Do I request too much?

“This is amazing! After all these years, we can visit Earth again!”
“Shiidou, I do-”
“We can see how everything has changed! How our old school friends have grown up!”
“Shiidou, plea-”
“We can even see our old parents and let them know we’re o-”
“Shiidou, please, I must ask you to cease!”

I’m caught completely off-guard by Ann’s response. I know she doesn’t like me bringing up Earth, but I thought being able to go back would at least make her a little happy. Instead, she looks on the verge of heartbreak.

“Ann, wh-”
“Please, I beg of you. Say no more.”
“But I-”

“Understand you not? How your words wound me so?”

None of this makes sense. We can see our families again. We can see our old home. What could be upsetting her so much?

“Ann, I don’t underst-”
“My love, I know not how to make you realise. For the better years of my life, as far back as my memory does extend, I have cared for you as one would a sibling, and I have loved you as one would a spouse. My life, to only you have I dedicated, and with my strength, only you have I served above all. And yet, so deeply, you wound me. Care you not, for how I feel? For every minute at which I have been awake, nothing but what you need of me have I done. Not out of duty, but out of affection. And yet, you speak of nought but another. Onto me, you project only your feelings for her. Onto me, you give only love intended for her. And for those many years, I have endured such treatment, as past the falsehood of your joyful demeanour I see you are one stricken with grief. And thus, I suffered the daily torment of being your medium to love one who is not myself, believing it to be what is best for my one most beloved. But all that time, by a selfish thought I have been niggled. Must I be ‘Ann, the reincarnation of a lost love’ to be worthy of your affections? Can I not simply remain ‘Ann,’ and nothing over? While you sorrow over one who’s been lost, shall Ann never be a worthy replacement? And although it is you, my master, my friend, my beloved, for whom I care more than any in the world, my heart aches eternally at such an idea. If always it is she, not I, to whom you will give your undying heart, how shall I survive such an agony? I ask not that you forget who you have lost, but selfishly I ask that you spare as much love for those you still have. Do I request too much?”

She looks like she’s on the verge of tears. Despite her ever eloquent manner of speech, he voice wavers and cracks as if she’s using every ounce of her willpower to suppress the urge to cry.

“I-Ann, what are you saying? None of this makes any sense…”

Through her stifled sobs and tears, she heaves a sigh, and in it I can hear a lifetime’s worth of pain and disappointment.

“Still, you fail to comprehend my words? Still, you fail to realise what I’ve been telling you these many long years? My love… whomever you lost in the past, you did not regain. She is not I, and I am not her. I am Ann, and I am only Ann. Upon Terra I was born, upon Terra I shall die. Think you, that I’ve been lying all this time?”

Ann… and her… they’re not the same? That can’t possibly be, I’m certain.

I was certain.

Why was I certain?

Why, all the way back then, was I so convinced they were the same? I must have had a reason… right?

“I… why did… I don’t…”

I failed to even formulate a sentence, but Ann seems to understand what I’m trying to say.

“This person you lost, she was precious to you, yes?”
“I… of course, more precious than anyone on Earth.”
“And to lose her, it broke your spirit?”
“...I suppose it did.”

Oh. I think I understand now.
There was a reason I thought they were the same.
It was desperation.
It was grief.
I couldn’t bear the idea that I’d lost her forever.
I projected those feelings onto Ann.
Ann, the most loyal person to me.
I pushed that grief onto her.

How could I have been so cruel?

“I ask this question, though I am unsure that I truly wish to know the answer. Shiidou, the love in your heart, is it for me, or for her?”

My love? Who is it for? How can I answer such a question?
It’s… Ann. What am I even talking about? It’s Ann. It’s always been Ann.
I’m so stupid
God, I am so fucking stupid.
Do I even remember the name of the girl who died?
When I think of her, I can only think of Ann.
All this time, I’ve been chasing a ghost. Clinging to someone who’s no longer there.
All this time, I’ve let my heart dwell on someone I lost seventeen years ago.

And yet, all along, for as long as I’ve known her, the one I’ve truly loved…

“It’s you.”
“It’s me?”
“It’s you. Ann, it’s you. I love you. I’ve always loved you. It’s you and only you. Saido Ann, my confidant, my best friend, that’s the person I love. It’s you. It’s been you for so long. How did I never see it?”

How was I so blind? I never loved Ann because I believed she was the girl I lost. I loved Ann because she was Ann. Because she always supported me when I needed it, and scolded me when I deserved it. Because she always pushed herself to grow, and she always pushed me to grow alongside her. Because she’s fiercely loyal, and because she never lets that loyalty cloud her judgement. All these things… my love for her isn’t because of who I thought she was. I love her because of who she is.

For ten years, how have I been so stupid?

“You’re… certain it’s me? That it is Ann, your ever loyal maid and partner, and not Ann, the reincarnation of someone else, that your heart truly belongs to?”
“I’m certain. I’ve never been so certain of anything before. I love you. I love you so much. And yet I’ve hurt you so many times. I’ve been such an awful person, and to the one I love above all else. How could I ever be forgiven?”

I can’t. I’m a terrible, reprehensible human being. By clinging to the past, I’ve done nothing but cause misery for the person making my present so wonderful. My refusal to move on has hurt the person I care about more than anything in the world. I’m scum. Lower than the filth on the side of the road. An irredeemable cancer, leeching off those around while giving nothing back but suffering. Do I even deserve to live?

I’m snapped out of that thought by a soft feeling against my lips. As my mind comes back down to reality, I realise that Ann is kissing me. Her cheeks are still wet with tears, and I suddenly realise I’m no different.

After a second, she pulls away.

“Shiidou… it is the truth, that your love is for me, and me alone?”
“It… it is.”
“And you can promise to never again push onto me your feelings for another?”

“I-I can.”

Through her tears, a smile. Not a smirk, not a grin, but a warm, genuine smile. One filled with love and affection.

“Then, with all my heart, I forgive you. But you must also learn to forgive yourself.”
“I-I think I can try.”
“Then that is all I can ask of you.”

The girl before me… she’s an angel. A being so kind, so unabashedly kind, I find myself unable to believe she’s human. She’s giving me another chance. After the pain, all the misery, all the grief I forced onto her, she’s giving me another chance. How can one so warm-hearted exist?

“I don’t deserve you, do I?”
“Whether you deserve me or not is an asinine thing to ask. Regardless of what you deserve, you have me. I am yours. And you are mine. Now, and forevermore. With you, I am in love, and with you, no hardship cannot be overcome. I love you, Shiidou. More than you could ever know.”

She kisses me again, and I feel my heart melt. The last kiss was bittersweet, but this one is passionate. As I gently put my hand on the side of her face, I feel her slip her tongue into my mouth. My mind is almost empty, filled with thoughts of Ann and Ann alone.

In this moment, I feel like I finally understand what it means to know the love of your life.