Canto IX: Gloria Patri

"There's more to the situation than meets the eye. A bunch of Magical Girls and other weirdos living their ordinary lives, but desperately trying to stay relevant at the same time. Even my Prince Charming can't avoid that, hehe~" Regina leaned against an open window in the household, watching people go to and fro. She could have looked at them go through the balcony to her right, but she didn’t feel like it: It was too cold there.

She'd only been in the village for two days or so, but she'd already obtained a licence to set up a herb stall. There was more paperwork to be done, but Almudena would deal with it. Regina also volunteered to help out with some services in the chapel next to their house.

Her sudden and loud debut had made the villagers curious about her, but since she was one of Olivia’s associates, they'd decided not to bother her too much. That only applied to the normal villagers, and not to the Protection Squadron, which was very eager to bother her. Of course, she'd blurted out a few panicked lines and threw all but Olivia over her shoulder. Still, they kept coming to bother her! How was she supposed to paint or write like this?

"I wonder, is it because I'm tall compared to them? Or is it because I'm interested in Olivia? I wonder~" Regina stood alone in the flat's living room, as Almudena had gone to work. "It might snow today, that would make a pretty picture to paint~" The tall girl adjusted her graduated goggles and placed a chair next to the window, followed by a white canvas, a palette and a brush. "Please snow, pretty please~"

Regina waited for a few minutes, but the snow wouldn't come. "You're so mean, snow. Whatever~" She left her painting utensils on the chair and sat down on their black leather sofa, picking up a thick book and switching the TV on. "Legends are sooooo nice, aren't they? But nothing can compare to my Prince Charming, nope~" She opened the book, which was a collection of Folklore and legends from around the world. "Let's re-check the Dutch section~"

Suddenly and without warning, the documentary on Scottish flora which was playing on TV was interrupted and the channel started playing something else… A message spoken in a noticeable Cockney accent. The speaker was a young girl, 155 cm tall, with yellowish orange hair. Perhaps that’s why her comrades called her Orange Peel at times! Her hair was styled into two round buns, a double bun. As was par for the course, her bangs were straight but curved slightly upwards. Her side hair was slightly long and pointed downwards. Meanwhile, her sideburns were dense, surpassed her chin and were quite dense. As for her eyes, they were pitch black! But her pupils were in the shape of a five-pointed star, a yellow one at that. The expressionless girl wore large round grey glasses with lenses that were slightly tinted black. To the left and to the right of her forehead, in front of her hair, she had two black X-shaped hairpins.

Apart from that, she had two racoon-like ears on her head, which were light grey, and a heart-shaped lock of hair pointing out from her head. As for the girl’s outfit… It was bizarre! A grey mecha suit (Imagine a metallic grey leotard made out of interlocking steel plates, and you’ve got it) which went from covered all her neck, down to her meagre chest, and acted as underwear too, apart from covering her belly, but her belly button was still noticeable through the suit. However, it left her shoulders and sides virtually uncovered, not to mention her inner thighs… This was not appropriate for young audiences! As for her arms, she wore metallic gloves which turned into a sleeve which went up to her upper forearm, with a thick and dense edge there, like some sort of iron ring. The same type of clothing was applied to her legs: Metallic, light grey kneesocks which went up to around her inner thighs, and had the iron ring too. Her feet were clad in red rain boots with white soles.

To top it all off, she was holding a red and white torpedo in each hand, had some sort of black radio pack on her back, and a long racoon tail on her lower back.

" ’Ello? ‘Ello mates, can you ‘ear me? This is Magical Girl Thundering Thunderchild. I am here for a reason, an' I jus' stole this signal from you to tell you something, ‘coz you’re all a bunch of mugs. Listen up: Magical Girls are an alien plot to take over our planet, and surely we can muster more than a What a funny looking space bloke, I sure hope he does not put his probe anywhere near my orifices. Eat my fist and go shag a sock, you bloody donkeys. Some of us are out ‘ere doin’ some proper work, putting our lives on the line an' protecting the peace, while you’re doin’ things I couldn’t care less aboot….’’ The speaker fumbled and paused, having issues remembering what she wanted to say. So she improvised!

‘’Shite, I forgot wha' I wanted to say. Uh… Leave Earth’s anti-alien bugger defence to us, aye? We are ‘eroes, that’s wha’ we are, so we’ll take care of everythin’ so you can sleep soundly. You don’ have to worry about anything bugger-related anymore: The Chatham girls are 'ere, rejoice! Sorry bein’ so mean before, by the way: ‘twas part of my script. I didn’t mean it, and in fact, I do care about the things you’re doin’.

Now, my jolly tars, as a proper Bri'ish lass, I would be insultin’ my ancestors if I didn't shit on the French at least once a day. So this one’s for you, onion-eatin’ surrender monkeys: Why the fuck would you make a song about eating onions? For fuck’s sake, it’s hard not to laugh at you. But onion song aside, you’re our friends, so take care! Alrigh’, time to sling my ‘ook. Toodle-oo, Waterloo! Long live the Queen, long live the Royal Navy, long live the Chatham Girls, never embroiled in factionalism or turmoil!"

The message was followed up with an ear-splitting rendition of Heart of Oak. When it ended and the documentary returned, Regina simply stared at the television in amusement. "That's weird, I didn't know English could sound so weird. Silly Brits~" Regina yawned and put her book down. "My Prince Charming will probably do something about this, but I am just a normal girl, and I can only do so much. So, I'll offer a prayer for humanity. Let's pray a bit~"

She offered a brief prayer, closed the windows as it started snowing, and then pulled a few blankets from under the couch, wrapping herself in them. "All done. The heating should start up by itself soon~" Regina switched the TV off and got back to reading. She would paint later, as she felt the blankets and sofa were too comfortable to be abandoned. ‘’What the hell is a Thunderchild? What the hell is a Torpedo Ram? I don’t know~’’ Regina had forgotten that the girl who had hijacked the TV channel had in fact been a guest of her mountain lodge once, and she too had received one of Regina’s shoulder throws.

"Life is full of coincidences, isn’t it? How strange~" As she pondered on how strange the world was, Regina heard a crash in the distance followed by a loud boom. And then, a strong thud against the door. She went over to it, displeased at having to leave her couch, and opened it to find a snow-covered Thunderchild lying on the snow. Wordlessly, she dragged the girl inside, shut the door and carried her up the staircase which led to her flat.

Regina was annoyed at this sudden appearance, but Thunderchild didn't look bothered at all, even while Regina used a broom to sweep the snow off her. "Thank you for your patronage." Thunderchild said, without a trace of cockney. Perhaps it had all been an act. "Tell me why you're here, please~" She didn't panic or stutter this time around, mainly because the girl in front of her felt more like a machine than a person.

"Torpedo failure. One blew up in my face at Chatham. Threw me all the way here. Blew up again, ended up crashing into your door. Thank you for your patronage." She rose from the ground and waddled over to Regina's kitchen, patches of snow still in her hair.

The cheeky raccoon girl then made herself a cup of hot chocolate, somehow having guessed where all the ingredients were. When she noticed Regina standing next to her, she gave the understandably pissed girl a thumbs-up. "Hebrews 13:16. Thank you for your patronage." With that out of the way she drank it all down in one gulp. "Delectable. As expected from me. Thank you for your patronage." She really liked using that phrase, and Regina couldn't help but wonder why.

Thunderchild ignored her musings and cleaned the cup under the kitchen sink's water. "You have sheltered me and shared your food with me. I shall tell you my name, then." She turned to face Regina.

"I am Elspeth Weathersby, but you may refer to me as Thundering Thunderchild. It is a displeasure to meet you. My ability is making torpedoes and not dying to them. I put Bibles in the fiction section, teach kids how to make homemade torpedoes, and study theology even though I am an atheist. Praise be to the Lord, for he is great and mighty. Praise be to homemade torpedoes and trainspotters.’’

Thunderchild then tackle-hugged Regina and sniffed her arms. "You smell like aliens. I do not like aliens. Since you do not smell like alien blood, I have determined they are your allies. Cease all positive contact with them or I shall have to send you up to God."

Regina went from being flustered, annoyed and confused by the short girl's actions to enraged. Only her Prince Charming and her Prince Charming's friends were allowed to hug her! In the span of 5 minutes, Thunderchild had managed to push all her buttons and pushed the normally timid dreamer over the edge.

Regina attempted to shoulder-throw the girl with all her might, but missed. She couldn't recall the last time had dodged her techniques. "You smell like aliens, but you also smell like The Blessed Mother. The plans of the Lord are truly inscrutable."

"I've had enough of you: It's time for you to leave. Back into the snow you go~" Regina attempted to drag her outside but relented after seeing Thunderchild's tearful face. "Not the snow, please…"

"A-alright, not the snow. Let's wait until Almudena comes back, she'll know what to do. She's not my Prince Charming, but she's not half bad hersel-" Her words were cut short as her legs were swept from under her.

In an instant, Thunderchild's expression had gone from tearful to smug, and she towered over the defeated Regina. "Yay to psychology. Yay to science and logic, yay to the Lord. Do not underestimate me, you indecent cow. Did all your brain matter go to your chest?" Her face regained its usual emotionless look of indifference.

"I have taught you a lesson: Do not underestimate Magical Girls. Do not belittle them, do not mock them, do not make them hold a grudge. This is payback for the time you shoulder-threw me in the Pyrenees. We are now even... "

She winked at Regina and stuck her tongue out: "That was a joke. I never hold grudges. But you should underestimate them, you should belittle them, you should make them hold grudges, you should mock them: They will make fools out of themselves. Praise be to human understanding, praise be to the Kingdom Of God. Thank you for your patronage. Indecent cow."

Regina, with tears in her eyes, wasn't about to take this lying down. She approached Thunderchild with her arms outstretched. "Here she comes, audience. Prepare to see a comedy act. Thank you for your patronage." Regina stuck her hands on Thunderchild's belly and thighs and pinched them. "I'm indecent? I'm properly clothed, you buffoon! But look at you, your outfit barely counts as underwear! A flat and short brat like you shouldn’t be wearing an outfit like this: It's scandalous~"

Being pinched in such places forced her to roll Regina over, and proceeded to kneel on the confused girl's stomach. She then raised her hands into the air and resorted to a unique method of asking for justice. "Haro! Haro! Haro! À l'aide, mon Prince, on me fait tort." And she started praying in French. Regina attempted to pinch her again, but as if the world itself had listened to Thunderchild's plea, the door to the flat opened. And who was it? Why, Olivia, of course. She looked like was in a great mood, carrying a few bags around her arms and holding a snow-covered umbrella. Regina’s face brightened at the sight of her Prince Charming, and she pulled on the girl’s tail as if to say She’s mine, so don’t you steal her from me, you trash-eater.

"Was that the Clameur de Haro? A beautiful piece of history and culture, I say. Heartwarming. Now, could you two buffoons stop please fighting and explain what’s going on?’’ Olivia headed down a small corridor and turned left, going into the flat’s studio and coming back with a pencil and a piece of paper. ‘’But before that… Haro girl, would you mind writing your grievance down, explaining how Regina wronged you?’’

Thunderchild nodded and took the piece of paper.’’ Please wait. Thank you for your patronage.’’ She tapped the radio receiver on her back with her pencil and spoke thus into it, her Cockney accent returning: ‘’ ‘Ey, Chatham Girls, I’m alive! I won’t be back for dinner: I can smell aliens here! Ya can drop by if ya want to. Coordinates, ‘ere ya go…’’ She sent them her coordinates. ‘’A’ight, I’m busy now, so go shag a sock. Toodle-oo, Waterloo!’’

She tapped it again, ending the transmission, and turned to the two girls. ‘’My apologies. I am the comedy relief character of my group. So I have to put on a Cockney accent when I have to make a fool out of myself."

Olivia nodded and stared curiously at Thunderchild’s tail and ears while leaving her bags on the kitchen table. ‘’May I fluff you?’’

‘’Go ahead. Thank you for your patronage.’’

Thus, Olivia began rubbing her face against her fluffy raccoon ears and tail, a look of bliss on her face. ‘’Nothing like a good dose of fluff after dealing with those superpowered children.’’ Regina hugged Olivia. ‘’Hey, Olivia, don’t touch her! Touch me, there’s more to enjoy here~’’

Olivia didn’t respond, but kept fluffing the short raccoon girl. ‘’It’s not like you’re not attractive, Regina, but fluff is fluff. And you’re not a superpowered headache to deal with, but you’re still a headache.’’

Thunderchild’s face went smug again, clearly stating Who's the trash-eater now, huh? Sucks to be you!

And thus, she spoke: ‘’I have stolen her from you. Diagnosis: Massive skill issue. Recommended course of action: Seethe, cope, mald.’’ And it went back to its usual emotionless state.

‘’Enough fluff for now, I mustn’t finish it all in one go. Thank you, Fluffy Girl.’’ Oliva took a step back, satisfied.

‘’Being able to fluff somebody and not having to deal with a brutal catfight afterwards is a special thing… What is your name?’’

The girl fluidly saluted her. ‘’Thundering Thunderchild is my name, not dying to my own torpedoes is my game. Praise be to raccoons, praise be to the Lord, praise be to science and reason. Thank you for your patronage, Miss Olivia. Do fluff me again whenever you feel like it.’’ Thunderchild clung to Olivia after spouting those bizarre phrases, perfectly aware that her action would make Regina flip her lid.

Olivia flicked their foreheads before they could argue again. Thunderchild began writing down her grievance after that, while Regina rubbed her forehead and clung to Olivia too. "You're both awfully heavy." Thunderchild looked genuinely surprised at something, and she took a few steps back. "Olivia, you stink of aliens. Are you an alien?" A torpedo appeared in her hand, and she prepared to use it on Olivia. "Do you know something I don't, audience? Shame on you. Tell me. Or else." Regina prepared to protect her Prince Charming by wielding a rolling pin.

Olivia sighed at the situation: "Of course I smell like aliens. I am an alien hunter, after all. But it's hard to explain. Hadrinyan, I believe it's your turn to shine. Go tell her before we get blown up." Following the usual explosion of dust and light, a dazed Hadrinyan stood in her place. "Olivia, you dummy, you coward! You ran away and left me alone with these two! I can't blame you for that, though… But here I am, the Princess of the Mi-Go. Look upon me, and marvel!"

Regina stared at Hadrinyan for a moment before leaping at her and wrapping her hands around her neck. "Cat, cat, cat, cat. I love cats but I don't like aliens. I cannot decide if I want to hug you or strangle you until you stop moving, alien plotter cat."

Hadrinyan picked the girl up by her tail an

while Regina took photos of Hadrinyan with her phone. "My Prince Charming's Magical Girl Form is so cute~"

"If you don't strangle me, I'll tell you all about my race and the plot. Isn't that what you want to know?"

"Those terms are acceptable. Thank you for your patronage." With our hero's death averted and Regina's photo session finished, Regina prepared three chairs and sat down in the middle, to Hadrinyan's left, while Thunderchild sat to the maid's right. And thus began Hadrinyan's long and needlessly detailed explanation of her race and planet's culture, history, and how their observation project went off the rails and devolved into a plot.

The contents of their lengthy discussion would be released as a book at a later date, but that's a story for another time.

Once they were done, a question lingered in their minds: What now?

Hadrinyan decided what to do and looked at the kitchen's wall clock, seeing that it was still 10 AM. It was still fairly early. "It's not like I care about the village or anything, but there are some streets and houses which need to be cleaned. I'm out, girls!" Hadrinyan got up and left, closing the door behind her.

Regina spent a moment deciding on what to do, and then had a great idea. "I know what to do, Thundy. Let's go collect some herbs for the upcoming Mediaeval Carcabuey festival, when the snow melts. Meanwhile, I'll make white bean stew and pork sausages for lunch, to celebrate your arrival! Let's make lots of nice memories all together~"

Thunderchild didn’t think it was a bad idea. She'd be staying in the village for quite a while, so she'd do her best to enjoy it. '’Understood. We shall gather herbs when possible, then. And today's lunch sounds delectable. Thank you for your patronage.’’

Thunderchild then said: "I shall now familiarise myself with this flat. Thank you for your patronage." And off she went, to explore their modest flat.

"Hey, you could at least help me in the kitchen, pedazo de marmota! Vaya abenduja, vaya alpontronada~" Regina complained.

"I don't feel like it. Not sorry, esteemed meal provider. Thank you for your patronage." Thunderchild replied while looking around the living room. And somewhere out there, a certain lazy fox-girl felt like she'd gained a new follower. But Thunderchild wasn't lazy, she just wanted to mess with Regina.

"I'll have to do it myself, then. Let's start~" Regina gathered all the ingredients she needed and started working on making one hell of a bean stew. "It'll taste even better if I think of my Prince Charming while cooking~"

Thunderchild ignored her and kept looking around the flat, peeking into every cupboard and every shelf. Meanwhile, Regina decided to text Almudena to ask her if she'd have lunch at home. Apparently, she wouldn't: The sudden snow storm had caught her in the middle of delivering letters to Olivia, Godofreda and Imperator. So she'd have lunch there.

"Lunch for two it is, then. I'll have to tell that crialla off for using the weather as an excuse to get closer to my Olivia. Only I can steal her away~" And she went back to cooking, looking as happy as she could be. Thundy had been looking around the TV area, and accidentally switched it on. Much to her delight, she'd found a TV channel just for train fans, run by train-themed Magical Girls.

She tapped on the radio set on her back, which also had an audio recording mode, and intently watched the screen with a serious look of concentration. Thunderchild loved all trains, but she had favourites, of course. And those favourites of hers, steam locomotives, were precisely the subject of what she was watching!

The show took a commercial break, so she got up and stopped by the window behind the couch to have a look outside, taking care not to knock over Regina's canvas. Thunderchild took a peek and saw that the streets had been filled with snow. But they were not empty, no: There were three hooded figures trudging through the deep snow with remarkable energy. Who were those figures, clad in black coats? She knew not. They stopped next to the chapel, and there they removed their hoods: A green-haired rabbit-girl, a brown-haired dog-girl, and an uncomfortable-looking white-haired fox girl. They were throwing snowballs at each other.

"Huh. What a strange lot. I must bother them a bit: Nobody shall have fun on my watch. Praise be to human understanding, praise be His kingdom." She strolled back to the TV, activated its recording mode, and left it to record everything on the channel. Thunderchild stopped by the kitchen, where Regina was busy preparing the pork sausages she'd mention while the water for the stew boiled.

"I'm going outside to bother a group of animal-eared losers, Indecent Cow. I'll be back by lunchtime. Thank you for your patronage."

"Don't call me that: I have a name! It's Regina Ascalón. Pretty, right? It is~"

"Whatever you say, Cowscalón. Regina is a good name, but it's wasted on you. Praise be to the Blessed Mother, long live science and logic. Thank you for your patronage."

"Cowscalón? How rude of you, Flatchild~"

After hearing those words, Thunderchild left the flat and went outside. The three girls had their backs to her, so Thunderchild quietly made four snowballs and threw them at full power, towards the rabbit girl and the fox girl, but not at the dog-girl: Thunderchild felt a vague feeling of This one will die if I do that, and trusted it. She was mean, cheeky and brazen, but she was no murderer.

The rabbit-girl was launched into the air and ended up in a mound of snow. The fox-girl dodged the snowballs but pretended to get hit. She then threw herself headfirst into the snow mound. They'd be out of commission for a while.. Probably.

"Thundering Thunderchild is my name, not dying to my own torpedoes is my game. But some call me Elspeth Weathersby. Praise be to raccoons, praise be to the Lord, praise be to science and reason. Thank you for your patronage. It is a displeasure to meet you." I should find a better way of introducing myself, she idly thought.

The dog girl was quite angry: She had been celebrating the recovery of her friend after she'd been briefly locked out of her Magical Girl Form, and suddenly, two of her friends got hit by snowballs, which were thrown by a scantily clad young woman who appeared out of thin air. "By Hammurabi’s beard, you won’t get away with this! I am Godofreda Wegener, and I will protect my friends! Imperator, Fetail, count on your Professor!’’ She dug into her jacket and took something out.

‘’Please do not underestimate me just because I’m small: I can still fight, even though I am an intellectual!" Godofreda was holding a leaf blower with a box on its rear end, and pointing it at her. She felt like getting hit by whatever that thing fired would be a hassle to deal with, even if it looked stupid. And it also looked like getting physically hit by it would be a bother too.

‘’What are you talking about? I don’t want to fight anyone. I am a nuisance, not a fighter. I do not intend to harm anybody. In fact, everything I do is for the sake of annoying others. I assume this has been enough of an annoyance for you. Thank you for your patronage.‘’

She felt slightly bad for having ruined their fun, and she was reminded of something else, something she never had. She was about to leave, but as she felt her conscience acting up, she stopped and spoke: ‘’Did I sound serious? My bad. I was taking the piss out of you. Diagnosis: Massive skill issue. Prescription: Git gud. Thank you for your patronage, praise the Lord, and bask in the glory human understanding.’’

Godofreda had been thoroughly annoyed by this girl and angered at her actions, but she saw she wasn’t a threat to her or her friends, and that she’d just been screwing around. Thunderchild was just annoying and mean, but not evil. So she put her weapon away, relaxed and approached the raccoon girl.

‘’You’re with Regina, aren’t you? I can smell her on you. Now everything makes sense!’’ When in doubt, blame Regina or Olivia.

‘’What the hell, stop sniffing me. I am with her, you are correct. I cannot be bothered to explain why. Ask her.’’ Thunderchild was creeped out by the girl who suddenly sniffed her, even though she’s done that to Regina herself. Thundy was aware of her hypocrisy, but she didn’t care.

Thunderchild started patting Godofreda. ‘’I understand how Olivia feels now. She has opened my eyes to the fluff. Thank you for your fluffonage.’’ That day, Olivia turned a weird person into an even weirder one. ‘’I am not a dog!’’ Godofreda puffed her cheeks out. ‘’Did Olivia pet you too?’’

‘’She did, she did. What a curious fellow. Are all of you this strange?’’

‘’Yes, we are! We are not many, but we are good fellows!’’

Thunderchild thought for once in her lifetime, and actually came up with a good idea. ‘’You’re that weird archaeologist, aren’t you? Regina and I are going on a herb-collecting quest when the snow clears up. You have been invited to join our party: There are strange structures out there. Thank me for my patronage. Praise be to dialogue, praise be to the Lord’s voice.’’

Regina was only treating her decently because Godofreda reminded her of the dog she never had, but Godofreda didn’t know that. So, on that day, the Professor made a new friend, and Thunderchild got a dog. And the pair in the snow mound learnt to watch their backs during snowball fights. "I didn't want to be here, my rights are being trampled upon. Haaaah." That was Fetail's remark, who had taken her face out of the snow, before being snowballed in the face by Godofreda.

                                                                           ☆☆☆