Expiation

 My nightly cycle includes buying food from a local convenient store, then going straight home. After finishing my meal, I would then indulge in whatever meaningless activity I could think of. Finally, when I’m too tired to continue, it’s time to go to bed, the part which I struggle with.

Since my parents are always home late, I could always shift my activities to something more abnormal, just like tonight. I got a meat bun from burger queen instead, and well, stayed out until nightfall. Having spotted a perfectly vacant chair at a park, I sat down and contemplate Kiri’s information that I had.

“I can’t think of any place where she could be, nor do I know any of her friends to ask about it. I’m really at a loss here huh, what do you think, Kae?”

I looked up expecting an answer from the girl but, she wasn’t there.

Right, I forgot that I never told her anything about Kiri so there was no way she could help me with this. I have to do this on my own.

Anyhow, what’s baffling is that I know close to nothing about Kiri, she was my best friend in both grade and middle school. What I am sure of is that I did cherish my time with her. Yet ever since I enrolled in high school, she just seemed to fade out of my life completely, despite the fact that she went to the same school I did. Nevertheless, I really want to see her again, this raging fire inside of me doesn’t lie.

“Oh yeah! Her family!”

Realizing my utter stupidity just now, why didn’t I think of the people closest to her? Why would I just assume her familial situation is similar to mine? Dumb o’ me.

“Wait, wouldn’t I just be incredibly rude If I remind them of their run-away girl.”, it would take an unaware imposing bastard to do that, which, I’m fine with acting the role.

I recalled the apartment Kiri used to live in, 13th May Street is where it resides. It was like the time of my reaching the location itself knew it was irrelevant, it eluded me. Then like a time-skip, I was at the door knocking. Said door opened.

“Um… mind If I asked who you are?” Asked the worrying middle-aged woman standing before me, and I noticed her grasping the door, to which I realized that she was concerned. Knowing that, I answered accordingly.

“Sorry to intrude at this time but, your daughter, Kiri Kobayashi-”

“Kiri Marston”, she added. A different last name than I remembered, and a non-Japanese one at that.

“I remarried at the end of her middle school years. If you’re confused.”

“Ah, no, I’m sorry, well I was one of Kiri’s friends in grade and middle school you see.”

For the first time she made an expression that could deem her human, and along with that a similar voice. “A boy, and a friend, hmm, she did say she had a male friend once. Oh yes, you’re Stan right? ”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Hmm, weird. She never told you about her family? And you guys came to the same high school, why did you break up.”

I paused to recollect, however, nothing clear came to mind.

“I think she mentioned her dad sometimes. I’m sorry I don’t really remember. But that’s beside the point, I’m here to find out the reason why she ran away.”

“Ok then.”

She put a momentary halt to her talking as if rehearsing a line.

“Sure, in short, she was bored and depressed ever when she entered high school. No, it’s not because of the divorce, she just wanted something more exciting in her life and went out to get it. She’s independent and can take care of herself so you don’t have to worry. About where exactly did she go, I have no idea.”

She kept an indifferent tone throughout her whole talking like she’d said this a million times before. Bewildered by her lack of distress towards her daughter’s runaway, I was left speechless.

“Um… I think that’s all I could help you with, if there isn’t anything else then, goodnight.”, following her rough farewell, the door was shut before me. I stood there for a minute or two, figuring whether I should bother the woman again or just leave without gathering any valuable information. After another minute, I opted for the latter.

As I trudged through the night, my eyes were discerned by the surrounding flashing illumination. My mind was empty, and I couldn’t help but be baffled by everything.

Was Kiri like me? Is it because she’s also bored, that’s why she wanted to run away?

No, that seemed too vague of a reason. How could I ignore the elephant in the room here, her parents’ separation? Dang, I can’t tell whether her mother was lying or not, I need more solid information, I still wasn’t ready to piece all this together. I couldn’t even think of a place she could have gone to.

Whatever, let’s just go home. I give up.

And so, I did. Only a few hours ago I felt like I was reborn, and now I was back to my old lifeless self. What the hell was I thinking, Kiri’s been missing for a year and a half already. What hope could I, who’s simply an old friend, have to be able to do something?

                                                                                   ***

Just as the door to my house entered my field of vision, I reached my hand toward the handle and opened it.

“You’re awfully late.”

A voice inside caught me off-guard, but I swiftly calmed down when I realized her identity. It was from my mother, apparently, she had just arrived home.

Looks like I was out pretty late.

“Yeah,” I spoke as I nonchalantly walked to my room without another word.

“And you’re not telling me why?” She said disappointingly as if she had anticipated it.

It’s been forever since I could talk intimately with my parents. It wasn’t because I resent them or anything like that, it’s just that we’re not really the type to really spend much time with each other. Despite living together, our bond wasn’t truly there, but I guess we barely see each other in the house anyway since they work so much.

And now, there’s a wall between us, and there’s no real reason for me to break it. I’m fine with it as long as they take care of me. I don’t need to be friends with the people who are here to only feed me.

Sigh

She let out a lengthy exhale behind me, a sound of hopelessness and boredom, a sound that felt like she had given up.

“…”

For some reason, I halted my step. And I pondered.

There was a reason why I only started to search for Kiri after so long, I never cared about her when it happened. Even if something did happen between me and Kiri, it was still wrong to not even bat an eye when my childhood friend ran away. Actually, we stopped being friends in high school, so the wall between us existed even before. And now, she’s gone, and there’s nothing more I could hope to do.

.

“I was finding Kiri.” I turned my back and told her.

She was speechless, but only for a Moment before she recollected herself.

“Kiri? The girl who ran away, your old best friend?”

“Yes.”

She was shocked, whether it was because of the subject of my speech or the fact that I was speaking, I did not know.

“W-Why Stan? It’s been more than a year already, I don’t see what’s the point in finding her now.”

“I don’t know, I just want to find my old friend. Maybe you could think of where she could be?”

“Well, you’re her friend. Shouldn’t you know?”

“I can’t remember anything, that’s why I’m asking you.”

She raised her eyes as if she had recalled something.

“Oh, all right. Well, here’s my guess. She can’t live in amusement and public parks, so maybe somewhere that she has a relative living with?” She spoke with a hint of excitement in her tone, and a glint of vibrancy sparked a few times on her face.

Relative

For some reason, that word bugged me. I know nothing about her family, so what hope could there be for her even more inconspicuous members? Yet, I felt like this was a clue.

“Relative… What if she’s living with our relative.” I spoke, albeit with a slight disjointed voice.

Bewildered by my incoherent thinking, she asked.

“What does that even mean?”

“Uncle… Uncle Rob, I remember Kiri used to go there with us, right?”

“Oh yeah! Your dad used to drive you kids to his restaurant on the other side of town.”

“Kiri used to be interested in cooking, so she was always eager to go with me. It would make sense for her to follow one of her childhood dreams if she ran away right? I mean she was probably tired of the boring life and was longing for something more. Even more so, she had someone she knew and trust, Uncle Rob.”

“Well Stan, do you think this is a lead?”

“Yes! Thank you, Mom.”

As my legs impulsively moved toward her, my arms willing raised to give way to the act. However, I felt embarrassed midway through and decided to lower them.

Awkwardness stood between us, however, a smile was still plastered on my Mom’s face.

“It’s okay, I’m happy to help.” Her face was filled with contentment, like she had experienced what she had longed for for the longest time.

And, it affected me too. Since after that talk, I went to my room and slept soundly that night. It was nice finally being having a constant excitement.

Even though there was more I could find out about Kiri’s situation, a lead was enough to content me. And so, as the first ray of light shined through my room, I opened my eyes, sensing my fiery vigor was back.