(Anastasia) A Congregation of Criminals

There is a certain café which I always see on the way to my dentist’s office.

Being in the line of work that I am, I end up going there quite often. Did you know that 1 in 5 chase scenes end in being punched in the teeth?

After getting my teeth re-inserted into my mouth, I usually stop by the café to eat something cold as my Anastas- I mean, Anesthesia...wears off.

Today I was doing just that, after I got punched in the teeth by a small child who looked like my dead brother. He said he was practicing his Racing Gun.

So after I dropped by the dentist’s, I had a rendezvous with my assistant Matéo Sanchez at the café.

As soon as I entered, I noticed something was off. Something...was missing.

Tables? Check. Disharmonious decorations? Check. Girl with an unfortunate workload? Check. Comedian in the 2nd stage of grief? Check. Disagreeable owner? Unfortunately, check.

What was missing? It seems my assistant might know the answer. He rushed to the door, looking pale.

“Sanchez,” I greeted him with a nod.

“Madam Anastasia…” he said, his expression quite desperate. I could tell something was wrong.

“Tell me.”

“Your Baier Easy Breezy 9000-BTU portable air conditioning with window ventilation kit included…” he squeezed his wrist.

“Yes…?”

“It…it has been stolen.”

I paused for a moment, gripped with shock.

“...”

I tipped my fedora, casting a shadow over my eyes.

“I was afraid this day would come…”

“Madam Ana, that is not all…”

“Speak, Sanchez.”

“Your collector’s edition of the Bespicable Me 2 version Game of Living…it…it has been stolen also…”

“Surely, you jest?”

“No Madam, I saw it, I saw it with my own eyes…” Sanchez shook at the memory.

“You saw it disappear? You mean to say you saw the culprit?”

“Yes Madam, but they were in disguise…”

“Sit down, Sanchez.” I took out my typewriter. Sanchez knew what to do.

“They…they were dressed in grey…”

“Grey? An unconventional choice...”

“They- they had a black bandana over their eyes…and…and…”

I paused my typing as he bit his lip. His gaze flitted around the room. He was a nervous wreck.

I took him by the shoulders. “Get a grip, Sanchez. You must tell me what you saw.”

He paused and took a shuddering breath. Just how fearsome was this criminal?

“They were short and portly, their face was round…” he continued slowly, trying to recall the figure.

“Any other distinguishing features?”

“I…no, I think- I…”

I watched as he picked at his unfinished piece of cake.

As I looked back down at my typewriter, he suddenly slammed his fist on the table.

“Their ears! Their ears, Madam! They had the pointiest ears!! Like a devil! Oh Madam, the vile creature!”

“I see…so it doesn’t seem like we are dealing with a professional…” I said, but I had my doubts.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something sinister behind this. Else, what could render Sanchez into this incomprehensible fool?

Sanchez clenched his hair, about to tear it out. “Oh Madam Ana, if only I could remember something else…”

“No Sanchez, you did well. Tell me if anything else comes to mind.”

“I will. I will Madam,” he nodded vigorously.

It was time for me to investigate.

------------------------------

“A thief?” The new worker looked pensive.

“Please let me know if you can recall anything of value. Anything at all,” I pressed. Although, I wasn’t expecting too much from this scrawny, oblivious kid. This was a courtesy of sorts.

After thinking for a while, he desisted.

“If it helps, I can give you my shift schedule?” he suggested. “I didn’t see anything when I was at the counter.”

I accepted his offer and continued. But I didn’t find much value:

“Have you seen anything suspicious lately?”

“Have I seen anything suspicious?” said the young man named Dazzle, who was carrying a full mixing console under his arm.

“Have I seen anything suspicious?” he repeated.

“Yes,” I said. “Please answer the question.”

“Please make an appointment,” he stated. Then he was gone.

Next was a woman drinking tea. I recognized her.

“Ms. Lucky, if I’m correct?”

“You are, Miss Anastasia.”

“Well then Ms. Lucky, have you seen anything suspicious lately?”

“I have, Miss. Actually, a lot of things have been disappearing lately. A few bean bags, a lot of food. But actually, for once, the trash can is empty, so that’s quite fortunate. Really set an unpleasant odour in this place.”

“I see, thank you very much.”

At least that was some information. I moved to the next table.

“Have you seen anything suspicious lately?”

“Oh, are you investigating her?” replied a girl with dyed silver hair.

“Her? Do you know something?”

“Yeah, you’re looking for a criminal right?”

“That’s right. Do you already know who the thief is?”

“Oh. Thief...I misunderstood. Sorry, wrong person.”

After the girl refused to elaborate, I moved on to the next person.

“Have you seen anything suspicious lately?”

Maisha, the young girl who always had a new pile of work after she’d finished the last, ignored me and continued working. I would like to believe that she simply didn’t hear me because she was concentrating on her work.

After that, I decided to put a hold on collecting information, and create a profile of possible suspects. One thing I had gathered from my investigation is that there was apparently more than one criminal frequenting this café. However, as I made way to sit at a table, I heard a small gasp behind me.

“TRASHLORD!!! THERE YOU ARE!!”

I turned around, and behind me I saw a child of about 8 years old, who I recognized to be the child who punched me in the teeth this morning.

“Ah, young Maruto, what brings you to this humble establi-”

“MISS DETECTIVE MY BUDDY IS GETTING AWAY CAN YOU HELP ME CATCH HIM?!!” the young child interrupted me frantically.

I followed his gaze to see that his ‘buddy’ was a raccoon, and it had a tray of mugs balanced on its back.

Just as it clicked, my assistant let out a scream. “It is him! Madam Ana, it is him I tell you!!!”

Of course, he was pointing at the raccoon. Good God.

As the raccoon - allegedly named Trashlord according to young Maruto - made his escape through a window, I followed suit.

“WAIT FOR MEEEE!!!” screeched Maruto. I stopped, and bent over, swiftly picking the child up and carrying him through the window. The two of us ran out of the alleyway.

“Young Maruto, have you any clue where your buddy may have gone?”

“I DO I DO! I THINK MAYBE AT THE PARK BECAUSE I ALWAYS SEE HIM AT THE PARK AND THAT IS ACTUALLY WHERE WE BECAME BEST BUDDIES FOR LIFE WHEN HE PROTECTED ME FROM AN EVIL SPARROW BY EATING IT!!!”

Hence, the two of us made our way to the park.

“COME WITH ME!” said Maruto. He led me to a little expanse of woodland at the edge of the park.

“In there! He’s in there!” he whispered.

“Leave this to me, young Maruto.” It was time for another chase scene.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

After the chase scene - which did not end in being punched in the teeth, thankfully - I was able to discover the creature’s hideout.

As I thought, all of the missing items were right there - the bean bags, the food, and even the Baier Easy Breezy 9000-BTU portable air conditioning with window ventilation kit included - they were all there.

I sighed. In the end it was just a raccoon.

That was the one thing I had overlooked. My young assistant, Mateo Sanchez, had only been working with me for two weeks. I had taken his words and his fear at face value, not considering that perhaps he was just supernaturally cowardly.

But you see, the real mystery was after I had returned all the items to the café. A few weeks later, all of the items had disappeared once again.

The elusive owner insisted it would be in my best interest not to search for them this time.