8.1 - The Tunnel (hopeless and endless?)

Listen. How I wish my words saying that I was alright kept on being relevant the following days.

But no. No. If anything, I was worse.

It's not like I had lied to my friend. Not at all. At that time, I didn't care about anything in the world other than me, my friends and my cute fictional idols. But as time passed, I had to face some harsh truths.

1- I was still single as hell.

2- I couldn't forget about that stranger.

3- Life made sure that I wouldn't be able to forget about these two points!

Yes, I was still stuck on that stranger. I was still browsing all the related tags and accounts to see if I could find their information. It was useless. Honestly, I probably wouldn't even be able to find Mayu or Umi-san's accounts if I didn't know their names, right? So what made me think this was a good idea?

I couldn't help it. After some point, I started to question if it were truly the stranger themselves that I was obsessed with, or was it just the fact they'd told me something I'd been yearning to hear forever. Was that it?

No one ever told me romantic lines. Obviously they wouldn't. I had friends, family, coworkers and neighbors. There was no reason they'd tell me romantic and honey-sweet lines.

Which brought me back to the first point: I was single as hell. Not to mention, these last developments had made me lose all motivation in trying to find my person. It was that stranger which had set my heart on fire. I didn't really feel anything looking at other people's pictures anymore. Dating apps got rendered useless. I was interested in that person.

But I didn't even know who they were, and how they even looked outside of cosplay! So was I really interested in them? It just meant that I wanted someone to tell me nice, romantic things. No? But it wouldn't work with just anyone…

And thus, the cycle repeated, just like that. I was stuck in this endless loop of thoughts. Thoughts of which none were positive or happy. It was just an endless, round mental path of torment. I had no escape, or a quit button to eject myself from this hellish road.

It was as if I was walking in a tunnel of complete darkness. I did have some sort of light source in my hands, but it was a mere box of matches—and I was running out of them. Fast.

Soon enough, I'd be left in complete darkness, nowhere to go.

How much I wished to know if I had a way out of this situation… Man, I had even started to read astrology readings and I never had any special interest in star signs before! All I knew was some basic information so I could compare the compatibility of my favorite fictional couples.

Not anymore, though. I couldn't even stand that anymore.

Perhaps the most tragic part of this whole ordeal was the fact that I had lost my love for all things shoujo. Yep. Now, I couldn't stand what was so enjoyable to me in the past. Why? Because reading such stuff just rubbed salt to my wounds. It was as if something had switched inside me. My joy and happiness witnessing couples go on their journey of love together just simply pissed me off now. I couldn't believe myself, and I couldn't believe others. How were single people okay with reading such content? Didn't it remind them how their life had nothing to do with romance? Were they satisfied with just reading? How the hell was I satisfied with it before?!

Yeah, so on top of acting like a grand finalist in the world championships of being a fool, I had lost my hobby. Umi-san had admired my earnest passion, and the house of cards was blown away with the slightest of the winds. How honest, how genuine my passion had turned out to be, hmm?

I hated receiving notifications about new chapter releases, I didn't want to write any more romantic and sweet scenarios. So how did I spend my time, you ask? Simple. I just pictured that person and me together. I surrounded myself with the warm, comforting illusions—just like a jasmine scented comfort blanket.

I dreamed of us. I dreamed of dances, adventures and sweet dates together.

I felt absolutely pathetic. Not to mention, like a total creep. I never understood people who developed actual feelings for idols, and here I was… dreaming of a total stranger. One in cosplay of a character I had zero interest in. Incredible. Go, Yuuma. All that talk of finding your real self and living your life, and all you did was to lie down in bed and drown in your delusions.

You might be curious if my friends knew of this pathetic new lifestyle of mine. No. After some time, I had mastered putting on a cheerful, normal-looking front. I still was the Yuuma they knew in our conversations together. To avoid any suspicion, I even read people's reactions to the newest released chapters of my past-favorite series online and gathered some comments to present them as if they were my own. Hah, I didn't even touch the chapters.

Mayu was busy with her projects, and Riku was extra unsuspecting due to our last hangout. My mother, too. She had visited me a couple of times, and I played the role of the 'Yuuma of two months ago' perfectly.

I love my life, I love my friends, I love my job. Everything is amazing, Mom! Your son is doing great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That son of hers, who totally didn't flinch on his seat seeing content of that one Prince character when absentmindedly scrolling social media.

Damn you, Prince Sancho. That bastard was getting quite popular in fandom spaces, plus, his anime was just confirmed for a second season. How much I wished he was just any random shonen series character and not someone that reminded me of that goddamned encounter…

So, yeah. This was my current state of affairs. At this point, I was running out of reasons not to hate my own self. I was losing my grasp on all of the things that made me 'me', and I just replaced it all with emptiness. My sweet dreaming would feel so nice and right at the moment, but when I came back to reality, I'd find myself placed deeper inside the empty pit.

I totally understood why people called it "depression".

'A sunken place or hollow on a surface.'

Yeah, that was my current location, alright.