Change… Is it?

Morning…

Realizing that, the first thing I did was to pull my blanket over my head so that I would be covered whole and protected from the cold. I didn’t want to leave my warm bed yet, and if possible, I wanted to be sandwiched between these fabrics for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

Every sunrise indicated a start of a new day, and as a high school student, I need to start preparing right now. I reached for my phone while my eyes were still shut and felt its shape somewhere near my pillow. I clicked the button then I opened my eyes to check the time, which was 7:47.

I had around 40 minutes before class, but I just resumed sleeping. I would just sit and do nothing if I arrived early anyway. I felt that only a minute had passed but I decided to check the time again. 7:57 AM.

“…I don’t want to go to school …I should just skip today,” I groaned.

Regardless of my desires, I pulled my blanket away in dramatic motion and jerked myself up in an instant. I feel like I would want to return to bed eventually if I did not do this otherwise. I left my bed as it was and went to open the curtains to let the bright light of the morning enter my dim apartment.

I yawned as I took my phone and checked my notifications and other updates on social media. After checking and clicking some that caught my interest, I went to wash my face and brush my teeth.

I had enough time to cook and eat. The only problem was that I still hadn’t cleaned the dishes from last night. If I were to start doing chores right now, maybe I would still have enough time but since I was a shitty, lazy bastard, I decided to leave it for the me tonight.

One of the pros of being a man was that we didn’t need much preparation when heading out. Doing basic necessities such as changing into my uniform and preparing my bag was enough.

The time was 8:06 AM.

There was still excess time so I unlocked my phone and clicked on a gacha game. Aside from the lore and clearing new stages, this game was pretty much casual. I farmed materials to kill time and when I consumed enough of my energy enough so that it would not be fully charged back before the lunch break, I closed it and looked at the time again.

8:11 AM

I still had less than 2 minutes to consume. I would walk to school for around 15 minutes, the remaining 2 minutes would be insurance. I tidied up the bed since I had the time before I lay down on it, spread my arms wide, and closed my eyes.

Yesterday was the start of a new school term and today was no different: I never had the energy to go to school. Even though I knew that this should not continue and that I should try to be more productive, I end up always starting my days this way.

I knew that of course that I should strive to change.

I knew…

But I never took action.

“Find some new stimulus, new experience. Make friends. Maybe join a club or something of the sort… Might help.”

I slowly opened my eyes, stared at the ceiling, and thought hard about the words she said to me. It was not long before I got up and picked up my stuff. The time was exactly 8:13 when I left my apartment and walked down the stairs from the second floor to the ground floor.

The way to school was something I had walked for more than I could count already, I was so familiar with it that I could afford to daydream as I dragged my feet to move forward. The subject of my thought this time was none other than the words Satori said to me yesterday.

Her advice was simple, something that I even I could blurt out whenever I want but something that I was never able to do in my past two years in this high school. Simply stating things and acting were worlds different apart after all.

Despite that thought, I was actually inspired a little to make some change today. What bothered me, however, was the fact that someone told me to act, and here I was planning to do it. If I was the one who told myself to act, would I try to?

I don’t think I would.

It won’t hurt to try though.

Eventually, I arrived at the school, and I was in the hallway when I was just several seconds away from the classroom when the bell chimed.

I pushed the door to the side as I looked inside the room. It seemed that I was the last to arrive again since my classmates were looking at me, the new arrival. Right now, their eyes were on me, but they would lose interest soon. If I were to greet them, right now would be the best chance.

I parted my lips as I breathed in.

“….”

But I ended up not speaking at all. My classmates resumed what they were doing.

I silently made my way to my seat in the last row. On my left was the person next to the window. His surname was Hirayama—I forgot his first name.

Most of my classmates call him a nerd and he was an awkward guy who was silent all the time. Aside from a few instances, the only time I would hear him speak was when he would recite in class, which obviously showed his lack of communication skills. His appearance also didn’t help with his unusually long bangs that covered both of his eyes.

Sitting on my right was a regular girl whose first name I also forgot. She was Tokido, a girl who would create a distance between us whenever we speak to her but still would reply nicely. She probably would not mind me greeting her so I tried thinking of what I should say.

“……”

On the second thought, I refrained from that idea.

I realized that she would probably find it weird that we were classmates for two years already and I would only greet her now. It seemed that she also didn’t notice my attempt which was a good thing.

Although I could speak and act just fine in front of others when they approach me first, I usually found it hard to start conversations with my classmates. In a sense, I was not any better than Hirayama.

My behavior in the class today was no different from usual. I tried to listen to the teacher as much as possible and took down notes whenever I hear something important. I also copy the things written on the board so that I would have references. All of these were necessary for me, a loner, to survive in academics. I had to do them, whether I liked it or not.

However, there were times when my attention would drift somewhere and this time, we were given this short math exercise activity. I could come up with a formula with equations in the blackboards as a basis, but they lacked the details which led to those inputs of numbers.

I looked to my left: Hirayama was writing silently.

Tokido on my right was scratching her head and seemed to have trouble with the problem too but she soon turned to the person beside her and asked something probably about the exercise. She then returned to her notebook and continued to write.

…Well, this is bad.

Hirayama was blocking his notebook unintentionally, so I switched my target to Tokido. Without being too obvious, I tried sneaking glances in her notebooks to gain clues. It was too far; I had no choice but to lean my head a little further.

I pulled it back immediately as her head shifted. A moment later, she looked my way.

“What?”

“…Nothing.” I averted my gaze casually trying to avoid the impression that I was either flustered or trying to cheat.

I looked at my notebook again.

Yep. This suck.

I gripped my pen, wrote the problem, and started to solve it my way. As I was solving, I felt unsure of my solution little by little until it accumulated enough for me to stop. There was no point in continuing since I would end up with the wrong answer anyway. The problem was solved by the teacher on the board, and as expected, my answer was wrong.

The bell chimed soon, signaling lunch break.

My usual routine during lunchbreak was to buy something in the cafeteria and eat it at my hang-out spot. Today, I bought two yakisoba bread to make up for my breakfast and a drink and after eating those, I spent the rest of the remaining time there and returned to the classroom when the afternoon classes were about to start.

The classes that followed were no different from the ones before it. I tried to listen as much as possible and noted some stuff. During breaks between classes, I would laze on my seat as I listen to various topics that my classmates were discussing or just use my phone.

Afternoon classes were always dull and made me sleepy, which in turn made classes seem to be longer than usual. After enduring the drowsiness that kept on assaulting me, finally, all classes for today had concluded.

“Make friends. Join a club.”

Satori’s words echoed in my head again.

I remained in my seat for minutes, thinking about the incident during the math period. It made me realize something. To be precise, I already knew of it, but this was the first time that it was shoved right into my face.

I rarely tried to initiate a conversation with my classmates so I had not noticed it until now but with two of my consecutive attempts failing, and one just outright dodging an opportunity to ask about the problem and talk with Tokido, I could no longer deny it. I was an even worse speaker than I thought.

It seemed that I was not able to do anything new today again.

Most of my classmates were already gone so I stood up and left the room but stopped right after I passed the doorway.

—The hallway never seemed more straightforward than ever.

If I turned right, it would lead to the shortest route to home and if I turned left, it would lead me to the clubrooms. It felt like it was making me choose between the options.

“Change… Is it?” Talking to myself, I whispered so that no one among the students would hear.

I looked at the right side of the hallway extending until the staircases that would lead to the ground floor. Beyond that would be the school gate and the ever-so-familiar way to my apartment. Next, I looked at the left side of the hallway which seemed like an alien that extended forever.

I looked down, and watched my unmoving feet, figuring out which direction they would choose. Slowly, I lifted my head again, turned left, and started to move towards it. This would be my last chance and the biggest of all the attempts I made today.

My steps were heavy, and I was not even sure if I should continue with this plan, but I still moved my legs forward—until I stopped moving them.

“They look good for each other.”

“Maybe they are dating?”

“The student council members are really dignified.”

Various praises filled the hallway followed by some of the girls squealing.

In the center of the hallway, facing my direction, were the two most popular students in our school walking side by side. The male was the student council president, Hoshizora Makoto and the female was the vice president who was also my classmate, Sakurai Shizuka.

The people around admired them so much to make way for them whenever they pass. I, too, followed the norm and stepped to the side. Shizuka noticed me and met my gaze, giving me a brief smile as she gradually passed.

It didn’t matter whether they were a classmate, acquaintances, or stranger, acting like that to everybody was typical of her effortlessly and casually. The president on the other hand always seemed serious, but he was active on many fronts, and I could see him leading the student body with competence.

They were worlds different away from me.

I silently watched their backs as they gradually disappeared into the corner of the hallway. The student also resumed what they were doing. I was the only one who stayed still for several seconds before I turned around again to head to the clubrooms.

…

But I did not move from there.

I could only stare at the alien-like hallway, uncertainty filling my mind. My feet were telling me to move, and I didn’t need to look down to see which side it would choose anymore.

…Tomorrow, for sure.

Exhaling the air I unconsciously held inside my chest, I started to walk home.