Confession

To say I was panicked was an understatement.

Karuizawa had hinted that there had been a discussion about Kajiura’s future in their family and the next day, Kajiura had asked to meet me after school. I had specifically requested that my name not be referred to when his brother asked how he had known about his dream and what had brought this on but I was sure that my teacher was so useless that he hadn’t been able to keep his mouth shut.

I had met up with Kajiura and we were walking towards an unknown destination for quite some time now. He was terribly silent and he had glanced at me once with incredibly serious eyes before turning his gaze to the ground and keeping it there.

I sighed. He was furious with me. It was obvious. Maybe his family meeting hadn't gone well, maybe I was the reason that the already strained relationship with his family grew worse and his parents might have started fighting all over again. All this because of me, nothing more than a stranger who knew nothing and felt obnoxious enough to meddle with business that was nothing of her own. He had every right to be angry with me. No matter how much it hurt to have him look at me or think about me like that. I had done this of my own volition and I should face the consequences.

A whimper left my lips in the thought that he might never forgive me and regret being my friend altogether. Friend. Heh. I must be so pathetic to even settle for something like that when I was already aware that it wasn’t enough, not enough at all.

Why did it take him so much time to just say what he wanted and why did we have to immigrate to do so? He couldn’t do this in school? Was it going to be that bad?

I looked up at him to shout with my mind Out with it already! but my breath was held captive by the scenery around us. He really was a freak if he had selected a place like this only to chew me out. My eyes looked around frantically trying to capture the entirety of the natural beauty around us. It wasn’t something much but it definitely was something.

We were walking down a street that was surrounded by cherry blossom trees from both sides in full bloom. The sunlight was sparkling between the leaves and the flowers, and some of the cherry blossoms were flying off their branches by the light breeze passing by and floating above our heads providing us with their sweet scent and beautiful image. I was no poet but I could tell when something was so poetic that even my dry mind started coming up with words it would have never thought of were it not for this exact moment.

It took me a second to realize that we had halted. I heard his footsteps slowing down before they paced up and walked up a flight of stairs. I had been blindly following him so I moved towards the marble staircase but he quickly lifted his arm.

“Don’t!” His abrupt voice made me flinch and freeze exactly where I was. I blinked now realizing where we stood and our difference in height. “Stay where you are” He pleaded with a fragility that I had never heard from him and my heart ached. Had it really gone that bad? Had I ruined everything for him instead of fixing it? Did he despise me that much that he didn’t want me to be near him?

It took me another moment to hear his words and understand that he was talking. My ears were filled with the sound of my own heart breaking into a million pieces. I swallowed hard and tried to ignore the burning of my eyes. I needed to hear everything that he had to say. I owed him that much.

“I know that we had a promise…but I can’t uphold it” His body was almost shaking as bad as his voice. His image became blurry and I belatedly noticed that my eyes were filled with the tears I fought to keep under control and my own body was rocking to his rhythm. He might be justified to say anything he wanted but I wasn’t ready to listen to it. I didn’t think I could take it without breaking down or falling apart. I didn’t want to make him feel worse or put pressure on him but I just couldn’t shake away this feeling, this excruciating pain. “I can’t wait for you to be first!” He almost shouted with as much strength as he had. I felt his heart leaping out of his chest to come and find mine. I looked up right at the moment when he did and I saw his face looking at me earnestly. The sun was creating a halo behind his head which shone in all shades of gold. He had been a shooting star in the night of our escapade but right now as he stood in front of the Torii Gate, he was a kami of sunlight. My knees buckled and it took everything in me to not lose balance and fall face-first to the ground when everything inside me felt like jello.

“Wh-what?” I managed but he didn’t hear me. He was so caught up in his thoughts and what he wanted to say that he started talking with incredible speed, as if afraid that if he stopped to even take a single breath, he wouldn’t be able to do it.

“You didn’t judge me for my relationships even though you saw most of them up close and every other person would! You agreed to become my friend even knowing my reputation and realizing that most of what they said was true! You joked and talked to me like I was a normal person- or not so much a normal person- but like you saw me for me and nothing less or more. You came to save me! You escaped with me in the middle of the night and listened to me like what I said mattered! You stayed all night with me, curled up against my chest and-Okay! I’m joking, don’t look at me like that! You believed in me and now I can follow my dreams because of it” My face was burning like hell and I was afraid that if I tried to touch my cheeks I would only find bone and muscle because my skin must have melted off at such temperatures. I didn’t know if that dread I felt was more due to the things he was saying or the fact that he was shouting them out loud for everyone passing by to hear. I suddenly was thankful that we were so far away from school and my home. Until a moment ago, it felt like my heart would break from pain but right now, every word he said filled it with so much warmth that it would burst out at any minute. I didn’t know what to do. How to react. What to say. And even though I expected the following words after listening to what he had to say, it still made me feel so weak and vulnerable when he said it. He was panting for some seconds before he took a deep breath and so much as whispered “I like you”

It was like a whole new world opened up in front of me. Things that I would have never known, experienced or felt if nobody had ever said those words to me. It is different to like someone, it is different when someone likes you and it is hella different when they like you back. I was swept by a strong wind. I felt like I was hit by a rainbow of colours. Like the ground had been ripped off my feet and now I was constantly falling. I felt weak and liquid and strong as steel. I cowered away from the revelation but I felt so brave because of it. My senses were on alert and it was as though I could understand things that seemingly had never been there before. I looked at him and saw something different entirely. 

Only then did I notice his own vulnerability. His eyes were the softest shade of caramel. What it must have been like to open up first and bare your heart when you had no idea of what the other person felt. I wanted to do this first? When a moment ago I thought he resented me? Yeah, right! There was no way in hell I could manage to do what he did. He who looked for quick affairs with no attachment because after his parents’ relationship, the notion of love had lost its value and had become something scary that could only hurt you and give nothing in return, had decided to take a leap of faith with me. And what did I say in return?

“Oh, bummer! I told you that if, I repeat if, this ever happened, I wanted to be the first one to say it” Yeap. You heard that right. Nope. It isn’t a bad dream from which you are going to wake up soon. That’s exactly what I said before I added. “Oh, well. We can always redo this and I’m going to be first. Act like none of this ever happened” I had no idea what type of demon had taken over my body but I moved my hand nonchalantly like what I was talking about was no big deal and turned around to start walking away. Maybe more like run away.

“What? Are you serious right now?” He was broken, shocked and a tad irritated. Magnificent.

“I’m always serious. You’re the one who’s always joking around!” When it had formed in my mind, I thought it would be considered enough for him to leave me alone. Now that I heard the words leave my mouth? Not such a good idea after all. I had not only hurt him but destroyed exactly what he praised me for. I talked to him like anyone else would, not understanding what’s beneath.

“Do I look like I’m joking right now?” He was so weak that I wanted to cry but I didn’t turn around because I knew I couldn’t take it and said the next worst thing.

“With you nobody can really know.”

“Why are you doing this? Just why? I saw your eyes when I talked to you. I saw so many things in them but not…this” It sounded like he either was about to cry or had already started. I resented myself. I still didn’t turn around.

“I…I don’t know that you’re talking about” The lump on my throat was growing bigger and bigger by the minute choking my words and not letting the air in. I was suffocating myself.

“You’re scared, I get it. You haven’t done something like this before and it’s hard but don’t-”

“Can’t you just go graduate already?!” I shouted as I finally faced him. I didn’t like it. Didn’t want to listen to him analyzing what I was trying to avoid, look away from. I was terrified but the unfamiliarity of a relationship and a situation like this wasn’t the reason why. I saw the understanding in his eyes coming right after his shock and as he was stepping away, he made to come near me when he got it. Unfortunately for him, the way he had chosen our positions wasn’t in his favor. I could run far away before he could go down the stairs.

“Kaida…” I almost shuddered as he called my first name for the first time, not sure of how to feel about it staying on his tongue and then his lips for a longer amount of time than the usual. I ran even faster. He would graduate and go away. Even if I tried to forget it, that thought was always on the back of my mind. I couldn’t handle it. I never hated the year I was born in more than right then.