Iva- Sorting out

It's finally winter break. Maybe saying it finally doesn't fit well though.

I had a whole list of things I planned to do during this time. But for the past few days, I found myself trapped in the confines of my own home, aimlessly wandering between my room, the dining, and the living room. My initial plans for the break have been put on hold. Each day seemed to blur into the next with no significant progress. No matter how resolute I felt about the next day, when it arrived, I would be back to square one.

Today, the cold felt especially harsh. As an escape, I'd retreated to the comfort of my bed with a warm cup of coffee. Just sitting there, wrapped in a cozy blanket, I found myself staring out of the foggy window. With a gentle touch, I tried to clear the glass, creating a clearer view of the outside world.

Recalling the previous winter just adds to the burden I've to carry. When Noah and I were still together. As the seasons changed, we find ourselves once again approaching winter, but this time, we are apart. It tugs at my heart, and I can't help but feel a sense of longing as I stare at my idle phone on the table, hoping for a message from someone, whether it be Noah, or even Alan, to bring a bit of warmth to this cold season. However, the screen remains blank, devoid of any messages.

Feeling a sigh escape my lips, I realized that I can't spend my winter break waiting for something that may not happen. I messaged Alan.

Good morning, Alan. What are you doing?

After hitting the "send" button, I set my coffee mug back on the table and waited. Minutes stretched into what felt like an eternity, yet there was no reply from Alan. "Hasn't he woken up yet?" I murmured to myself, trying to rationalize the apparent lack of response.

I then turned to send Noah a message. However, as I stared at the blank message box, I found myself at a loss for words. It seemed like such a simple task, but I couldn't find the right way to begin. "Good morning" felt too casual, and I wanted to convey more than just a greeting. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, hesitating as I attempted to untangle the jumbled thoughts in my mind. Running my fingers through my hair, I took a deep breath.

After pondering another while, I finally typed, Good morning, Noah.

Almost instantly, his reply came through. Good morning. How are you doing?

I'm fine. Just wondering what you guys are doing.

Well, I don't have anything exciting to tell you. Winter has never been this boring in my life.

He too doesn't have anything to do after all. It felt like the perfect time to me to ask him out.

Same here. How about taking a walk outside? I haven't been out in a while.

In this cold...?

Yeah.

...

Alright.

I'm surprised, to be honest. I didn't anticipate him agreeing so quickly. My luck. Overwhelmed with excitement, I delved into my wardrobe, debating on what to wear. We rendezvoused at the park and commenced our leisurely stroll through the serene neighborhood. The town seemed still asleep, and even with the sun shining, its rays lacked the warmth to thaw our skin.

As I led the way down the town, we stumbled upon a café. It seemed to have magically appeared overnight, although I hadn't frequented this part of town enough to be certain.

"I remember Mom talking about it..." Noah said, his eyes carefully scanning the building's exterior. "She mentioned a new café opening in town. Perhaps she was referring to this one."

"Crystal Sky," I murmured as I gently pushed open the door. The sweet chime of the bell welcomed us as we stepped inside, as if ushering in a whole new season. The café's ambiance wrapped around us like a comforting embrace, filling the air with a sense of coziness and charm. The delightful aroma of freshly brewed coffee permeated the surroundings, enticing us further inside. A warm smile from a waitress greeted us, guiding us to an available table.

"Is this café new here? I don't remember seeing it before..." I asked the waitress.

"Yes, it used to be just a house. They renovated it and turned it into a café." she replied.

The colors were shining brightly from every corner, along with the scent of fresh paint lingering in the air as we entered. We ordered two cups of coffee and took a moment to explore our surroundings. The café exuded a sense of uniqueness and nostalgia. In one corner, a bookshelf and a magazine stand invited us to explore. However, apart from a notebook labeled "Memory Lane," the space seemed pleasantly uncluttered.

I picked up the notebook and turned its empty pages. From every angle, it just seemed like an ordinary notebook. I called another waiter passing by and pointed to the book.

"Excuse me, can you tell me what this is?"

"Oh, are you talking about the Memory lane?"

"Memory lane...?"

"Yeah, the owner gave it this name. Would you like to write in it?"

"Wait, you mean I can write in this?" Hearing her got me curious. "What can I write?"

"Anything you wish. Your feelings, how your day was—anything that comes to mind," she explained.

I'd heard about such notebooks in cafés in big cities, and I was excited to try them out. Returning to my table with it in my hand, I couldn't help but grin. "I've found something really exciting," I told Noah.

He didn't seem all that excited though. "What did you find this time?"

I showed him the memory lane, though there didn't seem to be any apparent change in his expression.

"So, what are you planning to jot down? A detailed report on the freezing temperature outside?"

"Well, it's actually you who's feeling the chill more..."

But before letting me finish, his laughter filled the air, amused by my remark.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Ah, it's just a little something. When did you learn to crack jokes like that?"

It lasted a moment. I caught a glimpse of how his lips danced in response to my remark. It was a side of him I had momentarily forgotten, despite having witnessed his laughter and smiles many, many times before. Calling him out for a walk today was worth it, just to witness that endearing expression once more—it truly made my day.

And perhaps, deep down, I held a silent hope that this time around, I wouldn't lose anything. There's still so much I want to learn about him and how life has unfolded since that day. Those subtle grins he shares with me are like small, reassuring steps toward a deeper connection.

Before the day he departs from us, I want to cherish every moment we have together. It's a bittersweet countdown, and I'm determined to make the most of the time we have left, creating memories that will forever hold a place in my heart. And when that happens... for sure...

From that point on, I became a regular at the café. Sometimes alone, sometimes with Noah or Mom. Each time, I would write something in Memory Lane—my emotions, the small joys of each day. And after penning down each entry, I constantly wondered what I could do next to have an interesting entry to write about.

One day, I decided to invite Noah to the beach. Perhaps it wasn't the most conventional choice for a winter escapade, but I knew it would gift us the luxury of having the entire expanse of sand all to ourselves.

Upon arriving, it didn't take long to realize though... why we were having the entire beach to ourselves. Our excitement mixed with the biting cold, as we bravely faced the relentless wind that swept in from the sea. The chilly air seemed to penetrate deep into our bones. After walking a considerable distance, I suggested that we take a moment to rest. I settled on a bench, and Noah kindly fetched a can of hot coffee from a nearby vending machine.

Cupping the warm can tightly within my hands, I could feel the comforting heat seep into my fingers, offering a brief reprieve from the wintry chill.

"Iva, did you really believe it wouldn't be chilly here?"

"Well, aren't beaches usually all sunny and bright...?"

He gestured upwards. "True, but not when the sun is nowhere to be seen." His words resonated with the overcast sky.

"But it doesn't matter. I still wanted to come."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember the day you confessed your feelings to me?" I asked him, gazing over the vast blue sea. "Right here, by the shore, you opened your heart to me."

Taking a deep breath, Noah replied with a simple, "Yeah."

I wasn't certain if I was crossing a line or if I should change the subject. My mind and my words weren't in sync... I could sense that, but...

"You might not realize, but those words meant everything to me. I had never felt so blessed in my entire life." Noah stayed quiet, his coffee being the only sound, as if he couldn't decide how to react to my words.

"But it wasn't your confession, your 'I love you...' that truly touched my heart. What held more weight for me on that day was the promise you gave—"

"You're still hung up on that?" He expelled a breath, the cold air rushing out in a huff. "When will you let that go?"

"...let that go?"

"Yes, let it go. That promise..."

"I don't understand, Noah."

I'm aware, Noah, that discussing any of this is probably not what you want right now. It's as if we're reopening those emotions we've been struggling to bury. But I've reached a point where leaving things as they are no longer feels right.

"I've told you multiple times, don't hang onto promises like that..." He exhaled sharply, "I thought I'd made myself clear. Iva, you think I'm capable of keeping that promise?"

"But why do you assume you can't? Who says you're unable?"

Noah clenched onto the coffee can as it clasped in, throwing it at the trash can a few meters away from us. But he missed the shot, as the can hit the ground with a loud thud, causing the hot coffee to spill and create a small mess all around.

His breathing became heavy, as if he was trying to calm himself. "Iva, please, I don't want to-"

"What is it, Noah?" I whizzed, "You're not making any sense."

Is it because you'll be leaving me behind? Is it the fear that our future together is uncertain? But does it truly matter? I've come to understand that even if we resist, time has its way of pulling us apart when it deems fit—that's how fate operates. Yet, does that mean our love, my love, and your love, won't endure? Can it really shatter so easily?

I don't want that! I want to offer something, a gift that only I can deliver. I want to give something uniquely my own. I want to take all the happiness, kindness, and warmth you gave to me and set out once more. I don’t want to lose to the darkness. I want to have faith and move forward. This time, for sure, I won’t waste what you’ve given to me. I want to find it. My own proof of what I'd been given. And show it to you.

"Iva, I'm really happy that you've been calling me out over the break. So let's just keep it at that, please."

"Then what about me, Noah?"

"About you?"

"Have you ever thought how I'd been feeling, Noah?"

"Iva, I didn't mean it like-"

I wailed, not letting him finish. "I want to know more about you, Noah... I want to know how you feel, how you think, how you see things... everything."

Everything. I want to know everything. Even if I'm hurt because of it, even if I end up hurting him in the end, I want to know... It's not scary thinking that he'll not be around one day, but what scares me more is my inability to do anything about it.

"You don't need to, Iva. You don't need to."

"But why?"

It's like he's forcing his entire body to blurt out those words. "I'm sorry, Iva. But I can't tell you now."

"Can't you tell me anything, just anything, so that I can be of any help?"

"I'm sorry, Iva."

I remembered that day, when we two talked on the rooftop. I realized then, or maybe way before, when Alan told me about Noah leaving. This is your way of protecting things, right Noah? At the end of the day, we both are the same. But all this time, I'd been searching, and searching...

"You're better off not knowing anything, Iva. Things are better as they are just now." He got up and picked up the can on the ground, putting it back in the trash can. "Thanks for tagging along with me today too. I'll walk back from here alone."

As I sat there, I watched him slowly fade from my sight, and only then did I make my way back. I couldn't find anything, again.

On my way back, I stumbled upon the café. I couldn't resist the pull of nostalgia, so I stepped inside, even though I didn't order anything. My eyes fell upon the familiar sight of the memory lane, sitting there as if waiting for me, as I flipped through all the entries I had made since day one.

To be honest, I had been searching relentlessly for that something within Noah, hoping it would unlock the door to his heart once more. There were times when I believed I was on the verge of discovering it, only to be met with disappointment as I turned each page, realizing that I was only drifting farther away from what I sought.

I grabbed a pen and unleashed my feelings onto the blank page. My scribbles mirrored the turmoil within me, as if trying to drown my disarrayed thoughts in darkness. Or perhaps, these chaotic words were an expression of my own thoughts, struggling to find clarity.

"I don't want this anymore."