What I Needed

As I watched whatever light was in his eyes fade, his grip from my hand released. As he drifted off, he left with a small smile on his face. How could one die with such peace? Could Fae have died in the same way?

The ones which had died as I was experimenting on them did not die with such peace. Why was this? Why was their death any different from Hibiki’s? Isn’t death just all the same?

I had gone to collect the ring from his hand and as I went to do so, his hand had grabbed mine. At first, seeing the pain on his face, all I could do was keep holding his hand until he had passed along. This was the last thing I could do for the man who had kept me company the first time I had come to the Capital.

I pulled the ring from his finger and basked in its glow for a moment. Inspecting it, I noticed that it seemed to be as well kept as when I had first given it away. There was a bit more grime on the gold, but it could be easily removed. The jewel still shined as bright as when I had first received it.

Holding it close to me, I burst into sobbing. Its return had made me remember the cost it took for its creation in the first place. All the feelings of self loathing came rushing back to me like that time I had first found out. This time however, it felt far worse than before.

The voices reminded me of what I had done and how I turned my eyes away from the truth. But what else was I supposed to do! I could never have made it up to Fae if I didn’t find out how to use that technique. As the thought crossed my mind it caused my sobbing to come to a stop.

“I did this to make it up to Fae?” I wondered to myself. “But, didn’t I do this for everyone else’s sake? So why did I just think that?”

The realization of why I had taken these actions finally set in for me, as though they were moisturizers I had rubbed into my skin and was waiting for it to properly enter the pores. Even so, I know that Fae would never want something like that. She would never want me to do something like that. So how could that be the reason?

It’s just not possible. Everything I’ve done has been for everyone else. Such a selfish thought could never be the reason. It can’t be the reason! I began hitting my fist against the ground, trying to get rid of these falsities I was thinking of.

“No. No. No. No. No! It’s not the reason!” I spoke aloud as I finally began drawing blood from my knuckles.

As I saw the blood drip from my hand, I remembered that I still had not healed my eye or my back. My power was starting to come back to me and I could easily leave, but I wasn’t ready to go just yet. As I stayed on the floor on my knees I drooped my head a little, causing my white bangs to enter into my eye, blocking its vision.

I sat there quietly thinking about everything that had happened. I had killed Hibiki for this ring that I’m clutching so tightly to. The moonlight would have made it reflect so beautifully if only it was free from the tight grip I had on it. I had taken the life of someone who had once called me their friend.

They didn’t agree with my actions and snapped when they heard about what I had done. Is that what a friend does? Would Fae have done the same for me if she was here? Seriously, why did I do all of this? Why did I follow along so obediently? Why did I just take the words of the nobles and royals? What was the point of all of this if I ended up feeling like this in the end?

Even with all these questions, I still couldn’t think of a single answer to them. Instead, all that I had to hold onto inside of me was a feeling. The feeling tinged with pain and wouldn’t leave no matter what I did.

I thought about it more and more, but all I could think of was how I had hurt more people than helped. What was the point of learning healing magic after all I had done? If this stupid result was the end of all my work, then why did I try?

“DAMN IT!” I cried, hoping someone would respond.

After waiting there for a couple of minutes, the silence had started to become too loud. In the end, no one did respond to me. I hoped someone would, that someone could explain it all to me, that I hadn’t made these decisions on my own and that in some way I had been controlled.

But in the end I had no choice but to accept that all the choices I made were entirely my own. Even if I had been influenced, it would not matter. It was still my fault.

More of the roof collapsed next to me, causing me to snap out of my trance of thoughts. Remembering that satchel I had left earlier, I decided to go look for it. It was a hope I could still cling to. The place where I had left it was buried in the rubble.

Using my hands, I tugged at the rock, trying to move them aside. Some were light and some were heavy, but I couldn’t use magic at the risk of accidentally destroying my efforts. I pulled at the rocks, hoping I could find it in one piece.

As I kept removing the rocks, it seemed as though the pile was endless. With each rock I managed to pull out, two more were in the way. Even then I couldn’t give up. I needed this.

“It has to be here. It has to be here. It has to be here!” I repeated over and over in desperation.

I could make out the strap of my satchel. This caused me to try and work even faster. I had to see if it was in one piece. I needed to! I kept removing the debris until finally I had freed it.

Opening the satchel I saw as the book had still been intact. The satchel had protected it after everything that happened in this room. While the bag was tattered from everything, it had protected the item inside.

Putting the satchel on, I readied myself to leave the palace. My magic power had at least returned to me in a fair capacity. While I wouldn’t say I was fully restored, I could at least keep going now.

Something dripped from my face and onto the floor. The crimson colour had reminded me once again of the state of my eye, hand and back. I healed my hand, curing it of all its wounds and stopping the blood from it, after which I quickly removed the burns on my back from that last charge.

As I brought my index and middle finger to my eye to heal, the sight of Hibiki’s corpse made me stop. I slowly dropped my hand back to my side, deciding it may be best to avoid healing this injury. Instead I ripped a portion from the bottom of my dress and placed the temporary measure over my eye. I then wrapped the rest of the cloth around my head to make sure it would stay in place.

Pushing my bangs out of the restrained state they were in, I once again tightened the cloth to make sure it was adjusted for my head instead of my hair. I looked around, taking in the sight of the battlefield one last time. I looked around until I couldn’t bear to see the destruction of the room any longer.

With the image still in mind, I took off into the sky and made my way down to the main gate. The moon was still shining brightly but it was still far out of my reach. I could never reach the moon or the stars and the cloud had only been disappointing. I quickly burst through the clouds in my path and was able to make out the Capital on the other side.

There were fires lit about everywhere in the Capital. It was as though the whole city itself was burning down. I couldn’t make out any people from this height, but I wasn’t sure if I could even if I was closer. I increased my speed slightly to make my way down faster than I already was going.

As I approached the marble ground soaked in scarlet, I slowed my descent until I made a clean landing. I took a look at the castle once again. It had a little bit of damage done to it, but from here it was almost invisible to see. Compared to the city, it looked as though the palace could only watch the sight in front of it, unwavered by the chaos.

I hated the sight in front of me. It was one thing to see something so beautiful destroyed, but it was another to see the weapon which had caused all of this destruction standing still. It sickened me greatly. Raising both hands to the castle, I watched as a soft ruby glow emerged from my hands.

As if to contrast the soothing hue from my hand, a great inferno had lit in front of me. The castle had been wrapped in flame and lit up the Capital as though it was some massive bonfire. I pivoted away from it and walked through the gates, hoping I could find any salvation in the Capital.

There had to still be someone here. There has to be someone I can still heal. Someone I can still save. They have to be here. I couldn’t believe that this once gorgeous place which had bustled with life everyday would have become a ghost town.

“Hello!” I called out.

The noise only echoed around the collapsed homes. Someone has to respond to that. The way it echoed should make it easier for people to hear. Please! Somebody! Anybody!

“Hello! Can anyone hear me?” I cried out more desperately.

Someone had to be here. I needed to heal them. I needed to heal all of them. But as I walked around more and more, it only became more abundantly clear that there was only death here. Dried blood littered the remainder of the pathways. Limbs stuck out of the rubble, but when I went to go see if someone was still there, I could never find the rest of the body.

Some of the destruction here looked more than just done from flames and structural collapse. It looked as though some of the buildings were shredded to pieces, as if they were wood logs which had to be turned to chips. Where are they all?

After almost giving up on any wish I had still had to find anything, I saw a small girl with black hair. The black hair made me think of Hibiki. What should I do? Should I kill her? No, I can’t do that. I’m here to save people. Why would I kill them?

I quickly made my way over to the girl. The noise of my approach through all the crushed debris had caused her to quickly turn around and back up in fear. As she was backing away she tripped on the rubble, causing her to fall over.

The fear in her eyes was quite evident. She didn’t trust any person around. But after a sight like this, could I really blame her?

“It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you.” I got close enough to extend my hand to help her up.

“H-how do I know that?” She questioned.

“Well you don’t, but there’s nothing I can do to prove it either.”

Still being weary of me, she accepted my hand to help her up. As she tried to take a step back to get a little distance between us, her ankle started to buckle. Was that the reason she fell over then?

“Hold still.” I ordered her.

Obeying, she held perfectly still. Extending my hand to her, my hand once again emitted the soft glow of a grass colour as it began to wrap her in the same light. After two minutes she had been fully healed. This time wasn’t the fastest I had done it, but after all the magic I had used, it was better than nothing.

Amazed at the sight, she began testing out her injury to see if it had really gone away. She walked, ran, jumped, and skipped. This reaction caused flashes of memories to come back to me from when I had healed Hibiki all that time ago.

The memories which were once happy had caused my head to start ringing. The pain from the ringing only caused me to grab my head and crouch down in pain. Please go away. I don’t want to feel this.

“What’s wrong!” A concerned voice asked.

I looked up to see the girl which I had just helped staring at me. The worry she was showing caused me to quickly shake away the pain.

“It’s nothing.” I responded to her with a gentle voice.

While her face was showing she had not been convinced of my quick lie, she accepted it anyways. The silence between us after that moment was almost deafening. It had been quite an awkward sight.

“I’ll kill you!” A voice called out.

I looked over to where the noise was coming from. It was a man with the strange weapon again. I didn’t want to do this anymore. Why can’t they just leave me alone?

“Just stop. There’s no point in fighting anymore.” I tried to convince him.

“Everyone’s gotta die. There’s only corruption.” He ignored me.

Just like that he shot at me like all the others had before. He used the power of his earth crystal, causing his projectile to morph into a giant boulder.

“AAA!” The girl next to me screamed.

I had forgotten she was there but with her sudden cry it made it increasingly clear that the shot would also end up hitting the girl if I didn’t stop it. I wasn’t going to let that happen. This villain can’t be allowed to hurt more people.

With the tap of my foot, a pillar of flames emerged in the path of the rock. It melted it until there was nothing left, completely stopping the attack. I raised my hand, ready to shoot a spear of ice straight through the man who had tried to hurt the one I had saved.

Before I could fire, I saw the girl in my peripheral vision. It seemed she was shaking greatly. It caused me to remember that I no longer wanted to continue killing. I quickly stopped my intention to attack. Instead I summoned forth a gust of wind to blow him away.

After this had been done, I turned to the girl and petted her head to calm her down. Feeling this, her shaking had finally stopped and she was able to breathe easier once again.

“What’s your name?” I asked her.

“L-Luna.” She let out.

“I see, that’s a great name. My name is Celestia.”

“I-I see.” She spoke, calming down more.

As two shots fired at us, each imbued with magic, I repelled both with wind magic. I destroyed them and kept the dust and debris from touching us.

“Damn you! Just die!” One of the two called out loud.

Ignoring them, I kept speaking to Luna. “Would you like to leave with me?”

“Y-yes! Please take me with you.” She pleaded.

Accepting her words, I picked her up and took off into the sky. As we flew away from the ruined Capital, I made sure not to look back in its direction. I didn’t want to see its state anymore. I even made sure to block Luna’s vision of it.

With Luna I could do what Fae had done for me. I could follow in her footsteps. This was what she needed, er… no.

This is what I needed.