Live up to your name

“Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive.” – Unknown

“Are you crazy? I’m not giving them back to you!”

“Mom! I need them, please!”

“Don’t even think about it! Have you looked in a mirror recently? You’re a walking mess.”

But she was a mess since the beginning. Her inside was always like this, why it’s so wrong now that her outside shows the truth?

*****

Dear Aiko,

It’s been sometime now and I haven’t written to you in a while. I still miss you every day. How have you been? How do you like it there? Does everyone treat you nicely? Don’t forget that violence is never the answer, but no one will say something if you do an exception. Bully the bullies if you have to, ok?

I am again in trouble. My pills were taken away too soon. I don’t think I can fulfill your last wish…I’m sorry! I went to House of Cupid again and asked around for doctor Chiba, but he vanished. Not to mention that everyone looked at me like I was some crazy person. No one, not even a single soul, remembered something about his existence. It was like he never worked there…I tried finding the pills, but again, no success. I don’t know where to go anymore or what to do.

I will be honest; I have a feeling that Haru got involved in some shit he is not supposed to. I’m afraid! No, I’m terrified at the thought of him getting harmed. All his stupid ideas about goals and stuff started from me. I dragged him with me on this damn path of “hope”. Can you believe it?

I’ve met these two wonderful people, Hoshi and Meiko. You would love them! They entrusted their lives to Haru. They also fell for this desire to change the world.

I’m not sure about the consequences of wanting more than you can handle, but it’s going to end in a bad manner.

Is it worth it? No.

But there is something that pushes them to live the same way I do. Maybe is the desire for freedom or the need for a rebellion that leads their mind insane.

How incredible they must feel to have a strong purpose! I envy them, I’m not going to lie. But at the same time, I find it stupid. I’m sure that at the end of the day, the thought of being a hero satisfies them and feeds their ego. For real now, who wouldn’t like the idea of being in the center of attention?

It’s been a while since I first traveled in that world and I have to admit it, I wanted to be a part of it. There, people put a different price on time. Every second could be their last so they try to enjoy it, but their society makes it difficult for them. They are both lucky and unlucky.

Should I tell you why? I’m sorry if I bored you, but you are the only one with whom I can talk.

They are luckier than we will ever be. People there understand life best, they cherish every feeling they encounter. They know the secrets for that happy ever after.

Now you may wonder why are they so miserable if what I said earlier is true.

They are miserable because of their misfortune. Their world has the potential, but not the right surroundings, while our world has what it needs, but lacks the potential. Who would have ever thought that controlling someone's emotions will become a way of ruling?

That’s what I like to call pathetic. Do you understand the power humans hold in their hearts and minds that made the government take action? They must be scared now because of the little event in the factory. I hope their worst nightmare will come true and see how everything they built will collapse!

Sadly, this won’t happen so soon. I regret a lot of things but we have to trust the process.

Aiko, can I be a little selfish? Can I make this about myself for a little?

“Live to your name.” Do you remember who used to say this to me? If you guessed Ichiro then you are right.

“Kibo means hope.” He said before going to sleep. It was his way of saying ‘goodnight’. “Kibo means hope.” He said before every exam. “Kibo means hope.” He said one day before he died.

It used to annoy me. He never got tired of saying the same things again and again. I concluded that he was telling me one of her wishes. He wanted me to live up to my name. He considered me a piece of hope in his life. As the naïve child that I was back in the days, I believed him.

Starting with his death, continuing with the hell I lived for a very long time, and ending with your death, have you seen any hope? Because I didn’t. I cried and swore. I smoked and drank. I lied and I hid behind some excuses.

Do you think my brother was disappointed by my actions? He has all the rights to be, I don’t complain about it. I want him to give me a second chance if he gave up on me. What hurts the most is the fact that no matter how I behave, he is always there to keep my lone soul company. I can feel from time to time how my heart tightens and it’s almost like an embrace.

After he left this world, I had you to watch over me. You always put me first and I hated that. You were the one who deserved the best of the best and yet you got stuck with me instead.

My problems at home started not long after, but you still protected me. I owe you so much that one lifetime is not enough to repay your kindness. After you also left, the hell at my home was dismissed. So only recently I realized that the people around me hoped every moment for those better days. I don’t know what I was doing when you all fought so much, but now it’s my turn to do the same.

In the end, I was ashamed of my selfishness and my name. Maybe that’s why I presented myself as you in front of Haru. I could have told him from the beginning my name, but it didn’t feel right. What if I also disappointed him?

I always thought the name Maboroshi suited me. I was a phantom in both worlds, appearing only I felt prepared and then hiding in my comfort zone. Do you remember what you said when I told you this?

“As other names, Maboroshi doesn’t mean only one thing. I did my research and I found the right word for you, girl! From now on your surname means dream. You are the hope that everyone dreams of, my dear!”

If only I had one more chance to prove that I am the hope everyone dreams of… Your last wish allowed me to live up to my name, but I missed it again. I’m sorry!

But if somehow I will see Haru one more time, I would tell him my true name and I will make sure he has the ending he desires.

You wanted me to find a girl for him, right? What do you think of me? What if I want to be that girl? I know we can’t be together, but doesn’t this make the situation more interesting? At first, we will both suffer, but this will only carve a deeper place in each other hearts. The empty we feel, the better. This is our only way of remembering the one we love. Wounds feel themselves in time, but scars remain for life. I’m fine even if he remembers just my name or my eyes or the flower I like the most.

This is fate! I think destiny wants us to meet through you, Aiko. We can say you are a successful matchmaker. I’m sure you are a loved angel wherever you are… You are too perfect for others not to like you. Can you use this advantage of yours to help me one more time? I’m begging you, show me the right path for me.

Usually, I would end this letter by saying “Until the next time”, but there won’t be the next time. I’m ready to open myself for changes. I feel like the past doesn’t hold me back anymore and you don’t have to worry about me so much. I am ready to accept the process of growing up and face my fears without hiding.

I will make you proud, Aiko! Just wait and see! I will always hold you dear to my heart, so when the right time comes, let’s see each other again! Take care, sweet friend!

                                                                                                                                           With love,

                                                                                                                                                       Kibo

*****