Clubbing

Thank god it was Friday. On nights like these, Makoto was typically snug as a happy bug in his bed, sipping on some coffee as he perused some choice literature, sometimes originating from under his bed, or swiping down mindlessly on generic social media apps as if gold lay hidden at the end, or finding new ways to annoy his sister, or squishing himself between his anime waifu body pillows.

Instead, he was currently squished between Akashi and Orochi in the back of a car. In the front was the captain Ebi in the driving seat and Nishinoya riding shotgun.

“Ayo another speed bump?!” Ebi exclaimed as he applied a sudden break, Makoto almost flying out of his seat if it weren’t for the seatbelt.

Makoto sighed. They were currently headed to some bar in Tokyo on a field trip to ‘practice their craft with the ladies’, as Ebi had put it.

“Man this road has more bumps than Gorou’s butt when he landed on that beehive,” Ebi muttered under his belt.

“I’d rather not know.”

“Yeah he had to air squat in the toilet for an entire week, it was rough. Hey, that reminds me, let me hand these to you guys before I forget,” said Ebi, opening the dashboard cabinet and pulling out a bunch of cards that he passed to everyone.

“What are these?” asked Makoto.

“Fake IDs of course, my dear Makoto. The club we’re visiting is for 20 and above only.”

Makoto looked at the card handed to him.

“Kakoto Matayama,” he muttered under his breath, reading out the name emblazoned on the card. “You sure these are good enough to fool the club security?”

“Most certainly,” Ebi replied, stopping at the red light. “They were custom made via Hyōdō Tonegawa himself. Or rather, through his connections. You can use these anywhere where the entry age is 20 or above.”

Orochi suddenly gripped his right hand first. “This is my first time at the club! Now is the time to evolve into my new form! No more shall I be the Orochi of the past. After tonight, I shall awaken as a new Orochi!” he exclaimed, his mind only thinking of what the night would entail. “And I will finally get laid!”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” warned Makoto. “It’s just gonna be a bunch of sweaty drunk people dancing the night away to midtier music. I’m not even sure why we’re going to such a loud place, there’s no way we’re going to get a lick of attention from girls there.”

“It may be true that this is not the best place to meet someone of the caliber of your future wife,” instructed Ebi, “but you all still lack significant female exposure. There are many types of girls out there in this world, and a lot of the hot ones can only be met at places like thi– HEY YOU MOTHERF***** WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!” he raged as he skidded to a sudden stop again. “The audacity of pedestrians these days, thinking they can walk wherever they please. Next time someone crosses when they’re not supposed to, I’ll show them a lesson.”

“And the government will show you to your jail cell,” Makoto muttered.

“What did you say, Makoto?”

“Uh, nothing. What were you saying about girls and clubs and stuff?”

“Ah right. As I was saying, you will meet a diverse set of girls here, the most you will have ever seen at once in your miniscule lifetimes. But don’t get things confused, you’re not here to simply watch them. If that was the case I would have just shown a video of people clubbing.

“Now, you are all here to take those first steps into breaking out of those delicate shells you have constructed around yourselves during the first 18 years of your life, shells that were designed to push away the female specimen. To get the girl of your dreams, confidence is the number one factor. So let’s get this ball rolling, shall we?”

Ebi pulled up to a VIP parking section and slowed the vehicle next to the security guard in all black and sunglasses (which Makoto thought was a little odd at night).

“Sorry kids, VIPs only. Now scram before I call the cops on you.”

“Are you sure about that?” replied Ebi smugly, as he whipped out a gold-plated card nonchalantly.

“B-Bakana?!” the man cried out, taken aback as he fell onto his knees. “Forgive my prior language, my lieges. Please, enter.”

“That’s more like it,” said Ebi as the gates rose up, allowing them to enter. Finally parked, they all got out of the car.

“Alright boys. Remember our basic training. Groups of two, Makoto and Orochi in one group, Nishinoya and Akashi in the other. You see any group of girls of any age, even if there are one or two guys sprinkled in, and you must go up and engage. Hype each other up, you are each other's wingmen. By the end of the night, you should have talked to almost every girl there. I will be watching from afar, but feel free to come up to me if you need any advice. On the astronomical chance one of you is somehow on the verge of getting laid, I’ll drive you to a nearby love hotel. Now, any more questions?”

Makoto raised his hand. “Can I go home early? My uh, step sister got stuck in the washing machine.”

Ebi shook his head. “No can do my protégé. You do not have a step sister and anyone that is caught leaving early without substantial reason will be subject to Wingman Squad disciplinary action. And trust me, you do not want to reach that kind of standing in the Squad.”

“Sounds good sir,” saluted Makoto, not wanting to know what the Wingman Squad disciplinary action entailed.

“Good to hear. Any other questions? No? The name of the game is to be cool, suave, and in control, so keep that in mind, and onwards we go!”

***

As they approached the club’s entrance on foot, Makoto squinted at the sight of the two burly men in British style suits guarding the entryway. Somehow they had seemed familiar… had he seen them somewhere before?

Either way, now was the time to test these IDs.

“Don’t worry guys, follow my lead,” said Akashi confidently. He walked up to the men in suits.

“Hello my good friends,” he greeted the bouncers with a smile. “Here is my identification to show that I, too, am of age 20,” he continued, handing out his card.

“I’m something of an age 20 myself,” said Orochi, following Akashi’s footsteps.

“I’m as young as a 20 year old can be,” said Nishinoya.

“Guys, what in Merlin's beard are you doing?!” Makoto whispered aggressively as he nudged them. “You can’t say something like that. That’s way too suspicious!”

The burly men checked their IDs and gave them back, giving them the okay to enter the club.

Nani?! The club must be poorly secured if nim wits like them could say that and enter. But that was okay, for Makoto had different plans. He handed over his ID like normal.

The bouncer looked at it and gave it back to him. “You are too young, you may not enter,” he stated without skipping a beat.

“Oh no, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I seem to have accidentally given my actual ID, on accident,” said Makoto towards Ebi. “It’s a terrible shame, guess I can’t enter the club now, dagnabbit! Well, time for me to go home and –”

“Nice try Makoto, but I’m afraid you still can enter.”

“How?”

Ebi grabbed Makoto and pulled up to the bouncers, whipping out the gold-plated card he had flashed earlier to the other guard. Both of the bouncers were blown back from the shine, as they stepped out of their way and bowed down.

“What kind of BS card is that?” Makoto exclaimed. “Is it a ‘get out of society’s struggles free’ pass?”

“Well, let’s put it this way – yes.”

“When can I get one?”

“Once you get a girlfriend,” said Ebi as he shoved Makoto in.

***

The club was certainly electric tonight. Both the bar and the dance floor were buzzing with people partying, disco lights emanating from the top, changing color with the beat, and loud music blaring through giant speakers. The vibe wasn’t too different from the movies, as far as Makoto could tell.

He scoured around and found Orochi chatting it up with some girl. Huh, looks like he had underestimated him; the man had more game than he’d thought. He walked up to them, trying to see what they were talking about.

Orochi bowed down to the girl. “... and so I tip my fedora to you, milady, for my love for you is like diarrhea – it’s never ending.”

The girl looked at him like a steaming pile of diarrhea before walking away.

Orochi fell to his knees, weeping in disbelief. “What did I do wrong? That was perfect execution!”

Makoto shook his head as he placed a hand on Orochi’s shoulder. Poor soul.

He looked around and saw Nishinoya and Akashi chatting it up with a group of hotties. And wait, was that girl touching Nishinoya’s shoulders now? Screw him and his god given height and physical features!

“Oh hey, look who it is!”

Makoto turned around to the source to find a girl with choppy black hair, bopping to the beat of the song. “Oh, hey Himari! What are you doing here?”

“Just chilling,” she said, taking a swig from a plastic bottle. “Don’t tell Uyeno about the contents of this bottle.”

“You snuck in some alc? Wow nice... wait, Uyeno is here?!”

“Didn't she tell you? Couples shouldn’t keep secrets from each other you know?”

“We’ve been through this Himari, we’re not dating,” he said looking around the place. “Where exactly is she? Nevermind that, why is she here?”

“Eh, y’all will get together soon enough. Apparently the archery club goes here sometimes, and they forced her to come along tonight, so she begged me to come with her and now we’re here! Want me to show you where she is?”

“N-No, it’s fine,” he said.

A tall, handsome guy pulled up. “Oh my, what do we have here, a baddie in need of a daddy! My love for you is like diarrhea – it’s never ending,” he said sexily.

“Oh my gawd,” she said, swooning, the man’s voice cutting through her heart. “And your name is?”

The guy tilted his head towards the bar as he winked. “Drinks on me.”

She jumped giddily and followed him over there like a puppy. ‘Drinks on me’ was a rather long name, thought Makoto as he fake vomited and proceeded to walk around aimlessly for a bit before a tap on his shoulder returned him to his senses.

“How’s it going?” asked Ebi, armed with two women on each side. “Why is Orochi slobbering on the ground?”

“Ebi samaaa, let’s go over there,” tried one of the women on Ebi’s right, pulling on his sleeve.

“Silence thot. Bros before hos.”

Makoto should’ve brought some of his burn soothing balm with him…

“Uh yeah I don’t know, one rejection and he’s on the ground, one more and he’ll probably need to get escorted by EMS,” Makoto replied. “But uh, yeah, not too great on my end either so far. Plus, to make matters worse, it seems Uyeno of all people is here as well. Wait, do you have something to do with that?”

“Nah, we were only involved with the eleva– ah, I meant of course not.”

“Wait what?”

“Pish posh applesauce. We would never cut off power from the elevator on purpose. Hey look! There’s your quarry,” said Ebi excitedly, nudging Makoto to look to his left, where he saw Uyeno performing… what seemed to be some kind of ancient tribal dance in a frenzy. Man, she was taking dance like nobody’s watching to a whole new level.

“Man you got yourself an interesting one, didn’t you?” grinned Ebi. “Go talk to her.”

“Huh, why do I have to?”

“Disciplinary action much?” said Ebi pleasantly. “Now, if you’d excuse me, I’ve got some things to do. Ciao!”

Makoto groaned. So much for Ebi supposedly watching them like he promised earlier. Now on top of all this club business, he would have to deal with a drunk Uyeno as well? [1]

Makoto twisted and turned through the cult of wannabe dancers until he was next to Uyeno, albeit her facing the other way. “Yo.” She didn’t notice him yet. “Hey… HEY!”

She turned to him. “MAKOTOOOOO!” she slobbered. “WHAT ARE YOU DOIN - hic - HERE?”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE UYENO?!”

“I’M - hic - HAVING A BLAST! WANNA SEE ME TWERK?”

“I’M NOT SURE THAT WOULD BE A PARTICULARLY GREAT IDEA!” yelled Makoto, although some part of him…

“WHY NOT?! WHY DO YOU - hic - HATE ME SO MUCH, YOU BIG BAKA? AM I NOT ATTRACTIVE TO YOU?!” she sobbed. “DO I NEED A BIG BOOTY LIKE THOSE FACETOKGRAM MODELS?”

Whatever this girl drank, it was most certainly not the lemonade mocktail they were serving near the entrance. It wasn't like her to drink anyway... he definitely needed to get her out of there.

“THAT’S NOT THE ISSUE HERE! YOU’RE VERY CLEARLY DRUNK OUT OF YOUR MIND! WE NEED TO GET YOU TO HIMARI, SHE’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.”

“WHY WON’T YOU - hic - TAKE CARE OF ME YOURSELF?!” she wailed.

Makoto caught a bunch of people nearby sneaking glances at them and smirking beneath their hands, murmuring something about a lover’s quarrel.

Oh god, what had he gotten himself into? He had to get her to someplace with some fresh air and less people.

“ALRIGHT THEN, COME WITH ME,” said Makoto, grabbing her hand and taking her through the exit. He called the elevator and hit the button for the rooftop.

The doors opened to reveal a… standard rooftop. Yet the lush moonlit night, alongside the omnipresent constellations imparted a soft glow to the air. Sober Uyeno would have loved this view.

Wait, there was someone else there, gazing at the night sky, his back turned to them. As he became aware of their presence, an old man slowly turned to face them.

Hyōdō Tonegawa?!

“Ah, I’ve been expecting you, Makoto.”

***

[1] Japan Statutory Warning : Consumption of alcohol is injurious to health and is not for consumption under the age of 20 (please no sue me)