The Lady attempts to drown someone

We both sat there, eying each other down. I made an inward sigh and decided to address him.

“*Ahem* Gentleman, may I help you?”

“Ah, apologies, my muse. I thought I was staring at a beauty more captivating than the sun. A beauty capable of taking my breath away, even my very sight!”

Bitch did you just call me ugly?

“But if I lost my sight to such beauty, I wouldn’t mind going blind.”

….Can I drown him? No, let’s look at the brightside! He brought booze, I can drink-Wait, I gotta show self control. I gotta wait for the right moment…

“Oh pardon my manners, I offer you these refreshments my dear Lady.”

Finally, I have permission to get s***faced! I summon forth two wine glasses, not to feed into his ego of course. As expected the dunce wanted to pour my glass, I do enjoy a little effort so I allow him. After pouring our glasses artfully, he places mine in front of me.

“For you My Sapphire, I’ve acquired the finest vintage. From Vincent no less!”

“Oh, how lovely!”

I decide to play his game a little bit, and I’ll have you know I know my booze. This is cheap hooch at best, but it was made with care. Its red violet color attests to the purity and the aroma in the air tells me it’s been aged quite a bit. Hold on, this isn’t hooch! This is Chante de Scarle! How did this Dunce get this! No, my eyes never play tricks on me, why’d I assume-

“My Water Lily, may I interest you in the first drink?”

“No need, may we partake together.”

“Very well, a toast to your eyes!”

“Heh, quite the charmer aren’t you!”

I pretended to be playful, but I’m onto you you lousy f***er! That’s why the wine seemed low quality, the bastard added an aphrodisiac to the mix. Judging by how it shimmers in the sunlight, I’m guessing it’s Moonwisp dust. It’s made from the wings of Moonlit Monarchs, you dry a bunch and smash them into a fine powder. They are used in drinks at brothels to ease tension and help people relax. I won’t condemn him outright since I’m immune to minor effects like this, but this Dunce still has a lot of nerve. As planned we both drank at the same time, at least the flavor isn’t bland. I’m surprised he can drink through his helmet, I wonder where he got the Moonwisp dust anyway.

“I must say, the critters around these parts are quite adorable. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Why certainly, the other day I had a tea party with the most adorable bear!”

That seemed to get a jolt outta him, serves him right. Just realized Moonlit Monarchs live in this forest, I feed them sometimes. Did this bastard kill my pet butterflies!

“My Muse, is everything alright? You seem a bit preoccupied?”

“My apologies, I’m just thinking about how amazing you are.”

“Oh, I see. Well in that case allow me to regale you.”

Dammit, I opened Pandora's box, didn't I?

“For you see, I’m not any ordinary knight! I am actually Sir Lan-”

“Sir Dunce!”

“Hmmm?”

“Oh, is everything alright?”

The knight tilted his head for a moment, success I managed to sneak it in. After my minor prank, he continued telling me nonsensical tales in an attempt to win me over. Dude listen, I may look young but I'm practically a granny. I know you’re wearing cadet armor, you don’t even have a badge of valor. If I snitched, how much trouble would he be in? Decisions, decisions…

“So My Dove, how do you like my tales?”

“I love them, you’re so brave and dapper! Mayhaps I can hear about your comrades too!”

“Why certainly, now then where do I begin?”

How many names does this bastard have for me? Since he was busy getting into another spiel, I decided to relax my posture and rested my hand on my left cheek. The next five minutes were the Dunce’s therapy session. He was happily talking s*** about his coworker’s, especially his best friend Tristan. He seems jealous that the ladies flock to him when that helmet’s off, Tristan apparently has quite the face. Dunce’s canvas is supposed to be far more impeccable though, whatever you say smartass. Soon his posture changed, and right when he seemed finished-

“Oh! I almost forgot, I had one more member to talk about.”

“Oh, and who might that be?”

“We got a new recruit recently, what’s his name again? Ah, Artie, that’s it!”

…This motherf***er better not do what I think he’s about to do. Sadly he did, he began hurling insults at Artie. The same hard working knight I just blessed, apparently Artie came a month after Dunce and Tristan. Dunce along with his seniors have been putting him through the ringer for it.

“Apologies for sounding so unsavory, My Succulent, you know what they say. A little hazing never hurt anyone!”

“Is that so?”

“Yes, you should’ve seen the trick we played on him a while back! I’m surprised he didn’t fall into a ditch with that blindfold on.”

Blindfold…ha, Hahahahahahaha! Oh I get it, so it was you!

“My dear knight, may you follow me for a moment?”

“Most certainly, My Grace!”

Ah, the shy voice works wonders on the hearts of man. It also lures the most delectable flies into this trap.

“You see, this is my favorite spot. The water has the most beautiful hue here!”

“Oh, I see. Well it is gorgeous, but not as gorgeous as you!”

“Oh my, how ambitious you are!”

He seemed dejected when he saw I wasn’t leading him to my bedroom, but he saved it with that line. He sure did! Ah, my precious Dunce! You’ll have your wet and fun playtime soon!

“Don’t just stand over there, please come closer.”

“Of, but of course My Beloved!’

We stood at the edge of my altar looking at what lay below. Taking advantage of the mood, I put my hand on his lower back-

“Oh, heavens! My my what soft hands you-”

-And pushed him head first into the water. He tried to climb out, but I planted my foot on his head. He began struggling to get out, so I decided to swap out my noble slides for my pair of heels. I could feel him in agony from the change in footwear, sorry boy your hell has just begun. I entered a state of zen, releasing the stress from 30 minutes worth of bulls*** and wasted time. Remembering the self defense arts taught to me by my predecessor, I inhaled sharply. Sis, I hope you’re watching this!

“Lakum, 100 foot Rush!”

“Glluuurrppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I stomped hard into his back, 100 times in one instant! Lakum combat arts, calm as the river and sharp as a blade! I leaped off his back, the dim sod was convulsing in the water now. Maybe I over-Is that piss? Did this f***er piss in my Lake!?! I sleep in there you dips***! Before I could chastise him, the prick lifted his head out the water and stared back at me sharply.

“What The F*** Is Wrong With You! I wine and dine you and instead you assault me like a wildebeest! You Barbaric Barnyard Bitch!”

…

“What did you just call me?”

“Eek! Wait, My Honeysuckle! I’m just a bit surprised, you came on so hard! Please, I’m sorry!”

“You think this is a barnyard, correct?”

I controlled the water, creating a giant hand out of water and grabbing Dunce with it.

“No no no, wait wait wait wait! Wait wait wait wait!”

“Get the f*** off my farm!”

I chucked Dunce off my property, the bastard cried as he went flying. Don’t worry, you won’t die, I tossed you someplace safe. Whether you die or not depends on how she’ll react upon seeing you. Was this drastic of me, perhaps. However…

“No one talks about my boy, not while I’m around!”

I swore that if I ever met someone similar to how I once was, I’d give them the support my sister gave me. Well enough sentimentality, time to clean this mess! I brought out some purifying salts and added them to the water. If I’m lucky the water should be clean soon, although…

“It’s gonna take a few days for this stuff to settle, Where The Hell Am I Supposed To Sleep!”

****

It’s been a while since I’ve seen him. He went on a stroll a few weeks ago and never came back. What could’ve possibly happened to him!

*Crash*

“...Huh?”

I decided to leave my garden, and see what just crashed near my grotto. I was perplexed to see a knight soaked and wet, he was flailing around my mushroom patch.

“That accursed Devil Woman! You haven’t seen the last of me you hear!”

Devil woman? Ah, it must be her then. With a snap of my fingers, sleep spores came from my shrooms. Soon the knight found himself in a deep sleep, as a punishment I conjured some vines and stuffed some poison ivy into his clothes. Judging by his smell, I’m guessing he came from Vincent. I gave him a good toss back, he should wake up back home if everything goes well. Now then, on to more pressing matters.

“Gwendolyn, I’m coming to see you soon.”