[Phantom Pain of Rousoku Himawari] Manami Repents

Yoko sat with her mouth agape and her eyes widened in shock. "I asked you first! How do you know Taeko?"

"The fact you're even using that name tells me her real identity was discovered." Manami sighed. "That brat. She didn't think to mention that to me?"

"Mom!"

Manami groaned as she tapped her fingers against her empty glass, the suds from her beer sliding down towards the bottom of her glass at a snail's pace. "Since you know her already, I guess there's no point in keeping this from you. Honey, I'm an exorcist."

Yoko didn't think she could be any more surprised, and yet, Manami had to go ahead and say that. Yoko was completely petrified at that revelation alone, and it sounded like Manami still had so much more to say.

"I've been an exorcist since before you were even born." Manami continued. "I was actually the regional commander of Kyoto's exorcist division before Lucrezia was. She was my student, my best one. In fact, she was far more fit to lead than I was, so I handed my position over to her and became a special agent instead. But...it didn't take long for things to go to shit. Lucrezia complained that her chest hurt a lot. She would cough and wheeze all the time as if she had asthma. She lost a lot of weight and had this weird whistle sound whenever she'd breathe in. She muscled through it for a while, but her symptoms got really bad. One night, she calls me and tells me she was diagnosed with emphysema. Two years left to live."

Manami's eyes glistened with tears, the pain still fresh in her mind. "That poor girl. Imagine being that young and being told you've got two years left. She cried all night, asking me what she did wrong to deserve it. I couldn't say anything. I didn't have any answers. No one does for that kind of thing. I told her she should take a break, spend her final years with the people she loves. Most exorcists don't have a lot of living relatives, but she still had her mom. I told her to go and spend some time with her mother.

“Lucrezia was young, after all. She was always such an independent girl, and yet, when she got that diagnosis, it's like she became a baby again. All she wanted was her mother's love and comfort. As powerful and intelligent as she was, she was still just a child. I can only imagine how terrified she was of dying. So, she took some leave and flew to Hyōgo prefecture. That was when..."

"...Oh my god. The Great Hanshin Earthquake..." Yoko gasped. "Mom..."

"Everyone told me I shouldn't blame myself. How were any of us supposed to know there'd be such a massive earthquake? But I was the one that told her to go home. I was her teacher. She confided in me during her darkest hour when she had no one else to turn to, no other shoulder to cry on, and I gave her advice that ended up getting her killed..."

"It wasn't your fault, Mom. You were just trying to help her make the best choice. Going home was the right thing to do." Yoko said. "If she hadn't gone, her mother would've died alone in that earthquake. I'm sure Lucrezia would've regretted that for the rest of her life. At least they were able to spend some time together again."

"So the outcome would've been miserable no matter what I chose." Manami said.

"Was that why you started drinking? Because of Lucrezia's death?"

Manami hung her head in shame as tears raced down her cheeks. It broke Yoko's heart to see that her mother still thought of and mourned Lucrezia so much. Yoko felt her mother's anguish so deeply that even she had tears flooding her eyes. She could only imagine the emotional hell it was for a teacher to raise such a talented and bright student, only to unknowingly send them to their deaths.

Yoko had always pushed Manami's alcoholism to the furthest recesses of her memory, but now she saw her mother's perspective. She finally understood why Manami tortured herself for so long, why she became such a bitter wife and a withdrawn mother. She had lost someone who was as much of a daughter to her as Yoko was. Now that Yoko was just a few months away from becoming a mother herself and raising a new life in the world, she understood why Lucrezia's death hurt Manami so deeply.

"Some years after Lucrezia passed, I was among three people summoned by the Shoku Twins. I'm sure you know who they are if you know about Taeko." Manami said, getting a nod from Yoko. "The twins said that Amaterasu herself issued an important order, and she'd need our help to execute it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but the twins said that the world had already been destroyed in a previous timeline, so they had to rewind and find a way to prevent it from happening again. They needed to go back and change something without messing up the past or altering the future too drastically."

"So they brought back Taeko." Yoko finished. "Everyone back then already thought Taeko was dead. Since she was friends with Gekko, Izanami, and Inari, she was the perfect person to pick. She had a vested interest in protecting those three."

"So she really did tell you, huh? You're right. It wouldn't mess up the past since she was already presumed dead. In order for it to not mess up the future, she would need to take on a new identity. And if she wanted to be able to gather information on Tsukiakari, Kagutsuchi, Inari, and everyone else, she'd need the intel network and the manpower of the Exorcist Program. She had to take the identity of someone of high rank within the program. Since Lucrezia's body was never found after the earthquake, she was registered as missing, not dead. It was the perfect in for Taeko."

"That couldn't have sat well with you." Yoko said.

"Damn right it didn't." Manami growled. "But Amaterasu herself issued the order, and it was a matter so important that the fate of the world depended on it. We couldn't refuse. I helped Taeko 'become' Lucrezia. I had her learn all of Lucrezia's personal details, taught her all of Lucrezia's techniques and even helped her master advanced magic. The others, Shinju Miyakawa and Cyanide, helped build the lie as well. In a few years, 'Lucrezia' was ready to come back from the dead. I could forgive Taeko deciding to use Lucrezia's identity since it meant saving the world. I just...couldn't stomach what Taeko did to Lucrezia's mother. It wasn't right. It was nothing short of evil."

"You mean how she swapped places with the mother's Mu-onna..."

"I have to admit, it was a solid plan. Mu-onna are featureless husks. No one would've been able to tell the difference. So, when Tsukiakari, Izanami, and Inari found a Mu-onna rotting away in some catacombs, they assumed it was Taeko's. In reality, it was some woman from the future who died alongside her daughter in an earthquake.

“Taeko had already made her escape to the future. Maybe there wasn't any other way. I just wish Lucrezia got to rest alongside her mother. Instead, her mother was transported to the past, and Lucrezia's remains had to be hidden to protect Taeko's secret. The whole thing was...so messed up."

"If I may..." Yoko began. "I know that Taeko's plan completely disregarded your feelings as Lucrezia's mentor, but she really has been doing a fantastic job. Taeko has done a lot for us. She saved Kagutsuchi, helped Satori Sentani's sister, and protected us from Himushi. It wasn't for nothing, Mom. Taeko has been trying her hardest to make everything up to you. I'll vouch for her on that."

Manami smiled. "Truth be told, I came to Kyoto to report to Taeko about a different mission I've been on these past few years. I didn't think she would've managed to do all of that while I was away. If you're vouching for her, that puts me at ease. Taeko seemed so callous about it all at first, but it's good to know she understands the price we all had to pay when we allowed her take Lucrezia's identity."

Yoko nodded. "You said you were on a different mission?"

"Yeah."

"Couldn't you have just called Taeko to tell her?"

"No. Well, yes, but...it's complicated. I can't discuss the details of the mission with anyone. We can't even risk the other exorcists of finding out. I'm sorry."

"Oh, that does sound important. Do you really have time to be here with me, then?"

"I was going to find Taeko after we spent some time together. I had to see my daughter at least once. Besides, the first rule of exchanging info is to never meet up with the second party right away. It's better to wait, make sure you're not being followed."

"If you want, I can tell her you're here. I have her number. We text all the time."

"Actually, that would be great. Don't mention me by name though. Tell her, 'The ocean is blue'."

"What is that? Some sort of code phrase?"

"Just text her that, please."

Yoko pulled her phone out of her jean pockets. "Okay."

Manami sat there gazing at Yoko as she texted Taeko, completely in awe that the beautiful, young woman before her was her daughter. It was obvious that Yoko had already grown accustomed to speaking with exorcists and dealing with supernatural issues and characters. Manami couldn't help but feel proud of her.

"Done. She's helping Osamu with something, but I'm sure she'll reply soon." Yoko said.

"That's good. Thank you."

"Mom, thank you for telling me all of this." Yoko said. "After Dad passed away, I spent so many years holding onto this grudge against you. I didn't know why you were the way you were, but now I understand. I'm sorry you had to suffer so much pain in silence. I'm sorry I couldn't help you sort through all of it. I understand now why Dad gave you my number. He must've forgiven you, too."

"Too?" Manami repeated. "You mean..."

Yoko nodded, taking hold of Manami's hand in her own. "I forgive you, Mom. It's okay."

Manami smiled, her eyes sparkling in the sunlight splashing across her face. "I've wanted...I've wanted someone to say those words to me ever since Lucrezia died. Thank you, Yoko. Thank you so much. Thank you."

All of the resentment, confusion, and anger Yoko once had towards her mother was gone now. Finally, as an adult, and from one mother to another, Yoko saw eye to eye with Manami and offered her exactly what she didn't know how to ask for; forgiveness.