Chapter 5:

We Can’t Help It, Not at All

Midsummer Crisis


I don’t remember saying anything else for the rest of that Fourth of July night. I was just stuck in my head, trying to think even though I couldn’t. This didn’t make any sense in regards to everything going on right now. This doesn’t make any sense, period.

I’m sitting in my room again right now. I’m watching two of Anata’s genmates live at the same time. Teme and Tricia are playing CosineRaft together and I have both steams open. Tricia keeps pissing Teme off by telling dirty jokes, baiting her into saying far worse things in retaliation. I only laugh to take my mind off the insanity of the situation I have found myself in. It’s not enough for my Vtuber to move in next to me. She has to be a robot, too.

I’m just frustrated. What does she mean she “can’t fall in love?” Is it like a sex thing? I know for a fact I’m not going to ask. It would just be rude at this point, and if she’s paranoid, too, like Seth said, I don’t think she’d want me prying anymore further into what exactly she is. I end up tabbing out of the gameplay streams so I can look it up myself. I leave the audio on, of course. I’m so stressed right now I think I might flat out need the sound of anime girls yelling in my ears just to keep me conscious.

I type in, “people who dont love anybody,” hoping for an answer, any answer. The first result is from some psychology website. It says that certain people who have been abused or neglected in the past create walls to stop others from getting in. I quickly begin to worry about Cleo. That sort of thing would fit in very well with how Seth described her… or, actually, maybe Seth is to blame for all of this. Either way, I’m sweating and my fists are clenched on the table. I can hardly hear the Vtuber anymore, my ears are almost ringing. Cleo might actually be a very wounded person. In that case, all I can really do is try to help her. Then, maybe, once she’s better… we could have something really special. But I can’t stop at that. I back out and continue my search.

Somebody on an open question site submitted a query asking what it meant if they didn’t love anyone. The results were varied, but none really helped. “Of course you don’t love anyone. Nobody really loves anyone.” some edgelord wrote in. “You don’t understand the meaning of love, love is everywhere.” a modern hippie somewhere typed. This post is old anyway. Baffled, I go back and try again. I keep coming across the word “asexual.” It makes me feel unthinkably gross to think about somebody else’s sexual orientation, but I press on anyway. It’s decently well known that there are those who lack any sort of sexual desire at all. In wondering if the term fits her, my mind immediately races back to some of Anata’s RPG streams where she would often admire many of the characters' designs. Her comments were far from purely artistic, however. Me and chat got a real laugh out of her hitting on the ingame men, and sometimes women. But that was Anata, not Cleo. I can’t help but wonder if that was all an act or if I’m just barking up the wrong tree here entirely. Or maybe… it’s more complicated than just this.

With a little self-discipline I’m able to close the collab streams in order to search WebTube on the issue. My results come in much faster. Apparently, sexuality and romantic orientation are two separate notions, much like sex and gender. It is possible for a person to still be attracted to people without necessarily being able to “love” them, at least in a romantic sense- I’m told it’s called being “aromantic.” And while some random guy like me’s never heard of it in his life there’s at least enough people identifying with the term for it to have its own pride flag.

For some reason, I feel embarrassed for looking it up. I delete my history, even though nobody’d ever look at it and the Vtuber stuff would be a lot easier to make fun of. I lie awake in bed that night just thinking again about all that’s happened. Even though I was technically working doing research, this is the first time in a while I’ve had a quiet day like this where I just stay inside. The first half of this summer was nothing but days like these… playing games, watching steams, listening to music, resting… not even stepping a foot outdoors. Maybe it’s the stubbornness inside me, but I wouldn’t say my life has necessarily gotten better from going outside. Just… more. More intense. More detailed. More… exciting? I guess so. I mean, I have it all now. Mystery. Women. Violence… at least to the extent of harassment and shoes getting thrown up on. A caveman would be happy. But I’m not.

Am I?

I don’t love this. But I can’t say I don’t like it. After all… My very own Vtuber lives right next to me. That’s pretty cool, even if I can’t get with her…

Can’t get with her?

I still want to get with Cleo. I still want to… I dunno, date her? It’s kinda strange to break it down like that. I dunno what the hell we’d do. Eat out? I don’t have a car. We’d just talk, I guess. Hell, we do that already. I should see her tomorrow. Maybe I will. But I’m scared. Scared of the possibilities that await. I could just bask in this feeling of knowing something no one else does, knowing her secret… I don’t have to be with her. But I do want to. And it’s not like I’ve let anything else stop me. Her age didn’t. Her attitude didn’t. I love everything about her. But… if she can’t love me back, then…

I watched a film with my father once called Chasing Emi. I don’t quite remember how it ended, but it started with some comic book artist trying to date a girl he found out was a lesbian. I feel like he learned a lot about the culture and her life experience before they eventually grew close anyway, despite their preconceptions of themselves. Is that what happened? Again, I seriously can’t recall. I might be totally off. But… if I wanna be with Cleo, I at least have to try. I make a promise to myself then and there: I won’t know for sure until I get rejected. At that point, I’ll know it’s not meant to be… at least, I sure hope so.

At breakfast that morning, I tell my dad I’m going outside again today. He doesn’t question it anymore. I don’t even have to tell him why. He might even already know where I’m going, considering he supposedly met her last night. I dash out the door, my brown shorts and green t-shirt wavering in the summer wind. Geez… do I look like a kid? I hope I’m not unattractive. If Cleo really can’t love people, that means I have to go for sex appeal. Too bad I’m sorely lacking in the department, at least, as far as I know. It’s not like I’ve ever really been asked out before. Maybe I shouldn’t worry. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Kirk… confidence is everything. It’s all that matters. And at this point… I’ve got confidence to spare.

…I think, standing in front of Cleo’s doorbell, completely anxious to ring it again.

What am I doing? I’ve done it once, I can do it a second time. It’s no big deal. I’m just here. I’m a neighbor. It’d be weirder not to ring it. Oh, god, I’d better ring it. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here. What if I wait so long that she just-

Cleo opens the door. I look up at her, forcing a smile and swallowing hard before I speak.

“H-Hey Cleo! Good morning!”

“Mornin’, kid. You’re lucky, my hangover’s gone. Between that and work, I dunno how you manage to come at the best times. You wanna come in?”

“Y-Yeah, yeah- thanks.”

I’m back in her living room again. You can actually tell that’s what it’s supposed to be now. She’s unpacked quite a lot of stuff. There’s a couch, one chair in the corner, a TV… I wonder how much my superchats have paid for this…

“I hope I didn’t embarrass you the other day.”

“Oh, no, not at all!” I say, watching her make a coffee.

“Do you like coffee?”

“Never had it.”

“Wanna try?”

“Uh, sure.”

We sip coffee together on her couch. I can’t taste it. I’m too busy thinking about other things.

“So, Roscoe.”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing in life?”

“Huh. Well, uh… I don’t really know.”

“So you’re normal then. Got any interests?”

“Oh, uh… nah, not really.”

“Yeah ya do. Come on, spill.”

“Uh, anime…” I mutter.

“What was that?”

“Anime and… manga.”

“Cool. Any favorites?”

“Uh… DoratoraSilv- I mean… Serpent Sphere…”

“Silver Boy?”

“It’s… uh, yeah, I mean, I like that one. I guess. But it’s been awhile since I’ve-“

“I love Silver Boy. We should watch it sometime.”

“For real?”

“For sure. I’m so damn bored nowadays.”

“Bored…? You don’t… seem… bored…”

“The older you get, the harder it is to stay entertained. Now come on, let’s watch Silver Boy!”

“R-r-right now?”

“Right now.”

I sat on that woman’s couch for two hours as we watched the entirety of the English dub of the 90’s ecchi gag comedy Silver Boy, uploaded to WebTube. I did not move a muscle. I only laughed when she laughed. I tensed up at the slightest bit of nudity or sexual innuendo each and every time it happened. The experience seemed both to go by in a matter of seconds as well as last the totality of a long trip overseas. I made no comments in regards to my thoughts on the work, I only sat, and laughed, and stayed silent at all other times. But it didn’t matter how uncomfortable or anxious I was. Because… This was the most fun I had ever had in my life. Like a roller coaster, the thrill was indescribable. I learned nothing, absolutely nothing about this woman today, other than the fact she enjoyed the 90’s ecchi gag comedy Silver Boy- and yet, my love for her had been affirmed so strongly that I now considered it my lifelong goal to be with this woman. Even if she was aromantic. Even if she did reject me. No matter what, I would make Cleo mine. And I didn’t even know why.

“Roscoe, do you watch any Vtubers?”

“Huh?” I reflexively answered, needles burrowing into my heart. “Uh, no.”

“Oh, okay.”

And then, I just left. That was all that happened that day. When I got home, my dad didn’t ask where I’d been. I didn’t think about it as I lay in bed. When I woke up, I ate breakfast, and got ready to have a day to recharge after all the shock of yesterday. But then, something happened.

You know how murderers get a taste for killing and end up doing it again, and again? Well, I couldn’t explain the chemicals going off in my head, but for some reason, I went outside that day too.

It didn’t matter what I was doing. I had become Kirk. I just wanted to keep the high going. The story. The excitement. My life had started, and I was ready to live it.

And for whatever reason, my excitement took me directly to Elias’ front door.

After I knocked, it was he who opened it himself. He looked as if he had seen a ghost. Time catching up to me, Elias begins to speak:

“Roscoe? What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.” I said. I was beginning to understand why I had come here. I had gotten over myself. All of my anxiety was coming from people like Seth and Elias- people I didn’t understand. I wanted to understand them. I was terrified of myself. Seriously, what am I doing? Elias must be freaking out internally seeing a guy like me come up to his house like this unprompted.

“Well then… yes, alright, come in. Let’s talk.”

I enter his home and we sit at his dinner table. His mother’s cooking something just nearby, but she doesn’t look at or address us, as if she were his housemaid.

“So, Roscoe, what’s on your mind? Are you about ready for school?”

“Yeah, more or less.” Anyone who brings up a school in July is a bastard, but I push that aside for now. I have to keep in mind that this man is not actually my enemy. He is a very strange person and one I still do not care for, but he no longer has any way of harming me and would not try it if he did. I am being completely cordial and friendly, and will remain as such so long as he does the same. “Elias, I was wondering what you had planned for after school.” I continue, going with the flow.

“I’m enrolling into a college. I’ve had it planned out for a while now that I would-“

“Oh, uh, which college?”

“I have many options, though…”

“If you… aren’t sure, just say that.”

“I’m not sure.”

“Yeah, I get it. That’s cool. I’m sure you know this, but I don’t feel like going to college yet.”

“Why should I care what you are or aren’t doing with your life? It’s of no concern to me.”

“That's not what you say when there are other people around.”

“….”

Elias was stumped. I didn’t understand him any more than I had before, but at least now I got that there was something going on inside the hood. He’s not a machine. He can make mistakes. Lie. Act differently at different times. He’s human.

“Elias, you like… I dunno, made me uncomfortable in the past. I didn’t like you pressuring me into doing things at school. Why’d you do that?”

“I was trying to get you to join a club, just like I said then. You-“

“But you said you didn’t care what I did.”

“That was in regards to after school. During it, I have an ecosystem to uphold, and so do you. It doesn’t make sense not to support your school’s-“

“But I didn’t wanna. And I wasn’t hurting anyone. You know that. I mean, seriously, what does one kid not joining a club do?”

“You wouldn’t have been happy.”

“And since when have you cared about how I felt?”

Elias looks at me from across the table. He barely looks like he’s really feeling anything, but really, compared to everything else, this is probably the most angry I’ve ever seen him. He’s just adept at hiding it.

“Roscoe, I didn’t like you because you looked creepy and had no friends. So I bullied you. Are you happy now?”

“No. That doesn’t make sense. If you really wanted to bully me, you could’ve done a lot better than passive-aggressively advertising extracurricular activities to me.”

“You didn’t… you don’t make sense to me. You know- listen, Roscoe. I used to be just like you. A pathetic loser with nothing going for you. Until one day I decided to grow up and start looking outside myself. So I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, put on a big wide smile, and I climbed the social ladder straight to the top. Now I’m happy. And you’re not. End of story.”

“Who said I wasn’t happy?” I say. “I may not have the same life you do, and I hate school… but right now, things couldn’t really be going any better. Yeah, life is crazy, and I’m plenty scared of my future, just like I’m sure you are… but where you’re engineering a sense of peace, I guess I’ve leaned to… I dunno, enjoy the chaos? You get it? So… I mean, if you really wanna look outside yourself, maybe stop pushing your own standards on others?”

“I…”

Elias’ mother doesn’t turn around. It’s like she’s not even here. Kirk’s mom might not have stopped an argument like this, but she would’ve at least gotten in on it herself. This woman was intent on letting Elias solve this himself, and given by how calm she was, she had every belief he would- but… the guy I was looking at right now was losing it. His face hasn’t gone red and there was nothing coming out of his eyes, but he may as well have been starting to cry. He didn’t get what was happening. Didn’t get how someone so different from him could weave himself into his very home and challenge him like this. He didn’t have any confidence left. He didn’t have any belief in himself left. Hell… after that, I wasn’t even sure if he liked himself anymore. It was clear he was waking up from a dream. A dream that he was perfect. A dream that people like me and people like him were separate. I looked back at him, and I asked:

“Do you wanna watch Silver Boy?”

“What’s Silver Boy?” He said, mouth open, mind boiling over.

“It’s… a show about this dumb freelancer guy perving out over a bunch of different boss ladies he has to work with. It’s pretty funny.”

I can’t tell how much of Elias is there sitting across from me. But whatever’s left has no strength to shut down my request.

“Fine. Whatever.”

Somehow, I manage to sit in Elias’ bedroom and show him Silver Boy. He looks at the screen with utter disinterest, clearly appalled by such exploitive filth. We sit in complete silence. He doesn’t laugh, so I don’t laugh either. He doesn’t look away, so I don’t look away either. Nobody does anything. It starts to get weird. Will he want to get revenge on me for this? His manners are stopping him from clocking me right here and now, but really, he has a lot of power over me, or at least he will once school begins again. But I look over to him. His face is not the one of a vengeful man… at least, that is, not one targeting me. He looks at the screen as if it his mortal enemy. He stares at it unblinkingly, unwillingly, and yet, all the same, confrontationally. He refuses to do anything but gaze into its illuminated complexion. We remain in silence, sharing this inexplicable moment together, when, exactly nine minutes and two seconds into the first episode, as the protagonist manically cries out about getting to set up “hard drives” with a programmer, a single stifled chuckle finds its way out of his vocal cords. I can’t hold back. I burst out laughing. I don’t care how much it might annoy him. I give my honest response to the scene, and begin howling with laughter as loud as possible.

And to my suprise, he joins me.

Through gritted teeth, he laughs joylessly, an evil smile carved out of his lips, his eyebrows upturned in madness. He has no lies left. He has no perfection left. Elias wants to laugh. And his body won’t let him hold it in anymore.

Elias bursts out laughing. We laugh through the rest of the episode. We laugh through the rest of the day. And yet, just like me and Cleo, we say nothing to each other. And, for the second day in a row, I end up watching the entirety of Silver Boy uploaded semi-illegally to WebTube.

By the time it has ended, Elias is staring at me from the other side of his front door as I awkwardly wait on his front porch again. I’m not leaving until I get a goodbye.

“Roscoe.”

“Mhm.”

“Don’t… come here again. Okay?”

“I don’t get why you’re so scared of me. But yeah. Sure.”

“And… Thank you. Goodbye.”

I smile. He shuts the door before I can return the favor. I strut home, grinning. I have a theory now that one crazy thing ends up leading to more equally insane incidents. Like, my Vtuber moved in next to me, so now, of course she’s also aromantic, and of course I’m watching 90’s ecchi gag comedy Silver Boy with the closest thing I have to a sworn enemy. It’s like chaos theory, except all the little occurrences that end up resulting in drastic results are just as unpredictable and wild. More and more impossibility keeps stacking up on itself, creating a sandwich of causality.

I think I’ll go outside again tomorrow.