4 - Burdens (being lifted!)

Before anything else, I'm pretty sure everyone is curious about this one thing: What was the costume?

Honestly, I would have loved to know too, but Mayu kept on moving around with the package inside her hands! "L-Let me see, Mayuyu~" Even though I was pleading with my cutest face (and her body being rather tiny compared to me!), I couldn't catch her at all! Such agility…!

"Nooo~ It's the final surprise of this evening! First we will enjoy our time together! Did I get these donuts for nothing~?" How did she maneuver herself with such accurate movements with not only a huge package of a secret cosplay item but also a gigantic box of donuts, I had no idea!! I sighed, and gave up on my quest of catching her.

"...fine. But why'd you get so many donuts in the first place… I made some tea time snacks myself, too…"

At our arrival at the kitchen, her eyes started to shine. "Ooooh! These look incredible! What are these called?" I scratched my neck. "Uh… I don't even know… I just looked up 'tea time recipes' and these came out, so…" She immediately took a seat at my small kitchen table and positioned her elbows below her chin, anticipating. I chuckled softly. Her excitement was always a mood-lifter. "The tea will be ready in just a bit." She nodded at my announcement and then signaled with her head that I should sit down, too. So I did.

"How's your project going?" I knew she was worried about me, but I still wanted to evade the topic as much as possible… "Oooh, it's going quite well so far! I'm already done with my sketches, thankfully I got all my approvals from the professors. Now all I need to do is to sew and bring them to life!" I had seen her designs before, and they were just my style. Their topic for this semester's project was making costumes for a romantic play with a medieval European setting, with their own personal styling touches.

Ah, all the dresses… Ah, all the drama…

I had seen her initial sketches, and I couldn't believe how talented this young woman was… Of course, I had to express my amazement—she deserved to know. "I can't wait to see them! I'm sure they'll look dazzling." She put on a cheeky smile. "Would you like to be the model for one of the dresses when they're all done~?"

D-Dresses? My face went flushed within a moment. I waved my hands in front of me. "You have such beautiful colleagues at your school, you should ask them!" She tilted her head, the cheeky smile not leaving her face. "But you're one of the most pretty people I know~?" I thought for a bit, and then gave in. I admit: my heart was beating with happiness just by hearing that! "T-Then… I shall take on your offer…" Mayu clapped her hands cheerfully. "Yippie! I'm sure you'll fit them just perfectly!"

She looked down for a bit and went on to say, "...you wouldn't mind wearing a dress, would you?"

Oh. Right. I hadn't even thought of it like that…

"Well, it'd be my honor, if anything?" She looked back to me, eyes glimmering with hope.

"Really? You don't… mind it?"

"Of course not—heck, people say I'm cute like idols all the time, we might as well as see if I can live up to the reputation!"

We exchanged chuckles, joking about medieval-style idols, and then I suddenly remembered about the tea. Once that was taken care of, we dove into eating the goodies. As much as the sweetness occupied us for a while, I could sense that the… inevitable topic was approaching with intimidating steps. I took a sip from my tea, opening my mouth to address my innermost turmoil, but Mayu was faster than me.

"Um… Mattsun… I'll just be honest, I've been worrying about you…"

I set down my cup and smiled bitterly, watching the tea's steam float up and disappear. "Yeah… I guess some stuff piled up." Mayu didn't respond, pouting and trying to find the correct words to help me out. She wasn't the best when it came to suddenly having to switch into a more serious mood; especially when it came to more fragile-hearted people like me and Riku, in case she said something more harsh than she ever intended. She still wanted to be the best friend she could be, though, so she never hastened into the opening-up part on our sides. She'd always patiently wait for us to speak up, first and foremost.

Knowing this, I could think as much as I wanted before diving in and expressing my inner state of the world. Honestly, I didn't even know how to begin…

"Mayu…" Her ears immediately perked up. "This love thing… could it be that it's impossible for me?"

Even though she knew all about it already, I talked about my failed dates, past of bullies, and how I cherished my friends but never got to experience something more of the romantic kind. She listened intently, with a pained and worried face. It felt awful to make a cheerful and playful girl like her frown this much but…

Sorry, Mayu. I really need your aid, my friend…

Only when I started to talk about my hobbies and interests, she spoke up as well. "Yuuma…" Woah, I was caught off guard at her using my first name instead of the usual nickname… Something grand was about to occur.

"Could it be that you're holding yourself back from your dreams?"

Huh?

My mind completely went blank. Me? Holding myself back? Weren't all these just consequences of my unfortunate fate?

Seeing that I wasn't responding back, she explained herself. "I'm sorry, please don't misunderstand… It's not on purpose, I'm sure. But I just… can't help it but feel like you're holding yourself back from… Being yourself."

As moments passed by, her words started to make more sense. Examples started to pop up left and right. Hiding my music taste. Keeping my opinions to myself, regardless of the topic at hand. Looking away from the clothes that caught my eye during shopping, opting for the more 'standard' ones. Trying to fit into a more 'masculine' persona when communicating with people. Not telling people about the cute idol games I play…

"Is this… a 'you can't love others if you don't love yourself!' kinda thing?"

Mayu shook her head. "Not exactly. This is more about personal happiness. I know… just how much you want a relationship, Yuuma. But first, I think you should accept yourself and truly live to be that person you desire to be." I looked down, bad memories pushing my head down with their weight. Swear words, physical abuse and even crushing of personal belongings.

"Surely you remember what happened last time I was… Myself."

She clenched her jaw and moved her arm forward to give me a pat on the arm. "I remember, dear. I remember." I wanted to look up to meet her eyes, but I just… couldn't.

"How could I forget those evil bastards? Kids can be… cruel like that. They love to step on whoever is different." She paused for a while. "Even… Adults can be dumb like that. Talking trash about people being themselves." She'd know it more than anyone else, for sure…

She lifted her head up fiercely. "But you know what? It's people's joy they envy. It's not anyone being 'wrong' or 'broken'. They just can't stand that genuine and authentic way of being."

Mayu had quite a rough patch in her life when she came out for liking girls. Her mother, her peers, even random people on her social media accounts—everyone seemed to have an issue with her own self. Even then…

"I don't regret it a bit, y'know? Yes, it was very difficult, it still is. But it was 100% worth it. It was too difficult carrying that weight around with me everywhere I went. I thought I'd… rather be hated for who I am than being loved for someone I'm not. And hey!" She sparkled with her usual grin. "What do I know, I have plenty of cool friends who don't give a damn about society's crap!" I smiled. Why would I ever judge my friend, especially for such a thing?

"So…" She looked directly into my eyes.

"I was wondering if Yuuma carries such a burden, too."

My eyes widened. "Are you asking if I'm into men…?"

Her eyes matched mine in width and then she… exploded laughing?!

"Hahaha! Oh you… Where'd you reach that conclusion from?" She laughed for a while more and then abruptly stopped. "Wait… Unless? I-I'm sorry for laughing if—" I waved my arms in panic. "N-No! That's not the case. I just said that since you were talking about yourself, and then asked about me, so…" I spoke as fast as I could to settle the situation. I didn't want her to feel bad for laughing!

"Oooh, so that's what it was, I apologize for the confusion. It's just that… your panic was so sudden and cute…" She brought her hand towards her mouth to suppress another fit of laughter. "I just never considered if you were into boys or not, you're always so shiny-eyed looking at girls, so…" She sighed. "Mood, to be honest~"

I smiled. Somehow, just seeing her pure laughter had made me feel a million times better already. She just had that power to her…

"So… What did you mean then, Mayuyu? What do you think I am hiding inside of me?" She put her finger in front of her lips. "Now… I'm not claiming to know your inner world, and I don't even know how to put this into words. But it just seemed to me, like…" She paused. "I don't know, like you're pushing away 'femininity', due to a lack of a better word? Even though you already enjoy shoujo stuff, and pretty idol girls with cute songs… I feel like you may want to doll up and be pretty yourself. What do you think?"

Now that was absolutely something I had pondered on countless times, so I had my answers roughly ready.

"As expected of Mayuyu…You're very right, actually."

It was true. I did want to doll up. I did want to dress up and put on makeup and wear colorful, original outfits. I did want to feel pretty, and considering I already spent hours inside my 'sacred space' doing skincare on the regular, I could say that I had made peace with that fact. Heck, I even wanted to be like those shoujo protags. But when it came to truly 'dolling up'...

"I thought about this a lot, y'know? About why I'm so interested in beauty and fashion and all that… 'girly crap', as my bullies would have put it. I still want to wear cute earrings, I still want to put on sparkly nail polish, and not be bullied or be put into detention for it. Why, though? Why do I desire these so?" Mayu listened carefully, nodding along. She remembered my innocent middle school experiments on being pretty and their not-so-pretty consequences like yesterday, I was sure.

"I thought, could it be that I want to be a woman? But… I don't think that's it. I'm fine with my identity, and I am comfortable within my own body. Plus, there are many 'masculine' or more 'genderless' style women, too—makeup and fashion aren't what makes a woman. I think I just… happen to have interests that align more with what society would describe as being for 'girly girls'. But…"

Here I was, a man, into those. I chuckled.

"I guess society should check and upgrade their labels a little."

Mayuyu pointed at me, and exclaimed "I! Have been! Saying!" passionately. She told me how she hated how fashion was separated as men's and women's, and she had trouble accepting how some 'pieces of fabric' could ever be gender-specific. "I am sick and tired of society's thinking which is stuck where it was centuries ago! I want to break these stereotypes one by one, so people like you can live your truth. So what if you want to dress up? You'd absolutely kill it! Maybe that's what they're shaking in their boots, huh~"

She laughed as she stood up, and then gave my shoulders a pat. "Come here, pretty boy. I think it's about time I show you my gift for you—I feel that you're ready to take the first step towards the life of glamour and beauty and sparkles you oh-so-deserve!"

I stood up, following her with a fluttering heart. I was already so curious which character the mystery costume belonged to, but now I had even more reasons to welcome the gift with open arms.

The large costume was covered with a black case, and when my childhood friend unzipped the front, what met me was—