Go to Hell, for Heaven’s Sake

I spent the last few days of Golden Week in my bed again, unable to do anything. Saya’s image of that night is burned into my eyes and the words “this is all your fault Shiki” echo through my ears.

It's all my fault. My envy and jealousy got the best of me. My chances of ever getting to be in a relationship with her are probably gone. In fact, our friendship might be gone at this point. I only sabotaged her relationship with the first guy she ever liked and made her act insane in front of all her friends causing her to have a complete mental breakdown.

There must be a way to make things right again, I can't let our almost lifelong relationship be destroyed like this.

Dammit.

As school starts back up again I’m not surprised there is nobody waiting for me at the vending machines on the way to school or at the station. I even risk being late and wait past the usual time at the station for Saya but she never comes by. Not only that but she never even comes to school for the entire week.

After having a week filled with social interactions with other people, I'm immediately sent back to the days of being a loser with no friends. Even the small chats I used to have with Saya in the mornings are gone.

Touma is all I have now. Every night we still play video games like nothing ever happened. If he didn’t like me as much as he does, I probably would have just ghosted him by now. I can’t forget the night that he kissed me, no matter what that will always be a special moment in my life. I feel like I shouldn’t be talking to him anymore after what I did to Saya. But I simply can’t let it go.

I am happy being a girl for him and he is happy to be with a girl like me.

It’s Friday evening and instead of getting my usual message from Touma to play video games I receive something different.

Touma: I'm in the area and I want to see you for a bit.

Me: Of course, I really want to see you also!

Touma: I'll be by the station waiting, just meet me there when you are ready.

It's been almost a week without being in girl mode. I miss it so much. I feel like life is better when I'm a girl. And there is someone who loves this version of myself, who I'm excited to meet with soon. Since he might be already waiting around I rush to do some makeup and put on my clothes. I decide to wear the hoodie and shorts that Yuri gave me to wear the first time around.

I find myself walking as fast as I possibly can to see him. Guess you can say I am excited. I have been feeling extra lonely these past few days so that might explain my excitement. I want to feel the warm touch of his and be reached in his kindness even if it's for a small moment.

The moment I spot him, I run into him and put my arms around him burying my face in his chest.

“It’s been a long week, I missed you…” I say as I can’t help but smile.

He grins back at me and gently pulls me away from him.

“Not here Shinobu, let’s go somewhere quiet with fewer people around…”

We start walking away from the station and away from all the bustling of people.

“What were you doing around here?” I ask.

“I have a few friends who live around here, like Maika.”

“Oh...”

He pulls me into a small alleyway behind a small building.

“Shinobu. I’ve told you before that what I feel about you is special. You truly had me falling for you.”

He leans in to kiss me and I close my eyes ready for it as I was waiting for this since the last time it happened. Or so, that’s what I thought.

“You know, for a girl... you really don't have any boobs huh?”

I open my eyes and his face is directly in front of mine giving off a threatening aura.

“W-what do you mean?! Not all girls are lucky in that area you know!” I try to play off his suspicion.

“I spoke with Saya today… She told me everything.”

I misread the entire situation, or he tricked me out here. I try to slide to the left and create some distance between us. But his arms trap me against him and the wall stopping me from leaving in both directions. Maybe I can talk my way out of this, after all I talked my way into this mess.

“S-s-saya? I wouldn’t just believe anything that psycho says without letting me explain my side first!”

“Oh really? Well then there is something I can confirm on my own. Don’t run away Shiki...”

My stomach drops as he says my real name.

“Shiki who... who is that?” I nervously laugh.

He goes right for it and his hand makes contact with that part down low that most girls don’t have. Direct hit, let’s just say.

“That’s… Not supposed to be there is it?” His face becomes red with anger or embarrassment, I can’t really tell. Maybe it’s a mix of both.

“S-Surprise?” I say as I grimace.

“You played me… I can't believe it…”

“What you just felt doesn’t change anything, I mean you still like me right? All the fun times we had together, that was the real me!”

“Are you messed up in the head like Saya?! Do you not see the issue here?! You are a man dressed up as a girl!”

“I don’t know what you heard about me but it’s not what it seems like! I look like a girl, act like a girl, why am I not good enough?!”

*zinggg*

My ears ring as he throws a punch that connects directly with my cheek under my left eye.

I’ll take that as a no.

My vision is blurry and I can barely make out his face but he looks like he is not done with me. I really am in deep trouble now. Saya is bigger than me and it was scary when she became violent, but this guy is way bigger and stronger than her.

“Saya told me but I didn't believe her crazy ass! She says she will let everyone know I got with another dude! You think you can just mess with me like this!?”

“...”

“Sorry…”

“You think I'm fucking around?!”

He shoves me into the wall and punches me in the stomach. The wind gets knocked out of me causing me to gasp for air. I fall to my knees down to Touma’s legs, my stockings ripping on the concrete.

“You can’t just put your hands on me like this, I’m a girl.” I say under my breath.

“You're not a girl! Saya told me you did all this so you can be with her! Girls don’t date other girls!”

“Maybe I’m a lesbian…” I say to correct his flawed logic.

“Heh, think you are funny?”

I heard a slight laugh so yes.

He takes a step back to shake me off of him and brings his leg back to kick me. I try to block some of it with my arm but it still connects with my stomach forcing me to flop on the ground gasping for oxygen like a fish out of water.

He stands over me and watches me struggle to breathe without saying anything.

“You better not say anything about this to anyone... Not a single word of what we did or didn't do! If word gets out… I'm done…And you will be done too.” He says as he starts to walk away.

“Touma, I truly enjoyed my time with you…” I say while gasping for air.

He stops walking and responds to me without turning around.

“What you did was one of the worst things I've ever experienced.”

There was no anger in his voice when he said that.

He finally takes his leave and I stay on the floor in the alleyway as the pain from all the blows is starting to set in. I slowly get up from the ground and don’t even bother to dust myself off as any movement causes a horrible sharp pain in my side.

My stockings are ripped up and there is a hole in the sleeve of my sweater. I can’t even imagine what my face looks like but my eye feels like it's starting to swell. It would be embarrassing if anyone saw me like this. They would probably think I’m a domestic violence victim.

I limp my way back home as it's hard to walk straight. The multiple blows to the stomach make it hard to not slouch over. I should have never done any of this, stayed my ass on my computer and played video games without talking to anyone like usual. Why did I decide to have fun and chase a better life? I was having fun for a blip of a moment in my life. But now it's all gone.

I messed with Saya and she swiftly returned the favor. Guess if she couldn't have him then she wasn't going to simply let me have him for free. But as she told me last time, this is my fault, and she is not wrong.

She took the last thing I had away from me. I have nothing left. I’ve gotten everything I deserved now haven’t I. I’m at rock bottom, I don’t think it’s possible to get any worse than this...