I'm baffled. [Do-over]

The conversation weighs so heavily on my mind that I find myself scrambling to finish my work before the end of the lecture.

Have I been too unfair in my judgement of Hanji? I wasn’t wrong that she doesn’t care about other people, but that’s not exactly her fault. I had immediately written her off as incomprehensibly selfish, an unconditionally bad person, but based upon what evidence? All of her actions have been for self interest, certainly, but she’s gone out of her way to choose methods that don’t harm people when possible. Meanwhile, I’ve been silently judging her and refusing to see things from her perspective.

Is it me, and not her, that’s been in the wrong?

After a while I decide that that’s simply no cut and dry answer, and I should just apologise and get it over with. Mend the burning bridge before it’s unsalvageable.

For that reason, I decide to head straight to Hanji’s room from the end of the lecture. I’ll apologise for walking out suddenly, and for not considering her side of things. And I’ll also explain my own feelings and set rigid, well define boundaries. Thinking back to yesterday, she told me she doesn’t know what is and isn’t okay if I don’t tell her, so I’m sure she’ll appreciate it if I’m clear and concise about what I am and am not okay with.

Still, I find myself worrying about how angry she must be after what I pulled yesterday. Someone with her condition must find it difficult to form social connections in the first place, so it would be no surprise if she’s pissed off that I just left without any real explanation. Most of me believes that I’ll be able to smooth things over and we’ll just brush this event under the rug, but the doubt continues to nag me. What if she really is pissed?

Will she berate me? Shout over me? Will she just not listen to me at all? Did I hurt her badly enough to warrant breaking her non-violence rule? How much does she hate me? Enough to never forgive me? Enough to have me ostracised? Enough to kick me out of her collection and leave me to the mercy of Akihiko? Of course I would dese-

“Yo, Taro.” The thoughts occupy my head all the way to the top of the elevator, where I find Hanji waiting. How she even knew I was gonna be here soon is beyond me, but it’s probably best not to question it.

“Ah- Hi…”

“We got shit to talk about. Follow me.” She turns and begins walking down the hall, not even waiting to see if I was following. I manage to keep up with her, but find myself surprised when she eventually stops. It’s not room 2-48. “Since you were in my room yesterday, ‘s only fair if I see yours today, right?”

“I… suppose so.” A weird thing to be insistent considering the circumstances, but I don’t have any real objections. I do find myself worried that the mess will be off putting to someone as meticulously organised as Hanji, though.

I swipe my keycard to let myself in and step through the door, immediately met with the sight of my floor covered in clothes, books and other miscellaneous things I hadn’t bothered to put away. Before I even have a chance to say anything, Hanji pushes past me and casually plops down on my bed, signalling that I should sit next to her. I make sure to sit with some significant distance between us. Being too close after last night would feel… weird, to say the least.

“Um… sorry about all the mess.”

“Why you apologisin’’ to me? I don’t gotta live in it.”

“R-right.” Man, even when she’s acting completely casual she carries an oppressive atmosphere, like she’s in complete control of the situation. How much of that is my own preconceived notions, I don’t know, but for some reason I can’t help but feel like I’m at her mercy.

Obviously she’s expecting me to make my apology, but I’m unsure where to start. Do I apologise for walking out? Being judgemental? Hypocrisy? Do I apologise for not apologising soon enough? Do I do all of that? In what order-

“I think I oughta apologise for yesterday.” My anxiety is replaced by confusion as Hanji speaks before me.

“I… wha-”

“I was too tunnel visioned, I just saw a problem and tried to solve it by brute force. I didn’t stop to consider boundaries or consent until you stopped me. I acted inappropriately, and I’m sorry.”

I’m… utterly bewildered. Not only because she’s apologising to me instead of the other way around, but also because it sounds… rehearsed? Like a corporate statement after a controversy. Something about the way she’s speaking sounds less like an individual trying to right their wrongs, and more like a PR team running damage control. It’s disconcerting, and I’m entirely unsure how to react.

“A-aren’t I supposed to be apologising to you?”

“Hm? What for?”

“For… reacting so poorly when you talked to me. And for walking out on you with no explanation. You’re not mad about all that?”

“Wh- nah, man, you got it all wrong. I was being too forceful, 100% my bad. And obviously it’s annoying that people tend to react poorly when I tell ‘em how I see the world, but I’m used to that at this point. Ain’t your fault.”

I had half expected to find myself cowering in fear as she berates me for everything I’ve done, but instead I’m just completely confused. I suppose this is better? But at the same time I feel like I understand Hanji even less than I did before. If hooking up was her way of trying to connect, shouldn’t she be livid that I just walked out and left her? Instead she seems to not care at all, and is just following some single-minded plan to get me back on side. It simply makes no sense to me.

“So, hey, how about we just put all this behind us and be friends from here on out. Just pick back up where we were before I stuck my tongue down your throat, that cool?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah, sure. That’s alright with me.”

“Sick, glad we patched shit up. I’m having Saki and Koto over for drinks tonight, wanna come?”

“S-sorry, I would, but I was advised not to drink alcohol cos it can intensify PTSD. I appreciate the offer, though.”

“Ah, that’s all cool. In that case I guess I’ll see ya tomorrow, then. Laters.”

She hops up from the bed, flashes a quick peace sign and trundles on out the door, casual as could be. I, meanwhile, am left completely dumbfounded.

Every time I think I’m beginning to understand Hanji’s mind a little, she throws me a curveball so hard that I miss my swing completely.

A disingenuous apology is something I’d have expected. It’s not like people with ASPD are generally known for being sincere or caring. But the motivation behind it eludes me completely. From her perspective, it would have better to let me apologise and establish myself as the wrongdoer, giving her something to hold over me. By taking the blame onto herself, she loses that advantage.

Is it a ploy to gain my trust? To make her seem reasonable and fair so I’m unlikely to doubt her in future? Or is she actually trying to establish an equal friendship? Even if the apology was ingenuine, was it part of a real attempt to connect on a personal level?

I can’t tell where the manipulation ends and the truth begins. I want to be friends with Hanji, but can you ever have a real friendship with someone who can’t care about you as anything more than an object?

More than ever before, I’m completely baffled as to what my relationship with Hanji is.

Where do we go from here?