Long time, no see

I open my eyes to see nothing but pure white. Have I gone blind? No, as I move my hand in front of my eyes I can see it clear as day. I sit up and look around, but there’s nothing but white as far as I can see. Where the hell am I?

I rack my brains, but the last thing I remember is being in bed with Ann. Considering everything that happened, it’s not exactly a scene I’m likely to forget anytime soon. So how did I get here?

My head feels somewhat light, and I find it hard to think properly. A lucid dream? I don’t exactly feel like I’m asleep, but I don’t really feel awake either. I’ve never had lucid dreams before, but I suppose there’s a first for everything.

“You just gonna sit around all day doin’ nothin’ or are you actually gonna get off your ass at some point?”
A voice calls out to me from… somewhere. I get to my feet and look around for it’s source, but there’s no one in sight.

“Over here, dumbass.”

I turn around on the spot, and before my eyes, a familiar figure appears. One I haven’t seen for some seventeen years.

“Long time, no see, Marc. Or, sorry, it’s Shiidou now, right?”

The girl who got hit by the truck, three years before I suffered the same fate, stood right before me.

“You… Maria…how?”
“Hey, you remembered. I thought you’d forgotten my name completely.”
“I… had. I guess seeing your face reminded me.”
“Man, forgetting the name of the person you spent your whole-ass childhood with. That’s cold, Shiidou.”

This is a situation I can’t fully grasp. What the hell is happening here?

“Maria, am I… sleeping?”
“Sleeping? Yeah, you’re still asleep, or at least your real body is. As to whether this is real or just a dream… well, I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself.”

I see that being dead for 17 years doesn’t make a person more co-operative. Not that I necessarily would have believed her either way.

“Care to join me for a walk? It’s been a while after all.”
“Hmm? Uh, sure, but there’s not really anywhere to actually walk to.”
“Do we really need a destination? We can just walk and talk aimlessly, like we always used to do, right?”
“Uhhh… right, I guess we can.”

I join her as she turns and walks the opposite direction, nothing ahead or behind us but a bright white abyss.

“I’m guessing you’ve got a lot of questions to ask, huh?”
“You could… certainly say that.”
“Well, I’ve got plenty of answers to give ya. Seventeen years of swimming in the sea of souls really makes you miss normal human conversations, y’know.”

What do you ask to a person who’s dead? It’s not a question I’ve ever thought to ask myself. But I guess I can just rattle off everything that’s been bugging me over the years.

“If you really did die forever, why was I reincarnated? What makes me special?”
“Hmmmm, good question. I guess it’s cos of the final regret contract.”
“Final regret contract?”

“Mhm. The two gods who watch over your world, light and dark, sometimes pull people from the sea of souls for a second shot at life. It only happens when someone dies young and with one big regret, so that they can correct it in their next life. Yours must have been your grief over my death.”

That… makes a lot of sense. In that last moment before the truck hit me, all that was on my mind was how I failed to save Maria. That regret must have been incredibly strong, if the gods themselves decided to give me a second chance. But still…

“So, why did you not get reincarnated? Did you not have anything you regretted before you died?”
“Nope, I got exactly what I wanted first.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I got to tell you that I loved you, and I got to hear you say it back. That was all I needed, after that I could die happy.”

A pang of guilt fills my throat. It’s been so long, but I still feel like I’m betraying her. Her dying wish was to hear me tell her that I loved her, but here I am, falling for someone else. Is that not completely awful of me?

I notice her raising her eyebrow at me as I fall into silence, so I scramble to ask my next question.

“So, if they reincarnated me specifically to undo that big regret, Ann and I, are we…”
“Your feelings for one another are completely real and natural. And your meeting was by chance. They give you a second chance, but from there you’re on your own. It’s up to you to live a life you won’t regret again.”

I heave a big sigh of relief. If my relationship with Ann had been the invention of meddling gods and not a natural affair, it would never have sat right with me. I know that I love her, and I know that she loves me, but I want to believe that the love we share is ours and ours alone.

“Y’know, Dark took a real liking to you, by the way.”
“I’m sorry?”
“The god of darkness. The reason light and dark users are so rare is because they’re picked especially by their respective gods. Around the time you started trying to unlock your element, Dark got super interested in you. He said he felt a level of ambition and drive that he’d never seen before. That’s why he gave you the darkness element.”

Favoured by a god, huh? That’s a strangely comforting thing to hear. When I eventually die for real, I’ll have to thank him for all his help.

“Then, what about Ann? Why did the God of Light choose her?”
“It was for her kindness.”
“Her kindness?”
“Yes, he saw that she was a person of unimaginably kind heart. When you two were just four and five years old, and you tried to teach her how to unlock her element, Light saw how much she wanted to meet your expectations. She really did want to unlock magic, but not because she wanted to use it. It was because she wanted to make you happy.”
“...I really don’t deserve that girl, do I?”
“No, my friend, you really do not. Hell, no one I’ve ever met is actually good enough for her. Least of all you, you selfish idiot.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ri.”

Still, what she says is true. Ann is a person so unabashedly good that it’s hard to believe there’s anyone, dead or alive, that actually deserves her.

“I wonder what it was that made her fall for someone like me…”
“That, I’m afraid, is something you’ll have to find out for yourself.”
“Heh, I wasn’t expecting you to answer that one.”

With little left to talk about, she and I continue walking for a while in silence. There is one more thing I want to ask, but I don’t know if I have the strength to say it.

After a little while, I start realising my head is feeling lighter and lighter, and there’s noise starting to seep into this barren world. Is that… chirping?

“Shiidou, my love, we must get up. We’ve much work to do.”
That voice… Ann?

Oh. I see.

“You’re starting to wake up in the real world. Which I guess means this is goodbye for us.”
“I won’t see you again?”
“Not in this life, but look for me when you enter the sea of souls. I’ll wait for you there.”

So as long as I live, I’ll never see Maria again. I guess I have to ask the burning question on my mind, now or never.

“Maria… is it really ok?”

“Hmm? Is what okay?”

“For me to love someone else? Is it really ok?”

As if thinking I’m stupid, she rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Then she wraps me in a tight hug, her chin resting on my shoulder.

“You idiot. It’s always been ok.”
“Really?”
“Of course. It’s been seventeen years, Marc. It's time for you to let me go.”

It's time for you to let me go. They’re words that hurt to hear, but I think they’re also the words I’ve been desperate to hear this whole time.

“Ok. Ok, I think I can do that. I think I can let you go.”

I wait to hear a reply, but none comes. The arms around my body disappear, and I no longer feel her head on my shoulder.

No sooner than I had said those words, the one I once cared about most disappeared before me.

I guess all that’s left is for me to wake up.