Chapter 14 - Witches

Snake glided into the Red Light District riding her axe guitar. She'd lost track of Pussy during the chase, but she must have been around here somewhere. The area was a cul-de-sac of Victorian apartments covered in large windows, through which prostitutes could be seen posing in lingerie. There were curvaceous succubi, muscular incubi, and a variety of nubile monster girls: lamia girls, harpy girls, and even centaur girls. Snake grimaced. As a Professor of Transmutation at the Mages Guild University, seeing these girls throwing away their lives when any one of them could have made for first-rate witches was sickening.

The civilians wandering the street began to holler and wolf whistle up at her. Obviously, the sight of a gothy snake woman riding a flying axe guitar was too much for their pea-sized brains to handle. Snake flicked out her forked tongue to taste the air, hoping to catch a whiff of Pussy's honey-scented perfume. The area stank of liquor and marijuana.

She winced. 'Degenerates.'

A tentacle shot out from a back alley.

It smacked Snake on the chin and knocked her off her axe guitar.

She fell to the street below but twisted in the air and landed on her hands and feet like a cat.

Pussy sauntered out of the darkness of the back alley, hips swaying. Snake hadn't seen her former friend since they'd attended Frogwart's School of Wizardry and Witchcraft together when they were teenagers, but she was still taken aback by how much she'd matured. Pussy had always been beautiful, but now, she was irresistible. She was a tentacle monster girl, with dark green tentacle hair, light green skin, and the face of an angel. She was wearing a white shirt tied at the waist and tartan miniskirt which complimented her full breasts, slim waist, and ample buttocks. For a moment, Snake was bewitched.

Pussy gave a smile which didn't meet her eyes. 'Hello, Snake! Haven't seen you in a while! Taken up the world's oldest profession, have we?! How's tricks?!'

Snake scowled, the spell broken. 'I'd be better if I were back in class and not dealing with a terrorist attack right now.'

'Weeell, that's your fault for joining the Mages Guild and the Adventurers Guild, isn't it? You always were an overachieving Little Goody Two-Shoes.'

'Are you going to tell me why you joined the League of Monsters, or am I going to have to beat it out of you?'

'Ooh, kinky. Honestly, I just got tired of doing porn on Pluto. There's only so many ways you can fuck an eldritch abomination before you either get bored or go mad. I've travelled the worlds, met interesting people, and had sex with them. Been there, done that. Sooo, I figured I'd try something a little different a few years back; I decided to join the League of Monsters, go on adventures, search the Multiverse for the Ancient Unmentionables. It's been fun!'

Snake sighed. The Ancient Unmentionables were, according to legend, three pieces of lingerie that had belonged to three Sex Gods: the Bra of Aphrodite, the Panties of Pan, and the Leggings of Lilith. When worn together, these items would apparently turn the wearer into a Sex God themselves. It was a ridiculous fairy tale, but one widely believed in the Sex Workers Guild which Pussy belonged to, mainly because their patron deity Penis Flytrap had allegedly found the Ancient Unmentionables as an Overlord and ascended to godhood herself.

Snake shook her head. 'This is an utter waste of the healing magic you were taught at Frogwart's, Pussy. We all had such high hopes for you.'

Pussy's face turned demonic. 'THAT'S RICH COMING FROM THE BITCH WHOSE LIFE GOAL IS FINDING THE FUCKING PHILOSOPHER'S STONE! AND FUCK YOU ANYWAY! I'M A GROWN WOMAN! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!'

She shot all of her tentacle hair at Snake. Snake quickly stretched her arm upwards, grabbed her axe guitar from out of the air, and slashed down through the tentacles. Pussy's hair grew back instantly.

A rapid melee ensued between them, both of them circling around each other looking for weak spots.

A red-faced halfling pointed at them. 'Hey, look, lads! A cat fight!'

Drunk, high, and stupid, everyone crowded around to watch.

These idiots! thought Snake. They don't even know they're in danger!

She couldn't keep using her axe guitar for fear of hurting someone. Unequipping the weapon, she rolled under Pussy's next volley of tentacles and unleashed a barrage of limb stretching kung fu strikes. Pussy was knocked back into the crowd, but she quickly recovered and wrapped one of her tentacles around the neck of a succubus prostitute.

'Ah, ah, ah!' Pussy pointed at the succubus. 'Not another move! I've got a hostage!' She backed up towards the brothel at the end of the cul-de-sac. 'I'll be issuing my demands in five minutes!' She entered the brothel with the succubus and slammed the door shut.

'Damn it!' said Snake.

Hostage situations were the worst. What's more, the building Pussy had hunkered down in was the Brothel Baroque, the most high-class and well-defended brothel in Babel. It was virtually invulnerable to magical, high tech, and alien attacks thanks to the magic ward surrounding it.

Snake called the Adventurers Guild and the United Worlds Peacekeepers through her system. 'I've got a hostage situation inside the Brothel Baroque, and I need backup ASAP! Prepare for a siege!'

Two Dungeon Gates in the form of giant castle doors appeared at the mouth to the cul-de-sac. Two armies stepped through, one composed of Adventurers and the other composed of United Worlds Peacekeepers. The armies quickly cleared the streets of civilians and the surrounding brothels of prostitutes until only the Brothel Baroque was left inhabited.

From out of the Dungeon Gates, the Adventurers brought in a woolly rhino, the Imperial Knights brought in a war elephant, the Corporate Samurai brought in a siege mecha, and the Republican Marines brought in a hover tank.

Snake shook her head. 'No, no, no! None of this is going to work! Stand by!'

Looking through the crowd, she spotted an Imperial Knight Captain riding a Nemean lion, a Corporate Samurai Kashira riding a cyborg horse, and a Republican Marine Sergeant riding a Venusian Cactus Mount.

Snake pointed at them. 'You three! Bring your mounts here! I need to borrow them for a second!'

The United Worlds Peacekeepers came over and dismounted.

Snake equipped the Right Hand of Nyarlathotep, a glove made out of the right hand of a Great Old One she'd beat at French Tarot. She pointed at the Nemean lion, the cyborg horse, and the Venusian Cactus Mount with her index, middle, and ring fingers and snapped them together. The mounts combined into a cyborg cactus lion.

She shrugged. 'Not my prettiest creation, but it'll do.'

Snake mounted the cyborg cactus lion's saddle, rode towards the Brothel Baroque, and with a pull of her reins, slashed the door apart with its claws. The infamous sorceress madam's magic ward could fend off magical, high tech, and alien attacks, but not all three from the same being. Flicking out her forked tongue, Snake caught a whiff of Pussy's honey-scented perfume. She hunted her down through the luxurious, red halls, dodging shrieking monster girls left and right, until she came to a door to one of the showcase rooms. Inside, she found Pussy—naked in bed with her succubus hostage.

Snake slapped her forehead. 'Oh, for god's sake, Pussy!'

Pussy dismounted the succubus. 'Do you mind?! I'm in the middle of something here! I said give me five minutes!'

'Unbelievable.' Snake got off her cyborg cactus lion and gave the succubus a dirty look. 'And you are reprehensible.'

The succubus giggled. 'What can I say? Danger is sexy.'

Snake ran her hand down her face. Tentacle monster girls, like succubi, were born nymphomaniacs. Most were doomed to a life of endless casual sex without ever achieving anything, acting like starving men whose appetites could never be sated. Pussy had been different once. Having been abandoned by her mother on Earth, she she had managed to control her urges through sheer will and enrolled into Frogwart's in hopes of becoming a healer. She had wanted to look after injured children the way she hadn't been looked after on Earth. To everyone's surprise, she had turned out to be a prodigy in healing magic. Then the incident had occurred.

Snake looked at Pussy with renewed sympathy.

Pussy narrowed her eyes. 'Don't you give me that pitying look, you bitch.' She stood up on the bed, naked and sparking blue mana. 'I'm powered up from the afterglow now. Try that kung fu shit again, and I'll knock your god damn teeth out.'

Snake frowned. 'Pussy....'

A wave of immense magical energy washed over them both. It was paralysing. Snake was suddenly filled with icy dread, like a mouse caught under a cat's paw.

A deep, feminine German accent came in from the doorway. 'What are you two Fräuleins doing?'

It was a little, blonde cat girl wearing a tattered, black dress.

Grimalkin.

The Sorceress Supreme.

This was the infamous sorceress madam of the Brothel Baroque, the Professor of Black Magic at the Mages Guild University—and a Solomonar of the Scholomance, the greatest magic school in the Multiverse.

The intensity of her magical energy brought Snake and Pussy to their knees. The succubus and the cyborg cactus lion feinted from the pressure.

Grimalkin's eyes were black holes. 'Whatever squabble you two have, be it personal or political, it has no place here. This building is under my protection, and as such, it is off limits to outside disputes. Do you understand?'

Snake was sweating. 'Y-yes, ma'am. S-sorry, ma'am.'

Pussy nodded energetically. 'Y-yeah! S-same here!'

Grimalkin eased her magical energy. 'Good.'

After a moment, Snake and Pussy stood up.

Grimalkin looked Pussy over. 'It would seem you are a wanted woman. Pay your fee and go away.'

Tears leaked from Pussy's eyes. She grabbed her clothes off the floor with her tentacle hair, threw a shower of dollar bills onto the bed, and sucker punched Snake in the gut. Snake fell to her knees, gasping for air. Pussy propelled herself through the window using her tentacle hair.

After a few deep breaths, Snake regained control of herself and stood up. She watched as Pussy propelled herself from rooftop to rooftop, too fast for the Adventurers and United Worlds Peacekeepers to catch her.

Pussy had had a boyfriend at Frogwart's. She'd been ecstatic to be in a monogamous, non-sexual relationship. She'd had big plans: marriage, house, kids, the works. The boyfriend and Snake had gotten drunk one night waiting for Pussy to return from class. They had ended up sleeping together. Pussy had found them in bed mid-coitus. She'd dropped out of Frogwart's the next day.

Grimalkin stared at Snake. 'Are you going to go after her?'

Snake nodded. 'Yeah.... She's my friend...and my responsibility.'