Chapter 5:
Memories of Warmth
The door opened ever so slightly, like pausing to ensure that the subtle creak didn’t alert anyone. But then, the crack edged open until a dim light cast a shadow into the room. The shape of a head bobbed forward, and soon, disappeared into the darkness of the room.
Eyeing a small hand poking out from the covers, I reached out and gently stroked it, before letting the warmth sink into my own. With hushed breath, I knelt down and placed my head upon the side of the bed, letting that little connection bring comfort to my mind.
It was the middle of the night, as indicated by the soft, rhythmic snores coming from Devin. Lately, this had become a ritual, one done in secret. But nonetheless, it felt necessary no matter how much the guilt weighed upon me.
A year and change after we had started home school, we began to grow more distant. Eyes that no longer sparkled with joy whenever I came into the room, feet that hesitated before walking towards me, and hands that gently pushed me away whenever I reached in for a hug – Devin’s emotions felt like a remnant of the absolute adoration he had when younger.
Like he cared only if I would give him everything he wanted. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
He couldn’t have the freedom to go outside whenever he wanted. He couldn’t have friends to play with, to giggle around, to feel somewhat on the same level… Mommy was just Mommy, the one that wouldn’t let him have anything. The one he had to listen to… or else. My threats clashed with his sense of adventure, only held together by sweet favors and an unwilling sense to be left behind.
When I thought about whether he would have been happier if he had normal parents, it made me jealous. Dreams of all the things he missed due to our unique situation made me feel inadequate. I started to doubt everything that I had done. All for his sake… no, all for my sake.
None of this could be blamed on Devin. It was Mommy’s greediness, her sadness, her pain that was at fault. Mommy didn’t want to believe in a broken society, one that took away everything that I had. That was why we were staying away. So that no one could hurt us anymore…
Of course, Devin was too young to understand that. And even if he did, it wasn’t his burden to shoulder. What he knew was the small world within these walls and from the seat of the car. And glimpses of pseudo-reality from his bookshelf. Because if he were to venture forth into the real world, then surely, his entire livelihood would be shattered.
The illusion of a happy life, of warmth, of love, those would all disappear, and we would never be the same again.
And so, I clutched his tiny hand as he slept and cried. Wordlessly, so that he wouldn’t stir. That little bit of warmth drove away the painful memories and aggressive doubts.
I reached down to my navel, sore and tender from incessant scratching. Red and puffy around the scar that wouldn’t go away.
I rocked my body, recalling those simpler times, when all he did was simply snuggle against my chest. Everything he needed was right next to him, and he thought about nothing more.
How I wished that I could go back, to a time when Devin couldn’t ask questions, couldn’t reject my touch… and when couldn’t doubt my love for him.
Only when asleep, those times were the same… that was why I came every night. To remember. To remember just how precious those times were.
Because soon enough… they would end.
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