Proust Effect

A few days after the peer outing, I had another therapy appointment with Dr. Shizuko. It was in the evening, which was atypical for me, the waiting room window sunkissed by the setting light. I was finally called up.

We greeted each other and sat in our respective seats. Once he had his materials ready, he initiated the conversation.

"As routine, Chamaru-kun, before we start talking about the main topic, let me ask you a series of questions regarding your antidepressant pills."

"Right," I said.

"Do you feel that the pills have been doing a moderate job at increasing your neurotransmitters such as serotonin?"

My usual answer was no, but as I thought about my recent mood, I guess one could say my thoughts have been rather tame. Whether the pills were the reason for that was another question, and I don't think the answer would be yes.
"Sure," I said, simply to advance to the next question.

He tapped away on his tablet, pushing the nose bridge of his glasses.
"Do you feel any negative effects from the pills?... Have you been experiencing a rise in any depressive thoughts since our last session?... Do you wish to keep taking them?"

My answers to all of his questions were, "No."

"Is this how you really feel, Chamaru-kun?"

I took a brief pause, "I don't know if it's the pills' doin', but I have felt better recently."

"Like during the peer outing?"
He straightened his back and leaned back.
"Tell me, did you see with your other senses?"

"Actually, sir, I did. I used your advice a few times durin' the outin' to get closer to Ringomori-san. Wh-While we were eatin' lunch, I-I held her hand."

"Do you know why you took that action?"

"I-I think so."
I fixated on his suede shoes because I felt too flustered to look him in the eyes while opening my emotions.
"I wanted to see her warmth. To see how much she trusted me and felt comfortable around me. She was really warm and her hand was soft…I never felt comfort like that after the accident."

"Any other senses put to use?"

My eyes wandered higher towards his armrests. I could nearly see a reflection through the polished mahogany wrapped in leather.
"She told more about herself, and from what I heard it seems like our experiences were more alike. Sorry to say, Shizuko-sensei, but she knows the most about how I feel, I think we've passed the point of bein' awkward when meetin' each other."

"Maybe I'll get her to do this job for me," he jested. "Moving on, was there anything you tasted or smelled that day that stuck out to you?"

I found myself making eye contact with him. The left side of him was highlighted golden due to the window.
"I had a memory of my life before the accident."

His ears perked and eyes widened, then he leaned a bit forward in his chair. Knowing I had his attention persuaded me to tell him about it. I was hoping he would have an explanation.

I continued with, "It started with an orange chicken place at the mall," then I was interrupted by an unexpected third party. The office's door quickly peered open, and our heads turned like pigeons to see who was entering.

A small girl peeked from behind the door and said, "Daddy, when's Yasumi-chan showing up?"

Dr. Shizuko's intrigued expression was replaced with a chagrined one as he met eyes with the girl.
"Sweetie, you must ask for a pardon if you're going to enter my room. You also should know not to interrupt my sessions."
He turned towards me and apologized in her stead, then returned to her and said,
"About your question, she already showed up while you were with mom."

The little girl pursed her lips together and pouted audibly with a groan. Her visible irritation was short lived as she finally faced me.

"Ah, it's Matcha-kun!"
She waved at me with one hand.

I returned the gesture and softened the tone in my voice.
"Hey there, Delilah."

We exchanged smiles, and she revealed a missing canine in her upper row of teeth, though that didn't make her smile any less gleaming.

Delilah was the nine year-old daughter of Dr. Shizuko and his wife. She was a playful and bright little girl, both in intellect and personality, and seemed like the ideal little sister. We got to know each other due to her knack of entering the office while I was present. Her nickname for me represented our bond, but apparently she had gotten close to another patient called "Yasumi" too.

Instead of leaving the room, she entered and closed the door behind her. She decided to take a seat at Dr. Shizuko's desk and stayed quiet. With that, I continued the conversation and described my memory that was triggered when I tasted and smelled my food.

"That memory has never come to me before, and I never even knew that I loved the food or ever been to that place before. Since then, I've been gettin' memories of other times I ate there with both parents."

The therapist took his time to digest the contents of my story and come to a conclusion. If anything, I was more perplexed by it.

"You must've experienced an effect of involuntary memory. It's a phenomenon triggered by smell, taste, and even sound. It's called the Proust effect, named after Marcel Proust. He experimented with involuntary memory via sensory déjà vu."

My head titled like a dog who didn't understand what his owner was telling him. He pulled up a few websites on his tablet and handed it to me to browse.

He continued, "Plenty of childhood memories flooded Proust's mind with just a simple scent or taste of his favorite buttery French cake with lime-blossom tea."

"Daddy," called Delilah from the desk, her interest must have been piqued too, "will I experience this Pwoust effect when I get older?"

He turned his head and responded, "You might, sweetie. It mostly occurs when someone experiences something for the first time in a long while, like Chamaru-kun and the orange chicken."

"Well, I've had orange chicken since the accident, just not at that food place."

He hypothesized, "Then perhaps the strong memories come back after one of the senses triggers it from a specific source, since you internally have a deeper, more emotional connection to it."

It took me a while to understand. I felt like I had my hands on multiple steering wheels with my two lives connecting.

"Anyways Chamaru-kun, keep that stuff in mind along with the senses advice I gave you. Exploring your surroundings more may trigger more of your memories coming back."

An itching question I had in every session reemerged, and I decided to finally ask it.
"Hey Shizuko-sensei, is the purpose of our sessions to get me to remember my old life?"

Dr. Shizuko took a deep breath as he repositioned himself in his chair, his posture was more serious. I turned to Delilah and saw that she wasn't paying attention to the conversation, which meant only my ears would hear his words.

"You were diagnosed by me after a year of being an orphan. I believe if you remember what your life was like in the past, maybe those memories will combat your depression better than any antidepressant pill."

I offered a counterpoint.
"Can't it also make it worse? There's a chance my life before was better than it is now, and if I know that, then I'll realize that I'll never get a life like that ever again and hate those memories."

"Yes, I'm afraid that's possible…but something tells me that you would very much appreciate the life you had before, not resent it."
He displayed an encouraging smile. The confidence led me to asking why he was certain of that. All he said was,
"Positive emotions tied to memory will always be greater than negative emotions tied to the present."

That saying rang in my head until the session ended shortly after. I said farewell to the therapist and walked out of the room. Delilah followed me.

"I hope you can remember your whole life, Matcha-kun. There's probably some people you held near and dear to you that you've forgotten."

"You think so?"

She exaggeratedly nodded her head.
"Also, you seemed a bit bummed out about not knowing. As long as you don't remember, you won't move forward from it."

We reached the door of the house.

"Y'know, you're quite insightful for a nine year-old."
I opened the door and stepped out, turning to face her.

She held her hands behind her back and smiled once again.
"My parents are psychos who make a living off people having problems, so I've picked up a thing or two about people."

A chuckle slipped past my closed lips. I patted her on the head, messing up her hair a small bit.
"Thanks for that, see you later."

"Goodbye! Ah, also, if you see Yasumi-chan, tell her to play with me soon!"

I tilted my head, but decided that questioning any further would only deepen my confusion. I decided to play along and said, "Okay…?" in response.

There was a lot to decipher about that session as I made my way back to the orphanage. I found myself turning at the wrong street, again.
Why do I always feel this is a turn I need to make?

If it wasn't already late, I might have continued down the road to see what was there, but perhaps I could do so another time.

The rest of my summer break passed in the blink of an eye. My second peer outing of the month was simply for school shopping, and the session that followed was only trivial. The second term of my third-year in high school had begun shortly after in early September.

The autumn and winter seasons that accompanied the semester were always a double-edged sword for me. I loved the colder weather because of how often it rained and snowed in Hokkaido, but I also disliked how schools insanely packed the term for students.

I had hoped for another boring semester seeing as I was close to the finish line, but I would later find out that it would be where my life drastically changed.