Chapter 1 - Part 11: Kanae’s Wishes

The days went on and I kept the information to myself. I don’t give a damn about her issues. That was her problem and she must settle it by herself. At some point, I envied her because there was that girl -a stranger who was willing to help her in any circumstances. Each day, I couldn’t help but glance in her direction. I see her more stressed than ever. That only means the abuse escalates.

I always have some questions like,

When will she act?

When will she snap?

When will she fight back?

And most importantly,

When will she thrive?

She’d grow up soon. Just like me.

We changed to our summer uniform. I continued to “observe” until our class rep also heard about the truth. Again, she took the initiative to act. Morning class hasn’t started yet so she decided to approach the victim.

“Yamada-san, I heard about your problem. A group of girls from the other class is bullying you, right?”

Yamada-san didn’t respond. I continued to look at them while seated on my chair. I must “observe” for that was my role.

“I also heard that they are your classmates from middle school. They have been bullying you since the start of classes. I’m here to help.”

Yamada-san glared at Class Rep-san.

“Shut up!”

Class Rep-san stepped back.

“Leave me alone!”

I didn’t expect Yamada-san to yell so loud. Most of our classmates present inside the room stared at them. Because they gathered attention, Yamada-san exited the room as fast as she could. I didn’t know the reason why she snapped, perhaps Class Rep-san was too much of an annoyance. She had always been concerned towards Yamada-san and tries her best to act on her own, so I couldn’t blame the loner if she wanted to get rid of her.

On that day, Yamada-san didn’t return into the room. She was absent and that elevated worries to our class rep. She blamed herself responsible for what happened. Each short break, she goes out of the room and tries to search. Yet, she always comes back empty-handed.

On lunch, I went to the rooftop to eat. There, I heard a beautiful song. I was the type of person who likes songs with stories in it. The lyrics speak about heartbreak. It has a very good impact on me even though I haven’t experienced falling in love.

Falling in love, huh.

I wonder when would it happen. I have never met nor talked to a guy of my age, and since I have been in an all-girls school, I kept losing the chances. I wonder what it feels to be in love. The song continued, and I find it strange that the theme “heartbreak” doesn’t really fit my thoughts of “falling in love”. I searched the source of the music.

My eyes widened for a split second. The song came from the phone of Yamada-san. 

Awkward.

I averted my gaze along with the compliment, “That song, it sounds good.”

“Are you here to bother me too?”

I heaved a sigh. “What are you talking about? I won’t bother you. I’m here to have lunch.”

I took a seat on the floor and opened my boxed lunch. I continued to eat without speaking a word. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t there to be a bother. Although at one point, I couldn’t help but propose a question.

“Your playlist sounds great. What’s the name of the artist?”

“You don’t know it?”

“I don’t, sorry… I just started to get interested in songs of various genres these days.”

“It’s Sangatsu no Phantasia [1]. Go search for it yourself.”

I obeyed the command and searched for the name of the artist. I quietly played their music with the help of my earphones. The first songs that I get fond of were Itai, Blackboard Eraser, Daybreak, and the song cover of Kokoronashi. I loved the lyrics and how it was sung by the artist. The artist was filled with emotions to the song that you’d feel her pain each time she tells the story. No doubt, a person like Yamada-san would love it. Her life was composed of pain, after all.

“I love their songs. Thanks for sharing it to me.”

I wonder if she had lunch already.

“Hey, if you want. I’d like to share the songs that I like.”

She didn’t respond.

“Try to listen to the song covers of Harutya; I love her songs.”

I smiled at her.

“I know them already. I-I,” She averted her gaze and added, “I listen to her songs too.”

“I see.”

After I was done with the meal, I remained seated. I continued to listen to songs and never spoke to her. I don’t want to be an annoyance and I kept in mind that she only brings trouble. Time passed until the afternoon class was about to begin. I stood up while rubbing my butt, preparing to leave.

“What are you gonna do now? Still don’t feel like going to class?”

I asked nonchalantly, and she answered a “no” by shaking her head.

“I’m going back now. Goodbye.”

I guess she really preferred to be alone. I was on the similar orbit for I was also not used to be with other people. They’d just make me uncomfortable.

Before I walk downstairs, Yamada-san spoke from a distance. “I wish I can be like you.”

I turned around to stare at her.

“You’re always alone, like me. Yet, you don’t look lonely. You’re good looking, and our classmates admire you.”

When she talked about my good points, I walked towards her. I wanted to teach her a lesson. I wanted to tell that I was once bullied, like her.

“I came from an old small town, so no one from the city knows me. I was afraid to be alone, but I adapted to my circumstances. You know what? I was also bullied during grade school and in the first year of middle school, but I decided to fight my enemies and that ended everything.”

I wanted to give her a push; that was the last thing that I could do.

“You don’t know how evil they are.” She grinned in distress and added, “They once forced me to drink a mix of coffee and energy drink. They pushed me down whenever they want to. They steal my things including my allowance. The worst thing just happened recently…” She dropped her gaze. “They forced me to shoplift at the store. What do you think about that?”

“How about your parents?”

“They don’t care about me, or so that’s what I think. My grades are average unlike my sister’s, so they don’t have expectations.” She continued after a short pause, “Honestly, I want to fight those girls. In my head, I want to kill them. I imagine their throat being cut off by my box cutter, and their eyes bulged out by my compass. But really, I don’t have the nerve to do it.”

With everything that she said, I kept my mouth shut. I don’t know what to say because the bullying she was experiencing was on a different level. She was close to getting out of control. Now that she has thoughts to kill, there might be a time that she’d trigger it for real. When she stopped caring about the world and herself, she’d develop the impulse of resorting to violence. I don’t want her to arrive in such denouement. That’d be a dreadful sight. I still don’t want to get involved and I want her to settle things by herself, but if that was the solution that she could offer, no thanks.

All that I could do was to laugh nervously, as though pretending that she was telling a joke.

“Fu fu fu… Please don’t think about that.”

The bell rung and I was thankful of it. Now I could find an excuse to cut the conversation.

“It’s time. I’m going back now.”

I raised my hand while leaving and didn’t look back. Upon arriving at the classroom’s entrance, Class Rep-san approached me and questioned, “Did you see Yamada-san?”

Seemed like the issue was still troubling her. However, I have to lie for my own good. Shaking my head and answering “no”, she dropped her gaze. The class ended at 1:00 PM for it was Saturday. I headed straight home and shut myself to my room. I never thought that I was close from getting involved to Yamada-san’s problems. At the moment she wished the kind of life I have, I lost control of myself and went towards her feeling all sympathetic and concerned. Because my past could be related to her present, I often felt the urge of giving her a hand. Sure enough, if I was overcome by emotions again, I might jump into her boat and carry the same consequence. I must stop from acting on my own judgment. Before I make a move, I must always think twice.

[1] Sangatsu no Phantasia (三月のパンタシア) is a Japanese pop creator project consisting of vocalist Mia and several composers. Their slogan is "Owari to Hajimari no Monogatari wo Kuusou Suru" (終わりと始まりの物語を空想する; Fantasize the Story of the Beginning of the End).