He’s just as fucked up as me. [0.5 chapter]

“I think I oughta apologise for yesterday.”

I suppose I should feel bad for my dishonesty. Nothing I’m saying actually ‘comes from the heart’ or anything, it’s just what I know tends to work with people. Then again, if I said everything that was actually in my heart people would simply be insulted, so I guess it’s probably better to tell sweet lies than harsh truths.

“I… wha-”

“I was too tunnel visioned, I just saw a problem and tried to solve it by brute force. I didn’t stop to consider boundaries or consent until you stopped me. I acted inappropriately, and I’m sorry.”

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what about my actions was supposedly inappropriate, but Saki gave me an earful so I guess I must have done something wrong. I don’t really see anything wrong with a pragmatic approach to things. Seeing a problem and fixing it the most efficient way available seems like common sense to me, but I guess this is one of those things people get weirdly hung up on. Sex is just sex, nothing more, nothing less, so I have no idea what the actual problem is here. But being stingy about apologies won’t bring people to my side, so I may as well apologise when I’m expected to.

“A-aren’t I supposed to be apologising to you?”

“Hm? What for?”

“For… reacting so poorly when you talked to me. And for walking out on you with no explanation. You’re not mad about all that?”

“Wh- nah, man, you got it all wrong. I was being too forceful, 100% my bad. And obviously it’s annoying that people tend to react poorly when I tell ‘em how I see the world, but I’m used to that at this point. Ain’t your fault.”

Well, that’s also a lie, but it’s not worth blaming Taro over. Obviously not being able to connect with people is frustrating, but I gain nothing by getting mad at him over my own methods being ineffective.

There’s just something wrong with me, and I can’t figure out how to fix it. I’ve fought, drank and fucked my way through half my social circle but I still don’t really feel anything towards them. I mean, they provide me entertainment and pleasure, but my only attachment is to those feelings, not to them.

I guess I can just keep going like this until I find the golden bullet, but that might just never happen. Odds are I’ll always feel this way. I got broken a long time ago, after all. Probably far too late to fix me now.

Anyway, Taro’s a nice guy. Sounds like he’s been blaming himself for this whole debacle. I should have no trouble keeping him close in the future. He certainly interests me, in no small part because of that broken little brain of his. Schizophrenia and PTSD together, huh? A combination I haven’t seen yet, feels like I’ve found a rare one. That, and the fact that he seems pretty fun to be around too. His nervousness and anxiety is kinda cute, like when a little kid meets you for the first time and hides behind their parents legs.

Hell, maybe he’ll be the golden bullet. Someone just as fucked up as me might be the perfect remedy for whatever’s wrong with me. I’ll have to keep him around, maybe bring him into my inside circle for real.

Maybe I should feel bad for taking advantage of such a nice and nervous guy, but I’ll at least try to make it right by giving him some fun times in return. I always repay my debts.

“So, hey, how about we just put all this behind us and be friends from here on out. Just pick back up where we were before I stuck my tongue down your throat, that cool?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah, sure. That’s alright with me.”

“Sick, glad we patched shit up. I’m having Saki and Koto over for drinks tonight, wanna come?”

“S-sorry, I would, but I was advised not to drink alcohol cos it can intensify PTSD. I appreciate the offer, though.”

“Ah, that’s all cool. In that case I guess I’ll see ya tomorrow, then. Laters.”

Yeah, this is gonna work out fine. I can keep him around without hurting him. After all, keeping people happy is my specialty.

Seemed like I was gonna lose him for a while there, but it looks like I’ve secured my new toy.