Lingering Influences

Splendor is the night.

I gazed out the commuter train window behind me and could faintly see my own reflection. Vertical seats granted an unbridled, sparkling view of a passing city nightscape as the train raced along its tracks. Darkness outside sheathed multitudes of buildings and skyscrapers, while odd stars barely glimmered in the distance.

Asagiri on my side was curled up in a fetal position, her face buried in her knees. The red of her sweater juxtaposed against dull, lifeless colors around us. We hadn't spoken much since leaving Kikuchi's apartment earlier, but after those revelations, my girlfriend needed some alone time.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I broke the silence. 

No response, as expected.  She appeared like she didn't wanna see me or anyone right now; I decided to leave her be for a while. My own emotions needed sorting out just as much as hers.

The long, completely empty train car apart from Asagiri and I seemed apropos to the hollow atmosphere currently engulfing us. It was a thick, invisible miasma that reminded me of the air that'd often try choking me out in high school. But I'd since toughened myself to resist its effects, and it was time I helped others conquer this invisible foe.

"Nor—Madonna isn't someone I know much about, but if you look up to her, I'm sure she's not a bad person," I said. My gaze was fixed on the train's ceiling, wondering what emotion I should be displaying.

Still no response. Asagiri's face buried itself further into her knees on her chest. Her brunette hair sheathing her face made it difficult to discern her disposition. What's going through her head right now? Is she upset at me? At Kikuchi?

"Madonna was the one good thing DeLightfuls had," Asagiri mumbled. Her face was still hidden from view. "Madonna's words saved me—blessed me—with a new will to live. She wouldn't ever tell anyone to commit suicide."

'Let's kill ourselves.' Noriko's words on the school roof echoed once again through my mind. Asagiri was still oblivious to the true identity of the girl she seemingly bonded with. What would happen if I confessed Noriko's secret? Would Asagiri be elated? Happy that her idol was actually still alive? As far as she knew, Madonna committed suicide on the bridge in the center of town. However, small pockets of DeLightfuls still believed in her continued existence. Well, conspiracy theories usually get proven right these days.

"I believe you," I told Asagiri. "Madonna cheered for the beauty of life, just as much as the beauty of death, right?"

She nodded, and Asagiri's blue eyes finally peeked over her knees. "She's the only reason I didn't commit suicide, when things were tough. Sakura and Sonozaki were great friends, though Madonna reached out to me first."

"Hmm? Like literally?"

"No dummy," she giggled. "When I was introverted and wondering if life was still worth living, I started looking around online for answers. Maybe I was searching for boyfriends that would tell me sweet nothings, but instead I found Madonna."

"Didn't she kill herself?" I said with full confidence, careful to avoid raising Asagiri's suspicions.

"That's the official story, yeah, but I think she's alive out there somewhere. Just a gut feeling, ya' know?"

You have no clue how right you are. "Who reached out to you online then?"

Asagiri let go of her legs and stretched them outwards into the aisle. After a large yawn, she seemed back to her normal self. "Well no one else wanted to talk with me, but DeLightfuls did. Already knew about their cult, but I always thought they were just misunderstood. One thing led to another and next thing I knew I was attending their sermons, where they preached the teachings Madonna left behind for us."

"Still don't think you're the kind of person into lessons," I chuckled.

She ignored my quip and stared out the wide window behind her, as if trying to see her own reflection. "I was a different person back then—Sonozaki should've told you as much. But that old me is still buried inside somewhere. Would you still want me for a girlfriend if I ever became a full DeLightful again?"

I looked deep into her glistening, beautiful eyes as she gazed back into mine. Neither of us spoke for a few precious moments.

But I was still at a loss for words. Would I really be capable of harboring somebody that represented the group of people I despised most? Having her sleep right down the hall from me? As much as I liked Asagiri, I don't think she fathomed the harm DeLightfuls had inflicted on Kikuchi, on me, on Noriko herself, and on society in general. Asagiri was blinded by her adoration for Madonna to truly pull the zealous ideology aside; but I'd already decided before to accept Asagiri with all baggage included. DeLightful or not, she was still the person who saved me from myself, just like I saved Noriko in turn all those years ago.

Without thinking, my arm slung itself around Asagiri's waist and scooted her into me. A moment of surprise streaked across her face, then she cutely smiled before resting her head against my shoulder.

"Why are you so cringe?" she giggled and made herself more comfortable.

"Well, it's your job to keep me away from DeLightfulness, right? Maybe I can do the same for you."

"Dummy. I'm only a moderate. I won't go off and kill myself if Cardinal asks me to."

"Moderate?"

Asagiri raised her closed hand in front of us and started counting fingers. "At the GiG academy, they taught us there's three types of DeLightfuls: first are the larpers, who are basically just people pretending to be DeLightfuls for trend's sake."

"Like Sonozaki and Sakura in high school, right?" I said

"Mhmm. Second are the moderates—me—who're folks who actually believe in DeLightfulness, but keep that fact to themselves and live like normal people. We're not super zealots like the loyalists though."

"Loyalist sounds kinda extreme." My thoughts immediately wandered to the DeLightful couple from the movie theater.

"Yeah," Asagiri nodded. "Loyalists—the last type—are basically loonies who let DeLightfulness consume them. They've lost their mind and surrendered everything to Cardinal's glorified religion. They're essentially martyrs willing to die for their cause, so Cardinal prioritizes them over other DeLightfuls."

"Didn't know there was a hierarchy system," I chuckled

"Well, it's not official or anything, just categories we assigned them." Asagiri reached into her cleavage and pulled out the Kill Switch. "If Cardinal ever triggers the Deadman's Switch—almost all the loyalists would kill themselves, alongside a chunk of the moderates, and a few of the larpers probably would too."

Cardinal's Deadman's Switch was his trump card he kept as both a last resort, and as a constant blade he kept hovering over society. On a whim or even upon his death, an order would go out commanding all his followers to commit mass suicide, with which many of whom would gladly comply. The threat's mere existence made Cardinal untouchable, and led to the formation of the GiG program as one of the only methods to fight back against him. But there's no way he doesn't know about the program's true purpose by now. Is it just not enough of a threat for him to care? Or is he planning something now that Madonna's returned?

Asagiri continued her explanation. "The scariest type are the moderates though. They're probably the biggest category per capita, and since they keep their beliefs to themselves, it's hard to guess exactly how many exist."

"Weren't there millions of members in Japan alone?"

"Yeah, in total including all the larpers, moderates, and loyalists. Moderates are becoming less loyal to Cardinal though, but if he could ever find a way to reel us back in, that's when he might have an actual shot at world domination."

I tried meeting her eyes. "Okay, now you gotta be pulling my leg."

"Maybe, or maybe not." She turned away from me. "Nothing short of Madonna being alive would sway us, so you got me locked as your girlfriend until then."

Urg . . . "W-Well, probably don't mention that around Kikuchi."

Her fist gave my knee a gentle bonk. "Stupid, I'm not that stupid. I feel bad about her husband, but if he really worshiped Madonna, he should've known she'd never push anyone towards suicide."

My face visibly cringed. "You sure sound like you know her really well."

"Just from her old teachings. They're literally life saving if someone really needs them, but interpreted wrong, they might make her seem like a bad person."

'Death is like fire.' Noriko's words rang through my mind again. 'People are scared of it because they don't understand it, and judge solely on surface level observations.' After surviving an entire week of her lessons seven years ago, I could attest to the power of her words. She didn't rely on platitudes or empty promises, but instead channeled her passion into gospel that would eventually be recited by millions. Even in DeLightuful's early days before they'd amassed a huge following, it was inevitable at least a few followers commit suicide right after their idol did too. Maybe she should've considered that possibility at least.

"I'm still glad she saved my future girlfriend though," I smiled. "Maybe DeLightfuls aren't all bad."

Asagiri wriggled out of my arm and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a round lollipop then unwrapped it before offering it to me. "Here. Saying things I like won't get you laid, but I'll at least give you treats as a reward."

"Huh? I thought you didn't bring one? You didn't eat any all day."

A quick blush spread across her face. "Maybe I'm rationing a bit so I can save money for something."

"Hmmm? Like what?"

She jabbed the red lollipop onto my lips, pressing it hard. "Don't pry. Just suck on it like the virgin you are."

"Gotcha." I snapped the sucker into my mouth, and purposely took it in deep enough for her fingers to graze against my lips.

"Ew," she jerked her hand away from me. "You're too thirsty for your own good."

"Guilty as charged." I grinned a wider smile with the lollipop stick between my teeth.

As the last train of the day pulled into our station, I couldn't help but wonder if everything was going right with my life, or if the small cracks that had appeared lately were warnings of things to come. Asagiri was still a DeLightful at heart—part of the cult I could never forgive for what they almost sentenced me and Noriko to. But since Madonna still walked among us, there always loomed the possibility Asagiri could revert to her old ways. What then? Would she even still be the same person?

But I'd already resolved to accept my girlfriend no matter what extra baggage she carried. She endorsed me for everything I was, so it's obvious I would do the same for her. For now though, keeping Noriko's secret to myself was the optimal course, but who knew for how long I could maintain it.