chewing nervously. He doesn't take me out of the rigidity of his gaze, and then I realize I have to apologize, speaking in a whisper.

     “You have already received your punishment,” my father throws me relentlessly, finally turning his gaze.

      "It's not like you have any power to punish me," I say, using an arrogant, superior voice.

     Dad got up nervously from the table, leaving his body to me. He straightens his voice and sits back in his chair, looking worriedly at my mother.

     "I don't allow you to talk like that to any of us," my mother began in a whisper. “You have always been a good child, and your reactions show that you and that boy were ...

      My mother's voice begins to disappear once she pronounces her name, and in front of me, I can only see two people who could be my parents, talking as if I were deaf. I can see their lips moving, but all my attention is on Nagamine sitting on the sideboard. I close and reopen my eyes, blinking often, as if trying to wake up.

      But I'm not dreaming. My mother gives her speech, my father approves, looking at me, and Nagamine grins from the sideboard. He shrugs as if tired and glances at me, which he then leads to my parents.

      “Iwamoto, I'm talking to you!” I hear my mother screaming.

     I break out of my daydreams and look at my mother, exasperated. She rolls her eyes and suddenly gets up from the table, taking her plate.

     "Where you go?” my father asks.

     His mother doesn't answer and disappears from the kitchen.

      “Do you see what you did?!”

     Dad also takes his plate and goes after mom, probably trying to calm her down. I take back the unsigned sheet and put it with the crisis in the economics textbook.

      I turn my gaze to the buffet, wanting to give Nagamine a sad smile, but he is gone too. I don't know if I imagined it or not, but I feel like Nagamine was here, and that makes me even sadder. I continue to eat quietly, nibbling one bite more in haste than hunger. I realize that my life is really changing. Either I'm going crazy or I'm in a post-traumatic shock. Either way, I know Nagamine was here. And now I have one more thing to write in the diary.