The Pun Detective Heads to His Headquarters! (Part 7)

Once my false alarm of a sneezing escapade was over and my eyes had adjusted to the alternating light, I finally got a good look at the room itself. In the center of the room, right underneath the lightbulb that was unfortunately the room’s sole source of bright (cause the windows seemed to be letting in more dusk than day, even though it was only a little after noon) was a table — the first I’d seen all day. It made me miss having desks in class more than ever.

On closer inspection though, I noticed it was no table at all. It was a stack of cardboard boxes, nestled together unsteadily, and a single large flattened box laid on top of them all to form the tabletop. The assemblage was swaying back and forth. And there wasn’t even any wind in here. That was just how ramshackle it was, I guessed. A monument to corrugated fragility, dusty, musty, and dry.

But hey, it could’ve been worse. At least the place wasn’t infested with bugs or anything.

I nudged the cardboard structure with a hesitant toe, half expecting something — anything — manylegged to come scurrying out. But nothing did.

I picked up a bag-lined trash bin that made its home in the far corner and peered inside. Empty.

I pulled back one of the thick curtains that sheeted the window, letting at least a scant few more straw-dull sunbeams into the room, and checked behind it.

Nope. No bugs anywhere it seemed.

Thankfully. I hated bugs. Couldn’t stand ‘em. In fact, the worst fainting episode I’d ever had, besides my brush with the chilling power of old, unchilled egg salad, had been at the hands — or rather the crunchy, hairy, acute-angled legs — of a glossy, hard-shelled, compound-eyed, droning, jittering, scuttling—

“Is the office to your satisfaction, Boss?” Lily said, interrupting my train of thought. I couldn’t have been more grateful.

I mulled her question over for a second before I answered. “U-uh, yeah.” I nodded. It was only half true. The place would certainly need a lot of work. First and foremost a lot of vacuuming. But what I really wanted to clear up first was…

“The only thing I’m not sold on,” I told her, “is the name.”

“The name?” She looked confused again. So did Greg and Evan.

I figured I’d have to explain. So I did.

“Lily, you said this was an office, right?”

She nodded, a slight dip of the chin.

“Well, I’ve never had an office before in my life, making this not only the first office I’ve ever had, but also the best.”

“I see,” she said. “Then you finally have one, Boss. I am glad to hear that.”

“I’m not. Actually, what’s the opposite of glad? That’s what I am.” I was as blunt as a worn woodchip about it.

As soon as I said it, Greg ribbed me in the side. Hard. “Get a clue, dude,” he whispered, cupping his hands so Lily wouldn’t hear. I figured she could anyway since she had the auditory abilities of a hawk. Plus, she was only standing about a foot and a half away. “She obviously likes you. At least a little. So play into this whole RED thing a little why don’t you? You have serious chances with her, you know, so don’t blow ‘em.”

First of all, no. She didn’t “like me.” Not even a little.

Second and most important of all, even if this was about my “chances,” which it wasn’t, those “chances” were about the size and shape of a paper dinghy punched full of holes on rough high seas. Who cared if a vessel like that capsized? Not me.

The three of us — me, Greg, and Evan — curled into a huddle. “What makes you say that?” I asked.

“Duh. Isn’t it obvious?”

“Nope.”

“She’s talking to you. And like a normal human being no less. That’s farther than you’ve gotten with any other girl. Way farther.”

“Are you dense?” Pointlessly, because I was sure Lily could hear everything we were saying anyway, I was struggling to keep my volume to a minimum. More than that, I was struggling not to wallop Greg. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“I’m with Wallace. I don’t think she’d be into someone who was so scared to ask her out he peed his pants.”

“Hey, not true. I peed my pants way after I tried to ask her out… Hey, wait a minute! No I didn’t! That wasn’t my pee! This is slander!”

“No use trying to downplay this one, dude. I saw the video. You were definitely peeing your pants.”

So there was a video after all. No surprise there. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, it showed me peeing my pants? Why? Did someone go through the trouble of editing it to make me look even worse? I was never going to live this down, was I?

We broke huddle, and I turned back to Lily. “I’m not glad. I’ll be honest. This place isn’t much of an office.”

Lily frowned. “So it is not to your satisfaction then?”

“No, no. I didn’t say that. It’s just, y’know, it doesn’t really seem too office-y. So what if we changed that?”

“Change? How?”

“How about…?” I thought for a moment. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. I came up with a good idea. Sometimes, I even surprised myself. “How about we call this place our HQ?”

Screw me for even buying into this RED business enough to seriously be considering a rename. Still, I thought “HQ” was a pretty good term to use, all things considered. Less dull and dreary than “office,” that was for sure. And if there was one thing this place needed less of, it was dull and drear.

“HQ…” Lily said the word like she was trying out its taste and texture. “I believe I like that idea, Boss.”

“So do I,” I agreed. That was how we came to call the dusty, musty room — lit by a single foggy lightbulb blinking out the last of its life, furnished with nothing more than some cardboard boxes and strands of light coming through windows that somehow seemed to darken the place — our HQ.

“So,” said Lily, “is HQ to your satisfaction, Boss?” A repeat of the earlier question, only with “office” swapped out for “HQ.”

This time, I didn’t hesitate to answer. “You bet.”

It wasn’t a lie. Sometimes it really was all in the name.

Lily breathed a sigh tinged with more than a little relief. “Phew. I suppose I will not be needing these then.”

She tossed to the floor a sledge hammer, a jackhammer, a hack saw, a bundle of cord, a drill with an assortment of bits, a dozen or so cans of spray paint, and a full-on hazmat suit.

What had she been planning to do with all of that? Remodel, right here, right now? Or something more… sinister? I eyed the cord. I didn’t think I wanted to know the answer. I was just glad I had answered her question with a yes. Anything could have happened otherwise.

Seriously though, where had she been storing all that junk?

“Hmm?” She cocked her head to the side, a trademark of hers it seemed, when I asked. “Do you not know, Boss? Maids have a lot of pockets.”

The end of The Pun Detective Heads to His Headquarters!
To be continued in Pun Detectives and the Case of the Kidnapped Kitten!