Just like in the old days

In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. Koyori's sudden hug completely overwhelms me, freezing me on the spot just like the first time this happened today. Regardless, a few things are different.

I now have a grasp on what I'm feeling. The panic is still there, the urge to escape still about to win the raging battle in my mind. Unlike that time, though, I understand a little bit why I'm feeling this way. The girl I probably have a crush on is hugging me after all.

A warm feeling that has nothing to do with the heat is spreading through my body as our sweaty bodies intertwine. A certain feeling of ecstasy is rivaling the urge to break free, and it's slowly winning. I low-key have to admit that it feels wonderful to be held like that.

Return it.

The voice is back, the one my mind has been trying to suppress the entire time. My logic is trying to find a reason to dissuade me but it finds none. After all, why should I break up when there is at least some enjoyment to be had? Why should I break it if Yori loves it?

I can't hide in my shell forever. Yori may be patient with me but one day she may stop liking me if I don't improve myself. By returning the embrace, I could show her that I wasn't lying about the things I told her.

Let's do it!

I'm ready to raise my arms but then I realize that they're not listening to my order. Simultaneously, Koyori's squeeze changes. The affectionate way she’s clinging to me transitions into a more desperate, more crushing embrace. It feels like she's saying 'hug me back' yet I also notice a subtle note of something deeper that I can't explain.

Come on, Keiichi, don't be a scaredy-cat!

I'm trying to do as my inner voice says but, in the end, I never manage to move a muscle. After what feels like an eternity, she finally releases me though I continue to remain frozen in place. Her expression is hard to read when she observes me for a while. Being absolutely petrified, I am forced to observe her observe me until Yori, in a sudden change of demeanor, pokes me in the side with a laugh. I'm trying to dodge the follow-up attack, finally breaking free from my frozen state.

"Oh, looks like I accidentally turned you off but I just happened to remember where to press to turn you back on."

Turn me off? I don't get it…

"Guess you're still booting," Koyori continues, giggling senselessly and blessing me with her cutest xD-face.

I stare back at her, dumbfounded.

Does she think I'm a robot or what?

I'm briefly considering face-palming at this but, on second thought, I begin to recognize how she arrived at the conclusion.

Guess her hug really turned me off… I hope I can return it next time. I really want to…

Koyori's laughter dies down eventually, though her happy smile remains.

"Anyway, Keiichi, about what I tried telling you earlier… Just be yourself and be happy. Because when Kei-kun is happy then little Yori-chan is happy too!"

Dang, and here I was hoping the toddler talk would be a one-time thing. Well, it's adorable when she does it so I shouldn't complain.

"Yeah, seeing you happy makes me feel happy too."

Oh, that just slipped out.

Koyori immediately beams at me though.

"I was just saying that, right now, I'm not a person I'm comfortable being so I'm going to work on myself but…"

Koyori's plead to focus on having fun returns to my awareness. I feel like I've been able to say everything on my mind that I can share without entirely embarrassing myself, thus I prompt her to do something fun after all that talking.

"I've kinda been wasting our time, I guess?"

"I guess you were but it's fine," Koyori affirms, causing a slight panic attack when her hands land on my shoulders again.

"I feel like I understand you a lot better now so thank you for telling me about it."

I'm extremely nervous again but her words are encouraging enough to force a decent reply out.

"T-thank you for giving me a chance, I'm gonna try to make things fun for you."

"Then let's do something fun!" she shouts in jolly excitement, undocking from me to jump in the air.

"Yeah but, like, what?" I interject cluelessly. "Digging for treasure in the sand pit like we used to?"

"Maaaaaaybe not 'that' but I like the idea of playing games we used to play," she agrees. "They might not be as fun as they were six years ago but I think it'll be very nostalgic, don't you think, Keiichi?"

Oh certainly, I even took a note to do this at some point but…

"Yeah, but that's easier said than done." I nonverbally nod over to the sign prohibiting playing here above the age of 12. "I'm technically not allowed here anymore."

"But Yori-chan is still allowed to play so you can play with her, hehehe," she snickers merrily.

"Well, whatever works," I shrug with an amused sigh at the return of the Yori-chan talk.

That's right, she's still 12 years old but, if I remember correctly…

"But Yori-chan can't play here much longer either so stop dallying about and play with her, Kei-kun."

…she'll have her birthday soon, right?

"Alright, let's do something you used to love," I prompt the girl. As I stride towards the net swing, Yori's eyes widen in anticipation. She hops into the huge net swing and makes herself comfortable. Then I begin pushing her higher and higher until the swing goes near vertical. Yori laughs like a little child and keeps insisting 'Higher higher' but my stamina can't keep up in this heat.

"Kei-kun, wanna ride together?" she tweets once I stop pushing her on.

"Nah, I'm good," I wheeze, wiping sweat from my forehead.

"Aww, c'mon Kei-kun, make Yori-chan happy and ride with her," she pleads, still unaware of my lingering fear. Riding together would mean getting so close that we'd touch for sure.

I really wanted to return the hug, why am I back to the awkwardness again?!

"Kei-kun always rode it together with Yori-chan when we were little…"

Thankfully, my obligation to make things fun for Koyori helps me to jump over my shadow after a brief delay as well as seeing her pout at me.

"Oh, alright then, but I'll just be the passenger."

"Yay!"

Still feeling the exhaustion in my arms, I awkwardly climb onto the swing and sit down on the left side. Yori has risen to her feet to my right, ready to accelerate and beaming at me.

"Kei-kun, better hold on tight, I'll send us flying to the sky!"

Koyori puts her entire heart and strength into this, each kick sending us swinging higher until we're going near vertical again. Koyori laughs merrily while I enjoy the air wheezing past me, helping me to stay somewhat cool.

Eventually, she tires out, plopping down right next to me to enjoy the remaining ride for as long as it keeps going. She's sitting so close to me that our arms and parts of our legs touch. At first, the usual flight or fight reaction sets in but it's relatively short-lived this time around.

Sheepishly, I'm turning my head around to see the concentrated joy on her expression.

I guess she really liked that and it's not as bad as I thought. It's still awkward but I can endure the closeness for now.

Eventually, the swing comes to a standstill. Neither of us is eager to engage in physical activity such as playing catch anymore. Therefore, after Yori goes down the slide a couple of times, we start a session of Hide and Seek.

While playing, I try to forget about my worries for a while, taking the game as seriously as my age allows. We both kinda suck at it but, sometimes, a bad hideout leads to more joy and laughter than a good one.

After a few games and lots of nostalgia, we return to the playground. I feel my phone vibrate in my pockets. Mom wants us to be home for dinner so we're heading home. After all, I'm slowly getting really thirsty after sweating so much.

Yori is cheerful on the way home, hopping around and admiring the landscape while I alternate between observing her and sorting my thoughts again.

The joy I felt just now is genuine and Yori's joy is infectious.

I'm looking at her profile from behind, watching her ponytail dance along with her skipping movement. A smile creeps up my face. All of my insecurities and worries still linger around but talking to and playing with Koyori like in the old days gave me a lot of confidence. Rather than fearing her, I'm now kinda looking forward to the time I'm going to spend with my new roommate even if I have to quit being an Otaku for a while.

Observing her further, I feel a sudden resurrection of my desire to hug her, surprising her from behind. I feel like taking her hand and leading her back home though I'm still held back by the remaining insecurities about my feelings. I still don't understand the vast contrast between my desires and fears but that's when I remember a quote from an anime I really like.

Sometimes you can't explain what you see in a person. It's just the way they take you to a place no one else can.

I'm both scared and excited to see what places she's going to take me next as I follow her back home wearing an odd smile on my face.