Help, I don't understand my feelings Pt1.

I regret my decision the moment I'm stepping out into the afternoon heat. It's the middle of summer break right now, a time every teenager is looking forward to. Meeting friends in karaoke bars, at the arcade, or finally asking that girl out for a date. Many people my age have aspiring ambitions for each summer break.

But not me.

All I can think of is the additional amount of time to waste on my games, light novels, mangas, and anime - in other words, wasting my time on being a filthy Otaku. That, and the fact that the heat is simply the worst during these weeks in summer…

I'm exiting our property, close the garden fence behind me and step out into the outskirts of the tiny village I happen to live in. A few short roads and alleys are branching out from the main road leading to the nearest city. Our house is directly connected to this road though it's still a very quiet road running through a terribly rural area of Japan.

I turn left, away from the despicable village full of old farmers and parents who don't know how to drill some behavior into their little punks. Aside from a puny convenience store, there's nothing worth mentioning here. All the fun that could be had is located in the city around a 20-minute drive from here.

Well, more like a 30-minute bus drive as we don't have a car…

I pass only a few more houses until I exit the village, crossing the main road to step into the endless rice fields that cover countless square kilometers towards the southwest and southeast. We're located in a valley up in the mountains though we're not high enough to have it any cooler during summer.

The heat is gathering in the bowl forming between two heavily forested mountain ranges. I'm walking south, the cap on my head only keeping some of the heat out of my face. A somewhat unimpressive river irrigates the endless fields I'm wandering through, leading to a lot of vapor rising into the air up to the point of making it feel near-tropical when there is little wind such as today.

During dry times, it occasionally runs dry while flooding regularly during periods of heavy rain. I never really go outside though so I wouldn't know if it flooded during the rainy season this year.

Occasionally, I see farmers go about their business in the fields though I don't talk to them. Semi-randomly, I navigate the maze of dirt paths which separate the individual fields in a chess-board fashion. Thankfully, they're not muddy during the dry season though I wouldn't complain about muddy feet in exchange for a less sweaty temperature right now.

I already dread the harvest season. Grandma and Grandpa, who are living below us, still own a few of those rice fields. They're always drafting me for planting and harvest, sponsoring a good chunk of my possessions in return, but it's horrible work nonetheless that I'm just not made for.

I need to walk a fair distance, sweating all over my slim body until I'm able to organize loose thoughts and feelings into something loosely coherent.

Koyori…

A number of impressions from today keep replaying in front of my inner eye, fleeting images of Koyori causing my stomach to churn.

If only I could understand what's going on with me all of a sudden…

Not only is the constant heavy beating of my heart highly obnoxious. Intermittent tickles are spreading across my stomach whenever Koyori is on my mind. It feels like I'm constantly on edge, a feeling so strong and persistent that even a shut-in like me prefers the brutal summer heat over… that.

If only I could begin to comprehend what 'that' is exactly…

The thought of running away from my problems begins to haunt me as I continue to slurp my feet across dried mud. The sheer fact that I need to refer to Koyori as a problem is a problem in itself. You don't normally do that to your only approximation of a real friend, now do you?

A real friend…

Sweat is no longer the only thing showering over my face as the condensed bulk of my conflicted thoughts hits me like a truck.

Koyori is my friend. I even admitted it in her presence. And yet, the mere thought of returning to my new roommate causes enough anxiety to keep me out here.

What am I even afraid of? It's Yori, not some merciless demon lord… I've always wanted to see her again and now I'm running away. What's wrong with me?

I'm honestly baffled by the lack of my own understanding. Koyori's cheerful laughter is resounding in my memory, triggering corresponding pictures to pop in and out.

"Honestly, I really like her," I sigh to myself, a sudden sadness overcoming me. If Yori were to leave again right now, I wouldn't want her to go. At least that's something I can't deny. Those few hours we spent together have shown me the limits of my current life and the possibilities available to me.

Even though I had to endure such levels of psychological torture today, I can't exactly say that I'd rather have continued shooting bullets at virtual avatars or read about another totally unrealistic romance or adventure right now. Yes, Koyori made me suffer. A lot. But…

How do I put this…

There's something about Koyori that I just can't ignore. Her lively and often childish personality makes her irredeemable at times but, akin to a cute kitten you just can't hate for knocking something over, I just can't be angry at her. She's like a pet you just can't wait to see because you just know they're going to make your day a lot brighter.

Honestly, this walk would be a lot more fun if we were walking together…

Shudders erupt over my body in spite of the brutal heat. The memory of the sensation I felt when Koyori pulled me into that initial hug sparks something in me. A hive of bees is buzzing through my intestines as I imagine myself repeating the experience.

I kinda want to hug her…

A voice, somewhere deep inside of me, is trying to take control of my logic but the sudden eruption of shame and embarrassment locks it firmly away.

But I can't even touch her normally, there's no way I could hug her, right?

My mind can't seem to comprehend random musings that have begun to appear ever since her sudden appearance at my front door. There's an inexplicable voice inside of me, telling me at the most inconvenient times to do those things you'd often see people do in romantic novels or mangas.

Like holding her hands… ugh just imagining it makes me feel all weird inside!

Then there's also me suddenly getting random blood sugar spikes whenever she's smiling at me.

She's cute like an angel. If she were a figurine she'd get the premium spot on my shelf.

Just the thought of Koyori beaming a broad smile at me makes my heart beat faster and my head instinctively turns away, unable to even endure looking at an imaginary Koyori with her sparkling eyes.

I've consumed enough media describing this to have a good inkling of what those symptoms may be hinting at yet I can't feel any supremacy over all those overly dense characters I'm often confronted with.

Do I have a crush on her?

In theory, that's the most logical conclusion to arrive at. However, something just doesn't seem to align.

If I have a crush, then why do I panic so much around her?

Why did my body react with a fight or flight reaction each time she got too close to me? Why is a part of me longing to be close to her while a much bigger part gives me PTSD just thinking about Koyori? What am I running away from, what am I trying to fight here? She's my friend! More so, It seems like my silly childhood wish - to marry her when we’re old enough, has reactivated and evolved into a complicated concoction of feelings I can't yet fully make sense of.

There's also… that…

I catch myself performing a clenching movement with my hands while certain events flush through my overheated brain again.

I feel so terrible about this…

Koyori, objectively speaking, isn't even attractive. Her proportions are still more childlike than most girls her age after all. This doesn't stop me from having borderline lewd thoughts about her though, a strangely tingling sensation appearing in my crotch upon remembering the incident.

I'm scared about it happening again and now everything is even more awkward between us… fuck puberty!

The incredible amount of awkwardness I'm feeling is yet another enigma to solve. How can Koyori act completely normal around me - as far as you can consider her silliness a state of normalcy, that is? Why can't I even hold a proper conversation or keep eye contact?

Perhaps it could be… 'that'?

Have those many years of being a loner turned me into a socially incapable person like my mother always loves to claim? A person who can't even act normal around someone they know? A person so involved with virtual reality and fictional worlds that he forgot how to act in reality?

God this is such a mess… also the heat is killing me…

I'm slowly realizing that my thoughts are beginning to run in circles. Furthermore, I feel like my brain is slowly being cooked, a slight headache announcing itself on my sleeves.

Maybe I should go back for now…

Slightly downcast, I'm taking a turn, heading towards the mountains where a paved road runs through the shade of trees, leading back home.