Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks, to Keep Up with Modern Warfare -- (6th_Job)

Happy New Year 2019, Honeyfeeders!
Don't get too drunk on Honey and Mead [^v^]v
~~GREENFLAME000
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:: Dear Diary..... Now that I am a full-fledged Adventurer, I need to acquire a job. The guild has many offers for me to choose from, conveniently organized by level of difficulty, but I don’t know which one to pick. Also. I hope to get enough money to support my room and board in this city. The prices for just one night is ridiculously expensive. Even if I do seven small jobs that could raise up three digits worth of gold, sleeping on a warm bed for 12 hours without a bathtub included will bankrupt me. So I decided to take the challenge of acquiring a higher level request. Don’t worry, I have Nello to give me backup. Everything is alright in the world!! ::

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“Okay Nello. This is the place. Keep your head down and don’t let the enemy spot you.”

“Um…Big Sis…I can’t really duck any further down…My body is like this and my neck is only able to turn in around in a full 360 degrees.”

"Th-then just keep quiet and follow me, okay?"

"Y-yes, Big Sis."

Pastrache pouted as she buried herself in behind some hedges. She could be found, or presumed to be found, at the edge of a dense forest that was overlooking a large meadow and a mountain about some yards away.

The gap from her position to the mountain base wasn’t far. Either a simple 8 minute sprint of brisk 15 minute stroll was enough for her to close that gap. However, she decided to wade through the forest, using whatever cover she could touch to keep herself hidden in the forest.

Now, she wasn’t a Rogue class mind you. 

Her power level wasn’t high enough for her to start a Class System, not yet. However growing up as a Half-Breed had its perks in being raised in an environment where she constantly had to hide from the local bullies or Elf-haters. Of course that also came with some emotional baggage caused by a distorted childhood, but we will get to the counselling some other day.

"...BICHUU! D-did you say something about me Nello?"

"........Nyet?"
(No?)

Fear not, Feeders of Drunk Honey. If there were times where Pastrache would run out of cover to get a better view of the battlefield she was about to enter, there were no problems. 

She had a 26.5 ton friend crawling on his tracks right behind her.

“Alright Nello, walk over there, slowly. Not too loud or your rumbling will bounce off the mountain side and make an echo.”

“B-Big Sis, it’s super difficult to move without making my motor roar like that. Th-that’s just how I was built. I-I mean, the German Tanks are super quiet b-but not me. Also, I-I think I scared away that poor rabbit from it's hole. I feel very bad.”

“Ssssh. Just, just move up and give me cover.”

“Y-yes. Big Sis. Sniff. Sorry Mr. Snuffleupagus.”

Pastrache the Half-Elf girl kept her body stuck to the side of her companion, the T-34 Soviet Medium Tank she called Nello. The vehicle moved on its caterpillar tracks across a gap of land that had no bushes, trees, or boulders to hide behind. Due to his size, the Half-Elf would uses his heavy body as a form of moving cover.

Like an action hero moving alongside a car from enemy fire. (#HollywoodPhysics)

Once they crossed the exposure and into the other side of the forest, they took a quiet position that looked over the meadow and the mountain face.

“Yes, I can see it. The cave where the Level 12 Orc Raiding party is hiding in. There is no way you can miss the bones and the rotting bodies of previous adventurers piled at the front door like garbage waiting to be picked up."

“B-big Sis, this is too scary. We should go back and choose another job. I-I know I’m big, B-but I can still help you search for lost chickens! I-I mean, I can cut them off if they try to escape!”

“No, no, Nello. You would end up crushing our objectives under your tracks. The last thing I want is an angry chicken farmer who watches the ‘sons and daughters’ he spent years in raising stuck under your feet like regular road kill.”

“Ew! Big Sis! Th-that’s disgusting. A-and don’t make me sound like some monster that likes to stomp on things like ants…Oh my god! D-did I just step on one!?”

“No. But you killed a cockroach before it could climb up my leg so you did me a favor. Thank you Nello, for saving my maidenly pride.”

“Gaaaah! I-I’m a terrible persooooooon!”

The Soviet Tank suddenly whipped up its cannon barrel in dismay, before waving it around in the air and knocking it back and forth across tree branches in despair. It really was unhappy that it squished a small insect under its 900+ pound tracks.

“SSSSSSH! NELLO! S-STOP THRASHING! STOP THRASHING! TH-THE ENEMY WILL HEAR US! AND THEY’RE ALL LEVEL 10+ CREATURES!”

“B-Big Sis! I-if they’re that dangerous, th-then why did you take the job in the first place!?”

“It’s really a simple solution solved by basic mathematics, Nello. If I take on this job and accomplish it, not only do I receive the hefty reward price but I get an extra bonus of gold coins for challenging a mission that is several levels above my own. Also, defeating things that are higher level than yourself would surely make my experience points soar through the roof!”

“B-Big Sis. I-I’m not good with math. I only know about leading my shot in front of an enemy tank when they are moving, or angle of elevation and range to target. Nothing else! S-so I really don’t understand what you’re trying to do.”

“Fear not, Nello. All I have to do is use stealth and creep up behind the enemy, and shoot them with my crossbow. I should be able to bring down one or two orcs if I get a clean headshot. Then, if they try and chase after me, I could run away. And then.”

“And then?”

“You can stomp on them all you want!~♪”

“H-heh? Wh-why is Big Sis excited about killing orcs!? A-and your voice sounds so p-pretty when you think about me crushing them under my feet. I-I’m scared. I’m really scared, Big Sis!!”

“Don’t worry, Nello. If this goes all according to plan, we’ll make a fortune! Why, I might be able to save up enough of our mission money to buy us a house! And I will make a giant stable for you to sleep in! Also, I will built a palm tree fan for you to keep you nice and cool during the summer seasons!”

“Oh! A big house with my own bedroom!? And palm tree fans!? I-I like that Big Sis! I don't know what's a palm tree, b-but I really want to see my future bedroom!”

“Then let’s do our best!”

“Dah! Dah!”
(Yes! Yes!)

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>>   ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!!
>> ~For Scores and Seven Years Ago~
>>   'You made a stellar speech that riled up the natives' will to fight. Go, go, Patriot!'
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Pastrache smiled at the mystical screen that popped up in front of her. Among most of the notifications that would often make her frown, this was the one rare time it made her feel like she deserved this accomplishment.

Not to mention, she was just as eager to get the show on the road seeing how excited the T-34 Soviet Tank was in waving his barrel up and down. Like a child being told they're going to Mickeyland!

An evil grin could be seen on her lovely face.

“Alright Nello. Stay here. I’m going on in, and when I give the signal, you will charge out into the open! When you do, wave your hands - er, nose around and make lots of wild noises! Once they get spooked by how big you are, we can—”

“REEEEEE-LOADING!"

"G-geh!? Not so loud! They're going to hear us!"

"Acquiring target! Distance is 120 meters. Adjusting angle of main gun for maximum armor penetration!”

“…….H-huh? Nello? What are you doing?”

The half-Elf girl stared at her large friend in confusion. She even had to tilt her head to make sure she didn’t miss any minor detail that her first glimpse had overlooked. 

If this was a compare and contrast game, she would have failed, or she was staring at identical portraits. It’s most likely the former but no need to openly tell her that.

From the moment they ended their conversation to this point in time, she noticed how much noise the Soviet Tank was starting to make. It wasn't moving, but it did straighten out its turret head as it aimed the barrel of the gun directly at the opening of the cave ahead of them. As more noises of gears spinning and mechanical arms squeaking gas from their hydraulics, the tip of the cannon would often adjust going up or down by inches until it was just right.

“Hey, N-Nello. Wh-why are you making that clunking sound in your belly? And that nose, wh-why is it staring at the entrance of the cave?”

"Crosswind is 15 km/h from North-East, North-North, re-adjust firing vector. Stabilizing main gun. Locking in firing solution into circuit board!"

"N-Nello? C-can you hear me!? Wh-why are you so serious all of a sudden!?"

The Cave Mouth at the base of the mountain was large. 

It was enough for even an Ogre to walk in, although with the sharp roof it had to duck its head inside as if entering a ramen parlour. The cave was guarded by a single soul, a small Goblin with a bow and wooden arrows on its lap.

Like any diligent guard working on a basic salary, it was fast asleep with its feet kicked up on a human skull. 

Although anyone could enter inside the pitch black caves, there were a series of strings with hanging bone pieces that was meant to rattle should an intruder step on the wire. Obviously, once the tenants inside of the ant-colony like catacombs hear the warning bell, they will rush out and beat the sh*t out of the intruder, before stripping him (mostly a her) naked, do some stuff (mostly a him), and then mug them of their belongings.

It was a simple plan for simple creatures.

“Armor piercing round is loaded into the chamber. Battery is set and armed.”

“W-wait. Nello! Stop! I-I said I’ll go in quietly and snipe them from afar. Th-there’s no need for you to charge in and attack with your nose like a jousting knight! Even if you carry all that armor on your body, th-they’re still going to swarm you!”

“Final bearing adjustment complete. Main gun is running hot. Repeat, main gun is running hot. Recoil Braces check-ok! Preparing to engage the target!

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, NELLO!? NELLO!? NELLOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Maybe it was because the engine inside of the T-34 Medium Tank was getting really excited. The more the tank focused with its barrel with the same mindset as a professional sniper, the more the noises drowned out the Half-Elf Girl’s screaming.

Due to the increase in excess volume, the noises started to bounce off the side of the mountain and intensified in frequency.

The Goblin sentry snapped awake with a groan.

“NELL—“

“ATAKA!”

*BTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCKxC9RUkak)

“NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Pastrache let out the scream of all screams in the world, but sadly it was drowned out by the howling of Nello’s main cannon launching a 76.2 x 385 mm high velocity armor-piercing round at a muzzle velocity of 680 m/s.

It instantly cut through the air and dove into the black cave. It didn’t even ‘sailed’ it just left the cannon and it was already flying deep into the heart of the black catacombs.

It confused the Goblin as to what happened. Wanting to get a better look of what went inside of the cave, it flopped off its seat to peek inside.

*BAKA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Only for a flood of incendiary explosion to billow out from the black depths and swallow the curious little goblin whole. 

Not even its bones were left. It turned into dust and was blown away by the heavy heat wave that followed from the insides of the cave.

“……………………………………………Ah.”

Pastrache had clapped her hands onto her long and knife-pointed ears. She had super sensitive hearing, so even if she did shield them from the blast, she was going to be temporarily deaf until tomorrow morning. She could hear nothing but ringing as she stumbled, the fluid in her auditory canal suddenly becoming distorted.

Her knees were shaking, from the recoil of the shot that was transferred from the nose of the cannon, into Nello’s body, and then scattered into the earth through its tracks.

All she could see, was this thick black smoke vomiting out from the burning mouth of the cave.

“Cartridge spent! Reloading next round! Incendiary Shell has been loaded into the chamber! Ready to fire! Engaging!”

“……NELLO!?...C-CAN YOU HEAR ME!? ARE YOU DONE!?...IS IT SAFE FOR ME TO—”

“ATAKA! FIRE!”

*BTOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOM!*

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!”

Once again, Pastrache let loose the second mother of all screams when the ballistic howl roared once more. 

The second round flew right into the cave opening, slicing through the black smoke as if it a sheet of loose leaf paper. The next explosion that came ignited sooner than the previous. Another belch of hot flames sprang from the maw, and into the outside air.

Both small and large figures were stumbling out of the insides of the cave, all bathed in rolling fire. It looked like one Orc and one Goblin. They didn't make a sound, only thrashing their arm-like stubs and jumping on legs the color of ash. Maybe out of mercy, they fell over onto the grass, their burnt bodies scorching the ground under her silhouettes. They didn't bother to move after that.

“………………………………………………………………..”

As Pastrache watched the carnage, she failed to hear Nello reloading the third high velocity shot into the chamber and released the round at Mach 1 once again. This time, it sliced through the ceiling of the cave, gutting it wide open as if it were a fishmonger to a freshly caught trout.

*BTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

The whole mountain face collapsed, just up and sinking into whatever hole or empty space that had been blasted out. Rubble and stone came rolling down the sides while many of the rocks caved inside. It caused the whole ground in the entire corner of the province to shiver and quake, the massive loosened boulders sliding to hit the earth.

When the smoke cleared away, what used to be a cave no longer existed. It somehow blended into the side of the mountain as if a natural rock formation.

Nothing was left of what Pastrache saw only two minutes ago.

“…………………………………………………………………………”

Unable to understand the science behind 20th century armored warfare… the Half-Elf girl collapsed to her knees, her small body shaking rather violently.

Much like how the speed of sound had to wait a bit before catching up to a fighter jet at maximum speed, several mystical notifications had eventually popped.

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>> Nello's 76.5 mm CANNON dealt -999 Piercing and Slashing Damage to Orc Raiders
>> Orc Raiders are Prone. You have Advantage over them.
>> Goblin Archers are on Fire. Suffering ongoing Burning Damage.
>> Orc Raiders eliminated. You are out of combat.
>> Congratulations! Your party gained 30,000 EXP! You have leveled up from 1 => 8!
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"………………………………………………."

Pastrache watched as multiple of those message windows opened up in front of her blank face. Her gaze were wide open and she glimpsed at it, but her brain had shut down. Whatever words were written on the holographic faces were rendered into another language altogether in her mind. She couldn’t understand them. At most, she saw the numbers representing levels.

Even so, she still didn’t quite grasp the system she had witnessed.

As if to clarify things, a small cough came from the T-34 Soviet Tank...More like, a sneeze and cloud of smoke from the tank barrel.

“B-BICHUU!….I got them Big Sis! I got them! Now we can get the money to build a super big house with a super big bedroom!”

"............................................."

"...Big Sis?...Hmm? Wh-why do my tracks feel wet?"

"......................................A...aahuh..."

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>>  ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!!
>> ~ Scared Sh*tless~
>>         You wet your pants from being overwhelmed. Hope you have spare underwear.
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"..............................K...kuuuffnnn..."

"...Big Sis? A-are you okay? Why are you crying?... Did I do something wrong again? I'm sorry."

In the end, Pastrache failed the mission.

The evidence of orc and goblin remains were too scorched, brittle to the point of being unrecognizable ashes. The only reward she received was the 50 GP bonus pay for taking on a mission higher than her level. 

In order to celebrate, she bought herself a big bottle of Brandy and spend the night numbing the trauma she experienced that day. Like a soldier back from the Vietnam War.