broken vs. the way we were born

I knew, the moment he walked in, that he was the final, strongest challenger for this boss rush, a way to test my resolve, and a criminal. Even if I'd never met Youji before or figured his past out, I'd still know this man was a criminal. Suit? Check. Hair slicked back? Check. Sunglasses? Check. 

Let's see: 

Jun was, allegedly, not one of the two hundred and ninety-nine boyfriends, just Youji's former friend who'd come to try to incite him back into evil. However, Youji had chased him off.

The hat guy then ought to be a second foe sent to test the waters, an extremely dangerous, volatile individual hiding under the guise of someone who clapped at the jukebox when the song it played was over. Fortunately, I'd stopped him.

After both of them had failed to retrieve him, the boss (probably a parental figure that had saved Youji from an orphanage in order to turn him into a living weapon for his syndicate of evil) decided to show up in person. With a knife, probably. To sharpen the other knife, which was sharper than him, which was why they'd showed up in the first place.

But no. I, a spoon, would stop them. 

Youji was destroying his lungs again next to the employee entrance, so the timing couldn't have been more perfect. After the boss chose his table, I went to attend him. Mr. Clarence had uncharacteristically showed up (presumably because there were more than 3 customers at once), but he'd gone to help at the kitchen, and Ootsuki Rima barely reached my chest, so neither of them would be able to help in case I got stabbed. But it was okay. I had family insurance. 

"H-how can I help you?"

The boss, eyeing the menu (maybe) replied, "A strawberry milkshake with a go sign made out of caramel sauce at the top."

That HAD to be a code of sorts. Unfortunately for him, I'd be the one to prepare his beverage. 

"By the way, how old are you?"

That fucking question again. "Almost twenty-two."

"Hm."

I hated this piece of shit already. Without exchanging further pleasantries, I prepared his drink. I made the go sign a circle on purpose to show him who he was messing with. Youji had yet to come back. 

Should I...

Should I not...

I couldn't. Instead of contronting him, I cowardly served the boss his drink. As I did, I caught him reading the same manga I'd seen Youji page the other day. 

Wait.

No way. 

Had they already been in contact? What was the point of the boss rush? What the—

Wait, no. No time for panicking. "Here you go. A-anything else I can help with?"

"So. What's your favorite shoujo manga."

Here it came, the interrogation. Weird question, but at least it wasn't passively-aggressively denigrating my major. "I. Um. I don't. Really read those."

"Why."

"Because. The. They. I." FUCK. "The. Thing." HELP. 

"Do you have anything against shoujo manga."

"No..."

I hadn't noticed until then that the boss wore earbuds. One of them remained connected to him; the other one dangled to the floor. He picked it up. "I see," he threatened. "That's all I needed to know."

That just now was the hardest encounter of my life. This man was no joke. How could I even hope to stop him? "I'm taking a break," I told Ootsuki Rima, who waved at me dismissively. Glued as she might seem to her book, she'd honor her duty once/if a customer showed up during the meantime. Mayb—

"Hey, Ootsuki Rima, please don't talk to the guy with the glasses. No matter what you do."

"Sure won't."

I had no idea if she had insurance or not in case the boss kidnapped her to blackmail Youji into joining him again, though I supposed that if he'd truly wanted to do so, he would've done it already, so Ootsuki Rima should be safe. Instead of doing something stupid, cowardly and counterproductive like hugging him again, upon exiting the shop, I watched Youji from afar, and how pretty he looked as he destroyed himself with nicotine.

Since he'd been trained from childhood to become the boss's unthinking servant, however, his senses were sharp, and so it took mere seconds for him to look at me from the corners of his eyes. Still pretty. "What's up?" He asked. "I don't think I'd ever seen you come to the back of the shop before."

"Y—"

"Shit. Wait." He checked his phone. "Two minutes left. Never mind."

It was a good thing he'd interrupted me, because I had nothing to say. I would've just replied with 'yeah' and awkwardly stand there until he did something again. 

"Hey. Come here."

"No."

"Oh. Well."

I'd somehow managed to make it weird anyway.

"Then I'll go there instead."

He did. My first instinct was to run, the second to scream, the third to cry, the fourth to tell my thoughts to shut the fuck up. Youji noticed, of course, which was why he smiled and walked past me instead. I couldn't talk again. Throat.exe gone. Not my arm, though, or my hands, which was why I could seize him. Youji did this thing lately where whenever I did something socially indecorous, he'd put on what he wrongly assumed to be a neutral expression, but I knew better. I did. "K. K. K-k-kkkkkk... kh..."

—iss. 

"Kkkkhhh..."

Patiently, he waited. 

On second thought, it'd be kind of mean-spirited on my end to demand something like that from him in case he didn't want to. Kiss. I let him go, shaking my head. 

Still, patiently, he waited. 

I ran—metaphorically. Literally, I walked. Away. And I kicked the wall on my way back, pretending it was throat.exe. So it was probably more like stomped. It hurt my foot, but that had been the intention, anyway, so. 

How stupid was I? How could I hope to defend Youji against these people? I failed to defend him against myself half the time. Most of the time. I'd never even done anything nice to him that wasn't me following some stupid internet guide. Right. I was the way he atoned for his sins. I'd also use myself as torture if I were anyone else. I forgot. I got so happy I forgot sometimes. But I couldn't. I couldn't forget. I'd almost done so as well when the short guy at college talked to me because seldom anyone did, and humans were unfortunately social creatures. 

Stop.

Don't be happy.

Relax.

Remember.

Focus.

Youji had, predictably, gone to talk to his old boss by the time I'd gone inside. I couldn't approach them without looking suspicious, but I saw them have a conversation like normal people from afar. Heard. Not saw. The boss showed him something on his phone, and Youji laughed. He was getting manipulated and I was powerless to stop this.

"Did you kiss?" Asked Ootsuki Rima. I forgot she existed, let alone that she stood next to me. 

"No... w-wait, I mean—"

"You're not aggressive enough. You need to pounce."

"...pounce?"

"Yeah. Pounce. Get your prey."

"That makes sense."

Ootsuki Rima chewed her lip to hold back laughter, which I knew because I saw that gesture often. Right, I forgot she had a boyfriend. Why was someone six years younger giving me dating advice? Wasn't this harassment? "If I'd never pounced on Touma," she said, "Then we wouldn't be dating. Sometimes you just have to go for it."

"O-okay. Pounced how, exactly?"

"The gay way."

"But isn't he—"

"I'm talking in your case."

"So, question: how did you do that to your boyfriend?"

"That's sexual harassment."

I wanted to kill something.

Whatever expression I made caused her to lose it. Finally. Finally showing her true colors. I had to attend a stray customer by myself because she couldn't stop hooting at the table behind.

The worst part? She was right. Had I not pounced the first time and he would've just handed me the phone. I would've left after that, never to talk, to see, to touch him again. He would've probably joined the syndicate of evil again because he couldn't find a job, because I supposed that's something that happened when your criminal record included stabbing, even if you'd never do so again. Didn't that just make stabbers more likely to stab again?

Ootsuki Rima left early because she told Mr. Clarence that 'no one's showing up anyway' and I guess he agreed. Youji and I stayed together, with him talking to me as usual, something about a Yamada and how I 'didn't have to mind him'. Some bullshit like that. As if. I could see through him. 

So that was the boss's name, Yamada.

Fuck you Yamada.

I'd win this, Yamada.

Fuck you, self.

I'd win this no matter what.