Whatever It Takes

I wanted to die

This family was going to be the end of me, I was certain of it. It was like I was fated to be tormented by the two brothers from the moment I had the misfortune of meeting both of them.

Okay, I know I might be overreacting a little bit but it was an effort to even keep my feet in place as I approached Karuizawa-sensei’s desk in the teachers’ office. I was grateful to him for covering up for both me and Kajiura the next morning of our getaway but even thinking how he had seen us sleeping together on the ground…I wanted to scream my lungs out and ran away without looking back or ever returning to the school!

The memory of Kajiura’s body clinging onto mine so tightly that when we had to let go I whimpered at the loss of warmth and comfort I had grown accustomed to throughout the night, made my face burn up to the tips of my ears. I really wasn’t helping myself calm down with what was going through my mind. I turned around and was ready to walk away when Karuizawa decided to make my day worse as he usually did without even wanting to or giving some thought to what he was doing.

“Oh, Aihara! Good evening! What brings you here?” He greeted with his too-loud-for-comfort voice and I felt like tackling him until he promised to never bring anyone else in a difficult position again or stop talking like he was shouting to someone far away. The irritating volume of his voice entrapped you, made you feel like you couldn’t get away from him even if you really wanted to. It made everyone’s attention turn to you and wait for your action as a reply to his waving hand.

I took a deep but sharp breath doing my best to not look at the teachers around us before taking off at a sprint and grabbing his arm dragging him out with me.

“Who would have guessed! Aihara, I didn’t know you had feelings like those for me and for you to be the assertive type! I’m-” I looked up to him with blazing eyes so narrowly closed that they resembled slim but fine blades. I had hoped that taking him by surprise was enough to render him speechless for even a short amount of time but it seemed that he never knew when to stop bubbling. And he was so loud and obnoxious that now all the students that were passing by were looking at us. I seriously wanted to kill him!

“Just shut. up.” I grunted between gritted teeth and that seemed to do the trick. Although he was still wearing that happy-go-lucky expression that made me want to punch him square in the face and wash it away. I let out a breath trying to calm down and show him that this was serious. I made sure that nobody could overhear us and said “This has to do with your brother”

His eyes opened wide and before I could feel relieved that he seemed to be paying attention to what I was talking about, he parted those damn lips of his and let out another wave of useless words.

“Awful! Simply awful of you, Aihara! Leading me on like this when all you wanted was my little brother!” He began his dramatic performance once again but I did manage to notice a slight crack to his facade. Not many people were aware of him having a younger brother, let alone that it was Kajiura. He looked like he wanted to ask how much I knew but didn’t dare in fear of revealing something by mistake. He waited for me to take another step and ascertain his speculations.

“I really hate this part of both of you” I grumbled while rubbing my face with my palm. Having one drama-queen was taxing on itself but two of them? I’m not sure I could handle this much theatrics in one day. I was starting to get exhausted and we hadn’t even touched upon the topic of interest. There was no reason to take detours. I would cut straight to the chase. “It's about his future”

His expression changed instantly, not a hint of that carefree attitude from before. His features became sharp and his lips a thin line. I didn’t flinch against his searching eyes but looked straight into them lifting my chin and holding my ground. I hadn’t been joking when I said that I was going to do everything in my power to help Kajiura with his ambitions.

“What do you know about him or his future?” He sounded interrogative with a protectiveness over Kajiura that I didn’t expect to see, let alone Kajiura himself. As far as he was concerned, his older brother didn’t give a damn about him or his life. The image in front of me couldn’t be furthest away from exactly that.

“You’re right. I know him very little, less than I wish to. I don’t have a say to his future but he definitely has! He needs to choose for himself how he is going to live his life” I clenched my fists and approached Karuizawa-sensei a bit more feeling the height difference but not being overwhelmed by it. I dare say, I even felt taller than him even if a little.

“It’s more complicated than that” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. I didn’t like this disdain for me and what I was talking about. It was like he thought of me as nothing more than a stranger, an outsider, a fan of Kajiura who watched him from afar and didn’t know anything about him. Well, I may be an outsider and I knew that we knew each other very little but it certainly wasn’t nothing, not for me and I was sure that it wasn’t for him either.

“It may be, that doesn’t mean that it should be left unresolved. People find solutions when they sincerely look for them” My voice didn’t quiver even as I felt myself trembling a bit. The blood was circulating so frantically in my veins that I felt like I would explode any minute now. I had never talked to someone I barely knew so openly and vulnerably, baring myself and my weaknesses in front of them, let alone a teacher. I was freaking out but there was a tingly sensation like electricity in the tips of my fingers that made me feel alive.

“You don’t know-...” But I did, I knew about his family. I didn’t care about the details, they were of no importance. Their single use was as dumb excuses binding them from doing what they truly wished to do. They had all made their decisions, good or bad it didn’t matter because they should be the ones living through the consequences. It was Kajiura’s turn to make his.

“Did you know he wants to be a psychologist? That he is amazing at analyzing people and their behaviors and that he helped me a lot with my own problems without asking anything in return?! Did you know that he is an amazing cook and has the worst sense of humor that’s likely a thing in your family but still he manages to make people around him laugh?!” He was about to say something but stopped like he had been zapped. We had moved to a slightly more quiet corridor but I still never intended to pour my heart out like that. I didn’t know what had gotten into me and sure as hell wasn’t going to stop. “Did you know that he doesn’t trust the concept of love?” It was apparent in his hasty relationships. Karuizawa-sensei flinched and opened his lips but I was faster. My face cracked in devastation and some stray tears fell from the corners of my eyes. “Did you know that he’s drowning?” He took a sharp intake of breath without even blinking. “And you all are the ones pushing his head underwater?” I couldn’t get over that fake smile plastered on his face 24/7 nor how their family meeting and the clothes they had made him wear, made him look like he was supposed to be someone else. I never wanted to see him like that again. Even when he seemed free, there was always something holding him back. He hesitated to be completely open and I couldn’t and wouldn’t blame him.

“I…” He looked down. “I didn’t know” He finally admitted and his shoulders slumped like a huge rock had been put on top of them. We stayed like that in silence for some moments that he needed to register everything that I had just said. Finally, he lifted his head with a determination I had never seen in his eyes and was so not like him.

“I’ll do something about it” He said and for the first time, I started noticing parts of his face that actually seemed awfully familiar. The shape of his nose, the colour of his eyes and that weird quirk on his lips. They were different but the same. They really were brothers.

“What are you doing here?” Kajiura’s sharp voice made us both snap our heads to his direction and see him visibly upset and irritated. I wanted to say something to make him realize that his brother wasn’t as bad as he thought but it wasn’t my place and I had no idea what had happened between them to make him look at Karuizawa-sensei like that. I had done too much talking for today anyway. I needed to recharge before I talked to another human being.

“Kajiura you won’t believe this! Aihara just confessed to me!” I was a bit thankful at him for trying to lighten the mood and not referring to our conversation. His usual-but now I knew it was fake-voice was back and his whole posture changed entirely.

Kajiura rolled his eyes and moved forward to take my hand.

“Yeah right, old man!”

“Does every girl in this school have to want you? And be careful how you talk to your teacher!”

“Yeah yeah” Kajiura preferred it that way. Pretending that they weren’t related, they were simply teacher and student. And Karuizawa went along with it for his sake.

Any word that was ready to escape my lips was snuffed out when I felt how clammy his hand was on mine and he threw me a pleading look to go away from there. I nodded slightly and didn’t look while we left. I only made a threatening gesture with my hands in case Karuizawa-sensei forgot about his promise and I thought I heard him chuckle. Could be my imagination though.