A Conversation, or Rainbow drops keep falling on my head

When the greatest poets of the realm speak of love, they do so in such glowing exuberant terms that's the reader may think that their entire being hinges upon even breathing the air of the person they admire. It could be a love so all-encompassing that their very being could disintegrate if they do not reciprocate the affections. An emotional tether that can bring just as much joy as pain.

Then, dear reader, there is, of course, lust. Being as I am a fine upstanding gentleman, I will not go into the graphic details of the full nature of the nighttime activities of the people of the realm, but to show my point I would like to read you a poem from the eminent Jade Isles poet, Hasho.

Ahem.

Now I feel the need.

Overwhelming need to breed.

Please! Give me your seed.

Truly magnificent in its bawdiness, isn't it? If you'd like to see more, I’ve got quite the collection of…

Anyway.

We can safely describe the emotion that young Master Gregory was feeling as the furthest thing away from love imaginable. Now, true, he has just had a rather handsome man from the sky land on his rib cage. Though I imagine the feeling is quite unpleasant. Why don't you ask him yourself?

Though actually, come to think of it, the poetry may have been a waste.

Please, do come in.

***

“You inconsiderate rainbow clad bastard! You multicoloured Vagabond! “You leprechaun chasing reprobate!”

Dorian’s eyes were darting backwards and forwards between his new acquaintances. They certainly were grateful for the kindness of being provided a soft landing, and it's not like they could help the forces of gravity. They gave a quick pleading glance to the halfling woman, who merely chuckled and shook her head.

“Look, I'm really sorry about that, but I was trying to escape. Some bad people and I needed to get away.”

“By falling from the sky!”

“Kind of, yeah.”

The man they had accidentally head butted was getting redder and redder. Spending so much time in the celestial realm, Dorian had forgotten what actual plants looked like. After the day Dorian had suffered, they really wanted to do something drastic like to call him a tomato. Given the amount of stress this person appeared to be under, they decided against it.

“I demand full compensation for the damage done to my clothes!”

The wizard was puzzled. “My guy, you know the entire world uses magic, yes? Ask and I can fix your clothes for you.”

“I know that! And I’m not your guy!”

“No, it’s actually a…”

“I think that’s enough!” Gwen interjected. “In case you haven’t noticed, still have customers and, considering that most of the time, an overgrown forest and hallucinogenic mushrooms surround this place. I would like to keep my Business today. Inside, both of you.”

Knowing full well not to anger a sassy buff woman, Dorian did as they were told. Everything was still so foreign and…. wooden. They knew they had better be on their best behaviour. They did not want to run afoul of this good lady’s custom in case there was the possibility that, if they made too much of a fuss, the people upstairs might discover them.

Plus, if they were on their best behaviour, they might ask about those hallucinogenic mushrooms.

***

“Well, this is nice.” Dorian said, as they looked around the rustic room. Wooden floors, bar stools. It was as if they'd stepped back in time. They refrained from suggesting this, as their publicist had taught them manners even if they weren't readily used.

“You don't need to show manners around me, Dorian Perpermin! You think I wouldn’t know who the Rainbow wizard is! Just tell me what you want, and you can take it and leave.”

“Excuse me?”

You bloody heard me! I don't know what your game is, why a wizard would want to come down here and be with us regular people, so I'm going to guess you want to steal something? Well, I ain't got that much money, and if you want to steal my axe, you can forget about it. She pointed to the axe on the wall. A double-bladed monstrosity with gold trimmed edges, and a jewelled handle that made Dorian audibly gulp. A smooth trickle of sweat formed on their forehead.

“You’re scared?” She was silent for a second. “Well, this is a story I need to hear. It's quite clear someone as cowardly as you won't steal anything from me, even if you are wearing a wizard's robe, or is this actually a ruse and you're just an imposter?”

To illustrate that they were not, Dorian formed a little ball of light above his finger. Gwen shrugged and went into the kitchen, coming back with two cups of tea. Dorian sighed; they were safe.

***

“So, tell me, if you're not here to steal stuff, and we don't have to slay monsters anymore. Why are you here?”

“I was running away from my agent, and I fell off a cloud.”

Gwen nodded. “Right. You were in the Celestial Realm. That much I get, been there myself, pompous, racist, supremacist pricks. What’s an agent, though?”

“It's like a theatre director for a person.”

“And why would you need one of those?”

“Because I'm a poster boy, sometimes errand boy, sometimes dogs’ body for the Wizard Adventures franchise, which by rights I shouldn't even be in.”

When was clearly puzzled. Dorian could see a small vein protrude from the top of her head. She was definitely thinking, but the sail had no wind. “Franchise? I don’t get it. Also, you’ve just misgendered yourself twice.”

Dorian shrugged. “I just make a lot of money.”

Gwen’s mood suddenly became sour. Dorian was very taken aback at how quickly her face went from jolly and pink to stormy and red. “Oh, I understand. People like me worked our arses off to defeat the Demon King. We fought, we bled, and we died, and now nobody remembers. It's amazing what peace can do to people. It's been five years since the Demon King left. Five years is all it took for us to go from saviours of the realm to violent bloodthirsty killers wanting to destroy the peace that we helped build. Not that they tell you that. How could you just go along with a lie?”

“I’m sorry.”

“And who were the new saviours you may ask? Bloody businesses. Coming in with the entertainment and books and plays and watered-down retellings of my past! Our sacrifice! It would be very easy to just tell my story and the story of other people, but no. They have to slap it in leather and sell it for five gold apiece! It’s just…”

Dorian lightly put their hand on Gwen’s shoulder. They couldn't tell her now that they secretly wanted to be in her shoes, but they could provide some comfort. “Gwen, did you forget I'm a wizard? Gathering knowledge is kind of my thing. I can see, I have seen all of your sacrifice. I saw people fight those demons; I know what happened. I may be too young, but… thank you. Oh Gods, now I’m being all dramatic.”

Dorian could see tears begin to form in Gwen’s eyes, but she quickly blinked them away stoically. “Now, what’s all this about a franchise? I’m still annoyed at you for being a sellout, so at least help me out with these fancy words.”

“I… Gwen, do you read?”

“I am a former adventurer who worked on a farm until I was ten, then at one point my farm got ransacked by demons so I small revenge, got really buff and murdered those pricks until the Demon King Buggered off. Why the bloody hell would you think I had time to learn how to read?”

“Good point. It's probably not a good idea to give away your backstory so easily, though.”

“Backstory?”

“Never mind. Anyway, as you know, I'm basically a glorified poster boy for a novel and play series. I don't really have a part to play in it or anything, it's just somebody writes the story pretending to know who I am. Then, when the book is written, I go out and pretend I'm exactly like that.”

“And You do that because…”

“Boredom mostly, but then there's the crippling self-esteem issues, the desire to feel love and accepted even though I never will, something to stop me from looking at myself in the mirror at night and realizing what a horrible person I am. You know, the usual.”

“Well, that's awfully honest of you. But surely you must get praised? Like people see you in the books and go blimey, he's really cool. You must get people coming up to you all the time?”

“I used to,” Dorian said. They needed to be very careful about how they worded the next part. It had been a really long time since he'd sat down and had a conversation with somebody that listened, but he couldn't just come out and say what he wanted to say. She would chop their head off! “I hide now. Not because I'm lonely or sad or angry, I just feel useless.”

“Because you're not doing what I did”.

“Good Gods, you're perceptive. Are you single?”

“Piss off” Gwen scoffed.

“She's married to me, darling!” Came a rather flamboyant voice from nowhere. Dorian decided they had too much emotion for one day and ignored it.

A long pause stretched out the minutes. Dorian didn't want the conversation to end. It had been such a long time since they had a conversation that wasn't about profit margins or appearance fees. He could feel the small sense of normality they had gained slip away, and he became panicked inside.

“By the way Gwen, what's the deal with that guy you were with?”

“You mean the one you crashed into?”

Nod Nod.

“That’s Gregory. He's not having a good time right now.”

“I wonder why.”

“Hey! Gwen slammed her hand down on the table, which caused Dorian to leap out of their sarcasm. “He may be grumpy, and socially awkward and unapproachable, but he's had a rough time! He's not really... Good at talking.”

“Good at talking?”

“It's difficult to explain. It's like he wants to say friendly words but then his brain just overthinks the words and then they end up coming out nasty, like if you were drunk all the time but you knew what you were doing.”

Dorian winced. “That sounds awful. Is it magical? Do you want me to fix it?”

“No, it's not magical, love. He's just a very sad, lonely man, though he won't admit it. I've tried really hard to get him to talk to people, but every time he does, they just come away thinking he's some kind of blank, rude person. He really isn't, though he just needs somebody new.”

Dorian's eyes went wide. Oh no, they could see where this was going.

“Well, that's awfully well and good. Would you look at the time? I really must be getting back to…Reading self-help books! Yes, that's right, this has been lovely, but I've really got to…”

Dorian felt themselves being yanked by the collar with such force they thought they were going to be strangled to death. Instead, they were met by Gwen’s wicked smile.

“Did I hear you say something about you knowing some franchise people? I think business just got a bit better for me.”