Operation Friendship 101

Today’s UN Training --- Master the art of fake friendship

Is the ability to make friends a rung on the ladder to the top of the world? According to Akihiro Tani, that would be a resounding no. To him, true friends serve to get in the way of ambition, whereas fake friends can be put in place solely to achieve it.

We hear it all the time from presidents, prime ministers, congressmen and congresswomen. They like to say that they are friends with their colleagues, but in reality they wouldn’t pee on one if they were on fire. They treat their constituents even worse. So knowing that, Tani made a very specific decision to cut off the friends he had in the final year of middle school, and has been alone ever since. The only relationships he’s had with others from that point forward was transactional or fabricated to benefit his goals.

But with the return of empathy comes a very distinct challenge to such a rigid form of existence. It is what allowed Emilia Mazzoli to join the Languages club, and he is now forced to confront the lost ability that was geared towards forming genuine relationships, and transfer knowledge of a time before his journey to the top solely for her benefit.

If he’s to find a way to teach her, he must be reminded of why he threw it all away.

---------------------------------

Friday afternoon, the last day of the Languages Club’s first week of existence. There is a surprising lack of urgency in the clubroom this time around. It could perhaps be due to the addition of the second member, or it could be the uniqueness of this particular member’s situation that has served as a welcome distraction from the looming quandary of finding three more to join in just one week's time. Either way, at this moment it is a problem not worried about.

Abruptly dropping a stack of papers stapled together on the large U shaped desk, resident high school staff sergeant Akihiro Tani attempts to impose his authority on his newest member. Emilia Mazzoli glares at the papers, and emotes a gaze that neither broadcasts reluctance or even a remote curiosity as to what it contains.

“Operation ‘Make Emilia Friends’ begins now.” Tani proclaims.

Emilia looks up to him and asks, “Are my friends supposed to be in this pile of paper?”

“Of course not, but the answers to all your woes is in there. I’ve compiled studies of friendship gurus all the way to clinical phycologists on the tactics used to build relationships, and I’ve put it in an easy to read form.”

The pile of papers is obnoxiously thick, the lettering and bullet points are even more obnoxiously small.

“I don’t even need to flip a page to know that this is not easy to read.”

Tani pushes up his glasses and tilts his head back before saying, “Ha! Such a commoner thing to do, shrinking away from the challenge of knowledge.”

Even though Emilia seems to struggle to show any emotion, a flicker in her green eyes reveals that his insult hit home.

Tani is too busy patting himself on the back to notice.

“But!” He says, expelling an exaggerated sigh of resignation in the process. “Anita has shown me that my method of teaching won’t work for everyone, so I’ve taken it upon myself to request her help in giving you another option to learn.”

“Is that so?”

“The problem is, I believe that the second option will be much slower. It is my humble recommendation that you choose option one and read through my papers, prepare yourself to take copious notes and---”

“Second option please.” Emilia interrupts, raising her little hand in the air to support the emphatic rejection of his proposal.

Tani clears his throat to dispel his offense.

“Very well then.”

He turns to Anita, who jumps at the ready upon receiving his gaze.

“Operation ‘Friendship 101’, commence!”

Anita solutes him and dashes to the blackboard in front of the clubroom; grabbing a piece of chalk, she gets to work.

“You know, Akihiro-senpai…” Emilia says, looking at the spectacle unfolding in front of her. “I’m starting to think you’re not actually equipped to teach me how to make friends.”

“Ha! I’ll have you know, I was once lousy with friends, but you see Emilia-san, I have evolved to the point of no longer needing them. Some might even consider me an expert in relationships with other people for accomplishing such a feat.”

“....”

Anita is doodling two life sized stick figures on the blackboard. Her artwork surprisingly lacks any form of talent, and the fact that her pretty hands could create such choppy caricatures feels akin to some sort of crime. Nonetheless, upon completion, Anita turns around and blasts forth a triumphant smile as though she had just accomplished a grand mission.

“Tadaa!” she says, gesturing towards her handiwork.

“Emilia-san, I want you to treat these two stick figures like they’re the most popular kids in school.”

“But…”

“But what?”

“They look silly.”

“All people look silly, Emilia-san. That’s the point, you should never be intimidated by silly people. So Anita’s drawings are perfect training partners.”

Emilia’s face doesn’t waver, but a little bead of sweat forming on her forehead underneath her bangs portrays dejection at the prospect of interacting with these hideous works of art.

“...I guess I can try.”

“That’s the spirit!”

Tani’s excitement bleeds into Anita, who nods her head in agreement even though she can’t understand him.

“Okay, so first, I want you to address the drawing of the girl Sally, and repeat after me.”

“...Alright.”

“Yo Sally! Did you color your hair? You look so cute!”

“Ugguuh~…”

A moan of discomfort escapes her lips.

“Just try it, put some emotion in your voice for this. Friends love compliments.”

“Y-Yo Sally…”

“Wait.” Tani interjects. “You’re not addressing Sally, you’re looking right at Bob.”

“Bob?”

Tani points to the other stick figure on the right and says, “Yeah, you won’t ever make a friend if you can’t even compliment the right person.”

“Akihiro-senpai, surely you aren’t telling me the two stick figures don’t look exactly the same?”

“Emilia-san, all people look the same, it’s how you treat them that distinguishes one from the other.”

“This is a cruel joke.”

“No, this is training. Training!”

Emilia shakes her head and says, “I can’t possibly compliment those horrible drawings.”

Anita’s golden gaze bounces off them as they interact as though she were at a tennis match watching a rally, her head’s sudden movement to the left and right swaying the ribbons in her hair. She seems to be awaiting evidence that her efforts in this project are being put to use.

“Ah, so you’ll dash Anita’s dreams of finally being useful.” Tani puts his hand over his forehead and swoons dramatically. “And there I was just yesterday, telling her how she actually does serve a purpose. How could either of us look her in the eyes after such a rejection!?”

Anita can hear her name being said, but sensing the energy shifting in a direction she wasn’t hoping for, the clenched fists she once excitedly held in front of her chest begin waning. Emilia can see that Tani is intentionally being uncouth, but she lacks the social skills to protest it, especially when she looks at Anita’s steady deflation.

“.....”

And thus, Emilia freezes and turtles up within herself.

She is staring forward blankly, but any semblance of soul left in her eyes has escaped into a different realm.

“Ah! You’re doing that thing again!” Tani says, rushing to her and shaking her shoulders. “Snap out of it, I’m only kidding!”

Anita digs into her school bag, pulls out a folder and begins fanning Emilia in an attempt to get her back to her senses.

It took a few seconds, but light returns to Emilia’s eyes when she says, “OoKaaY YooUU Caan StoooP ShaaAAking Me NooOW.”

Tani halts his assault on her little shoulders and wipes his brow with the back of his hand with a sigh. Anita shifts her fanning from Emilia to Tani to help him cool down.

“We’ll go a different route then, Emilia-san.”

“...Okay.”

“Anita seems to like to change her hairstyle a little bit each day, why don’t you compliment her on that instead?”

Looking at Anita, Emilia notices for the first time that the gold tinted hair under the black ribbons she wears is actually styled just a little bit differently than yesterday. The way her bangs part on the left side of her forehead draws attention to her honey gold eyes as bright as stars plucked from the night sky.

Not one to make eye contact with people for long, Emilia finds her face feeling hot as she analyzes the features of the Norwegian girl in front of her.

“Um…” she says, turning her face away as though Anita were a blinding light. “That is even more difficult to do.”

“Are you saying Anita is as silly looking as the doodles?”

“No…”

“Then why?”

Emilia walks to Tani’s side and whispers, “Because she’s too pretty.”

“So it should be easy then, if you end up with pretty friends, complimenting them is as normal as saying hello.” Tani replies in a hush.

“I’m not sure it’s as simple as that.”

Tani hides how frustrated he is at her uncompromisable nature by taking a step away. Holding his chin and blowing a puff of air out of his nose, he says, “Then how about you try to compliment her in Italian?”

“Even though she can’t understand it?”

“Emilia-san, you most certainly know that Anita can’t understand Japanese either.”

“Really?”

“Are you serious??”

“Well…”

Emilia’s stunning lack of social awareness kept her from noticing that.

“You said you had friends back in Italy, I’m sure a lot of that had to do with how much easier it was for you to be expressive in your native tongue. Anita won’t understand what’s being said, but she could probably infer that you’re trying to compliment her if you do it in Italian.”

Emilia’s blank glare shifts from Tani to Anita, and then back to him.

“Okay, if you put it that way it’s not as embarrassing.”

“Give it your best shot!”

“Anita…” Emilia says, her cheeks progressively turning more and more red as though they were being pinched. “Mi piacciono molto i nastri tra i tuoi capelli.”

Even though it was a simple acknowledgment of the ribbons Anita wears in her hair, Emilia’s face is now a molten color; but the usual blank expression that permanently resides there has softened up and shifted.

“That’s much better!” Tani shouts, ignoring her discomfiture. “Even though you have a funny accent, I bet Anita could tell that you were being kind just by the slight movement of your eyebrows when you said that.”

Tani looks to Anita, who returns his glare with a confused tilt of her head. She has no clue what’s happening.

But Tani isn’t going to let Emilia know that, if he wants her to improve on her social skills he needs her to believe that she is actually improving.

“Wait.” Emilia says, holding her hand up to halt his excitement. “Did you just say that the accent of my mother tongue is funny?”

“It is, it’s very… how should I say, Sicilian?”

“Oh?” If anger could be expressed solely by energy, the room has just become radioactive. “And Akihiro-senpai from Tokyo is supposed to be able to pick up differences in Italian dialect?”

Tani puts his hands on his hips and puffs. “Akihiro Tani-senpai is an unparalleled genius, of course he can.”

“I want to hear yours then.”

“I would be glad to. What would you like me to say?”

“I would like you to compliment Anita as well.”

“Excuse me?” Tani asks in English, his brown eyes shrinking into a pea shape.

“You seem like you’re an expert at making friends, complimenting people, and speaking Italian. I’d like to see how easy those things really are for you. Tell Anita what you like about how she looks in Italian.”

“W-Well…” Tani squirms and averts his gaze. “It’s not like she’d understand anyways.”

“Did you not just tell me that she could at least infer what you’re trying to say?”

Tani wears his discomfort like a wool blanket on a hot day. His pride is the only thing allowing him to even consider doing something so embarrassing, and he regrets how pompous he was when talking about once having friends and doing things that normal friends do.

It’s been years since he’s last had a friend, so with that under consideration, it should come as no surprise that he has long lost the ability to give someone a genuine compliment. It’s just like Emilia had said, he’s not equipped to be teaching her on a topic he’s equally as unfamiliar with.

However, our ambitious high schooler has worked very hard to remain composed under any situation that doesn’t involve direct physical pain, so he is able to look to Anita and begin the process of doing what Emilia wants him to in his own calculated way.

“Anita.” Tani says, his voice reaching the ears of the confused girl causes her to perk up in anticipation.

Tani can’t help but notice just how striking Anita’s physical appearance is, and uncontrollable thoughts begin to invade his mind.

Starting with her hair, he subconsciously takes in the electrical signals his eyes are sending into his brain.

(She has really nice hair, today’s hairstyle is especially good. It must take her quite a bit of time to get ready in the morning. But if she’s an ojou-sama, maybe a stylist does it for her?)

Making his way down, his gaze lands on her face.

(You know, she really has perfect skin. I wonder what facial products she uses to keep up that complexion?)

His eyes steadily lower to her delicate looking shoulders.

(I always figured that girls from Scandinavian countries would have much bigger frames. She’s actually just as dainty as anyone you’d see here in Japan.)

They then land on her chest.

(...Except there.)

His dissecting glare makes its way down to her legs.

(Those black leggings sure do suit her. I’m surprised I've never noticed how well she is able to style herself under our school’s uniform regulations. If anyone ever tried to make her change the way she dresses, I would take it upon myself to ruin their life. )

Really diving into how she looks, Tani is now faced with information overload. He has no idea what exactly is appropriate to tell her about. 

So when his eyes make their way back up to her face, those racing thoughts are abruptly halted upon seeing Anita blushing and averting her golden eyes away from him. He didn’t take her feelings into consideration when it was decided that either he or Emilia would compliment her on her physical appearance; since she can’t understand the topic of conversation she has no idea under what pretenses she’s been subject to this objectification.

“A-Ah Anita… Um.” Tani scratches his head and wracks his brain for a word she can understand. “Beklager.”

Anita purses her lips, her flushed face not dissipating at all despite his Norwegian apology.

Her reaction has the panicking effect of pushing Tani to quickly get this challenge over with in the most straightforward way possible. If he can’t decide what exactly to compliment her on, the best course of action would be to sum it all up. He takes in a deep determinative breath and says,

“...Sei bellissima.”

As if suddenly realizing that he’s whipped out an atomic bomb of a declaration, his body freezes in shock. As confident as he’s trying to portray himself, the choppy and robotic way in which he turns towards Emilia outwardly displays otherwise.

“S-So! How was that?” Tani asks with a sheepish grin.

Emilia is very surprised he had the courage to say something like; her red cheeks signify vicarious embarrassment on his behalf.

“It was very Roman.”

Tani is loosening his tie as though he's trapped in a sauna. There’s no doubt that Emilia could see that he’s not much different than she is when it comes to social interactions like this.

“Aha, because the location of the center of Italian government is in Rome." His defense mechanism alters his speech pattern. "Ahaha, I studied the Roman dialect when I learned Italian after all, so that should be no surprise. Ahahaha.”

However…

“Akihiro-senpai, you’re amazing.”

“Mi scusi?” he asks in Italian.

“You really are a friendship master. I would have died if I said that to someone’s face.” Emilia bows to him. “Teach me your ways, Sensei.”

If it were anyone else saying this, Tani would assume she is being facetious. Because it’s her, he is able to dispel his shamefaced expression and restore his arrogance with the ease of a cartoon villain that lucked his way into accomplishing an outrageous scheme.

“Ha! I guess I can do that, it would be awfully low of me if I didn’t walk you through such simple steps. Ha ha ha!”

“Tani.” Anita’s smooth voice snatches their attention. “Emilia.”

She points to the blackboard, and what is written down in large bold letters does enough to take their breath away.

‘Grazie'

“Wait a second…” Tani says, absentmindedly taking a startled step away from her. “Are you telling me you understood what we said?”

He turns to Emilia as if to confirm his suspicion, and finds the little Italian girl’s soul floating above her body. She has realized that her compliment was understood, and as a result has shrunk into the deepest darkest pit within herself to hide.

Never in Tani’s life has he wanted more than to be able to do the same. The sweat falling from his temple is pushing him towards an unflattering jumble of malaises from which he has no prospect of escape. If Anita is thanking him for the compliment, is it simply because she could sense that he and Emilia had said something nice about her? Or could it mean that she knew exactly what it was he said? 

If the latter ends up being the case, there isn’t any amount of explaining with the translator app on his phone to spin it around. From this point forward she’ll totally know how he sees her.

Anita will know that Tani thinks she is beautiful.

The thought of it is physically affecting him to the point that he’s struggling to breathe, he begins to loosen his tie once more. Tani is reading the smile Anita is so graciously sending back his way as if it were a deadly weapon pointed at him.

There’s only one way his instincts are screaming to react.

“I... I gotta step out for a second!”

He runs away.

Leaving a frozen Emilia and a befuddled Anita behind in a dustbowl of his fleeing gale, the Languages club president has set off into the hallways of Kokusai to regroup.

Today’s UN Results --- Fake friendships have very real consequences!