(Jimothy) Mans Got Jokes

“Nahhh, don’t even sweat it, I’ll turn the vibes all the way up. We’re about to get turnt.” I laughed at my own joke. Jessica didn’t look up at me as she grunted out a small, “uhn.”

She looked uncomfortable. But I knew just how to cheer her up.

“Uhhh Jess, yoooo. I got a question for you.” I nudged her with my elbow.

“What.” She still didn’t look up from her phone.

“Where my hug at though?”

“I have a boyfriend,” she got up and walked away. I watched as she sat in a chair across the room. Damn, someone’s on her period I guess. Still, I love when they play hard to get. I’m used to girls throwing themselves on me, so I’m glad I found a female who respects herself.

For those of you that haven’t heard of me yet, I’m Jimothy. I’m kinda a comedian, not tryna flex or anything. I do stand up for lame cafés like this place, but really I think I should become a vlogger. The ultimate flex would be to be a family vlogger, because videos advertised to kids always make the most money. I’m tryna make bank so I can buy a lambo! All cash! Plus, it would be sooo sick to be 18 and in a mansion, no cap.

Unfortunately though, I’m still in high school. I can’t wait to get out of my stupid parents’ house, they keep telling me to get a “real job.” Like, can they shut up for two seconds bro? I’m tryna grind now so I can relax later. How do you think the CEO of Besla did it? I doubt he was working a graveyard shift for some lame grocery store. Mans was too busy being an absolute chad.

Y’all are probably wondering how I’m making bank. As I said before, I do comedy gigs. Obviously my boys come out to support me, but right now I’m tryna start a vlog channel. I can’t monetize my videos until I get at least 1000 subscribers, but I know it’ll happen soon enough. I bet as soon as my next video comes out, I’ll be at 1 million. Boom.

You might think I’m cocky, but let me put you on this. This is a piece of advice that I normally charge for. Listen up.

It’s all in the mindset.

If you think you can’t, you definitely can’t. You gotta believe in it.

I know, I know. Y’all are probably thinking, “Damn, Jimothy, how are you so smart but you’re only in high school?” Well, I may be young, but my IQ is like 1000, no joke. I only play games on my phone that claim, “If you beat this game, you’re smarter than Einstein.” These games are so easy, so I probably have quadruple the amount of IQ points compared to Einstein. I wanna stay humble and remember my roots though, so I say my IQ is only 1000.

I’m hella excited for today’s stand up set, though. I honestly don’t even care if no one laughs at my jokes (some people are just too dumb). See, today I brought my future girlfriend, Jessica. She’s super hot and she loves to play hard to get. She’s definitely into me. I plan on dedicating my routine to her, and to top it all off, I’m gonna ask her out after I’m done performing. She’s gonna be so gassed, dude. She’s gonna be all like, “Oh my god, Jimothy, this is so romantic of you!” I should film this for my next vlog! The title would probably be, “Comedian asks out girlfriend in front of audience??? *emotional*”

To be honest, I think Jessica is the one. You see, I’ve been hurt in the past by so many girls. They only care about my money. They never actually cared about me or my feelings, so typical of females. Trust me, I would know. I have a couple of jokes dedicated to my exes, I’m sure all the cool dudes will be able to relate.

I have about 30 minutes until this dumb competition starts, and I decided to practice some good one liners. I would read them out to Jessica, but I can’t see her in the audience. She must be in the bathroom or something, she’s definitely on her period.

I look around the room to see if anyone looks as cool as me. I spot three older looking guys, so I approach them. As I walk up to them, though, the bald guy walks away with the one beside him. Whatever, this guy seems fine. I tap him on the shoulder and he turns around to face me. He looks like he’d been laughing. Perfect! I bet this man’s got jokes.

“Hey man, I’m second in performing order and I wanna practice a bit. You okay if I spit some fire jokes at you?”

He looked confused. “Excuse me?”

“Nahh my guy, I’m a comedian. I just wanna spit some one-liners.. You know, for practice?”

“Oh. Sure, do you want to go to the back room so it’s less noisy?”

I raised my brow. This is the perfect opportunity for a joke. I put on a shocked expression, “Yo dude chill, you gotta buy me dinner first.” I tried not to laugh at my own joke.

He cracked a smile and chuckled. Hell yeah dude! Mans got jokes!

I laughed with him, “Nah I’m joking bro, sure let’s go to the back.” I winked.

We walked in silence to the back room. There was a guitar on the table. He turned around and gestured for me to start.

“Ah okay, okay. I won’t keep you waiting. You're gonna love this one. Let me talk about why I was forced to break up with my ex.” I giggled in excitement.

“This better be good, kid.”

Trust me. You’re gonna laugh so hard you’ll throw up.

“So I was having dinner with my girlfriend’s parents. Normally, I don't get tied down by nobody, you know what I’m sayin’? But this chic had a huge rack, so when she asked me to meet her parents, I accidentally nodded. She thought I said yes, but in reality I was just following her badonkers with my eyes.”

He scoffed.

“Alright, so I was at the dinner, right? And this chick goes, ‘Daddy, can you pass the salt?’ So naturally, I reached out and grabbed the salt. Kinda baller, you know? I wanted to do it in front of her parents to assert my dominance like the true alpha I am.”

I paused to gauge his reaction. He smirked, knowingly. “Ayyyy, you know what I’m talkin’ about my guy. Give it here,” I held my fist out and he dabbed me up.

“So, I get the salt, right? And when I reached for it, her actual dad reached for it at the same time dude! We literally touched hands!”

His jaw dropped and began to laugh in shock, “No way! That’s so awkward bro,” he said in between laughs.

“Yeah, I know right! I’m glad you get it bro, so many snowflakes get butthurt at my fire jokes,” I dabbed him up again.

We continued to laugh together until the bald owner walked into the room. “John Doe, you’re up to perform.” He wiggled his eyebrows. I wanted to make a joke about how he had eyebrow hair yet no head hair, but John was still laughing at my other joke.

John wiped away his tears and grabbed his guitar.

“Are you up, man?” I guess the competition just started.

“Yeah, wish me luck…” He paused, and looked up questioningly. “Wait, I didn’t catch your name man.”

I pat him on the shoulder, “The name’s Jimothy, don’t you forget it.”