The King of the Moths

I thought about his words, "when I was you, I could see her" as I walked back to the river. This clearly meant that he could no longer see her, in other words, I would lose the ability to see her somewhere in the future.

I began to hear the flowing water and the river came into view. Yui lay leaning against a stone next to the river. Her eyes were closed, she still seemed to be asleep. I went to the river, knelt down and drank a sip of water. It felt even colder than usual.

I heard a quiet noise behind me and instinctively looked next to me at the place where Yui had just been lying, she was gone. The next moment I felt a kick from behind and lost my balance. The river was not deep but falling into it was still incredibly unpleasant. I turned around with a puzzled expression on my face even though I knew exactly what had just happened. It was like he said, she was pissed.

“Where the hell have you been?!”

She stared at me in disgust.

“Calm down! You know how I get killed every night, I left on purpose so as not to put you in danger in your weakened state, that’s all.”

She thought about what to say. She didn't seem to find a reason to be angry anymore, but that didn't change the fact that she was still angry.

“Why didn't you tell me this yesterday?!”

I stood up.

“With every moment I spend explaining something to you, more time passes and the likelihood of being attacked increases.”

She visibly thought about it for a moment and then gave up. After she had finished, she walked over to the river. I thought for a moment that she would help me and maybe give me a hand, but no, she just wanted a drink of water. As she reached forward, I grabbed her left arm and pulled her into the water. I was never the kind of person to just forgive someone for what they had done, but I was also the kind of person who thought about the advantages and disadvantages their actions would bring. I didn't see any negative consequences that my actions would cause, or rather I didn't see any negative consequences for myself, so I just did it. She didn't scream as she toppled forward, she just looked at me, almost as though she expected it.

“Damn it! Why is it so fucking cold?!”

I got out of the river, turned around and looked down at her.

“Gotta say, great question.”

I turned around as she screamed…

“Fuck you!”

…At me. I always lived by the motto that if an action did not have a negative effect on me, it was usually a good action. It didn't matter how many people suffered from my decision, as long as it didn't leave me with any physical, psychological, or emotional damage, it was a good decision. This motto could also be combined with a way of thinking that was only logical in my eyes because I couldn't care less about the life of anyone I didn't know. Let all the people in Africa die, I thought to myself so many times when I was asked for donations. Why should I live worse so that others could have a better life? For years I thought I was weird, but I learned something, something that fundamentally changed the way I looked at people. We are all selfish, when someone sells their car to free children from child labour, they don't do it because they are nice, they do it because they want to be or seem nice.

She stood up and walked out of the water. Unlike mine, her clothes seemed to be water-repellent in at least one direction. I set down where I left her yesterday and leaned against the rock.

I was glad that I met him then, the first person who showed me that I was not alone in my way of thinking. The first person outside my family I actually got along with, someone I didn't have to pretend to be friendly to, someone who actually deserved it, someone I would actually call a friend.

It was in fourth grade that I met Tetsuo for the first time. He hated me, I got on well with everyone, at least that's what he thought. He was the kind of person who always has a window seat in TV shows and stares out the window in every scene that takes place during class. He was what you would call a loner, but he didn't have an overdramatic backstory, he was just a normal kid, like me he had a strong interest in video games and programming but that was probably all we had in common at first glance. Nobody liked him but it wasn't like they hated him either, he wasn't bullied. Nobody really knew what was going on with him apart from the fact that he was interested in video games, which was not uncommon at our age. It was after I entered a book competition for elementary and middle school students and failed miserably that I first felt the hatred he must have felt towards me towards him. He had won and I was not even in second place, it was not even close. He was much better than me and even though I had given it everything, he had beaten me, he was the one who took away my feeling of being the centre of my own little world. It was the day that the school gave us our results at around 3 pm. As I was walking down the hallway, I saw him sitting alone in our classroom. I walked over to him, I wanted to punch him but when I stood in front of him I had long since realised how pointless it would be. At that moment he punched me in the stomach. I flinched but the blow was not so strong that I went down, it was mainly the shock that got to me. I hit him in the face, and he fell to the ground.

“Why did you hit me?”

I asked him filled with anger, but the only thing I could think of was that I had beaten him, it felt great. Unintentionally, my face, filled with hatred, gave way for just a brief moment and turned into a smile, which he of course noticed and immediately recognized as confirmation. He looked at me and asked me back.

“Why did you hit me?”

I was confused, I knew he wasn't playing dumb, he wouldn't do that, but I was still a dumb kid, I didn't see what he was getting at.

“You hit me first, I just hit you back”

“Really? You don't believe that yourself, no matter how stupid I am, you seem to be a hundred times dumber if you really don't get it. Or maybe you just don't want to get it!"

I knelt down and grabbed him at his shirt. I raised my fist, ready to beat him a second time. What he said then was completely unexpected for me and it was the first time I had the feeling that someone was not just what he seemed to be, not just an NPC in my own game, in my world, in my life, but an actual individual whose thoughts were just as complex as mine on a level I understood, someone who didn't want to seem smart by using complicated terms but someone who was just smart, someone who was smarter than me.

“We all follow our desires, that's normal, we are driven, you are, I am, everyone is. But you must be smart enough to notice that or are you like the spider that is magically attracted to its prey. You wanted to hit me, that's why you hit me, not because I hit you. I hate you, that's why I hit you, it's as simple as that, you're like everyone else, you always look for reasons that suit you and start believing your own lies. That's the behavior of a stupid person, but the problem in a world like ours is that stupid people are attracted to stupid people, and all stupid people fly around the biggest idiot like moths around a lamp, isn't it? You, who are loved by everyone in the class, should recognize this best, the king of the stupid, the beacon of the moths.”

I let go of his shirt. He had grasped it perfectly and still interpreted it completely wrong.

“The damn moths can burn in my light, I don't care.”