Flavor of an apology

The echoes of laughter, the nonsensical banter of Sanakyu, the solemn undertones of Deilo, the sharp precision of Apollo, and, of course, the passion that radiated from Miira with each battle they overcame. All of it was absent, leaving Dave feeling as empty as the inventory he stared at.

Then, an adorable girl in a purple pinafore dress approached him.

Aparie: Hey! We’re 4/5 for Refinery Palace. Want to join?

An appealing offer. He inspected the player. Great gear, excellent track record of dungeon clears, clean stats. There was no reason to refuse, yet…

Seiyun: I'm sorry, I'm not really in the mood. Good luck finding a tank!

Boredom buzzed around him like an annoying fly. He opened the achievements list; ‘Tantalus Appears!’ still stood unattained at 0 out of 1. A soft chuckle escaped him, recalling the day Miira and Deilo had etched themselves into his memory. How apprehensive yet stubborn he was. How much he enjoyed those nearly five hours of repetitive hitting of Tantalus.

‘Poor little goblin. Your suffering was not in vain.’

An urge overcame him to get it done. Once they were all together, he would tell them he finally achieved it, and they would die out of laughter.

Yet, hope soon crumbled. 'Tantalus Appears!' might have been an easy feat, but ‘Tantalus Returns!’ was a whole another matter. And, of course, it made sense — why Miira and Deilo sought help. He lacked the arsenal of stuns and rapid attacks needed to take the goblin down.

He closed the game without further ado and in front of him, a chat window lingered with his last message to Miira. It was his last attempt asking her to come meet him at the usual spot so he could give her a genuine apology. She never responded to it either. Could be she blocked him. Perhaps she was laughing right that moment, knowing his pointless wait.

The time was approaching. Just another hour. He mulled over his apology. How much he wanted to show her how sorry he was. Yet something was amiss. Something essential.

Luckily, the internet is there to save everyone’s day when in question. Opening a new tab, he typed ‘how to apologize’. There were many options, yet too basic. Then continued with ‘types of apologies’. Quickly, he learned there were different flavors to them. He scanned through the examples of each.

‘I guess it’s not a harmless error… Social harmony? Not that. Empathy? No.’

He fixated on regret and remorse.

‘The difference is regret type doesn’t acknowledge that action was harmful while remorse does…’

He tried to put his apology in one category, but the unknown remained — was Miira hurt or just disappointed and appalled by his cowardice?

***

Dave’s journey to the park set off a ringing dissonance in his mind. Winding through the quaint streets, he couldn’t help but notice the harmony of the surroundings. The evening darkness framed windows of houses, revealing families settling into their daily rituals. A father sprawled on a couch, a mother carrying a bowl of snacks, a girl absorbed in laptop typing, a boy cradling a cat on his lap while fiddling with his phone.

Dave's heart lacked such tranquility. In fact, it was beating fast, as he realized a possibility of an approaching moment which would determine his upcoming days. In a moment of fear, he lost his group of friends and a girl that brightened his nights. Now, a possibility of hearing Miira’s voice made his breath stagnate. He wished to cover his senses in the softness of her giggles, lectures about how to make tea, facts about movies, and her obnoxious snack crunching.

He reined in his drifting thoughts and returned to the script.

‘I’m sorry I ran away and left you during the storm… This happened because…’

His hands moved in rhythm with his thoughts, but upon entering the park, legs seemed on the verge of abandoning him. The rehearsal was over and it was time for the showdown.

As he approached the bench, a cough from behind the hedge caused a sudden jolt.

‘Miira?’

‘Don’t mistake me coming here for you. I was already in the area when I read your message.’

‘Thank you for coming.’

‘So? What is your ugly umbrella doing on my bench?’

‘I’m sorry I ran away and-’

‘Yeah. You said that already. So was umbrella supposed to be some cheesy way of making me feel sorry for you?’

He covered his face in shame. ‘No… It’s just,’ he stammered. ‘I thought I would give it to you as an apology.’

‘Okay. So are we done?’

‘No, I wanted to explain myself,’ his words were interrupted by her abrupt cough. ‘Are you sick?’

‘None of your business. Now out with it.’

He tried to collect his thoughts, but her frostiness covered his mind in a blank canvas. The explanation he wove was dissolving quickly.

‘You see… I couldn’t understand why I ran away myself. I just knew I screwed up. But I think it’s clear why I did what I did. My ex messed me up pretty good. When 'she' messaged me, things got to my head. More than I’d liked to.’ The words just didn’t seem to come out right.

‘So it’s your ex’s fault you ran away?’

‘Yes, I mean… No. She got to my head, but ultimately, I allowed myself to get scared. I misread the situation. I’m just a pathetic loser, really.’

‘What did you misread?’

As she put him on the spot, Dave realized he treaded a thin ground. One wrong word, and everything could blow up.

‘I’m just afraid of letting anyone close. In the days leading up to that night, I felt… you were getting very close to me.’

‘Well, Dave, that’s what friends do. You get close, you enjoy each others’ company and help when in trouble.’

‘Yeah… I screwed all of that up.’

‘You did. But that being said, I understand that damage of trauma extends beyond the hurt individual. Break ups are hard and messy. So no matter how hurt I am, I cannot be mad forever,’ her voice softened.

‘You’re hurt?’

‘Dave…’ she said it slow. One simple name carried an ocean of emotions. It gripped his heart with regret for inquiring. ‘Are you seriously asking me that? Of course I am. A friend abandoned me in a storm when I asked for help. What do you think?’

He never considered her an actual friend. A teammate? Yes. And then his hidden feelings made him jump to all sorts of conclusions, distorting reality, causing the misunderstanding.

‘Emily, I am truly sorry for being an awful friend. I understand I hurt you and I would like to ask for your forgiveness.’

A soft exhale escaped her lips as she shifted in her seat. ‘Did you look up how to say apologies or what?’ she teased with a somber giggle. ‘Fine. Let’s call it a truce. Besides, it’s not like I’m clean myself.’

Dave turned to face the hedge. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Remember the first update night? You see… That night, me and my ex broke up. Our arguing intensified once we reached the last boss. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to go away. You know, tears and all. Shaky hands. Impossible to heal after that. I knew it meant a lot to you to have the first clear on the server, so I felt guilty, didn’t want to tell you the reason because, well… It’s just a stupid relationship drama after all.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. Yet you came the other day. If you said so, you could’ve just taken time for yourself. Life matters more than the game.’

‘What would be the point of that? It only would’ve crammed my head with him and things we would never have,‘ she sighed. ‘But I suppose my history explains why I’ve been so pissed, too. Getting abandoned twice in a week is a bit of a buzz kill.’

‘I won’t abandon you again,’ it came out without a thought. ‘But… I don’t think I will be able to meet you face to face still.’

The silence took hold of both of their voices. Dave dug his nails into his arm, numbing the awkwardness that washed over him. He had imagined the apology going a million different ways, but never anticipated how to deal with the silence. He tried to focus on anything else but the abyss between them.

The gentle sway of tree branches, meticulously pruned bushes, nascent flower buds bursting forth, the verdant hue of fresh leaves, the distant hum of traffic, the earthy fragrance of the surroundings, the tang of regret.

‘Don’t worry. There’s no need for that,’ she broke the silence. ‘Anyway, I freaked out myself during the storm and without knowing imposed on you. We should probably start doing our static runs again.’

He lowered his gaze and slumped back. ‘Yeah, my fault for making you uncomfortable and scaring you away from the game.’

‘It’s not really because of you. Maybe partly but mostly because I… Well, I got sick,’ a tinge of embarrassment painted her tone as she rushed the last sentence.

So she was unwell. His breath thinned at a realization of how selfish the idea of calling her out was. How self-centered he had been.

Suddenly, something emerged from the hedge — a jolt of surprise coursed through Dave as he realized it was his umbrella.

‘Take it. I have my own,’ she said.

He dragged it out, sensing a fleeting warmth on the handle.

‘Did you fold it and place it on my bench before?’

‘Don’t get the wrong idea. I might have been annoyed with you, but the umbrella was innocent,’ she pouted. ‘Plus, I was concerned about your well-being. It took me a while to realize you had actually left. I empathized with your abandoned fellow, so took it home with me.’

A wide smile graced Dave's face, a rare occurrence in recent days. He fought to stifle a chuckle, but Emily's pouty demeanor was a finely tuned catalyst for laughter.

‘What’s so funny?!’ she exclaimed, audibly rising from her seat.

He tried to qualm his laughter. ‘You’re cute!’

‘Yeah, I am! So what?!’ she didn’t give in, yet Dave was far gone with his laughing streak.