Chapter 31: Pain, Tears, and Broken Things

Mary and Carly were shocked by what Sam was carrying.

It was a bow. A compound bow made of plastic and metal with wire bowstrings running through it, not at all like the ones they knew from fantasy movies.

Mary was the first one to find her voice. “Is… is that a…”

“It’s a bow?!” Carly exclaimed, leaping out of her chair and running over, her eyes shining. “You have a bow?! That’s so cool!” She had to resist the temptation to snatch it out of Sam’s hands.

“It’s from when I was in high school,” Sam muttered, setting it down on her bed. A shadow was hanging over her face. Then Mary noticed she was carrying something else: a framed photo. In it, there were several girls, all in matching uniforms, and all were carrying bows of their own. She could see Sam’s face among them, but it was unfamiliar.

She was smiling.

“South Vista High School Archery Team,” Sam said, noticing Mary staring at the picture. She set it down on her desk. “That was us.”

“You did archery in high school?” Carly gasped. “No wonder your aim is so good!”

“I was only on the team for a little over a year,” Sam muttered. “But… yeah. It was fun. Because my mom and I lived over the rec center, she was able to get a bow for me for cheap. They even let me use the target range after hours to get some practice in.”

Her eyes started to water with nostalgia.

“Back then… it was really a lot of fun.”

“…So these were your old friends, then?” Mary said, gently picking up the picture. “The ones that you broke things off with?”

Sam nodded.

“What happened? I don’t get it,” Carly said, studying the photograph. “You guys look so happy here!”

Sam reached up and clasped her shoulder. She could still feel a sting.

“We won the state qualifiers, that’s what happened.”

Carly gasped. Having done fencing herself, she knew a little something about sports tournaments and how amazing that was. “Wait, you went to a national tournament?! That’s awesome!”

“…They went,” Sam corrected her, her voice oozing with bitterness. “I was off the team by that point.”

Mary gulped. She walked a little closer to Sam, feeling an urge to comfort her, but she thought better. Instead, she asked “do you… want to talk about what happened?”

Sam let out a long sigh and sank into her chair. “…Sure… why not? It’s not like it matters anymore.”

She took back her picture and stared at it.

“Back then, we all got along great. Growing up, people always made fun of me for being poor. I was always wearing old clothes, and couldn’t afford new toys or fun birthday party activities. So I basically sucked at making friends. But the other girls, they didn’t care. We all had fun just going to competitions together. For them, I guess it was just a hobby, but me…”

“It was everything, huh?” Mary murmured. “I was alone in high school too… if I’d had something like that… it would have been my whole life.”

“I was really good,” Sam continued. “One of the best on the team. We had a real shot at nationals, and managed to win at state. I used to think ‘just a little more’. If we got a little bit better, then we really could win the national competition. And once that thought got into my head, well… I started practicing. That’s the thing about archery. You need to practice. Practice, practice, practice, so you can get better. An hour a day at the range turned into two. Then four. Back then, I was just a stupid kid. I thought I was invincible.”

Sam rubbed her shoulder, and Mary and Carly winced.

“I tore my rotator cuff. Ripped it right off the bone. I couldn’t even lift my arm. It’s one of the most common archery injuries there is, and I walked into it like a fool because I ignored the warning signs my body was telling me. I wanted to win nationals so badly I pushed through the pain, and then…”

Her voice trailed off and she winced, remembering that night. The memory of that pain had always been right below the surface, able to be called back with a thought.

“I don’t know how my mom managed to scrounge up the money, but the surgeon was able to repair the damage. But I still couldn’t go to nationals. I needed to see physical therapists, and spent over a year in recovery before I could use my arm again. You really can’t imagine how scared I was, I thought my whole life was over.”

A small smile crossed her face.

“But my physical therapist… she was amazing. She was with me every step of the way. Every time I saw her, she assured me that I was doing great. That I’d make a full recovery. She never gave me a chance to feel sad, you know? And after a while, even I started to believe it.”

“…So what happened?” Carly quietly asked. “You said you had a falling out with your friends? Because you couldn’t go to nationals?”

“No, it wasn’t like that,” Sam said, shaking her head. “They actually… they supported me the whole way through, encouraging me, telling me how happy they were that I was recovering. They didn’t blame me at all, even when they lost.”

Sam was still smiling, but the tears hadn’t gone away. She clutched her chest.

“I’m the one who messed everything up,” she whispered.

“After my physical therapy was completed, it was like my arm was as good as new. It wasn’t sore at all, I could move it perfectly. It was really like I’d been totally cured. But I knew better than to push myself. I didn’t want to get hurt again, after all. But I still loved archery. It was the most fun I’d ever had. But when I went back and tried to rejoin the team…” her voice cracked, and she began to shake. To Carly and Mary’s amazement, she broke out crying.

“I couldn’ do id!” She sobbed. “I tried! I tried by best, bud I… I couldn’!”

Mary quickly fetched some tissues for Sam to blow her nose. She wiped away her tears and continued.

“It was my same old bow. Everything felt right, but… when I drew the arrow back… I couldn’t do it. ‘What if I can’t shoot anymore?’ ‘What if my arm won’t let me shoot properly?’ ‘What if I try… and I hurt myself even worse this time?’ I just couldn’t do it, don’t you get it?! I was scared! I just… I didn’t…”

She started crying again.

“So wait, you never even tried?!” Carly exclaimed.

Sam jerked her head up, glaring through her tears.

“What do you know?!” She snapped. “Do you have any idea how terrifying that is?! I’m scared, okay?! I admit it! Scared that my body didn’t heal properly, that I’d never be able to shoot again, or worse, if I tried, I could damage my shoulder even more! My arm could get paralyzed, don’t you get it?!”

“I-I know that’s scary, but-“

“I get it,” Mary said, clamping her hand over Carly’s mouth. “I’m… I’m scared too. About… well, everything.”

Sam sighed, rubbing her temple with her good hand.

“And it looks like I was right, anyway. My shoulder is busted. It didn’t heal properly. Why else would I have gotten hurt like that?”

Mary winced. “…The x-rays… did they say that your shoulder…?”

“The x-rays?” Sam snorted, rolling her eyes. “Oh, fuck that. Apparently my arm’s perfectly fine? Bullshit. I know damn well that it’s messed up! That machine’s just fucking stupid, that’s what!”

Carly and Mary shared a worried look.

“Sam… maybe the doctor’s right?” Carly tried. “Maybe your shoulder really is-“

“My shoulder’s a wreck!” Sam exploded. “It doesn’t work! I can’t shoot a bow, I can’t swing a sword, I can’t do anything without hurting it even more! And you want me to go back to Boffer Club and get injured again?! No, no, no!”

Carly slumped back against the desk and sighed. She just couldn’t get through. She tried her best, but…

“Sam… it’s okay.”

Mary walked over to her friend. She was shaking, but her eyes were filled with surety.

“I was scared too, you know? I was terrified of getting hurt. And when I did get hurt, I was scared even more. But you helped me, Sam. You showed me how to be brave and strong, just like you.” Mary leaned over and hugged Sam, giving her a shoulder to cry on.

Sam collapsed immediately.

“…I’m not brave,” she whimpered. “I’m not strong… I’m awful and weak and mean!”

Mary shook her head and hugged her tighter. “No, you’re strong and cool and sweet. You’ve helped me so much. You’re my best friend, Sam.”

“I’m awful… I’m a horrible friend… you don’t get it, Mary, I… I’m not good, I… I’m so sorry… everything I said… to you and Carly and everyone, I just… I’b sowwy…”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” Mary soothed her, running her gentle fingers through Sam’s golden hair. “You’re okay… take your time…”

“No, you don’t get it! My friends at school… I was the one who messed things up… even though I couldn’t use a bow again… they still wanted to be my friend anyway. But I was awful… I was jealous and upset, because they could still have fun and go to competitions, and I couldn’t… I loved archery so much, but when I was with them… I kept being reminded how I couldn’t do it anymore, and so I… I just cut them all off… all my friends, because I… because I’m just mean and jealous that they had something I didn’t! I finally had something that was mine, and when I lost it, I just…”

Sam clung to Mary’s shirt and sobbed into her shoulder as Mary held her, whispering soothing words into her friend’s ear. Carly watched from the side with a sad expression.

I wish there was something I could do… but a situation like this… I don’t even know what to say…

“Sam… do you like Boffer Club?” Mary asked.

“Mhm,” Sam gurgled with a nod. “I lub id…”

“And you’re afraid if you keep doing it, you could hurt your shoulder again?”

“Yeah… and then I’d… then I’d resent everybody, and then I’d… No, it doesn’t matter… everything I said… I yelled at everyone, I just… I wrecked it again, it’s all a mess, and I can’t even…”

“No, don’t think about that,” Mary said, pulling back so she could look Sam in the eye. “You didn’t ruin anything. You can come back, it’ll be fine. And look, if you don’t want to do Boffer Club anymore, then I’m gonna quit too.”

“What?!” Sam cried. “N-No, you can’t!”

“Mary...” Carly realized what the skinny girl was getting at.

Mary was firm. “Yes, Sam, I can. If being in Boffer Club means we can’t be friends anymore, then I don’t want it. You’re my friend, and you’re way more important than some dumb club, okay?”

Sam didn’t understand. She’d been horrible to Mary. She’d yelled at her, treated her like a nuisance, and had barely even said she was sorry. No matter how badly she felt, it wasn’t fair to take that out on her, and yet the girl still said they were friends?

“B-But I…”

“OKAY?!”

“…Ogay…”

Sam looked down at the floor. It wasn’t fair. Mary shouldn’t have to quit just because she was so scared. She cursed herself for her own weakness.

If only my shoulder wasn’t so bad… if only I hadn’t… if only I wasn’t so…

“Sam. It’s fine. I’m happy with this, okay? We can find a new club, something that you want to do, something safe.” They both knew something like that would just be running away. But Sam appreciated her kind words all the same.

A shaky smile crossed Mary’s face.

“Or… we could try Boffer Club again. What do you say?”

She didn’t know what to say. She was scared of getting hurt again. Even if her shoulder really was fine, the next time she fell it might not be. But then… could she really live with herself, making Mary quit the Boffer Club just to stay her friend? Of all the awful things she’d done, that would be the worst by far. What was the right thing to do? What did she want to do?

She opened her mouth to give Mary her answer, but she never got the chance.

“Personally, I think that sounds like a horrible idea.”

The mocking tone of that all-too-familiar voice in the doorway pushed Sam’s worried thoughts aside, filling her heart with a new emotion: rage.