What I Love, Who I Am

I’m crying in front of Anata. I never thought I’d meet her, and now I’m crying in front of her. I never thought I’d cry in front of someone again, and now I’m doing it in front of Sumire Anata. By all accounts, this event shouldn’t be happening. But it is. And I am.

Of course, this isn’t really Anata I’m crying in front of. Anata would say something. Pat you on the back. Tell a joke. Cleo isn’t that kind of person. All I can see is the carpet, but I know she’s staring down at me. She’s probably very uncomfortable. I don’t entirely care, for some reason. The thoughts and feelings rushing to the top of my overfilled head are cumbersome and covered in thorns. Every regret, every ugly feeling, everything I couldn’t admit- it’s become restless. And now, it’s all breaking out. Breaking out of this stupid head I keep under lock no matter who comes knocking. And as soon as I’m enraptured by those feelings, they’re all wiped away when I remember the crisis at hand. She knows. Maybe she even knew all along. Either way, the connection I feel to this person has just become real- not in the sense that I love her, but in the manner that now the secret’s out, it really does feel like I’ve known her for longer than I actually have, and it’s eliciting some sort of raw emotional response. Before, that feeling was enjoyable, numbed by secrecy and excitement. Now it is more painful than the heat of the sun.

“Roscoe. I don’t want to have this kind of power over you. I’m still only me. Please, just get up. Get up already.” The woman says from above me.

“I can’t move- I can’t think- Cleo… I’m very… afraid of a lot of things… t-this… is one of them…”

“What is? The fact that I’m here right now? The fact that none of this is a dream? The fact that I’m looking at you?”

“Y-yes… god, yes, that…”

“Roscoe… I’ve met you as yourself, and you’ve met me as Cleo. Don’t be embarrassed to be yourself in front of me just because now I know what’s going on here. You knew I was Anata all along, yet you still managed to be at least pretty normal around me before, yeah? So where’s that Roscoe? Where’s the Roscoe who watched Silver Boy with me? Where’s the Roscoe I like?”

“P-please don’t… say you like me… you’re a… Cleo, you’re a-“

“I’m just your neighbor, GODDAMNIT! I ain’t your idol anymore and I sure as hell ain’t a god or any other such nonsense. My name is Cleo, and I’m your friend. So don’t get all weird on me! You’re gonna talk about what’s troubling you and we’re gonna figure it out because we like being around each other, isn’t that right? I mean, what, now that I caught onto you, are we done? Aren’t you my friend, Roscoe?”

“I- I don’t deserve… to be friends… with Sumire Anata. And I definitely… don’t deserve to be friends… with Cleo.”

“And why not, Roscoe. Why the hell not?”

“I’m… a liar… and a coward… and I’m… a loser. I don’t like… being this person. When people talk to me, it hurts afterward. Because I know I’ve let them down. And I know I’m not really the person I want to be.”

“Yeah? Yeah, is that right? Well listen here kid- I wasn’t even close to being the person I liked my whole life! No matter what I tried, I couldn’t connect with a single person! I tried being good, I tried being likable- I tried everything! I tried dating Seth, for god’s sake! And you know what? None of that worked… ‘cause I couldn’t accept who I really was in the first place. I did wanna like people, Ross. Thought I did. Just like you, I thought I wanted someone to take me off into the sunset, and fix every little thing that was wrong with me. But… in the end, the only thing that wasn’t right was how much I hated myself. You think I wanted to be me? Roscoe, being yourself is the hardest thing you could be. So I fought the only way I could. I carved out so many identities for myself I nearly forgot who I was. I went all over the place, met a million people, some I hated, some I loved, though none in the way I expected to- and, eventually, I ended up as an anime girl on the internet! You know how crazy that is? I would’ve never expected that to be the answer to all my problems! And you know what? It wasn’t! Not totally! But it made me feel proud. Gave me one thing I could like. And that, Roscoe, is all you need. Just. One. Thing. Surely, somewhere in you, there is something you like. About yourself… about the world… anything. Kid, if you can find that… I think even you can do anything.”

In her flurry of words, I had lost the time to cry. My action points all drained out by her speech, I now sit on my knees in front of her, looking at how red her face has gotten. Can’t be much better than mine. I wipe my face with my sleeve, and stand up, just so I can look at her better. She’s still taller than me, but it’s less pressure on my neck this way. I never… noticed how similar we were. Maybe we really were soulmates… just in a very different kind of way.

“Cleo… do you really mean all that? About… being my friend?”

“I might stream with a 2D model instead of my face, but I ain’t a liar. And you aint either, kid. If anything, you suck at lying. Isn't that right?”

“Y-yeah, I guess so.” I manage to let out, choking up. “I just mean to say… I really appreciate all that. I… always appreciate when people like you are nice to me. I just wish… I could do that too. For myself.”

“You can, Roscoe. You just need to… take some time. Think about things. There’s a place for you in this world, just like there’s a place for you in this neighborhood, and by extension my life. And even if we get confused about that place sometimes, that doesn’t mean it isn’t out there somewhere. So… kid, for now… just go. Trust me, we all need our space. Try and really think about what you want. I know… that somewhere in you, there's something you love more than anything else. Do me a favor… and find it.”

I smile at the woman in front of me, holding my shoulders as she explains this crazy world as best she can. I know it’s sad, but I really do love her. Just not at all how I thought I did.

When I arrive at home, dinner has already begun. Dad and Mylie are eating fast food, probably little annoyed at how long I took to show up- but they still got me a burger, even if it might be getting a smidge cold by now.

“S-sorry I’m late…”

“Ha!” Dad laughs, surprising me. “My very own recluse son, late for dinner! What’s the world coming to, huh?”

“Dad threatened to order you the girl’s meal.” Mylie teases.

I laugh, and sit down with them in the same seat I’ve been sitting in for years. A bit of familiarity in a time of great change is all it takes to make someone the happiest person on earth, at least I think so. Either way, the three of us around the ovalular dark brown wood table like this feels so nice. I’m enraptured by the overwhelming sensation that this is exactly the place I should be right now, at this moment.

“Roscoe…” Mylie starts up again. “Have you been… uh, crying?”

“Oh.” I rub my face, sensing the pressure beneath my eyes. “Y-yes, I suppose so. It was an… uh- emotional day.”

“Emotional?” Dad asks. “You ask that college girl next door out already or something?”

“No, no! Nothing like that. Er… not exactly. Tell you what, it’s complicated.”

“Most things are. Though I will say… met the lady at the party on the fourth, and I just couldn’t stop thinking… Does her voice ring a bell for anyone else? I dunno, maybe it was just me… but I get the feeling I’ve heard that laugh somewhere before.”

“I dunno!” I quickly answer. “Maybe you’re psychic.”

“Huh. Never thought of that before. Maybe I am…”

“Don’t take him seriously, dad.”

“Okay, okay! Geez, you could let a man dream now and then…”

“So…” Mylie pipes up. “Either of you find any work?”

I look at dad. We’re both taken aback by my sister’s words. My dad looks back and forth betweeen the two of us before questioning her.

“How’d you know we were…”

“Oh, come on. I have ears, dad! I heard everything.”

“Oh. Well, uh… sheesh. And you aren’t… well, you’re taking it okay? I planned to let you in on the whole situation later, I really did…”

“I’m not scared or disappointed in the slightest. Like, if anything, my anxieties about our wellbeing are a lot calmer now. Dad… I had thought you could probably pay the bills through what you do, but… that doesn’t explain how you were able to buy me so many cosplays on my birthday each year….”

“Uh… huh.” Dad scratches the back of his balding head, bashfully. “Well… maybe I’m not the best financial advisor for this family, but… what I did I did outta love. That counts for somethin’, don’t it? Haha!”

Mylie can’t help but laugh too. “Yeah, but… look, if you need me to give anything up, I can…”

“No, no. You know… I don’t regret a damn thing! Even if I put us in a tough spot… well, would you really have wanted all this time to go any differently? I think I’m pretty pleased with how our time together so far has turned out.”

“Yeah. But still, that doesn’t answer my question… did you two find anything today? Not that I expect you to get hired on such a short notice…”

“I, uh…” I start. “I looked around, and I think I learned a lot about some potential places that could hire me… but I’m still looking for the right line of work. Maybe it is a tad stupid, but… I think I wanna find something at least a little special. Is that alright by you, dad?”

“If you can manage it, anything legal’s fine by me. Son, I’m not really gonna care what you’re doing if it’s letting you help pay our bills at age seventeen. I’ll be happier than a tornado in a trailer park if you could manage that.”

“Alright then. I’m gonna think really hard, then. I promise I’ll figure out what it is that I want.”

“Don’t sweat it too much. After all… your old man did find himself some leads.”

“Really, dad?” Mylie asks.

“Mhm. Have you heard of…” In a single breath, dad began to list off almost every business in town I’d ever heard of, as well as plenty I hadn’t. Apparently he’d scoured the real world and internet alike for openings all day, tracking down every single one he thought he might fit into. I dunno whether to be impressed or scared. By the time he’s done, he looks almost tired.

“Aaaand that about does it. Not too shabby, eh? I’m sure at least one of those’ll be the one. Woah! Ross, you ate all that food already? You’ve been here for what, a few minutes?”

“Sorry… I… well, I’ve been looking for jobs all day too, and… heh, kinda forgot to eat, I guess. I can’t believe you managed with how much more it sounds like you did today, though.”

“Oh, you’ll get better at managing your time as you get older. One of the perks of it, I guess.” He smiles.

When dinner ends, I find myself in my room again. Okay. My search isn’t over just yet. Of course. I won’t be searching the town or even my computer. I’ll have to dive into my very head… my very heart, to find out just what it is I want.

I lie on the ground, gazing up into a vortex of colors ending in the flat white of my ceiling. Guess I never put any posters up there. It’s kind of funny. Usually, in rooms like mine, no surface is spared when it comes to decoration….

Oh. That reminds me.

I reach into my closest. Now that the secret’s out, I guess I can let my paranoias go. I feel like most of my progress in life has been doing that- fixing the steps I took in the wrong direction.

I put the pins back in my favorite ProdoTV English poster.

I just wish I could do things the other way for once- you know, take a step where I’m supposed to go? I want to be making forward progress, not fixing missteps my whole life. That’s the kind of person I want to be.

I set my Sumire Anata figure back inside my display shelf.

All I wish is that I knew how. I often feel like I hate everything- I don’t particularly like myself, I don’t have anything serious I’m interested in, and… well, I used to not even like people, though I guess that’s changed.

I put my prized ProdoTV Jacket back on the hanger I have on the wall.

Most people have hobbies, or things they like… I just have nothing. Nothing other people talk about. Nothing I participate in society for. Nothing legitimate. There’s nothing I like at all… is there?

I sit on the side of my bed.

Oh.

OH.

The next morning comes in an instant. I barrel down the stairs.

“Dad… hey, dad!”

The large man looks up from his newspaper, folded to the section for job openings.

“What is it, son?”

“This is…” I pant. “This is sudden, but can I invite some people over? I mean… a lot… a lot of people?”

“How... many we talkin’ here?”

“I wanna invite them all… all the friends I made this summer, dad.”