I’ll Do It, Because I Want To

Anata streamed that morning.

I felt the strangest dissonance as I watched her. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was Cleo speaking through my screen, yet I couldn’t entirely register that fact. After all, the Cleo I know and the Anata I know are entirely different forces that came into my life at different times. They’ve already represented two very different things to me. And now that I’ve seen this woman with my own two eyes, this version of her on my monitor can’t help but seem a little hollow.

That said, something really excites me about that.

I don’t think I’ll ever watch Anata’s channel again without laughing to myself nonstop. This is hilarious. I know this streamer in real freaking life. And nobody knows. Not even her. It’s too funny for me to feel bad or creepy anymore. This is just so absurd that I can’t stand it. All these people watching her, and I’m the only one who’s this close.

But this is still very weird.

A lot of these people like Anata. But only I like Cleo.

The pride of my otherworldly luck outweighs my anxiety.

I turn the volume down. I can’t really hear her from next door anymore. I assume she’s set up some sort of soundproofing by now. Though, maybe it’s just harder to hear her now that it’s the morning rather than late at night. Even in a tiny neighborhood like this, cars pass by. Dogs bark. Birds sing to each other. There’s no perfect silence in a community. And pretty soon, things will be getting a lot louder. I can already see people in their yards preparing for tonight. In a few hours, some of those people will be coming directly into my home. Then, they’ll all chatter endlessly, eating and drinking before eventually setting off recreational explosives right in my own backyard. It would be an understatement to say that I’m nervous. I never did well around lots of people. And of course, now I know many of those people as well. I know this place. Seth isn’t just a random adult anymore, he’s the ex of my crush who funded this event in the first place. The road by my house isn’t just a road anymore, that’s where I ran into Elias. And our new next-door neighbor… is my favorite Vtuber. And while I can’t say for sure who all’s coming, I know that just about everyone’s invited.

It’s pretty terrifying, knowing that all the forces acting upon my life right now are coming together inside one enclosed location. Perhaps the singularity of chaos they create will be great enough for me to end up better off than I came in. Or perhaps my life ends this very night. Perhaps this is all a plot by Seth. Perhaps Elias will humiliate me. Perhaps Cleo will find out I watch her streams. But there’s no point in thinking about that. I mean, how would she ever know? I spin around in my chair, gazing up at my ceiling at a poster of her avatar as I ponder the thought.

Shit, shit, shit.

Rushing around my room, I remove every bit of Vtuber-related product from my sanctuary. I doubt she’d… come into my room, but I have to be safe. I remove it all. Even the pieces unrelated to Sumire Anata or ProdoTV in general. I consider taking down all my anime goods, but such would be a feat of insurmountable effort. I stash the merchandise and posters away in my closet, and return to my desk to watch the stream.

“Yeah, things are going great, guys! My new place is awesome, and I’ve had a lot of fun lately with these CosineRaft streams! Excited for karaoke later this week!”

I almost manage to slip away into her world again, but I just can’t seem to manage anymore. I can’t escape when everything on my mind right now is related to what I’m watching. So I turn off my PC. I think… just for today, I’ll try and be productive. I head downstairs. Mylie’s laying her head on the kitchen table, looking a tad restless.

“What’s up?”

“Dad left to go buy supplies. Food and fireworks and soda and stuff.” She groans.

“Why didn’t you go with him?” I pour myself a glass of milk.

“Didn’t feel like changing.” Today she’s wearing one of the pilot suits from New World Protesta. Though I can’t really imagine her in much else. It’s been forever since she had “normal” clothes on. Every morning, she’s cosplaying a different character, some being more outlandish than others. This one’s definitely in that category. Can’t blame anyone for not wanting to be seen in some biomorphic cyber-spacesuit on a Monday afternoon.

“Oh.” I respond, trying not to bug her further, though I do take a seat at the table, just to be with her for a moment.

“Do you hate me?”

“Huh?”

Mylie’s face isn’t right. I can’t understand this expression. Is clearly one she’s not trying to make or one anyone would ever want to. It’s empty, though not in the way you’d see it depicted in the case of some fallen character or villain in an anime. She looks less like a zombie and more like a baby. It’s like she should be upset, and knows she is, but her face remains the same.

“No, I don’t hate you. What makes you say that..?”

“Everything always… hates me. I don’t get the world.”

“What’s up…?” I try to think of things that would’ve worked for me to hear when I was her age, but not much comes to mind.

“Remember dinner… a few nights ago?”

“Yeah?”

“Is… doing all the things I want to do… a bad idea? Can I really just… dress up my whole life? And write stories? And draw pictures? I realized… that does sound stupid. That’s not gonna work out.”

“I-I’m sorry.” I feel like I’m reverting everything I’ve ever said to her. I was always just telling the truth about how I felt whenever she brought up her plans for life, and I never really considered what that would-

“No, it’s not your fault. I’ve always had this in the back of my head. I know I’m not playing smart.”

“Mylie- you can… do whatever you want to do, you know-“

“No, I can’t. If that were true, nobody would work jobs at all. I’ll have to find a way to live one day that I won’t enjoy even a little. I’ll have to go to college. I’ll have to get a job. If only just for dad’s sake. He can’t work forever. Haven’t you thought about that?”

“I haven’t.”

“No?”

“Not at all.” I speak before thinking.

“Why’s that…?”

“Would he want you to worry about this? I mean… would dad really want you to be upset about something like that?”

“No… I guess not…”

“Mylie, I’m seventeen and have no idea what I’m doing. You don’t have to worry more than I do.”

“I just wish…”

“Huh?” She’s been blank-faced all this time, but now something’s coming up. She’s begging to cry.

“I just wish we could spend more time together.”

She can’t look at me. I couldn’t look at myself either. I realize now. I really should have been spending more time with my sister this summer. After all, when you think about it, this is my last summer as a child. And her last summer as a middle schooler. I could be doing a lot more around here. And not in the way of fixing more clocks. I could have been helping those close to me in a way that would mean a lot more to them.

I’m not pathetic because I don’t have a job or because I don’t have a girlfriend. What made me pathetic is how little I realized what the people around me meant to me, and how much I neglected them while trying to live peacefully.

“Let’s spend today together, then.”

“Yeah… okay.”

We get up, and end up pacing into the back porch. We used to talk out here a lot. I’m realizing it’s been awhile.

“Aren’t you scared?” She asks.

“Of what?”

“Of all the people coming over.”

“Yeah, I’m scared.” I think out loud. “You too?”

“I don’t wanna be anywhere.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t wanna be seen by people. I don’t like having to think about them, or what they think about me. I don’t wanna dress the way they think I should. I don’t wanna do anything like that.”

“Then… don’t.”

“Don’t…?”

“Don’t do any of that. Don’t think about them. Don’t listen to them. If you do that, you can still be seen by them, right?”

“I guess… I’m still scared.”

“I know. Advice can’t actually help that. I’m sorry.” I tell her. I won’t hide it. While I’m telling the sincere truth, I am trying to sound at least a little cool, just this once. I think all older siblings do this. Talking to your younger sibling is the one time where it’s okay to act like a cool mentor character. In my opinion, those kids don’t deserve anything less.

“You’re an idiot.” She laughs.

“Okay, I take it all back. Let’s head in, jerk.”

“Okay, asshole.” She smiles. As we enter the house again, the sound of rustling plastic pours from our dining room. Heading in, we see that dad’s home- and he’s bought just about everything the grocery store must’ve had in their entire Fourth of July display.

“G‘morning, Ross! Look at all this!”

“Wow…”

“Come on, help me set up!”

“Y-yeah.”

We spend the next couple hours running around both yards, making a party setup to withstand the whole neighborhood. We’ve never really done anything like this before though, so I couldn’t say how clean of a job we did. The whole time we’re working I’m wondering when the first person will show up, but such a thing never comes. We finish before anyone gets here at all.

“Nice job, son! I knew I could count on you.”

“No problem…”

“Hey, we got a new job from the Millers. They want us to fix some family antique or something.”

“What is it with all these heirlooms…”

“I know, right? S’where we get most of our business though. Our specialty, you know?” He chuckles.

“Hey… you know… about that stuff…” I begin to speak. After my conversation with Mylie, I think my lips have loosened up a little.

“What is it?” He quickly responds. I don’t know what I’m saying… but I think it’s better to say it than to hold it in.

“I don’t… like repair work.”

“Oh.”

Dad looks at me with a very honest look.

“Well why didn’t you say so sooner? I didn’t know that, kid. I mean, you just kept doing it and all-“

“I’m sorry. And- it’s not like I’ll stop doing it entirely- it’s just- I want you to know that it’s in no way something I’d do as a way of life… as a future. Or even really as a hobby. I do it… for you. And… I think it’s better that you know that.”

“Well, yeah, absolutely. Thanks for being straight with me.”

I feel relieved.

“That just… makes me wonder though…” he continues. “You always said you didn’t know what you wanted to do in life… but I always figured you just meant you weren’t sure if repair work was a legitimate career path. I had no idea you were actually conflicted. So that just brings the question…”

“Roscoe, what do you wanna do?”

He probably knew I couldn’t answer, but him asking really did put it back at the forefront of my mind. I really have no idea at all.

“Nothing’s changed there. I just don’t know yet. I mean… I don’t really think college is for me, but…”

“Then find something.”

My father didn’t look mad or strict at all. Of course he didn’t. He wasn’t like that. Yet for some reason, maybe just after seeing Kirk’s dad, I felt like he should be looking at me a bit meaner right now. Instead, he’s smiling.

“This will be the most fun part of your life, Roscoe. Go and try everything. Then, when you figure it out, let me know, okay? I wanna keep up with you- not just my son.”

“Thanks.”

Another thing to worry about, huh? But for some reason, I don’t really care this time. I think I like this. Everything that’s happening right now.

There are people pulling into my driveway.

I rush inside to get Mylie. Okay, it’s time. Everything all at once. I will do my best to not make this Fourth of July party a complete disaster.

“Mylie! It’s starting!”

Soon enough, the backyard is crowded. I’m standing next to Mylie, drinking another soda even though I still don’t really like them. I was scared because I was nervous about running into people I know, but really, I don’t recognize anyone here. Now I kinda wish Cleo was here. I mean, I do want to talk to her more. That’s the whole plan. And this would be the perfect excuse. But right now, I’m just some kid in a horde of unknowns. I wish I could just go up to my room… and really, I could, but…

“Roscoe, why are you looking around everywhere like that? You’ll creep people out.” Mylie pipes up.

“Sorry. Still just… nervous is all.”

“Expecting anyone?” She follows. I laugh.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been going outside a lot recently. Figured you got a girlfriend or something.”

My sister would believe I could get a girlfriend? I should feel flattered, but for some reason, I just feel strange. Guess I’m still just such a child. Love is icky and all that. But she’s wrong anyway.

“No, nothing like that.”

“I saw you talking to the new neighbor…”

“Y-you did?”

“I can see her porch from my room… her house right next to ours, you know.”

“O-oh, yeah.”

“What were you doing there? I mean, I just don’t get it. That’s why I asked if you had a girlfriend. It was the only explanation I could come up with.” She explains. I guess that makes sense. But she’s still wrong. For now. For now? Geez, what am I thinking? This is still crazy. But I have to believe.

“When I do get a girlfriend, I’ll tell you.”

“Ha. Bet.”

Before we can joke any further, I hear Sumire Anata laughing.

“Hahahahoo!”

That scared me. I turn around to see Cleo.

Oh god. Cleo. In my backyard.

“What’s up, Roscoe? This your sister?” She says, sipping a beer.

I cannot comprehend what is happening. I don’t even- a Vtuber is talking to my sister. But… it’s not a Vtuber. It’s Cleo. She’s a normal woman. Nobody here but me knows her other identity. Man, this is cool. Like a superhero comic.

“Yeah, t-this is Mylie- Mylie, meet Cleo.”

“H-Hi.” She says. It’s funny how aggressive she is at home. In public, she’s worse off than me.

“Sick costume.”

“O-oh… I’m… still wearing this, huh? I forgot…”

“Relax, it’s a party. Where the hell else do ya wear a costume? Hahahahoo!”

I’m realizing I’m with drunk Cleo right now. Not quite to the level she gets on a drinking stream, but she’s clearly a bit more open right now. Either way, she’s got a point. The anime costume isn’t exactly patriotic, but it’s times like this when Mylie is free to be herself.

“Tried your dad’s burgers. They were awesome. Hey, Seth ain’t here, is he?” Cleo asks me.

“I dunno… he- probably is. He kinda- funded the whole program. Wait- did you- talk to my dad?”

“Seth funded it? Oh, gimme a damn break… you know- I think I’m gonna go give that loser a piece of my mind!” By the time she finishes her sentence it dawns on me that not only had Seth inferred I was interested in Cleo but I downright admitted it to him last time we talked. If he sees Cleo-

“Nononono- C-Cleo, it’s fine! Wouldn’t it- be better if you just- ignored him?” I struggle to come up with a way to stop her as fast as possible.

“Hm. Maybe so. You’re pretty smart.”

Having been complimented by my idol, crush, and hopefully future spouse, as well as stopping any interaction with Seth, I reach a point of instant euphoria akin to a small Heaven.

Only to be dragged back down to hell.

“Roscoe! Your friend’s here!” My dad shouts out from behind a few people in the crowd, poking his head out. “Says his name’s… Elias?”

The boy with perfectly parted hair and the same blue jacket as always swerves through the crowd and past my dad to see me.

“Roscoe, I was speaking with your father.”

Rage bubbles up inside of me, only to be pushed down by fear.

“I know about your… circumstances.”

It rumbles underneath it.

“I think I can help you get back on track.”

Then breaks back through.

“I’m well on track, Elias.”

“Roscoe, “on track” implies you have some kind of plan to follow. But from what I hear you aren’t even interested in college. Is that true?”

Why’s it so quiet?

Why aren’t people talking?

I realize they’re watching my conversation.

Lots of people I don’t know, but also… them.

Mylie. Cleo. Dad.

How did it all fall apart so fast?

This guy really is trying to humiliate me.

Why?

What’s his deal?

Does it even matter?

I look around.

Kirk’s family’s car is pulling into our driveway as I think. Kirk. Kirk can get me out of this god-awful social breakdown.

Yes. I’ll wait.

I’ll wait.

Elias awaits my response in slow-motion.

Why am I waiting?

I know what’s on my mind, so why not just say it?

I know how I feel, so why not admit it?

Because Elias can humiliate me.

Because Cleo is watching.

Because I’ll let everyone down.

Because I’m scared.

But I know what I feel like saying. And I’ve said what I’ve felt like saying all day, so I decide to just say it.

“Huh? Yeah, not for me. You don’t have to be a dick about it.”

Time rushes forward.

Cleo is laughing. She found that really funny for some reason. Geez, she is really laughing. Hysterical laughter. Uncontrollable laughter. 

Drunk laughter. 

Mylie screams. I realize what’s starting to happen. Dad’s eyes go wide. Cleo drops her beer. Elias is looking at me in disgust. Wait, everybody is looking at me in disgust. The whole crowd. Except- no. They’re not looking at me. They’re looking at-

Cleo barfs on Elias’ shoes.

A united groan erupts from the crowd. Elias’ face is red with embarrassment and anger. It’s hard to be all self-aggrandizing with some lady’s barf on your shoes.

Kirk pushes his way through the crowd, Data tagging along with him.

“That guy got barf on his shoes!” Data exclaims rudely.

“Yeah. He uh… he sure did, didn’t he?” Kirk says.

Elias leaves. I watch him walk all the way to the front yard. Then I stop. It doesn’t matter where he goes. He’s not gonna be able to forget that.

Cleo pants a little, then resumes laughing just as loud, breaking the silence.

Eventually, things get dark. And not in the way they did when a weirdo probed me for personal information in an attempt mock me. The stars are finally visible, and the big fireworks are coming out.

I’m content just watching them with Kirk or Mylie, but as I go to look for either, I see Cleo sitting near the far East side of the yard.

I sit beside her. Well, beside might be too strong a word. I sit around her general location.

“Uh, hey Cleo.”

“I feel like shit….”

“Uh… yeah. Well, uh… anything I can do?”

“Watch them with me… the fireworks.”

Are you serious? Is this… even real? I immediately do as she suggests, getting into as contemplative a position as I can on the uneven grass before gazing upward just as I did in Roscoe’s bedroom yesterday. Only now, there is no ceiling above me. Only endless space. And instead of a single antique lamp, I have countless stars to examine.

“Was Seth… even here?” She moans.

“I-I didn’t see him.”

“I don’t get that guy…”

“M-Me neither…”

…

I’m still scared to just… say things to her. I mean, who knows what she’ll say back. The girl is a wild card. I wasn’t mentally prepared to watch my idol throw up on a guy today. But, here we are. Life is unpredictable. I suppose I should just accept that… and ask what I feel like asking.

“He… Seth… told me some… well, the other day, told me some weird rumors and stuff…”

“About me..?”

“Y-yeah… I didn’t want to… know, or anything… or- it’s not that I didn’t want to know about you, it’s just- look, I- I tried not to listen, I really did-“

“Just tell me. What’d he tell you? I can confirm if he’s lying or not…. If his guy’s trying to drag my name through the mud, I wanna know.

We aren’t looking at each other. We still just lean our heads as high as they’ll go, staring at Earth’s screensaver as we exchange words. I decide to just ask.

“This is… silly, but… is it true you… can’t fall… in love?”

I decide to take my eyes off the sky, just for a moment. I need to see her say it, so I know it’s not true. She just wanders into the galaxy with her green eyes, lips open just a bit as she watches the great yellow streak of a firework rocket into the air.

“….Yeah, that describes it pretty well.”

If only for just a moment, the bursting firework breaks away the silence, along with the dark of the endless night sky.