Diane, the World’s Worst Matchmaker

For once in what seemed like a long time, Vivian and I were aligned on something, because she was not satisfied with Diane’s answer.

“Come on, Diane, really?” Vivian asked, “You act all serious and ask that I bring the bracelet this morning, and yet you’re only telling me things I already know?”

“I wish there was more to tell you,” the Astral Viscountess shrugged.

“Diane.”

“Vivian,” Diane sternly cut her off, “I was only concerned the bracelet harbored malicious intent, that it could harm you. It could have been a curse, it could have been a highly unstable magical formula. I brought you here in case the bracelet needed to be isolated and put in containment.”

“Which means…”

“It means your bracelet is safe to use,” Diane nodded, “But I must admit I’m more interested in seeing how your relationship with it evolves over time, and that, my dear Vivian, I’d like to see happen organically.”

Diane emphasized that last word with indescribable sarcasm rolling off her tongue. She cast another sidelong glance towards my general presence. She was having too much fun at my expense.

“Relationship?” Vivian raised an eyebrow.

“Haven’t you ever fallen in love with a piece of new technology?”

No. Don’t do this.

“No?” Vivian replied.

Diane needed to stop speaking. Even in the highly improbable universe where I had indeed developed feelings for Vivian Greymoor, this strategy would never work. In fact, it would likely backfire and drive Vivian away from ever using her attribute menu ever again. And in said improbable universe, that I must repeat was incredibly unlikely, that was absolutely not what I wanted to happen.

“I’ve seen a lot of artifacts,” Diane said, “And there are some, quite rare mind you, where you can almost sense their benevolence, that they’re there to help and guide you. Like a good friend. Maybe even a lover.”

Didn’t she want things to evolve organically? What happened to that?

“Diane, I think you’ve spent too much time in the Grand Enchantress’s Chamber,” Vivian laughed, “I have no idea what you’re trying to say.”

“Think of it this way. Maybe you don’t feel that much stronger because you haven’t really entered into a relationship with the bracelet,” Diane suggested, “The stronger your link with the bracelet, the stronger you and the bracelet will be.”

“What, you mean to enter into a contract with it?”

“No, no,” Diane shook her head, “Contracts are for familiars. I mean more of like a transactional symbiosis between you and your artifact. It shares with you its magical essence, you share with it your person, your emotions, thoughts and feelings.”

“Does that really exist?”

“Of course,” Diane shooed away Vivian’s concerns, “In fact, it’s a burgeoning field of study. There was an essay in last month’s journal, what was it called, Essence Bonds and Parasociological Enchantments?”

No. I refused to believe it. I’m sure Diane made that up on the spot. That couldn’t possibly be real.

“Are you saying I should just talk to it?” Vivian asked.

“You can, but what do I know?” Diane asked, “I’m just the Grand Enchantress of the Enchanters Guild with multiple years of experience investigating and examining rare relics.”

“Okay, okay. You’ve made your point, Diane,” Vivian sighed, appearing unconvinced, and stood up, “But we really should get going now. Emily?”

“Say hi to Stefan and Vladimir for me, I’m sure I’ve caused headaches for the two of them,” Diane waved, “Do please consider what I’ve said, Vivian. I’m serious when I say that your bracelet could very well be the key to your revenge.”

The carriage ride back to the Greymoor estate was mostly quiet. Neither lady nor maid felt very interested in conversing about their exhausting experience with the Astral Viscountess. However, Vivian fidgeted a little more than usual, as if Diane’s ideas had awakened a restless impulse. Her fingers lurked in the vicinity of her cerulean bracelet and she intentionally tried to keep her eyes fixed on the afternoon horizon.

“What do you think, Em?” it was Vivian who broke the silence, “About what Diane was talking about?”

“Lady Astral is as cryptic as ever,” Emily said, “But, if I may Lady Greymoor, she has never had a bad idea.”

I wasn’t so sure about that.

When they returned, Vivian first made for Stefan’s room, but found both him and Vladimir waiting for her at the front porch of the mansion.

“He was worried,” was all Vladimir said.

“I’m sorry, Stefan,” Vivian apologized.

“Well, at least she didn’t transform you into a frog,” Stefan chortled, “Did you at least learn anything new from her?”

Vivian paused.

“No. Not a thing.”

“Well, what a shame.”

For the rest of the day, I tried forgetting my exchanges with Diane and focused on rolling out my latest feature for Vivian’s character menu. Admittedly, I had to give the Astral Viscountess a little bit of credit, for the update (even if it was mostly finished already) was partially inspired by what she had last told me.

After dinner, Vivian retreated to her room as usual. Once Emily had arranged the window drapes and left her final cup of coffee on the nightstand, Vivian spent her usual half an hour reading yet another book from her father’s study, prompting the acquisition of a yet another level and a new attribute point. That was when I pushed the latest feature to production with wearied skepticism.

Vivian seemed to expect this. The bracelet gleamed under the night candles, but she didn’t immediately rush to open her display and distribute her newly acquired level. Instead, she took a deep breath and removed the bracelet from her wrist, fostering it in the palms of her two hands.

At first, I feared that my worst anxieties had become realized. Diane’s ramblings had convinced Vivian that this entire enterprise, the levels, the stats, everything must have been a sham. I was to be shoved into a drawer, never to be activated again. All of my work, ruined by the incoherent advice of a prankster.

“Hello there…bracelet,” Vivian whispered, “Is that what I should call it? No, I should say ‘you’, right? That’s more respectful.”

No way.

“No way, this is crazy,” Vivian darted her eyes towards the door, scared someone was going to walk in on her talking with an inanimate object, “Why am I doing this?”

Vivian set down the bracelet for a moment and clapped her face with her palms. She shook her head vigorously, her cheeks now glowing crimson. She picked the bracelet back up and spoke to me again in a kind and thoughtful rhythm.

“Ok. Here we go,” Vivian exhaled, “Bracelet. Bracey? We haven’t spoken before, but as I’m sure you know, or maybe you don’t, I’m Vivian Greymoor, heiress to the Greymoor estate. Is that it? Is that all I say? No, that can’t be right. Why don’t we go with this?”

Another deep breath, and Vivian started anew.

“People have been asking me lots of questions,” she began, “Why revenge? Why try to embarrass the prince at the Royal Ball? What would it really gain? Isn’t it really petty of me? What does revenge even mean?

“My father is always talking about principles. Well, I have principles too. We live in a world where men can cast aside the women who love them and not feel a shred of regret. I’m here, feeling miserable for myself, while the prince gets to enjoy his fairy tale story with a woman with magic commissioned by the gods? No! Where’s the fairness in that?

“Here’s what I want, bracelet, and maybe you can help me with some of this. But I’m going to be the most beautiful woman at the ball. I’ll be stronger, smarter, more fashionable. I want the prince to grovel at my feet, asking for forgiveness for ever having annulled our arrangement. If, by any chance, you can even grant me some magic powers, that would help too.”

As she finished speaking, something in my mind must have short-circuited, because I found myself incapable of conjuring up a response or retort. Not that I could verbalize any of it to Vivian, but I did enjoy the ability to inject that off-beat comeback to feel like I was still participating in a conversation.

Instead, I merely gazed senselessly as Vivian finished her thoughts addressed to me. The world stopped, as if the Astral Viscountess had snapped her fingers again, and bursts of fervorous emotions resonated from deep within me. It took another moment to realize that my paralysis stemmed from feelings of pure elation.

Diane, you’re a genius.