The Astral Viscountess

"N-nice to meet you?"

On the list of responses I would give to the person who might end my life a second time, I certainly didn't expect that greeting to rank at the top of the list. To top it all off, this was the first time my voice had been given any audible quality since I had reincarnated, and I regretted that I still sounded so weak and timid.

"So it talks," Diane thought aloud, "Has the construct been grafted with a soul?"

"I'm sorry but this is my private home and I'm not sure who you are," I stuttered, hoping that, if I pretended to be a benevolent host for long enough, she would simply go away.

But Diane of course ignored my pleas and sauntered in circles around me, every once in a while shifting her attention to the contents of my room.

"The interior design could do with a little work," said the Astral Viscountess before snapping her fingers.

The contours of my room disintegrated like the white wisps of a dandelion in the wind. The arbor garden from the outside world filled the empty void, except Vivian and Emily were missing from the picture. Two chairs rocked in a calm summer breeze and Diane occupied the one furthest from me. She gestured for me to come forth.

"Sit here," she commanded.

In the same way that her request to Vivian was a mere formality, in the next second I found myself thrust into the chair opposite the Astral Viscountess. She calmly stirred a sugar cube into a cup of dark red tea on the table and took a sip. I wondered if the tea was real.

"So," Diane crossed her legs, "Who are you?"

"Huh?"

“Who. Are. You?” Diane repeated with a suspiciously patient tone.

“I’m not so sure you’d understand,” I answered truthfully.

“Hmm,” Diane nodded, took another sip of tea, and leaned forward, “Try me, little construct. You’re lucky I’ve already discerned that you aren’t a curse, otherwise I would have iced your magical circuits and put you on display in a museum.”

Now, I didn’t understand any of the words coming out of Diane’s mouth, but I understood the message behind them.

“Okay, you’ve made your point,” I said, “I don’t know much, but my name is Kyle Young. I’m a human from a different world, and some goddess trapped me in this bracelet for being a spreadsheet enthusiast.”

“You’re a transmigrant then,” Diane said, “So I suppose there is merit to that crackpot theory.”

“You’re taking this a little bit too well, and it’s kind of scary.”

“Well, what have you done in the last three weeks?” Diane ignored me and opened a new line of questioning, “If you’re wondering how I know you’ve only been here for three weeks, it’s because your soul leaves a historical imprint on the bracelet, which I can date.”

“Right,” I said, slowly, “I don’t know how else to say it, but the bracelet grants Vivian access to an attribute system. In other words, she gains levels, by that I mean, she gains points that she can place into her physical or mental attributes like her strength or intelligence.”

So this was what explaining your favorite video game to a clueless person felt like.

“Oh I know all this already,” Diane laughed as if she had read my mind, “Don't be so uptight. Now that I know you’re a human I’m going to be much more amenable.”

Diane set down her tea as if it had been her weapon.

“Here’s the deal,” she said, “Vivian’s a good friend. One of the only ones I’ve ever had. The magical essence flowing from her bracelet, from you rather, was alarming, to say the least. If you were a curse, Vivian would have never parted with you willingly, so I…intervened, on her behalf.”

“That’s very noble of you.”

“But even if you aren’t a curse,” Diane continued. “That doesn’t mean that I like the idea of her carrying around an artifact of your caliber. Which is why I need to know what you’re doing.”

“And if you don’t like what I’m doing?”

“Well, then, maybe I’ll still dismantle you.”

“Look, nothing I do is even working,” I sighed, “Vivian wants to get revenge on the prince at the Royal Ball, which is why she needs to boost her social attributes which will allow her to charm the aristocracy at the event. But no matter what I do, she never chooses the attributes I want her to; she doesn’t even know I’m in here.”

“Wait,” Diane chuckled, “There’s a lot to unpack there. So you’re aware that Vivian wants to show up the prince at the ball?”

“Yes.”

“And you want to help her?”

“Yes?”

“May I ask why?”

“Well,” I paused, “I’m stuck in this little bracelet, aren’t I? What else is there for me to do?”

“A lot of things actually,” Diane shrugged, “The bracelet acts as a vessel and transforms its abilities based on the wants and needs of the user.”

“Really?”

“Really. Anyway, ViviDailies? Vidipedia? These are all portmanteaus with the name Vivian in it, right?”

“How do you know about those things? Have you been looking into my stuff? How are you doing that? Stop it.”

“Then there are all these other notes, not to mention all the modest posters of Vivian on these walls. Oh!” Diane paused, as if she had spontaneously realized something. But her pause was deliberately telegraphed; it was done in that exaggerated capacity when one was clearly on the verge of mockery. Her eyes widened in anticipation, her palm flat over her mouth, all of her gestures a wild act to say what I already knew was coming.

Wait. Had she been stringing me along this entire time?

“Okay just say it,” I demanded.

“Oh dear, you like her, don’t you?”

“No, absolutely not!” I sputtered, “Her? No. She can’t even figure out I’m trying to talk to her, let alone put her attributes into the right category.”

“Then why put in so much effort?”

“Because it’s frustrating and I’m invested now. I’ve spent too much time on her to not see things through.”

Diane shook her head and laughed uncontrollably. I didn’t get what was so funny about what I had said.

“You know,” Diane pinched the bridge of her nose, “Back in the academy, Vivian always took way more classes than she could handle and it drove everyone, including the administrators, insane.”

“What are you talking about now?”

“So, you know what we did? We told her some of the classes got canceled or didn’t exist anymore, to get her to take less classes.”

Diane stood up and snapped her fingers. The garden disappeared and the contours of my own room returned as if it had all been a trick of the light.

“You know what, you’re funny, Kyle,” Diane said, “I like you. More than that prince too, if I’m going to be honest. I hope we’ll talk again real soon.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” I yelled, realizing an opportune moment, “You’re the first person in this world to know that I actually exist. Just tell Vivian! Just tell her that I’m in here. You’ve already read the Vivipedia, you know everything. Just tell her what she needs to do!”

But Diane wasn’t listening. She blinked out of the room as if she was logging out of a video game, and I was free again to move around and shift my perspective. In the outside world, the translucent cube Diane had summoned disintegrated and spacetime resumed as normal. The ripples in Vivian’s coffee cup faded and the falling cedar leaf found its home on the hems of Emily’s skirt. Diane composed herself and pretended not a single thing had happened.

“What do you mean I’ve already agreed?” Vivian asked, continuing the prior conversation.

“I mean that I’ve already looked into the bracelet,” Diane explained. “Just by touching it last night, I learned a lot about what it was. In fact, I spent most of last night deciphering what I observed.”

“And?”

“The bracelet serves as an enhancer for your natural abilities,” Diane explained, “It’s not much but based on your current usage, you should see marginal improvements in your physical and mental capabilities.”

‘It’s not much’ because Vivian put her stats in all the wrong categories!

“Well, I think Stefan already mentioned something like that to me and truth be told, I’m not feeling all too improved. Is there anything else about it that I should know?” Vivian asked.

Yes, there was. Tell her, Diane! Tell her that I'm here!

But Diane just shook her head, and I could have sworn that she swirled her head and winked in my general direction.

“Nope, nothing really.”