Chapter 1:

The Rays of Justice Shine Brightly

Apocalypse K.O.N.G.


Hello, everyone! This is your weekly e-hologram gardening show host, BAYAHS’EDOTH. How did you all do this week? Winding down from your happiness? Here at THE ABYSS Corporation, we hope you will have a nice weekend! It’s currently 8:00 AM. Today, we’re going to learn how to raise a budget SAMMON MONK#I. It’s easy! So easy, even a bio-flesh harvesting repository could do it. So, shall we start?Bookmark here

First, you must FEED Y@OUR MOTHER CAUSTIC SO$%DA. Now, that is not something most of you will have lying around, but you can find it in stock in pretty much any hive! Just use your e-credits to buy it. This program is sponsored by Beeline Supplies. Traveling, ordering, living… Have you ever wondered if there could be an easier way? What would happen if a visionary business combined logistical infrastructure, real estate and militarized patrolling of wormhole frequencies? Beeline Supplies is the only one to offer you cheap shipping through its innovative hive-home design.Bookmark here

Well, well! Nothing like e-shopping on a weekend, just in time for that moment when your points are going to expire! If you are underage, mentally incapacitated or *bleep* so as to not have access to a weekly assessment, please apply for a loan instead. This program is sponsored by Helping Hand. Because loans should be for everyone! Helping Hand offers low monthly rates of 60%** with your hands or feet as collateral, or special rates of up to 20%*** * with your brain or children instead.Bookmark here

Now, what you want to make sure you do correctly for it to start sprouting is GATHER THE HIPPOCAMPI OF ENSLAVED HUM!ANS. The DUM-DUM NIM.COMPOOP ones work best. Make sure you place that within a properly sized jar, or it will BECOM GORILLA instead. Bookmark here

Once that’s been done, you’ll need to compress it a little bit, preferably with BI-O-BANANA. Make sure all that moisture is down at the bottom with the earth! Then, just wait, and it will grow. After a while, you should move it into a larger vessel, like UR MOM so that it can be ready to become a fully-fledged little living being!Bookmark here

But… there’s one more thing! Once you’re done, be careful! Don’t forget the devil is in the GAMER. Your little MONKI is a little more sensitive than other types, and won’t grow unless it’s exposed to just the right rate of daily moisturization by FIDDLE-WIDGET ENTERT(R%#*( &#$%()@*%Bookmark here

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From a hole an invasion reconnaissance probe would size at roughly the same ballpark as a class-A planet eater’s world-discarding anal sphincter rose up a shadowy creature, seemingly unfazed by the devout rejoicing of the ur-shamans in that gloomy glowstick-lit room, as they chanted their forbidden neo-cryptographic techno-arcana from elite sawtooth-based voice-unit synthesizers. “Muriel!” exclaimed the hydra-shaped, 7-headed heap of guts, facing three of its appendages towards the enigmatic one they would call M.O.M. flying in circles atop the crowd. “What happened to the skinning unit?”Bookmark here

She, though in some ways that was more of an “it”, floated down from that domed chapel ceiling to the plated floor, landing on her feet. Genuflecting and facing the ascended demigod which they worshipped, “Supreme Leader Seraphim ‘Cherubim’ Apocalypse, Immortal Heir of the Interdimensional Bio-Flesh Goods Trade,” she trembled, fearing for what would happen to her artificially extended lifespan after what would come next. “It pains me to inform you that it was destroyed… by the ones known as ‘Al-G*merrah’.”Bookmark here

“AL-G*MERRAH?” they all rumbled in unison. The disappointment was soon felt across the room, for all of them realized they couldn’t do anything about those flesh-beasts. Their headquarters were built by ancient materials of unfathomable power. Lost artifacts, once known by their former brand name of “G*me Kid”. Back in the bio-flesh days, those things were said to be so sturdy they could survive even so-called “nuclear bombs”. They’d never imagine it then that, however old they might be, fortifications built with the genuine article would also be able to easily withstand a non-Euclidean assault from any possible or impossible dimension unknown to bio-man. Bookmark here

As M.O.M. had her brain turned to mush by the weight of her anxiety, as well as that of the psychokinetic flare that hit her from behind coming from the glassed eyes of one formerly known as Eustace, the wielder of that ability was ready to take action. “’Al-G*merrah has gone too far. Their M.I.D.A.S. envoy, whom I have secretly kidnapped as a baby, is about to realize his destiny, and therefore,” he boldly proclaimed, “we must delay it no more! El-Shaddai must be unleashed once again, my brothers!”Bookmark here

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El Shaddai is the strongest King. Bookmark here

You know that because of his name.Bookmark here

But wherever there’s a kink.Bookmark here

There’s always some shame.Bookmark here

Deulistophenes, 3013 AD (Foreshadowing the Death of God, Chapter 10)Bookmark here

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“Mariko! Mariko!”Bookmark here

Who’s El Shaddai? Where did he come from? Why do we need any other Kings when he’s around to solve everything? That’s something our secret club at Gaia Academy has been trying to find out. That’s me, Renbel, and my best friend, Mariko. Every Sunday, when the ur-guards are off to the sacrificial rite, we meet up in the spirit training room to go and investigate all sorts of mysteries.Bookmark here

Only that time, she wasn’t there…Bookmark here

I had the nanobots look for her everywhere! The prince classrooms, the pressurized pods, the augmentation room, even the hyperbaric mock-combat pseudo-volcano. She wasn’t anywhere! Not her body, not her nanos, not even the wonderful residual fragrance of her pheromone-infused mechano-lilies.Bookmark here

I tried using the satellites. The surveillance cameras. That which we call the Beeline “One with the Earth” technology, patented for longer than even Supreme Leader Cherubim’s lifespan. Nothing. Not even the deep learning prediction model of the ultimate oracle machine which we were only allowed to burden with requests once a month (“B.A.A.L.”) could come up with an answer. I was desperate. There was only one thing left to try.Bookmark here

When I went off to look for her myself, meaning with my own extremely conventionally attractive slender robo-body, I expected to find the worst. But… by worst, I mean I expected to find her dead, not with a monkey!Bookmark here

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