Unusual unsuccessful sneaking solutions

Dear Reader! It’s so nice to see that you’ve returned. I must say, I am very sorry about the last time you were here. My last introduction was somewhat… Misleading.

Is that why you haven’t been here for a while? I do hope not. The only reason I ask is because since you last visited, some very important things have happened. It appears to be that with Miss Gwen’s request, Dorian had been pushing Gregory to finally get going on the whole writing business.

Now I know this is going to be very difficult to believe, but did you know he actually did it? Our man actually wrote something! To completion! its wonderful news. Of course, it took Dorian badgering him every night and calling on him every day to make sure that he had written something. Did you know at one point he even threw rocks at the upstairs window of the café to make sure he was writing?

How romantic! Of course, Gregory hated it, which just makes it even more amusing. I think he called him a... What was it again? Oh yes, a ‘bizarrely dressed, over-hyped simpleton who wouldn't know good literature if he conjured it up himself.’

Harsh, I know.

Nevertheless, it is with that background information that I present you with today's events. Something tells me that Gregory and his little book might get them both more than they bargained for.

Please, do come in.

***

Of all the ridiculous labours and nonsensical things, he thought he would do today, being cloaked in an invisibility spell while hiding in a bush outside Riverstone’s, Westerland’s premium book shop, was not something that Gregory had in mind. His already palpable discomfort was being heightened because sitting next to him with a wide grin on his face, once again his companion for this adventure and designated ‘friend,’ Dorian Perpermin.

“Would you mind telling me…” Gregory said in a huff while attempting to use a leaf to clean his glasses. “Why can’t we just present my book to the submissions department by going through the front door? This seems awfully childish, and I think I have bees in my underwear.”

“Oh, don't be like that! This is fun. You've done the hard part and written your book and now I thought we could have a little adventure. Do you not want a little adventure?” Dorian pressed his face right up to Gregory's, causing him to back away and make a little yelping sound. He quickly covered his mouth so they wouldn't be discovered, but Dorian just laughed. “Don't worry, I have put up a silence spell, too.”

Of course, they did. Mr. Perfect, powerful Wizard who everyone loves. Gregory found it nauseating how everyone fawned over Dorian. Just because he was a Wizard, just because he was a celebrity. He was sure that if he had the qualities that Dorian possessed, he could do exactly the same thing. Realizing that his thought process was getting a little out of hand, he blinked hard to check himself mentally on his jealousy. Dorian was doing this for him, and he should be grateful for that. And besides, it wasn't as if he didn't enjoy his company.

If only a little.

“Remind me again what the plan is?” Gregory said.

“Oh, it’s really simple! We are going to use my invisibility spell which no one in this part of the realm can use, then we're going to sneak into the editor’s office and then you, with your bundles of charisma are going to pitch your book to him.” Dorian was still lively as he shoved Gregory on the shoulder. The sudden human contact made him blush.

“Are you out of your magically proficient mind? Do you know how many felonies that you, I’m sorry, that we, would commit if we were to do that? I really don't have the constitution for it, Dorian. Can we try something else?”

“No, as much as I enjoy seeing you suffer, my friend, there is actually a second purpose to this plan. I am a dazzlingly popular public figure.”

“Here we go.”

Dorian chuckled. “No wait! What I mean is I'm not supposed to be here. Also, there's a sizeable crowd outside the bookstore at present because the author of the popular children's book Elf in my mouth is doing a Q&A. What do you think would happen if a crowd of hyperactive children saw me in the flesh?”

“Ah.”

“Right? We need to go about it the sneaky way. Otherwise, I'm going to be discovered by my publicist and I do not want to go back to that moralising bitch.”

“Isn’t Elf in my mouth that book that has conservative groups up in arms? If I remember correctly, it's got two men of different races kissing.”

Dorian gasped theatrically. “Yep, And I want that to go off without a hitch because I love seeing reactionary groups suffer. Try to tell me how to live my life, will you? Let's show them Gregory! Let's use this bush as a stage for two men of the same race kissing!”

Gregory grew panicked as Dorian’s puckered lips came closer to his face. He swatted them away with his hand and stared at his look of feigned rejection intently.

“At least you didn’t move away his time.” Gregory wasn't sure if Dorian’s grin had left his face since they started this little adventure.

“Oh, shut up.”

***

The Riverstones book shop was overrun. To be sure, this usually quiet bastion of learning was now being swamped by two very distinct sets of peoples. At the front of the shop were the children and parents of children that wished to purchase the book Elf in my mouth. A rather pleasant mixture of race and class, though Gregory detected a faint whiff of something herbal and recreational. He opened his mouth to raise an objection but was quickly silenced by Dorian covering his hand over it. This was becoming a habit.

“Not the target here buddy, we are not here to go on a one-man moral crusade. We're here to get your book published, remember?”

Gregory was forced to concede the point. He was conceding a lot of points to the Wizard lately. He didn't like it. He decided he would find the opportune moment to assert his authority later, presumably when he was rolling in money, and he could hire Dorian as his assistant.

After making some rather elaborate finger signs Gregory couldn't understand, Dorian led them both to the back of the store, where they could sneak in through the side entrance. It was here, though, that they encountered something quite disgusting.

A large group of almost exclusively High Elves were outside the door, chanting slogans and waving signs. Gregory would never dream about repeating them, but let's just assume they have to do with protecting children and the immorality of the book. One participant, at one point, took out a crossbow and fired some arrows into the air. Everybody cheered.

“How the bloody hell are we going to get through these supremacists? Dorian, if they see us without a sign, then we’re dead.”

“I'm a Wizard.”

“Oh, I hardly think now is the time for bragging…”

Before Gregory had finished his sentence, Dorian had produced a sign. A piece of solid wood big enough to hide them both as they walked through the crowd, it was decorated in glitter. On it was written the line:

NO RAINBOW FOR MY KIDS. ILLITIRACY ALWAYS WINS.

“I'm doing this for you.” Dorian said after noticing the wide mouth look Gregory was giving them. “I feel gross just holding this. Gods, I wish they would just stick to their imaginary boycott stuff.”

“I’m sorry.” Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Maybe assuming that you're going to be an author just because you can put quill to paper is a bad idea. Gregory wasn't used to being this open. His actions rarely had so much of an effect on so many people.

It hurt.

“Hey buddy? Look at me. If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be. I'm a powerful Wizard, I can literally do anything I want and right now I'm choosing to help you get your book seen. I'm doing this because I think you're an okay guy and you need a break. I know what that look means. You're not burdening me.”

Hand on shoulder, bright red face. Gregory was getting quite used to this, as much as he hated it. Still, he couldn't remember the last time that he did something like this. Going out with a friend, doing a social activity, it was all that he could do to not have a giant panic attack. As well as that, he now has to deal with the prospect that somebody might be…

Interested in him?

No! Rubbish, absolutely preposterous. Stupid. He was here to get his book looked at, get promptly rejected, go home and sit. That there was a hilarious and… moderately good-looking wizard next him was just a coincidence. This is the way it's always been, and there is no logical reason to think that today is going to be otherwise.

They skirted past the last obstacle, a rather sketchy looking pair of journalists, before reaching the back entrance of the building. Barred by a black iron door, the pair could see through the cracks, the other side led to a very large and dusty office room within an assortment of desks and people busying about. At the entrance of that room was a sign that said, ‘Editorial Department.’

“A bit obvious, isn't it?”

“Hey, don't look horse mouth in the gift, a goose mouse in the present, whatever that saying is!”

“Right… And how are we going to get in?”

Dorian just walked through the bars. Of course, Wizard.

Gregory followed him in by holding on to the back of their cloak. They were soon both inside, thankfully they still had the invisibility spell that Dorian had cast. Gregory reminded himself that he must ask the Wizard how magic actually worked, because from his standpoint it all seemed rather random and innocuous.

He cursed himself again. Why couldn't he turn his brain off for five minutes, even now?

“Okay buddy, just put the book on the desk and we can leave.”

“Why me? You are the magic man and besides, I have a dust allergy!”

“And you waited until just now to tell me this. Why?”

“I don't know! Maybe it's because I was really excited to go outside for once! Or talk to somebody! To actually have a friend!” He watched Dorian’s expression soften and scoffed. “Never mind, I’ll do it.”

However, as he did, his worst fear came to pass. As the book was placed down upon the desk, it kicked up a tiny speck of dust which entered Gregory’s nose. The eruption that resulted from that sneeze did two things. First, it kicked up enough dust in the room to cancel out the invisibility spell and therefore alerting all the staff to their presence. And two, sent the entire outside crowd on both sides to the door.

“Oh shit! Sorry.” He felt terrible. He knew Dorian did not want to be seen, and he knew the outcome of that, but because of his own stupid foolishness and frail body, his friend had now been put in the worst possible situation.

“Who are you? What's going on here?” There were many shouts from many different places, so much so that Gregory was becoming disorientated. He looked over at Dorian for comfort and found that he had another bright smirk on his face. They were enjoying themselves.

“I’m sorry… again.”

Dorian just shrugged. “Doesn't matter. I was going to have to deal with that problem eventually, so it might as well be now. Also, we've just done you a favour.”

“How!?”

“Watch.”

Dorian took a step forward to face the crowd. As they did so, one journalist from outside earlier burst forward to ask him a question.

“Mx Perpermin, why are you here at the book shop today and why did you not go through the regular entrance?”

“There were lots of people here today. I did not want to interfere with everybody’s enjoyment of book purchasing.”

“And what about the people protesting?”

“What about them?”

“Don’t you have an opinion about them?”

“I use Mx and wear a rainbow cloak. What do you think my opinion is?"

The reporter didn't have a response to that, and his eye quickly glanced towards Gregory. “And who is this?”

“Oh! This is Gregory Goode. He's an aspiring writer!”

“Yes, but who is he to you?”

Gregory panicked. This was it; this was when he was going to be outed as a fraud and he was going to lose a friend. It was stupid for a grown man to hold back tears, yet he was trying so hard his face was going red. His focus was so much on not making a fool of himself that he did not notice the subtle touch of lips on his cheek. He slowly looked over at Dorian, blinking, who just winked at him in return.

“He’s my Partner.”