Chapter 9:

No Voice to Cry Suffering

A Place between There and Now

I held my hands to my ears. I screamed, I screamed a constant scream that felt like it would last forever. I tore at my ears and scratched my skin around them until my fingernails were stained red with blood. spittle flowed from the corner of my mouth and mixed with the tears that streamed down my face. I was still trying to scream, even though my voice had been gone for what felt like an eternity. I whimpered that he should finally be quiet, but of course, he didn't listen to me. I tried to concentrate on the pain so that I wouldn't have to hear his voice any more, but it only got louder.

I don’t know if only I have this problem, I mean how should I know but the more I try to concentrate on my thoughts the more they get out of control. I for example could never stop any object I thought about from spinning, it didn’t matter how hard I tried. This never was a problem to me in any way before but now it just caused me to feel an indescribable level of pain.

The voice slowly turned into a low hum that filled every inch of my head. You would think this would make it better but no, it was such a loud hum that my ears were filled with blood. The sound continued constantly without even the slightest change. All my senses were blurred and I felt nothing but the hum torturing me.

I never believed that I would ever want to die under whatever pain I would be but that was proven wrong, I wanted to die so badly, I just wanted to end my suffering but immortality being a curse is nothing new, not that I was even able to kill myself in the state I was in right now. Neither could I move, nor stand up and walk, nor move my hands away from my ears and down to my right pocket. I was trapped in this mental hell and could only endure the pain.

The sound finally got quieter and quieter and slowly started fading from my head after what felt like days. I felt dead inside, I tried to not think about the three words as hard as I could, but you know how that usually goes. Luckily, I didn’t experience another shock and I learned that my mental state carries over between deaths which does make sense, after all my memories and so my brain don’t reset after death, at least mentally.

I looked up to the black sky, it seemed to have started raining without me noticing it. I let the black rain wash the tears off my face. My senses were still clouded but I started to feel the pain around my ears and looked down at my hands. The fingertips were covered in blood and there were still remains of my flesh under my fingernails. I thought about cutting off part of my shirt and wrapping it around my head to stop the bleeding but decided against it after realizing how much effort it would take and that I would be fine by tomorrow anyway.

I got up and looked around, I was back in the outer parts of the city with smaller houses and narrower roads. I slowly walked past some cars. Every raindrop that dripped down into my wounds felt like it was burning my skin, to help with that I put on the hood of my jacket and kept walking.

I saw someone coming closer to me in the distance, it was a shadow, he was walking down the street directly towards me. It seemed to not have noticed me yet and I didn’t want to risk another death, so I quickly jumped behind one of the cars that were standing next to the road. I hit my foot against one of the cobblestones sticking out of the street and the shadow noticed me. It slowly walked towards the car, I needed to be quick, it would be here soon. I quickly rolled under the car as carefully as I could to not make any more sounds. It walked around the car multiple times but luckily didn’t look underneath it so I was safe for now. Though in the back of my head I already knew beforehand that it wouldn’t find me because I didn’t.

I waited for another 5 minutes after it was gone and crawled back out from under the car. With every step, I took my hood rubbed against my wounds, it was painful every time but still better than taking it off. After trying to position my hood in a way that wouldn’t touch them, I gave up on that idea and just started walking slower.

Hours of slow walking under pain through the rain (rhyme unintentional) later I just couldn’t go any further. It was already dark, and my hood was drenched in black water so now whenever it touched my ears it hurt even more. I looked to my right through the open door of a house and directly into the sleeping face of a shadow. This was my chance to kill another one of them, and I could actually make it without consequences.

It opened its eyes and I hid behind the door frame, It didn’t see me in the dark, but I saw it. It looked around in fear searching for what it was that was lurking in the dark.

- fight kill repeat - fight kill - kill - kill - kill

It was stuck inside my head again, that noise. why now? It pained me. I slowly pulled out my knife, but it got worse. I couldn’t think anymore, I needed to kill it was the only thing I thought.

I slowly stepped through the door frame still crying in pain which got gradually worse to a level which far surpassed anything from earlier. I couldn’t move anymore. I begged the shadow to just end my suffering, killing me surely was easy for it, but it didn’t, it just stood in the corner frozen in place. I gave in to the hangman, charged into the shadow, and stabbed my knife into his stomach. I quickly pulled it out of its body, slowly turned it around in my hand, and with one last tear stabbed it into my hearth. I felt relief come over me. Finally! Finally-


- booting #011

- repeat