Painful Past, Inevitable Future

“What?” Was all I could utter, in response to that revelation.

Every word that he uttered, felt like a blade piercing through my chest.

“Of course, you don’t remember…” The old man sighs, as he walks on over to the edge of the cliff, overlooking the bright lights of the island.

“I can’t remember… Why can’t I remember a single thing about my mother?! And who are you?!” I get up and raise my voice at the old man, my mind boiling with unfounded rage.

I just feel so frustrated that I couldn’t remember anything about what happened to my mother…

“Calm down, Yukio…” He raised his arm, without turning to look at me.

“…You can’t remember because your concussion caused severe amnesia.”

“Huh…?” I uttered yet again, as my mind felt like it froze over on the spot.

What concussion? Amnesia? What the hell is he talking about?

My mind couldn’t process all the information at once, but for some reason, I could tell that this old man wasn’t lying.

And so, I focused on all the memories I’ve gathered thus far.

With those newfound clues, I searched for memories of an accident, my mother, me… and Hana.

I could tell that I hadn’t lost them… they were just locked away deep within me. Waiting for a moment to resurface.

A striking headache overwhelmed every other sensation I was feeling, but still, I gritted my teeth, and pushed through it.

I HAD TO KNOW.

And then, I found it.

A remnant… a string of a memory long forgotten. I reached out my hand, and pulled it with all that I had. And as I pulled, a box of memories hidden in the deepest part of my mind, burst open, feeling my vision with fragments long lost.

I felt overwhelmed, like I was pulled to another world all together. My vision flashed white, and my whole body seemed as if I was floating.

Memories. So many… memories.

Memories of my childhood. Memories of me and my parents. Memories of me and Hana.

I was always an energetic kid, back then.

I wanted to taste adventure. Feel the thrill of adrenaline.

And my friend, Hana, was no different.

Although I complained, whenever she dragged me off somewhere, I always had the most fun when I was with her.

The whole world felt like our playground. And I was content, just being by her side.

We used to play around the ocean the most, especially during the summer, where we got to swim to our heart’s contents.

“You’re too slow, Yukio!”

She always used to tease me like that. But I never felt mocked in any way. I was just having the time of my life, running around with this fun, friend of mine.

We would always have races in the water, and I would lose every time.

At first, I felt frustrated, but after a year or so, I realized how natural she looked when she was swimming. So animated, so alive.

The ocean was Hana’s world, and I was just living in it.

Whenever I complained to my mother she would say:

“Do you love the sea?”

And I would always reply with a “Yes!”

“Then never stop doing what you love. The ocean is vast, and you will find your place in it someday. Just like Hana has.”

Those words always gave me strength, to keep going in the water, and keep chasing this girl around.

Of course, off the water, she was just a normal girl. And there were many things she couldn’t do. Whatever she wasn’t good at, I helped her.

We filled in for each other’s weaknesses, like true best friends.

Our love for the sea was what united us, but we stayed together for so many more reasons, other than that.

I was so happy, being with my friend, and exploring the world.

But then, one day, my parents talked to me about moving.

Of course, I was against the idea. I threw a tantrum and ran out the house.

Naturally, I headed straight for the beach.

And there she was, playing in the sand.

I didn’t want to talk about the fight with my parents, so I acted like normal.

But Hana could notice something was off, and she pressed me for answers.

It was then that I revealed what me and my parents had talked about.

“You’re leaving?”

“I don’t know…” Was all I could say in response. I didn’t know after all. I dashed out the house before my parents could explain.

“Don’t leave! I don’t want you to leave!” The girl gripped my hand tightly.

“I don’t want to leave, either! I want to stay here with you, forever!” I shouted back. “But I can’t do anything, if my parents say so…”

“Then promise me… you’ll never forget me! And that you’ll come back!”

“I do! I promise, I will never forget you!”

Those words were met, by the brightest, and saddest smile I had seen in her face.

Trying to make the most of the time we had left together, Hana pulled me into the ocean. Our playground.

But that day, was windy, and the waves far exceeded what we were used to handling.

But, as silly as we were, we didn’t care one bit.

“The ocean was what I loved…”

I thought and dashed after Hana, who was swimming through the waves like a fish.

But then, as we got deeper, I could feel the waves getting heavier, and more intense.

I called out to Hana, but she was nowhere to be found.

Suddenly, I was alone, in the middle of the ocean, wave after wave, slamming violently on my head.

There was no lifeguard in that beach. I had just ran away from home. There was no one here to save me.

“Yukio!”

That’s when I had heard my mother’s voice.

I didn’t even realize when it had started raining.

I could see the hazy figure of my mother swimming towards me, through the tears that had formed on my eyes.

“Stay there!”

She ordered me, as I fought with the violent waves.

I couldn’t even tell how many times I had swallowed water. My mouth felt dry and full of salt. I desperately gasped for air.

“Gotcha!” That was when my mother reached me, and I noticed she was already carrying an unconscious Hana in her arms.

I grabbed onto her tightly too, as the waves came crashing down upon us.

One wave, bigger than I had ever seen, separated me from my mom.

“Yukio!” She extended her arm towards me, and cried out.

The next wave sent a great amount of water in my mouth, and I choked. Hard.

Then another.

It felt like I was losing the ability to breath.

My vision turned blurry.

I felt myself sinking.

…

The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital.

My head was throbbing, but they said it was normal.

The talked about a concussion.

Apparently, a rescue team had saved me.

They said the girl would live, and that it was a miracle.

But the older woman… My mom…

She had drowned.

In an attempt to save us both, she had lost her life.

After hearing that…

I fell back down on my bed, gripping the sheets tightly.

The ocean, which I adored so, had taken my mother away.

And just like that, my memories got locked away, deep inside me.

When I woke up the next day, I could barely remember anything.

…

And after the funeral, I couldn’t remember a single thing.

I couldn’t even recognize that girl.

The girl that I spent so much time with.

The girl that, I promised NOT TO FORGET.

And it was then, that my father decided it was best to move.

We gathered our things, and the next day after the funeral, we were standing at the dock.

“Where are you going?” The girl asked me.

I didn’t even turn to look.

I was hollow, hollow like an empty air cylinder.

The exterior was the same, but the inside had been drained completely.

“Will you come back?” She asked, yet again.

But I didn’t reply.

I just gripped my dad’s hand, and boarded the ferry, without looking back.

I had left the island, and I had erased every memory of it.

Part of it was due to the concussion, and part of it was the pain those memories caused.

…

Suddenly, I was pulled back to reality.

I realized, my cheeks were stricken with tears, and my breaths were shaky.

“How… how could I… forget?” I barely uttered, as fresh tears formed in my eyes.

I had forgotten.

But what about Hana?

She must remember everything.

Why? Why did she keep me in the dark?

With those questions, setting every single one of my brain cells ablaze, I turned on my heel.

“Gotta go, old man.”

I had remembered, everything.

That man was my grandma’s older brother, and my mom’s uncle. Shinpei. He was a kannushi, and he had spent most of his life in that shrine, meaning I rarely ever got to see him.

(Kannushi = A Kannushi is the person responsible for the maintenance of a Shinto shrine (神社, jinja) as well as for leading worship of a given kami.)

Why would he come out to see me now?

It didn’t matter… Right now, I just had to learn the truth.

I dashed back down towards the shrine, dead set on getting answers.

When I reached the foot of the slope, I saw her.

Hana was standing there on a clearing, alone.

“Hey!” She voiced, turning back to me with a smile.

“Hey…” I replied, panting for breath.

“The others left, and said we two “lovebirds” should watch the fireworks toge… Are you okay?” Hana stopped midsentence, noticing my serious expression.

“Hana.” I addressed her, looking her in the eye.

“Yes?” She replied, clearly taken by surprise by my sudden change in tone.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the accident with my mom?”

“Huh?” She simply uttered, completely dumbfounded.

“WHY didn’t you tell me?” I give her a pained look, one indicating betrayal.

“Who told you this? I-“

“Hana!” I cut her off. “I remembered everything. Every single thing. So tell me…”

“I… I felt guilty.” She simply said, looking down at her feet. “I felt responsible for taking your mother away. How could I ever tell you all this, when you’ve been freed from that pain?”

As she talked, I could see her cheerful demeanor crack beneath the pain she was feeling.

“Responsible?! Are you crazy!?” I shouted.

“Yes! I am responsible! If I hadn’t pulled you in the ocean that day, then nobody would have gotten hurt!” 

This was the second time she had raised her voice like that.

But this time was different.

Her face looked as if it had contorted in pain. She couldn't keep up a smile anymore, not even for the sake of appearances. 

Something was eating away at her. 

“This isn’t true, and-“

“Yukio! Listen to me!” This time she was the one to cut me off.

She drew a sharp breath.

“I guess it’s about time I let you know.”

“Let me… know?”

“I’m leaving. I’m moving to New York right after graduation.”

“Huh?” I uttered, having had the air verbally knocked out of my lungs. “Then… all those English lessons were for…?”

The english lessons. All those apologies. All those moments she spaced out, and finally all her failed attempts to tell me something.

That's what they were all about. I just failed to realize it...

My love for her, and my obsession to have fun while we can, had clouded my vision. I couldn't decipher the signals she was giving me all along.

Hana just nodded, her eyes already glistening beneath the moonlight.

“Why… now?” I asked, feeling a fresh gaping hole in my heart.

“Believe me, I tried to tell you before but... I just couldn't and something would always get in the way. But you’re leaving tomorrow. So I had to tell you, one way or the other. And as sweet as this thing between us was, it can’t go on.”

Her words pierced me like needles, and I felt a stinging pain inside my chest.

“What? No!” I protested. I had finally found her, and I had finally recovered my memories! I didn’t want it to end…

“You have to go back to Tokyo, and I will be moving permanently to the US.”

“I’ll come see you!!”

“You know how expensive the tickets for the plane are right?”

“I’ll get a job!”

“Yukio!” She shouted back at me, the loose tears in her eyes, finally escaping.

“I can’t do this. I just can't... I'm not...” She finally voiced and turned around. I could already see her shoulders shaking.

“You're not what…?” I suddenly felt the wetness in my eyes return.

Instead of speaking, she just muttered something to herself.

How could this be?

I had fallen in love with this girl. She occupied my every thought. And now that I knew, everything about my past, I found myself loving her even more.

But the distance, that was supposed to shrink between us, only got larger and larger with each passing second.

I couldn't even understand what she was saying.

Suddenly she felt so out of reach, despite being only an arm’s length away.

Could I bring her back towards me?

I HAD to try.

I had to tell her I loved her…

Mustering all my courage, I drew a breath…

“Hana I-“

“Stop!” She stopped me before I could finish.

“If you say that, there’s no going back. So please... don’t.”

“I don’t care if-“

“Yukio! Please…” She pleaded, her voice breaking in the face of her pain.

“Hana, why won’t you listen to me?!” I pleaded back, my own cheeks stained with salty tears.

“I can't, Yukio. Goodbye!” She simply voiced, and rushed down the hill, and onto the steps.

“Hana!” I shouted, and stretched out my hand.

But my palm only caught air.

She was too far away for me to reach.

“Damn it… Why am I always the only one kept in the dark...? ” I muttered, holding back tears.

“DAMN IT ALL!!” Unable to contain this surge of emotions rushing through my heart, I shouted up the heavens.

Who was I, and where was I headed?

My second personality, born from my memories, clashed with the former one.

And the only person who knew, and loved both, was now running down that hill, back home.

I stood there in silence, taking in the night sky.

But I wasn’t really looking.

My head was filled with countless thoughts. Thoughts I couldn’t make heads or tails of.

And then, with a hissing sound, an orb of light took to the sky.

Together with a swell of an explosion, a colorful flower bloomed in the night sky.

As if it were mocking my very existence, its shine lingered in the sky, before it faded.

And then another took its place.

And another.

The sky was filled with colors, and lights, but I had no interest in them whatsoever.

They simply felt like, an annoying display of lights and sound, that disturbed even the chaos in my mind.

Instinctively, I looked down at my wrist.

This new piece of jewelry that I thought I’d cherish, now felt so insignificant, as it glowed with every new bang.

I had regained my memories. Yet still, I felt more hollow than ever.

The place Hana had held in my heart, made her absence feel like it was the end of the world.

Annoyed to my core, by the stupid flashing lights, I wiped my tears away. 

At that time… I had come to a realisation. Fireworks mean nothing, when you have no one to watch them with. 

With that thought, i descended the hill towards my house.

My house?

It wasn’t even mine to begin with.

Maybe I didn’t belong here, after all.

When I got back, I switched off my phone and tried to sleep.

But of course, that was easier said than done.

Every time I closed my eyes, I could see it all play back in my mind.

Hana. Me. Our time together.

The pleasant memories we made together with everyone, now stung like burns, that set my soul ablaze, and burned me to my core.

And the most painful part, is we didn’t even stop to realize that we were making memories. We were just having fun.

Fun… That very notion felt so far away, now that Hana wasn’t by my side.

To be continued…